“So,” I began, “Is it about your feelings?”

She leaned on the bridge's rail and gazed out to the river.

“No, Jae. I had a great time with you.” 

I brushed my hair back in habit while trying not to let my emotions shatter in one big jumble but my goddamned mind decided to wander off on its own, letting all of our midnight conversations, our calls, our late breakfasts, our future plans and our little basement apartement we used to live in together wash over me just like that. I suddenly felt sorry and wished we could be living in a little better circumstance, a little better place for her to watch me busking around the busy streets of Seoul with my fellow bandmates.

But we did have beautiful times. We were happy.

"I've always wanted to introduce my boyfriend to my parents, you know."

"Well. I thought you did? We had calls. We had dinners tog—"

"But that boyfriend is not you." she continued. “I've always wanted to introduce my boyfriend to my parents, but it’s not you.”

I could hear the beating of my heart from deep inside my body, and yet I remained silent, eyes locked on her unfamiliar soft pink cherry lips as they trembled in a seemingly unnoticeable motion. The color was so bright it seemed nothing like her—nothing like the gloomy red lipstick that used to leave stains on my shirt whenever I gave her a good night hug. Like she had just lost herself.

Like we had just lost ourselves.

“So it is not me.” I nodded.

.

A black car approached us and she waved goodbye, making a little gesture around her lips as if she were asking me to leave ‘us’ with a smile—which, somehow, I did—before getting into the car and disappeared.

But it’s not you.

I felt around in my pocket for my cigarette and lit it up, almost coughed on every drag as the smoke filled my lungs even though I barely inhaled.

Because I can’t live with a ing poor street musician who has thrown his college and future away for something he loves to do but I don't, was probably what she was trying to say, I thought to myself.

.

You know what is worse than realizing that your entire being was just a waste of space?

It is when you believed that there's somebody out there who is willing to cope with your mess and help you figure out who you are, so you tried your best to find a path that would make it possible for the two of you to walk together.

But instead of you, she was the one who decided to give up and left.