Taeyong and I had a weird relationship. I’m not even sure if that’s the right word to describe whatever we had. Our relationship was fleeting, but intense at the same time. Our meetings involved , alcohol and drugs. To others, it might have seemed indecent or obscene, but to us, it’s what kept us feeling alive. It was a way to distract ourselves from reality and to keep us away from the outside world. I can’t remember how it all started or why we even started meeting up with each other. I guess we just felt this strange attraction towards each other for some unknown reason.

Our relationship was wrong, but right at the same time. We knew we probably should’ve stopped meeting up with each other. In some way, we enhanced each other’s bad qualities, but at the same time we were at our best whenever we were together. It simply felt comfortable to be around each other. No drama, no complications. No need to impress one another.

We never bothered talking about our emotions. We weren’t the type to get involved in drama. We weren’t the kind of people who depended on others. We liked to be on our own and live our own lives. I guess my presence was the only one he could ever stand and tolerate, but I felt the same way about him.

Some people shunned him because of the bad rumors about him. Other people secretly admired him for his good looks. It didn’t matter which side you were on, he seemed unobtainable either way. The people who didn’t doubt him as much were too scared to try and get to know him. I didn’t blame them. He did seem like a scary and distant person. The rumors didn’t really help with that image of his. Nobody really bothered to get close to him. In some way that sounds lonely, right? To him it was a peaceful way of living his life. He didn’t need anybody. That’s the way his life had always been. Nobody ever really understood him. Nor did I, despite the time I’d spent together with him.

Everyone thought he was bad news, so they always tried to avoid him. Rumors circulated about him being involved in shady business. I wasn’t the most innocent person in the world either, so I didn’t like to judge based on rumors. When I met him for the first time I decided to give him a chance. He was a cold and quiet person. It was obvious that he had built walls around himself which were higher than anyone had ever dared to climb before. He never really liked to talk about himself because he despised himself for who he was and all of his actions. I guess we were very much alike in a strange way, so I never tried to pry any information out of him. It wasn’t necessary to know everything about him. We were simply around each other whenever we needed someone’s presence.

It was hard to understand him, but at the same time we were so similar to each other, that it seemed like I knew him like the back of my hand. He was predictable and unpredictable at the same time, but I didn’t mind. Neither of us expected something from each other. We met up with each other whenever we felt like it. No promises or expectations. It was simply the way our relationship worked and neither dared to question it.

Somewhere along the way we learned each other’s habits and we knew what annoyed one another. Somewhere along the way we got closer than we ever meant to get. Somewhere along the road, somewhere along our countless meetings, we lost sight of reality. We knew that we couldn’t keep going like this. We never meant to get close to each other. The both of us knew that the time to say goodbye came closer and closer. We didn’t need to talk about it. We simply knew.

It was our last meeting. We both knew we wouldn’t see each other anymore after that night. Neither of us wanted to get anymore involved with each other. We had to stop before we were both too deep in. We didn’t want to be bothered by any form of commitment. Neither of us was capable of loving someone anyway. Maybe that’s the reason why we got along with each other. We simply knew we understood each other without ever really saying it out loud. We were like this strange drug to each other that we were addicted to and couldn’t get enough of. We kept on coming back for more. We were intoxicated with each other. We were caught in a spiral. We couldn’t get away from each other, but we had to. Staying around each other would’ve caused an overdose.

It was nice to have someone around who understood me, yet it felt weird to be around someone who was so much like me. This made it difficult for me at times, since I grew to despise myself over the years, just like he did with himself. However, we both knew that we had to get away from each other before we drowned in each other’s presence.

We were known as a dangerous duo, but we were probably the least dangerous whenever we were together. We cared for each other in a weird way. We never expressed our feelings through words. We thought our actions were enough to explain ourselves. People were scared of us, but to be honest, we were the most scared of each other. Scared of the feelings we had almost awakened inside of each other. Call us foolish and stupid, but we had to run away. We didn’t want to deal with this. We didn’t want to risk the chance of getting hurt. We didn’t want to risk having to rebuild these walls and making them higher than ever before. We didn’t want to risk hurting the only person we cared about in the entire world.

It was a strange night. Few words were shared between us. Too scared to say anything in fear of this night ending too soon. We simply let our bodies do the talking. If I had been any other person, if this were another life, I probably would’ve burst into tears at the thought of losing him. But he and I had always had this unwritten rule where we knew that we could never let things go too far. We wouldn’t dare to even utter the word ‘love’ in each other’s presence. Love was a long forgotten fairytale for the both of us.

That night he vanished just as quickly as he had come into my life.