‘Cuz you, you are so beautiful.

 

The bass thumped through the room as Donghae practiced, waiting for his partner to arrive. It wasn’t like Hyukjae to be late, and he was starting to worry a little.

 

Hyukjae. Donghae thought about the older man as he stopped to rest. Hyukjae made Donghae confused. “Very confused,” he muttered to himself.

 

Whenever Hyukjae smiled or laughed, he would smile. Whenever Hyukjae danced, his eyes would be unable to look away. Whenever Hyukjae paid him special attention or did any kind of skinship with him, his heart would speed up and his breath would catch in his throat.

 

Now Donghae wasn’t a total idiot. He knew what these feelings meant. But there was just one problem –how could he… be in love… with Hyukjae??

 

For one, he knew for a fact that he was attracted to girls. He thought Jessica Jung was a gorgeous woman and would like nothing more than for her to return his feelings. However, any time he would imagine this, the thoughts that followed were inevitably about the dancer and how he would react.

 

For two, Hyukjae was his hyung, his bandmate. Even if they were to be in a… relationship… they would never be able to go public. It would be scandalous, not only the fact that they would be two males dating, which in itself was enough to end his career, but they were in the same group, and that would raise some serious questions. He didn’t want to think about the trouble that would cause for the company and for his fellow members

 

And anyway,Donghae thought, I don’t even know if he feels the same way. God, what am I thinking, of course he doesn’t like me! And despite his beliefs that he couldn’t possibly be in love with the monkey, the thought that Hyukjae didn’t feel the same way stung his heart. Donghae sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair.

 

“Hyung, why are you always in my head like this?”

 

“Like what, Donghae-ah?” Donghae started; he hadn’t heard anyone enter, but here was the object of his desires, tantalizing his eyes with a form-fitting wife-beater and low slung sweats.

 

“Ah, ani, Hyuk-hyung, it’s nothing,” Donghae stuttered as he tried to regain his runaway thoughts. “Do you want to start practicing?” Hyukjae studied the brunette, his brows furrowed.

 

“Are you okay, Hae-ah?” Donghae could hear the concern laced in his voice, and his stomach flopped weakly.

 

“Just feeling a little off, I’ll be better soon. Can we practice now?” Hyukjae frowned before nodding. His usually smiling fishy was upset by something, and he was going to find out.

 

As the first part of the song played, Donghae’s solo part, he thought of the words he would be singing. I think of what we were like when I first met you, your bashful smile, your shy words, your cold hands. I thought of you every day, I couldn’t do anything, almost going crazy.

 

Donghae thought of when he and Hyukjae met, he a young, rather lonely boy with a Mokpo accent, the other a gangly teen with a gummy smile, both ecstatic to be trainees in one of the biggest entertainment companies in Korea. He couldn’t help but chuckle, thinking that he never would’ve imagined the awkward anchovy he’d met then would become his best friend and band mate. And maybe something more, in the future… Donghae couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering to the side of the practice room, where he found Hyukjae staring at him. His eyes widened and he snapped his head back to the front, blushing madly. What’s wrong with you today, Donghae?! It’s just Hyukjae, stop it!

 

Hyuk watched all this as the pieces in his head started to fit together. He watched as Donghae got lost in the music, no longer just dancing, but feeling the words. He watched as Donghae’s face grew confused and frustrated, as Donghae’s eyes slid to him and, when he found the other watching him, he watched as Donghae turned away and blushed. He listened to the words on the track and truly heard them for the first time. As the final piece clicked into place, Hyukjae grinned. Hae-ah, do you have a crush on me?

 

The second verse started, and the dancer recognized his cue to enter. Time to find out, he chuckled to himself.

 

Hyukjae slipped into his place beside Donghae, glancing at the other. He noticed how the younger avoided looking at him, staring at his shoes instead. A sudden idea presented itself to Hyuk, and as he raised his hand to hold his “hat,” he brushed Donghae’s arm with the tips of his fingers.

 

The effect was immediate. Donghae jumped, startled at the sudden (but maybe not unwanted) contact. He stumbled, reaching out for something to grab, but just before he could fall and hit the floor, two strong arms reached out and steadied him. Donghae looked up and found himself face-to-face with Hyukjae. Face-to-face and very close to Hyukjae.

 

“Are you alright, Donghae?” Donghae couldn’t answer, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. He merely stood there in shock, his eyes wide and his mouth open. His thoughts were jumbled, but the few things he could process were Hyukjae. Close. Lips. I think I really might love him.

 

“Donghae!” He blinked, focusing on Hyukjae’s worried face, which was much too close for comfort. The next thing his mind processed was hands. One of Hyukjae’s arms was around his waist, supporting him, his other hand on Donghae’s upper arm. Hyukjae was holding him close, so close he was sure the other could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He looked up again, and stopped breathing. The dancer’s face was centimeters from his own, his breath warm on Donghae’s lips.

 

He wasn’t quite sure how it happened. He wasn’t quite sure why, if he was going to be completely honest. One moment he was staring shocked at Hyukjae, and the next moment their lips met in a kiss unlike any kiss Donghae had experienced before.

 

He was surprised at how soft Hyukjae’s lips were. Donghae hesitated for half a second before throwing caution to the wind and putting all his suppressed emotions into the kiss. He clutched the fabric of Hyukjae’s shirt, pulling him as close as he could get. His fingers threaded through the dancer’s hair, making him gasp a little and lean in infinitesimally. He was amazed at how well their lips fit each other’s. Of course, he tastes like strawberries. Strawberries and sugar. Hyukkie… There was a click, and Hae gasped into the silence, realizing that the music had stopped… and that he was kissing Hyukjae.

 

“I… I…” he stuttered, pulling away quickly and trying to find his words. “I-I’m sorry…” Without another word or a backward glance he wrenched himself out of the elder’s arms, which were still around him, and dashed from the room, leaving an utterly shocked and very confused Hyukjae.

 

Donghae ran down the stairs, ran out the front door, ran down the street, desperately trying to put as much distance as possible between him and that practice room. He didn’t stop until he was several blocks away in a park, safe from prying eyes in a secluded area surrounded by low tree branches. He sat there, trying to figure out what exactly had just happened. One. He had kissed Hyukjae. Two. He had run away. Three. He was now sitting in a park, hiding from the world, and trying to pretend he hadn’t just ed up his life. “Well,” Donghae sighed, “at least I know what I’m really feeling now. But Hyuk-ah, why did it have to be you?” He sighed again and buried his face in his hands.

 

‡

 

Hyukjae was still standing where Hae had left him. Slowly he raised his fingers to his lips, remembering the feeling of Donghae’s lips on his. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Hae has a little more than a crush on me.” So now the dancer’s question was what are my feelings for him? He had to admit, he hadn’t thought about the younger man in that way before. Yes their fans shipped Eunhae, and yes the two were close, Donghae was his fishy; but was he really his?

 

“Well, Hyukjae, you need to find out,” he told himself. “Your first question: what do you like about Donghae?” The dancer thought for a moment. He liked the way the other would puff his cheeks up when he was confused or frustrated, the way he would pout when he didn’t get what he wanted (which was usually the monkey’s attention). He loved the way Donghae smirked when he was onstage, the way he would execute his dance moves with an almost inhuman precision. He loved the way Donghae always tried to be strong and stand up for himself, but he also loved when Donghae showed his vulnerable side, wanted to be comforted. That has to mean something, right?

 

“Okay, Hyuk. Question two: what would you do if Donghae got together with someone else?” That one was a little more difficult to answer. He was fairly sure that he would be jealous, but he was also fairly sure he had no idea why. He and Hae spent a lot of time together; they were, after all, best friends. A girlfriend (or maybe boyfriend?) would definitely take up that extra “bff” time. But… now that he thought about it, wouldn’t Donghae hold hands with a significant other, be… intimate with them? He brought his fingers up to his lips again.

 

“Question three,” he murmured. “Do I want someone else kissing my Hae like that, or not?” Wait a second, my Hae? Is that what I really want? And then his next thought; if I asked Hae to kiss me again, what would it feel like? Would I kiss back? And then came two astonishing realizations. The first was that he had actually kissed Donghae back. The second was that he was in love with him. “I have to find him!” Hyukjae gasped.

 

‡

 

“I should probably go back now,” Donghae mused. He glanced up at the sky, which was turning a dark indigo as the sun gradually set. “The others will be wondering why I’m not back at the dorms by now.” He took out his phone and saw several messages, mostly from Hyukkie, saying “Where are you??,”“Please answer me!,” or “Hae please come back, I really need to talk to you…” There was also a rather angry text from Leeteuk-hyung saying “Where the HELL are you, Donghae, get back to the dorms THIS INSTANT!!!” He would just have to avoid speaking to, or looking at, or being in the same room with Hyukjae for a while. But for how long, Hae? A day, a week? You can’t keep it up for too long. The other members are bound to notice at some point. “Either way, I can’t stay here forever.” Sighing, he got up from his spot under the tree, dusted his pants off, and started walking back to the dorms.

 

On the way back, he thought about what had happened during practice. He had been so close to Hyukjae, and somehow, things had just happened. He hadn’t meant to kiss the dancer, really he hadn’t, but he had been only centimeters from the other’s face, and had always wondered what it would be like to kiss him. He also wondered if it was just his imagination, or if Hyukjae had really kissed him back. No, that was impossible.

 

If Donghae was going to be totally honest with himself, he wasn’t completely sure when he had fallen for the anchovy. Maybe it was when they first met, maybe during their first few months in Super Junior, when they were still trying to adjust to the immense popularity and fame they had received. Maybe it was while they were filming their Dangerous Friendship mini drama, and they had to play a couple –with a kiss and everything. Maybe it was when Hyukjae had held him while he cried for his father, either when they had first gotten the news, or at the funeral.

 

Whenever it had happened, he hadn’t truly comprehended it until a few weeks ago, when he had begun working on the choreography for Beautiful and realized he would much rather dance with his hyung than with any of the scantily clad female dancers his other members danced with. Since then, Hyukjae’s very presence had confused Donghae, as he tried to figure out exactly how he could be in love with him.

 

When Donghae finally reached the dorm building the sky was black and strewn with stars. He decided against using the elevator in favor of taking the slower way up the stairs. He dreaded reaching the 12^th floor, hoping he could delay seeing him for as long as possible. The confused fishy stopped somewhere between floors 8 and 9 and sat down on a step. The scene in the practice room kept replaying in his head, from when Hyukjae caught him to when they kissed. Donghae traced his lips with his thumb, wishing he could keep the feeling of that kiss forever. I’m definitely not going to be feeling it again. “Why did I have to fall in love with you, hyung?” He sighed for the umpteenth time that day.

 

“Donghae-hyung is that you?” a small voice chirped from several floors up. Donghae looked around. “Oh, Wookie, it’s you. What are you doing here?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing, hyung,” Ryeowook chuckled as he came down to sit by the brunette. “You look… tired. What’s wrong?” Donghae laid his head on the younger’s shoulder, glad for the company and comfort.

 

“I made a big mistake today, Ryeowook-ah, and I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure how to make things go back to the way they were. If they even will,” he snorted bitterly.

 

“Well,” the vocalist started thoughtfully, “what exactly happened? I mean, is it something you can apologize for, or is it different than that? Tell me more.” Donghae thought for a moment, wondering if he should tell Wookie what happened. He decided not to, if only because he wanted to avoid a major scandal within the group.

 

“I-I can’t Wookie. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you.” He nodded.

 

“I understand hyung, it’s okay. You know, it’s pretty late, and you should probably go upstairs. Also… you kind of smell bad.” Ryeowook wrinkled his nose a little, and Donghae laughed.

 

“Yeah, I was outside for a while after practice and I didn’t shower. I’ll do that. ‘Night Wookie.”

 

“Goodnight Hae-hyung,” the smaller replied as they went to their respective floors. “By the way,” he said from the doorway, “if you want to at least try to fix whatever happened, you should talk it out with Eunhyuk-hyung.”

 

Donghae gaped. “How did-”

 

“I can tell when two people are in love with each other. Also, he seemed to be in a complete daze when I saw him earlier. You should really talk to him.” Ryeowook smiled softly before closing the door behind him.

 

“Huh.” Donghae slipped quietly into his dorm and closed the door.

 

It was fairly dark in the living room, but he could tell that some of the members were still awake by the light coming from under their doors. He tiptoed to his room, not wanting to alert to anyone to his presence, where he found Hyukjae thankfully sleeping. The brunette grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms from his drawer and snuck off to the shower.

 

As the hot water cascaded down his body, Donghae thought about what Ryeowook had said. He probably should talk to Hyukjae, but right now, that was the last thing he wanted to do. He would just go to bed, and hope that they didn’t have any schedules together the next day. If they didn’t, lucky him, and if they did, well… he would just have to act like nothing had happened. “Aish, Hae, you pabo, of course something happened! You can’t just pretend like you didn’t ing kiss him!” He grumbled and washed the shampoo out of his hair. “But how am I supposed to fix this? And how did Wookie even know in the first place??” He thought of the younger man’s words. I can tell when two people are in love with each other. But… wouldn’t that mean that the dancer was in love with him, too? “That can’t be,” he muttered. Also, he seemed to be in a complete daze when I saw him earlier. “Could he really love me back? Maybe…” I hope so… He turned off the water and went to dry himself off.

 

Donghae crept back to his bed, hoping Hyukjae wouldn’t wake. He pulled the sheets up to his chin and listened to the other’s deep, even breathing. “Hyukjae-hyung,” he whispered into the dark, “I like you. More than I should. I think I love you.” He half-hoped his hyung would respond, that he was awake and had heard the confession. There was no response. Hae sighed and closed his eyes, a few tears escaping before he committed himself to sleep. Maybe he could forget everything, or maybe it would all turn out to be a bad dream.

 

An answering sigh came from the opposite side of the room.

 

‡

 

“Aish, will you just talk to him already?!” It had been barely a week since the kiss, and Donghae had been pretty successful in Mission: Avoid Hyukjae. However, Super Junior was currently at a photoshoot for a magazine, and in the small studio it was particularly hard to continue avoiding him.

 

Heechul glared at the brunette, his eyes blazing. “Hyung, I-”

 

“I don’t care, Donghae,” the diva growled. “You two have been dodging each other for a week now, and the whole group is suffering from your awkwardness. Just ing talk to him and work it out! Eunhyuk!” he called to the dancer who was sitting in the hair and makeup chair. “When you’re done over there come talk to me. It’s important.” The other nodded, his eyes flickering between Heechul and Donghae. He looked nervous.

 

“Heechul-hyung, please, this is awkward enough as it is, don’t make it worse,” Donghae begged. He knew that when Heechul got involved in s’ affairs, things were bad. “I’ll talk to him, I promise, I just… I can’t do it now.”

 

Heechul narrowed his eyes. “What happened that was so bad that you can’t even talk to Eunhyuk now?” Donghae swallowed and looked at his feet. “Tell me Donghae, or I’ll confiscate that fish plushy the monkey got you for your birthday.” The younger bit his lower lip. “Okay, but not here. Outside.” The diva grabbed his wrist and proceeded to drag him toward the door, Hyukjae’s eyes following them.

 

“We’re outside now. Talk.” Donghae chewed on his bottom lip and fidgeted, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say.

 

“Last week during practice, I… I kind of… kissed him?” The statement came out more like a question and the brunette found himself averting his gaze.

 

“Your lips met in an awkward accident, or you kissed him?” Heechul asked slowly.

 

“No, no I definitely kissed him,” Donghae replied, a little more confidently.

 

“Like how?” the other questioned. Donghae just looked puzzled. Heechul sighed impatiently. “I mean, what kind of kiss was it?”

 

“Like a full-on-the-lips-mouth-open-there-was-almost-tongue kind of kiss.” Heechul’s eyes widened a little.

 

“Oh,” he said. “Well, did you like it?”

 

“Wh-what??” Donghae stuttered, more than a bit startled at the bluntness of the question. The older paused for a moment, examining him with furrowed eyebrows. He looked up, seeming to see past the boy.

 

“Do you like him, Hae? Are you in love with Eunhyuk?” Donghae held his breath for a second, looking at Heechul seriously. He let it out in a whoosh, and at the same time whispered, “Yes.”

 

Heechul’s face broke into a smile. Without saying anything to the fishy, he walked around him and back into the studio, muttering something that sounded vaguely like, “He’s all yours now,” before the door closed.

 

Donghae turned around and found himself, once again, face-to-face with Hyukjae. He took a step back and his foot caught on the step. As he stumbled and fell backwards he thought, maybe the universe does have do-overs.­ He gulped when he once again felt Hyukjae’s arms around him.

 

“Déja vu,” he grinned sheepishly up at the dancer. “This seems pretty familiar.” Hyukjae smiled a tense smile.

 

“Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t end the same way.” Donghae blinked. He must really hate-

 

“I don’t want you running away from me again. At least, not without giving me a chance to do this.” At that, Hyukjae pulled him up and crashed their lips together.

 

This kiss wasn’t like the one before. That one had been desperate, heat-of-the-moment. This time it was fire and fierceness, like Hyukjae was trying to prove something. His lips ravished Donghae’s, biting and any part of him he could reach. Donghae responded immediately, attempting to press himself as close to the dancer as physically possible. He brushed his tongue across Hyukjae’s bottom lip, the other hesitating only for a second before opening his mouth. Donghae’s tongue swept through the elder’s mouth, determined to taste all of him.

 

Is this real?he thought. It can’t be. I must be dreaming or something. Maybe I hit my head too hard when I fell. Hyukkie can’t be kissing me. A sound halfway between a sigh and a moan broke Hae’s thoughts, and it took him a minute to realize that it came from him. Hyukjae pulled away and looked at him.

 

“What is it?” he questioned, searching the other’s face for some sort of answer. “Did I do something wrong?” Donghae swallowed again and his lips, thinking. No, he hadn’t done anything wrong per se, in fact the kiss had been amazing. But that in itself was what was wrong.

 

“No, you didn’t do anything, but I did,” he finally answered. “Hyuk-hyung, I have something to tell you. I think… no, I know, that I’ve fallen in love with you. And I know it’s wrong, and I know you don’t love me, and I’m sorry, but-”

 

“Hae.” Hyukjae cut him off. Donghae turned away, determined not to look at the dancer. He didn’t want to see the disgust on his face. “Hae you’re an idiot, how could you think that? Why won’t you look at me?” but the brunette continued to avert his eyes. “Please look at me Donghae, please.” At this point he couldn’t ignore the pleading in the other’s voice, and he glanced up. Hyukjae had tears in his eyes and was staring at him as if trying to memorize him. “How could you think I don’t love you? Why would I ever kiss you like that if I don’t love you?” The other just shook his head. “How am I supposed to convince you?”

 

“I don’t know, hyung,” Donghae whispered.

 

“Hae-ah. I like you. More than I should. I think I love you.” Donghae gasped.

 

“You heard me?” Hyukjae nodded. “But… why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“I wasn’t really sure until a couple days ago,” he said hanging his head. “I’m sorry, I was just surprised when I heard you say it.”

 

Donghae smiled softly and reached out to lift the elder’s head up. He leaned in slowly and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, tasting the salt from his tears.

 

“Lee Hyukjae, I love you. Much more than I should.” Hyukjae sighed and pulled Donghae into a tight embrace. His breath tickled the other’s ear as he whispered, “I love you too, Lee Donghae. So much more than I should.”

 

 

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