The day was too bright. Seagulls danced joyfully under the setting sky, calling to one another in careless bliss. Strong waves kissed my feet, where soft sand melted into skin. Yet the ugliness I harbored destroyed the perfect picture. It was an ugliness so strong: nurtured, preserved, and passed down from generation to generation. And finally, to me.

I had been brave today. The selfish human nature I held onto so closely was something I had finally learned to let go, and it was exhilarating to do so. Yes, it was the right thing to do. The consequences will be a lot more forgiving now that I'd confessed to him today, instead of some years down the road.

But a confession couldn't change the past; a person cannot un-kill someone who's already passed away, just as I could not be unborn from the life I'd been conceived to. 

But I could change the future.

The sea beckoned to me, calling me in. My body was numb as I got up, following the path the waves had set up for me. Obedient feet took me farther and farther from the shore as the angry blue water swallowed me whole. Yes, I could pave my own future.

It'll be a future where I will no longer hurt Jaehyun with my existence.

*                                     *                                     *

Kim ahjumma was mommy. We always wake up at 8:00 a.m. (riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight before the rooster goes 'errr, er, errrrrr'!!). She was really nice and fed me kimchi stir fry on Saturdays. She said it wasn't healthy to eat everyday, but I didn't know what healthy meant.

Ahjumma wasn't married, so I didn't have someone like a dad. But it was okay. Because Kim ahjumma was always kind and happy and took care of me and all my other brothers and sisters well. But it scared me when she'd sometimes get this look on her face. It said, 'don't talk to me today', so I usually didn't. But on that day, she told me out loud to talk to her. She even closed the door of the room.

"Jaejin-ya, I need to tell you something," Kim ahjumma said, holding that scary look on her face. So I nodded. I didn't want ahjumma to be mad at me. She sighed.

"This is...very personal, and I don't want you to go around telling everyone alright?". I nodded again.

"Listen carfully. Your name isn't Jaejin Mun. Your real name is Jingfei Meng, and your parents are Daoming Meng and Kong Meng,". I laughed. Aujumma has a funny sense of humor.

"Those people aren't real Ahjumma! You said they are only in stories," I said, shaking my finger. But ahjumma did not laugh with me. She held my hand and stared hard into my eyes.

"They aren't characters Jaejin-ya. They really are your parents," she repeated. That doesn't make sense!! Mom and Dad are just busy, that's what ahjumma always said before. Daoming and Kong are evil. They hurt people and make them cry. In the stories they are called 'demons', and 'demons' aren't real...my ohmma and appa aren't like that. 

"Those aren't just stories I told you Jaejin-ya. They're true. Your mother and father really did burn down villages. All those people from the Jung family aren't fictional. There used to be really thick tensions between the two families, and things before weren't like how they are now. Your real father had led thousands of mass murders on innocent people simply for guilt by association. That means these people didn't do anything wrong, but because of their last names, they were killed," Kim ahjumma said, tears rolling down her face. I'd never seen ahjumma cry before. So I hugged her hard and didn't let go. She cried and cried for a long time. I felt brave, a little proud too. The smaller girl was comforting the bigger one.

But it wouldn't be till years later did I realize the weight that her words held. When I was no longer that naive, lighthearted little girl, I realized what my past labeled me as. My repugnant identity was shoved into the back of my heart, where I made sure it was revealed to no one. And I had forgotten about it.

*                                              *                                              *

In the summer of 1987, a hole deep inside my heart worked its way out. It dug farther and farther, eager to free that dark secret of mine I tried so hard to conceal.

His name was Jaehyun.

We met at a time when neither of us knew what love meant. It was treated like any other word: tossed around in everyday conversation when it was deemed necessary and appropriate. But we'd only tampered and toyed with it, never experiencing it firsthand. So neither of us expected anything enlightening on our first date. It may not have been anything enlightening for Jaehyun, but the impression he left on me evoked a strong curiosity to taste more of his flavors. 

Like the fruit we shared, he was a mangosteen. The delicacy was just imported from Indonesia, and Jaehyun happened to get his hands on some before everyone else did. How, I didn't know. There was a charismatic air about him, and even a mysterious side that caught the attention of many women that passed by us.

But I didn't care about superficial facets; I've dated my share of handsome men in the past. The mangosteen has a captivating plum peel, but that's not what people eat them for. The exquisite surprise that the fruit hid made it one of the most delectable treats in all of Korea. It's taste distinguished it from the rest of the fruits.

Jaehyun's engrossing persona was more enjoyable than the mangosteen itself. Unexpectedly, he was a very talkative person. Not the kind of blabbering idiot most men made themselves out to be; but rather, a passionate, caring individual who built others up. He spoke of the growing poverty levels in Asia, and how he wanted to fulfill his role in aiding the underpriviledged. He spoke of his strange fascination with yeti lobsters, and how they could only grow to be 15 centimeters long. But most vehemently, he spoke of his family: how they were slaughtered in cold blood by Daoming Meng, a killer from the Meng clan who held a grudge and acted based on guilt by association.

I knew I had to get away. Break off whatever feelings that were just beginning to bloom, but my heart often acted recklessly on its own. Jaehyun's sweet nature only pulled me further into my infatuation, completely against all logic and the moral obligations I had bound myself to. He'd shown me the attention and affection I had always craved, the kinds that I'd never received when my parents abandoned me and sent me to Kim ahjumma's orphanage. To me, this is love.

*                                     *                                           *

On May 23, 1993, Jaehyun and I were supposed to be wed. Jaehyun looked too handsome for mortal eyes; some needed to shield themselves from his beauty when he was clad in a pressed, jet-black tuxedo. All the preparations were set, with the guests talking among themselves in anticipation. But my heart wasn't there. It couldn't be, not with the fist sized hole eating it from the inside out.

I went to go see Jaehyun.

"Jaehyun-"

He turned around, flushing a scarlet red when he saw me standing at the doorframe. I had forgotten I was wearing my wedding dress. Wasn't every girl supposed to feel beautiful on her wedding day? But the whiteness of the dress made me feel as though the ugliness of my family name would easily stain through. Shame wrapped around me, not the dress.

"Ah, Jaejin, isn't it bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the ceremony?" he joked, fumbling with his bowtie.

"I don't think...I don't think we can get married,"

He looked up suddenly. Anger, hurt, and confusion all flashed across his eyes, making my next few words all the more painful.

"I'm not who you think I am, Jaehyun. And I know it's really late, but you need to know this. My real name is Jingfei Meng, and my father was the one who killed your loved ones. I'm not the one you love, they were. And I took them away from you. I was a coward for not telling you before, and you have every right to despise me for hiding this from you," I said quickly, but emphasizing every word so he could clearly hear me.

"Jaejin-"

His words blurred together as I ran out in haste, unwilling to see how much pain I inevitably inflicted upon this person that's been nothing but caring, warm-hearted, and genuine to me.

*                                    *                                     *

My body went limp as it finally stopped fighting for air and simply let the sea claim it as its own. The world became silent as I slowly let myself sink into the depths of the blue, light fading from my vision as it grew farther away. Yes, this is peace, this is bliss. 

*                                 *                                *

The wind sang in my ears, playing a simple melody that transcended any music I'd ever heard in the mortal world. Was this heaven? Jaehyun was here too, relief fresh in eyes that watched me with the same care that they always had. Was Jaehyun in heaven with me?

"Your awake," he said quietly, pulling me up into a tight embrace.

"W-what are you doing here? How did you find me?" I asked, reality smacking me in the face.

"Jaejin, I need to tell you something," Jaehyun said, his soft voice growing ominous. My fears returned like a cold mist; all at once with nothing to prepare me for it.

"I-I know, you hate me. And that's okay; that's how it's supposed to be. It'd be strange if you didn't. I'll go," I said, getting up in my torn wedding dress. For the first time in a long time, my heart was whole again. The deep pit had been refilled, and all the smaller scars along the way will slowly repair themselves. I'd walked a couple paces before the sound of his voice gently nudged my ears in a caress.

"My father," he began. 

I stopped, too surprised to move forward, yet too scared to look back.

"My father used to own a Juniperus Silicola," Jaehyun paused, taking a deep breath, "That was when we first moved into our house in Tongyeong,"

He gently grabbed both of my shoulders, whisking me around to face those dark eyes that I knew so well. Except this time they weren't so clear, weren't so predictable in what they held. For the first time, Jaehyun's eyes betrayed nothing in his heart.

"It was a beautiful tree that immediately caught my father's eyes; but not for its beauty. From the tall height down to what he perceived to be flat out ugliness, the tree was at the center of attention when people would pass our house. And my father couldn't stand it," Jaehyun said, still holding my gaze, willing me not to look away.

"And so my father made it his mission to cut down the Juniper. Day after day he'd try different methods to cut down the tree, but it wouldn't be hacked, it wouldn't be dehydrated, and it wouldn't give in. And everytime father saw the tree, he would hate it just a little less, feeling a sense of admiration for the Juniper's strong will to survive. Eventually he stopped altogether, asking himself why he ever deemed the tree ugly when he first saw it. He'd come to admire the pines that were green all year round, and sometimes he'd even decorate our home with the Juniper's pine cones,"

Jaehyun smiled, clasping my hands in his own. "You are like that Juniper tree Jaejin. When I people had first told me that you are a Meng, I couldn't even stand the sight of you. I was disgusted just thinking about how you're the daughter of the vicious, barbaric people that killed my parents who had done nothing wrong. But slowly, you were making your way into my heart. Only then did I realize that I was making the same mistake that our families had always been making: guilt by association. You yourself had done nothing to harm or offend my family, and it wasn't fair for me to judge you for a history completely out of your control,"

 No, this wasn't right. Jaehyun should be despising me right now. He should be turned away in hatred, not wanting to have anything to do with me. How could love blind him so strongly?

"Just like how my father gave that Juniper tree a chance, I was willing to give you one as well. A chance for you to prove to me that you are nothing like your past, and that you are your own person. It was the best decision I've ever made, Jaejin," he said, waiting for me to return his ever bright smile. I shook off his hands, casting my eyes down in shame.

"You can't be this forgiving," I whispered.

"Why Jaejin? Do you think I had just completely ignored who you are?" 

"You don't understand! My own birth was a result of an atrocious celebration on the night of your parents's assasination. I embody death by my very existence," I cried, releasing what had tormented my mind for ages. Relief couldn't even begin to describe how it felt.

"Jaejin, you don't need to be afraid. You yourself are not death; the state of your birth doesn't define your character. It doesn't define who you are to me. I could eat a thousand mangosteens, but that doesn't make me a mangosteen, does it? So please," he held out his hand. I watched him silently, waiting at any moment for a sudden shift in the kindess that shone in his eyes, but it never came. Hesitantly, I placed my hand in his.

"Thank you," I whispered as he held me close. His breath softly caressed the back of my neck as we stood there in each other's arms. Harsh waves, crying seagulls, and the fading sunset had dematerialized around us; we were no longer in this world. 

Years down the road, the Juniper tree was still a Juniper tree. I was still bound to my parents's legacy, and I was still a killer's daughter. But Jaehyun had never brought it up again, so neither did I. We instead relished in everything else we had, in the future that the mangosteen and the juniper tree planted, together.