I Gotta go my Own Way

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days

Just like a photo that in the beginning it’s a colorful image and as long as time passes it lose it life until it’s just a grey memory… In that way Yixing feel his marriage, he saw how the kisses were less each day, how love words disappear every minute, how the days together escaped between his fingers, He saw how his perfect life was going down as he spend his days in a lonely and enormous house that once was full of joy.

A house where the presences of his husband it exists only through the photographs on the wall.

He met Joonmyun on summer; almost six years ago back on his native country. When they saw each other, they knew it, they’d found what many people calls ‘The soulmate’. They fell in love just seeing directly on the other eyes, those perfect brown eyes of him attracting his own like a magnet, as if they were intended to be  for eternity.

Yixing’s parents had called him a fool who was only wasting his time and they decided to forbid Yixing to see Joonmyun. Anyways that didn’t stopped him to see his lover, every night the Chinese fled from home just to see that foreign that stole his heart and a big part of his mental sanity. His favorite time of day was when the sun went down and the moon appeared, Yixing waited anxiously the nightfall to go running into the arms of Joonmyun, but the sun had come out again, and they had to get away, so after many moons, the summer ended and Joonmyun had to go.

But he didn’t left all alone, he took Yixing with him.

In Korea the gay marriage wasn't accepted but that didn't stopped them, they wanted to be together regardless what the people would say. He left his old life, he left the love of his parents, he left everything behind but won a wonderful partner, or at least during the first two years of living together. Now that they had four, soon to be five years of concubinage everything had changed, nothing was the same. The words of his father assaulted his mind from time to time, and he could not help wondering, what had happened? What if it was his fault?

Each time, he felt more alone, more distressed and sad.

But for him it was fine -it must be- because Joonmyun had an important job and he shouldn’t ruin it with his worries and complaints.

Once he thought that the Korean native was cheating on him and decided to confront him, just to get a horrible discussion that lasted hours and ended with him crying in his bed, alone, while Joonmyun slept in the guest room.

After that, the elder had made an effort to spend more time with Yixing, to let Yixing know that he was the one and only for him, that all his love was his and no one else. Both went back to long dates, cuddling in bed, and corny talks. It lasted until Joon got an ascent in the company.

So, the flowers, the kisses and everything else were gone again. And had been supplanted by work, stress, loneliness, tears and more work.

That had been a year and a half ago, when Joonmyun, had only a small charge, in the present he is the CEO of the company, and barely go home.

Lay never again thought that the other was cheating, and also did not face Joonmyun again and demanded answers and more time for him. He just ignored the older, because for the Korean, his work was most important. So he followed his example and also made his work a priority.

If Joonmyun was at home, Yixing had an important event to attend. If the younger had a day off, the oldest was at a very important meeting at work. Yixing use to wait for him awake until irreligious hours at night, now whenever Joonmyun arrived at dawn, Yixing was sleeping and dinner was in the microwave.

He knew that Joonmyun dined in the company, but he always kept something for him in the microwave, hoping the elder read the hidden signal.

“I’m still trying”

Sometimes when he had lots of work, he’d forget about everything, his marriage, his sadness and joonmyun in general. He was also I little masochistic, because sometimes when he photographed families, he imagine that the people in front of the camera weren’t strangers, but he and his husband, happily smiling, sometimes with kids, sometimes alone, but always together.

His days off were the worst, if he stayed home, the torture (or  martyrdom) began, he watched his memories get back to life before him, sort of like an old movie reminding him everything he left behind, it was like a bad joke that his mind just made to mock him.

He avoided at all cost be drown on his misery, but he was tired of swimming and his sea of tears seemed to get bigger and bigger.

So every now and then he stayed home, but he couldn’t take it , so he’d go out, go to the park or even visited his friend Minseok, the two of them were go eating or just chatting, some other times he’d babysit for Kyungsoo y JongIn, when the needed time of as a couple and not as parents.

Always trying to keep his mind busy.

Once, someone told him “25th is the best age” that is the flower of life, that everything was happiness, flowers, rainbows and colors. What a lie.

His closest friends organized a party in his honor. He should have seen it coming, coz’ suddenly his cousing Luhan had arrived the country. Luhan dragged him out of his house, taking him to certain places all day long. When they got back home, all of his friends surprised him jumping out of the darkness, it was his birthday and he forgot. 

He pulled the most honest smile in his face showing that precious dimple on his cheek. Friend from his old block were there, some neighbors, coworkers even some relatives had come all the way from China.

Joonmyun didn’t show up.

Despite his trying to keep positive thinking, and continually repeated to himself 'he will come, he will come' Joonmyun didn’t show up, he tried to call him hiding in the kitchen, but always was answered by the mailbox. Although he wanted to he could not fully enjoy his birthday party, because his mind was elsewhere.

As everyone in the room, were singing the happy birthday song and a beautiful cake was in front of him, he could not help but burst into tears. He cried like never before had done. He was tired; tired of pretending everything was fine, because it was a lie. At first, the guests thought that it was tears of happiness, but when Kyungsoo, grabbed his arm and together with Minseok and Luhan took him to his room, they realized that it was not.

They left the brunette, lying and crying in bed with Kyungsoo trying to comfort him, while Minseok and Luhan said goodbye to the guests. With each sob, Yixing felt like his soul was falling apart and when he had finally calmed down, just a bit like the size of a pea was still in place.

 “How are you? “Minseok asked. “The truth, please.”

 “Like if a truck had run over me.”

“ What happened?”

Yixing  looked at Luhan while he wiped his cheeks with the back of his hands. He wondered whether it was wise to tell them his problems, he felt worried about how them would react and what they would say.

“Joonmyun happened. “ answered Kyungsoo. “Don’t try to deny it!”

Yixing kept his eyes closed as he tried to calm down, and after a few minutes he opened looking straight to the wall.

“My relationship it’s going down… I feel like I’m not even in a relationship, Joon and I… We are strangers that who occasionally coincide in the same house, we almost see eachother but for the photos, I barely remember how he looks.”

The previous attempt to calm himself down was in vain, since tears were running down his face again, and looking at that, his cousin hugged him, his back trying to calm him.

“You have to leave him”.

He let go his cousin, and looked at Kyungsoo, who was frowning. Luhan and Minseok had a worried expression.

“ I can’t.” Yixing mumbled.

“Yes you can, Xing, listen to me. “ Luhan said. “This isn’t good for you, you may get sick!”

“It’ll be better if you leave him…”

Yixing nod his head. “He’s my boyfriend, I love him.”

 “No, you said it… You both are strangers, that isn’t a real relationship, you’re ing single, if you two were truly boyfriends he would have enough ing guts to appear today or at least give you a call, but no... He’s a ing that it’s ing destroying your life.” Kyungsoo proclaimed.

Minseok and Luhan agreed.

“But I can’t leave him.”

“ , why not?!” Minseok asked, feeling a Little bit stressed.

“I don’t have any place to go, I came with him to Korea when I was really Young and the house, the car, he owns everything.”

“ing .” Kyungsoo mumbled. “Stay with me.”

“No, I know you would not mind have me and it would be great stay with you, I mean I love babysit JongWoo and your house is gorgeus but I also know that you barely have time to Jongin and Jongwoo and I do not want to be a nuisance, you need time to your relationship and with me in there that’s gonna be hard to do, so the answer is no… It’s enough with one broken relationship.”

“What about me?”

“Minseok, your place would be the first place where he would find, and I don't want to disturb.”

“But you don’t...

“I said no.” The Chinese interrupted.

“What about your parents?” Kyungsoo asked.

Yixing laughed “They hate me, when I left my home back in China they said that I wasn’t his son anymore, I can’t come back there.”

“I'd offer my house but... y’know, You would have to move back to china.

“I understand, don’t worry Lu, really… I’ll be fine.”

“You have to find a place for yourself, you can’t stay here…”

“I’m still believe in my relation, in two week from now it’s our anniversary” he explained. “If after that nothing changes, I'll leave him, I'll move on and everything.”

Kyungsoo, Minseok and Luhan, did not seem completely satisfied with his response but decided to respect it, they just wanted the best for Yixing.

The next morning, Yixing woke up alone as always.  He made his morning routine peacefully and before going to his studio, he smelled. There was a bouquet of violet flowers on the coffee table in the living room.

A small card that lay between the stalks said:

“Hace mucho tiempo, las flores se usaban para expresar mensajes y sentimientos que no podíamos decir. Amor mío te regalo Flores de Junquillo Violeta para expresarte lo que dice mi corazón. Por favor no me odies, intente llegar a tu fiesta pero me fue imposible, cuando llegué como siempre estabas dormido. Te amo mucho”

It was signed with Joonmyun’s letter, he wondered what those flowers meant, and returned to mourn when he read it on the Internet.

“ Me too.” said, wiping his tears and going to work.

Joonmyun keep on being extremely busy, Yixing continued with his plans to fix his relationship, he returned to wait awake, and to let love messages in Joon’s cellphone, reminding him that their anniversary was near. Sometimes, the older came early and they chatted a bit before bedtime. In a way, they had improved only a little, like baby steps, but the Chinese was happy with the progress.

October 24 came quickly, Yixing had everything ready, dinner, photos, everything. He waited anxiously until eight. At nine he began to worry. At ten he began to call, without getting an answer. At eleven as he wept, Joonmyun answered the phone.

“¿What do you want? Jeez! Stop calling, i’m ing busy.”

“Joon… I’m s-sorry, it’s just that... I…

“I don’t have time for any of your bull... Not now, later”

And Hung up.

Even when he had told himself that shouldn’t cry, his tear ducts ignored him as he exploded, crying and cursing at Joonmyun loudly. He had packed a suitcase, along with a plane ticket and after calming down; Yixing took a pen and a photo from the album and wrote in the back of it what would be his last words to Joonmyun. When he finished with the note He looked wistfully at the house, almost as if he wanted to record every part of it in his mind, he left his ring at the table where the food was still intact aside the photo album and his note and finally shut the door without looking back.

“¿Do you remember this pic? We just moved on together to that little apartment downtown, when I look back I can’t help but think that we were better in there. Then you were promoted and started having less time for me, so you bought this house, and said: We’ll be happier here. I wanted to believe you, god I tried hard but it wasn't like you said, I wasn't happy… I never wanted a house, I wanted you but you weren't here. My father’s words come to my mind every time and I just think, maybe he was right, maybe we were too young. We decided to believe in fairy tales that couldn’t come true, we believed in a “Happy ever after” that was a “Happy as it last”.  Please don’t feel guilty or regretful, i guess it have to be like this… I mean, not all the “other halfs” has to be together and the forever that we created was shorter than we tought but that’s okay, it was perfect. I Still love you with all my heart and soul and it gonna takes a lot of time to me to stop doing it but I need a truly partner, a boyfriend, a friend, lover but you can’t give me any of that. I waited patiently for your work ceases to be more important than me, but it was not. I don’t want you to look for me cuz’ it was really hard for me make this decision, today… I say goodbye to you and I leave you all my love and little part of me that is only yours. I’ll never forget you, because you’re my lovely Joon and you’re draw on my mind with ink. Once I read that if you loves you cry, I Already cry a lot for you so it’s time you do the same for me. I’ll try to find a new way without you but maybe in the future we’ll just met again, until then please take care. Yixing.”

I'm leaving today
'Cause I gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now, I gotta go my own way

🌟🌟🌟

First of all, i want to apologize for keep you guys waiting for so long, i'm really sorry.
Well big thanks to all the people that had suscribed to this story  and waited for it, my english can be really poor (I'm a spanish speaker) so if there are any mistakes or something wrong please don't hesitate in telling me, i'll fix it (or at least try to)... Hope you like it and that's it!