Taeyong and I were quick to become close friends when I first moved to Seoul. He introduced me to a bunch of his friends to make sure I never felt lonely. He helped me find a job. He showed me the most amazing places to visit. He helped me in many ways. He was always there for me whenever I needed him. We spent a lot of time hanging out with each other. We gradually became closer and closer.

Taeyong and I naturally started dating after a while. He had always been a good guy and treated me well, so I decided to give it a shot. Our endless conversations continued. We would laugh at inside jokes that no one else understood and we would share secrets that no one else knew about.

We would have these cute little late night calls whenever he wasn’t able to fall asleep. He would call me randomly at 3 AM and I would try to find my phone in the dark. Opening one of my eyes to look at the time, I’d groan when I found out that it was right in the middle of the night. I’d pick up the phone and he would greet me softly. He would always apologize for waking me up and I would playfully complain, but I didn’t mind at all. I loved hearing his voice. I loved waking up to it and falling asleep to it.

We liked to spend our time watching movies together. I always wanted to watch cheesy romantic movies and he would always complain, but in the end he would surrender to me. He would roll his eyes at me whenever I cried at another sad scene, but he secretly found it adorable. He would throw his arm around my shoulder and give me a comforting hug. I would turn my face towards him and pout, because I knew that he was secretly teasing me for being a crybaby. He would chuckle and wipe away my tears with his sleeve. He would kiss me gently on my forehead afterwards.

We loved to play video games together. We would always get a little bit too competitive and end up yelling at each other, but it was all in good fun. He would try to make me lose by distracting me. He would try to tickle me or whisper something into my ear, which he knew made my knees weak. I would call him a cheater and he would laugh, because his dirty little tricks always worked on me. He would always try to make it up to me by letting me win the last round, but I was never having any of that. I had to beat him fair and square.

Taeyong was an amazing guy to be around. I was able to have fun around him. He made me laugh like no other person could. His hugs and kisses were the most comforting ones I had ever known. He was always kind enough to lend an ear whenever I felt the need to vent my thoughts and frustrations.

All in all, he treated me well, but no relationship is perfect.

He had trouble showing his emotions. At first I didn’t mind, because I thought most guys were like this, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. At the beginning I never really noticed, because we would have so much fun, so there was always something to talk about and to distract me.

Months went by and his inability to express his emotions slowly became a problem in our relationship. I started to become insecure about his feelings towards me. Our conversations weren’t as fun as they used to be. He was putting in less effort to talk to me and see me. He started showing signs that he wasn’t sure about himself either. He told me that he didn’t really know what he wanted for himself. It felt like my heart was slowly getting ripped out of my ribcage. I kept on wondering whether it was something I had done which had caused him to doubt our relationship. Did I say something wrong? Did he find someone else? Was I not enough? All these doubts started filling my mind.

He admitted to texting other girls. I asked him how serious it was, and he said he was just playing around. I wasn’t quite sure about how to interpret that. He told me I was still the one he loved, so I let it slide. I wasn’t the kind of person who was insecure and got jealous quickly, but I was still concerned.

He admitted to meeting up with them. He said they were just friends. I couldn’t stop him from meeting up with his friends, could I? I didn’t want to seem possessive, so I let it go again, but I still had this nagging thought in the back of my mind. I was growing more and more restless. Something didn’t feel right at all.

The amount of time he was spending with his ‘friends’ started increasing, while his time together with me started decreasing. I started to worry about our relationship a lot. I decided to confront him about it and he told me he still had feelings for me, but that he had always had trouble committing. I was still naive back then, so I believed that maybe I could be that one special girl who could change his mind and that we could stick together until the end. Looking back I can’t believe how wrong I was. I didn’t realize that it was impossible to change his view on love.

He was struggling with college and his emotions in general. He was feeling down and didn’t know how to deal with it. I tried to support and comfort him the best I could, but I had always been bad at cheering people up. It was one of my biggest flaws. He said, ‘That’s alright, that’s why I’ve got my other friends to talk to.’ I was hurt. I was hurt, because I wasn’t the one person he could turn to for all of his troubles anymore. I was hurt, because he had disregarded my effort. He was drifting away from me. All these other girls took up all of his time and attention, so he didn’t have any left for me anymore.

He told me he had found someone else he was interested in. I saw this coming, but it still felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds. I guess he had found the support that he needed and that I wasn’t able to give him, in another girl.

We decided to ‘take a break’. He kept on talking to this girl and it seemed like things were getting serious. He was being taken away right from my fingertips and there was nothing I could do about it. I kept on fooling myself and telling myself that there might be a chance he might come back to me.

After a while he told me that things weren’t working out with her anymore, but he didn’t want to get back together with me. He kept on meeting other girls, while keeping in touch with me. I tried my hardest to pretend like nothing was wrong. We kept on talking as if we were close friends. He even had the guts to ask my opinion about these girls. Of course, I tried to bring them down in a subtle manner, because I still wanted him to be mine.

We still had lots of conversations. I was desperate, so I tried to seduce him with my body. We went from ‘friends’ to friends with benefits. I did whatever he wanted and asked from me, just so I could make him happy and satisfied. I thought this was the only way to grab his attention and perhaps make him love me again. I should’ve never let things go this far, but I realized this only when it was already too late.

He didn’t love me again. He kept on meeting up with other girls. He told me that it would be better for us to just remain friends. That was the moment I decided to give up on him. I tried to cut all contact, but it was incredibly hard to stay away from him. I failed, but we didn’t talk as much anymore. Whenever we did talk, we would just argue and fight, because he would brag about the girls he was seeing. Our ‘friendship’ slowly became more and more toxic. The only thing we did was fight and argue. I couldn’t stand being around him anymore. All of my pent up anger kept building itself up, which wasn’t healthy for me. I knew I had to let him go for good. I stopped talking to him. The only time we would talk was whenever he initiated contact, but our conversations kept on getting shorter and shorter. Slowly our conversations stopped altogether.

I let him play with my heart over and over again, despite the fact that I knew he was treating me bad. He kept playing around with other girls and I kept convincing myself that I could change him and that he would always pick me in the end. I kept on giving him all of my love and effort, but he kept on breaking my heart over and over again and I simply kept on coming back to him. Despite the way he was treating me, I wasn’t able to let go of him because of all the things he had done for me in the past. My inability to let go of him was the cause of all my heartache. I knew this, but I was too stubborn. I was blinded by love. I was always blaming myself and thought it was all my fault, when in reality, none of it was. I walked away from this relationship with huge scars and I’m not sure when I will recover. I still think of him each and every day, even though I don’t love him anymore. Right now, I’m not able to shed any more tears for him. I already cried too much, there are no tears left. Now I just feel numb.