Forever. That is what he had said, that was the word that he breathed out against Kyungsoo’s lips after their first kiss. He never saw himself falling for a boy, kissing a boy but that didn’t change the reality of Jongin’s situation. He could help the butterflies that abused the inside of his stomach when his best friend made his way into his line of sight. He couldn’t help the dryness that formed into his mouth or the lump that became caught in his throat.

Emotions are such a strange thing. They are so intangible, you can’t see them, you can’t touch them, taste them, smell them or hear them and yet, they have such a large impact on all of our senses. For something so internal, so personal that what is felt once will never be replicated perfectly, emotions have one of the largest influences on the decisions we make; even decisions that affect those who have never felt our own emotions.

Jongin is his own worst enemy and his hearts is his head. Each emotion is a reaction to the actions around us and we are have decided when it is appropriate, when it is correct, to feel an emotion. If someone insults us it is correct to feel: indifferent, annoyance maybe anger depending on the situation. When someone compliments us it is correct to feel: thankful, humbled, flattered and any other of the spectrum of happy emotions. Yet when someone of the same compliments us it is incorrect to feel: flustered, embarrassed or anything else relating to a ual or emotional attraction. At least, that is what Jongin was taught.

A boy’s first hero is his father or the closest male influence in his life. They are taught to look up to them, emulate them, their behaviour, their ideals. Jongin’s father is a good man, hardworking, disciplined, a model citizen and an outstanding father. When Jongin’s mother passed away his father took the responsibilities of single parenthood in his stride. He made sure to teach his son to be respectful, gentle yet firm, considerate of others and himself. His father made sure to tell his son how proud his was of his achievements and how disappointed his was of his mistakes. Jongin’s father often told Jongin how when he was hard on him it was because he was teaching him how to be a good student, employee, man and eventually husband. Yes, Jongin’s father made it clear from an early age that he was going to teach his son how to look after and provide for his wife and children.

Wife. That word leaves a sickly taste in Jongin’s mouth just at the thought of it. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants his best friend, his lover, his first everything, his Kyungsoo. But that isn’t a realistic option.

Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo. Every ing thought is polluted by that boy. His soft, gentle lips that feel like rose petals against Jongin’s lips and taste just like cinnamon. His small hands resting delicately against Jongin’s abdomen still leave prints and pressure when Jongin is alone. His voice that sounds like ing honey. The indescribable warmth and sweetness that invaded Jongin’s senses when he nuzzled against his milky skin. No matter how perfect that boy seems, no matter how much Jongin thinks he loves him he can’t. He’s the problem or the fact that he is one rather. Why couldn’t he be her, everything would be so much easier if he was.

Jongin’s body is still marked by Kyungsoo; the bruises on his neck and shoulder, the scratches down his back. They are not alone, however, his body is also littered with bruises and cuts of a different nature, these were not fueled by passion but by rage. To say Jongin’s father was livid when Jongin came out to him, confessed everything to him, would be an understatement.

Jongin had a lot of fears and had gone to great lengths to hide who he really was. Sneaking around, keeping his real relationship with Kyungsoo secret and even agreeing to date the girl his friends had insisted he would look amazing with. They weren’t wrong Krystal is undeniably beautiful and next to each other they caught every one’s attention. “The visual couple” is what people called them, a ing sham is a truth.

After the night Jongin and Kyungsoo had given themselves to each other fully and made love for the first time Jongin had decided it was time to come clean and be honest about his relationship and finally be able to let the world know how he felt about Kyungsoo but after his conversation with his father’s first he was reminded that two boys being together is unnatural and wrong.

Jongin avoided Kyungsoo for a week but now here he is; in a too crowded house, with too loud music and not enough alcohol to drown the guilt that is crushing every fibre of Jongin’s being as he notices Kyungsoo rush into the hallway. Jongin’s mind is telling him to stay, to keep his arm wrapped tightly around Krystal’s waist, not drink too much and just pretend to be having a good time at the very least. But Jongin’s heart, his heart is screaming at him to follow Kyungsoo even though he knows at this point he probably wants nothing to with him anymore.

The thing about emotions is that they hold so much influence and before he can fully register what he’s doing Jongin has leant close to Krystal’s ear and is whispering “I need to go to the bathroom.” She merely hums in response but that’s all it takes for Jongin  to disconnect his arm and walk into the hallway, following Kyungsoo.

Amongst the closed doors and moans coming from various directs the light from the slightly open bathroom door and the soft sobs muffled behind it stand out to Jongin like a screeching banshee in a spotlight. Jongin’s steps are uncertain and hesitant but he takes them anyway, right foot, left foot, one after another and with each step he gets closer until his fingertips and ghosting over the door.

It feels like it takes all of Jongin’s strength just to push the door open and when he does he wish he hadn’t at all. By his feet, curled up in a ball sobbing hysterically was his best friend, his lover, his Kyungsoo. Unsure of what else to do Jongin clears his throat. Kyungsoo sluggishly raises his head to face the sound and when Jongin sees the doe eyes glistening with the tears that threaten to fall, joining the others that stain his lover’s cheeks and the broken expression behind them is enough to relinquish all control to Jongin’s heart and suddenly he is full of various emotions; pain, regret, sorrow, guilt but ultimately, and always, love.

So you've heard Jongin's side of the story. I tried to change the narrative voice and tone enough to fit the two different characters personalties and head space in the story! Do you want Kyungsoo and Jongin to reconnect and live happily ever after or is Jongin still a piece of who isn't good enough for Kyungsoo let me know! As it is right now the majority want Kyungsoo to move on and do better so we shall see if it stays that way (probably I haven't written in a while and I don't think this part is that good. 

A:N/ 

I'm SO SORRY this took so long to upload! I got a puppy not too long ago and obviously she is literally a baby and requires constant attention, as well as this she isn't allowed upstairs which is where my PC is and I do all my writing on that! She is super cute and also getting to the point where she doesn't cry the house down when I leave the room so I managed to squeeze this out and should have a lot more parts of everything out soon! Also thank you for all the new subscribers, comments and votes I really appreciate it! <3 

Poppy the Puppy <3