Jongin stared at the door of the empty room across his. It felt quite surreal how empty and hallow the room had become when it had only been two days since it was vacated. It wasn’t blue anymore, like the previous owner wanted it to be. There were also some cobwebs and scratches that looked almost like it had been there forever yet he was pretty sure those were nonexistent twenty four hours ago. Jongin chose the color red for his door because really, what could be more cliché, for a young adult like him, to have red as your favorite color? He smirked as his eyes shifted to the names written on the tags right next to the used-to-be blue door.

 

Oh Sehun
1994.04.12
Schizoaffective Disorder

 

They were very thorough with changing the color of the doors yet they couldn’t even manage to remove the tags on wall. He wasn’t surprised; it took them about half a year to remove Chanyeol’s. One of the nurses reasoned that leaving Chanyeol’s name on the list helped with Sehun’s rehabilitation. Jongin just chuckled at how wrong there were because just two days ago Sehun just told Jongin that he just learned how to fly and that the boy was going to practice his new found ability that night. Jongin called Sehun’s words bull and even called the boy crazy before shrugging and laughing at his own words because really, weren’t they all?

 

Sehun threw himself off the rooftop that same night. The same exact way Chanyeol did two years before.

 

Jongin walked towards the hallway, feet dragging his worn-out boat shoes. Each step echoing off the walls of his empty room before fading in his thoughts as he looked at the tags right next to his own red door.

 

Kim Jongin
1994.01.14
Alzheimer’s Disease (Young-Onset Dementia)

 

Ironic.

 

Jongin still fairly remember the day he was diagnosed. It was in the middle of summer, when school was off and he had spent too much time with his parents. He remembered how his father’s forehead scrunching in confusion and his mother bawling because it was just like his grandfather again – just a lot younger and a tiny bit less confused. His grandfather was diagnosed with dementia when he was seventy four years old and died right before he hit seventy seven. Jongin was only seventeen. His mother said that was impossible and that they were going get a second opinion and prove the doctor wrong. The second opinion proved her otherwise.

 

He was admitted to the facility when he was nineteen. His previous doctor had informed his parents that this facility could provide him suboptimal regimen that could help him better with his disease. His parents thought it was for the best while Jongin felt quite amused when the first thing they asked him as soon as he walked in, with his luggage in tow, was that what color did he want his door to be.

 

“Jongin.” A voice rang in his head. It was one of the nurses. Her face seemed unfamiliar but he really couldn’t care less. “You have a visitor.”

 

Ah. The best part of his day.

 

He smiled as he saw the small figure behind the nurse. The boy’s name was Do Kyungsoo. He had met him first at the courtyard when he had accidentally fallen asleep on one of the benches in the middle of autumn. Kyungsoo, being a year older and a lot less ed up in the head than he was, woke him up. They had been friends since then. Kyungsoo would drop by every Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings to hang out with Jongin. The elder used to be an outpatient that ended up volunteering at the facility because of Jongin. 

 

Kyungsoo was a college student majoring in pre-medicine and taking literature as his minor and hell, the elder can damn sure write. Jongin was his biggest fan and Jongin couldn’t be any happier because Sunday is story day hence Sunday automatically became Jongin’s favorite day of the week.

 

“Hi hyung.” He smiled.

 

“Hello Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiled back and Jongin may or may have not felt his heart skipped a beat. “So what’s up? What did you do yesterday?”

 

Jongin shrugged. “Sehun’s funeral was yesterday. They wouldn’t let me attend because they said his parents had taken him to Seoul and Seoul is far. So I just made paper airplanes all day.” He even pouted, scratching the back of his neck as he wriggled his toes inside his boat shoes.

 

Kyungsoo pursed his lips, eyes lingering on the door across his, as if reminiscing the very little time he had spent with the pair. It was quite sad, really, but Jongin had too much time in his hands just to be spent on mourning. He would rather hear Kyungsoo’s stories.

 

“Got some new fairy tales for me today?”

 

“Don’t I always?” Kyungsoo’s smile grew even wider and this time, Jongin was a very sure that his heart had just skipped another beat. “It’s springtime. I heard the flowers in garden are almost at full bloom now. Shall we head over there?”

 

“Sure.” The word escaped through his lips way too fluidly it sounded quite a bit foreign. He must have stuttered. It was a new habit he had formed in the past few years. Thanks to his disease, of course.

 

Jongin would’ve had said no because the sun was never really his liking and being friends with Oh Sehun  had made his aversion towards it even worse. He remembered listening to the younger’s monologue about his hatred towards the sun almost every morning when the nurses would make them jog around courtyard for their morning exercise.

 

Jongin thought it was funny how he used the word remember a lot when he sometimes couldn’t even recognize the difference between left and right and that day was not an exception. He had forgotten the exit to the garden.

 

He would laugh at the word forgotten but that would be terribly clichéd.

 

“Jongin. Just keep going straight. I’m right behind you.” Kyungsoo instructed a couple of steps behind him. Jongin realized how much of a slow-walker Kyungsoo was. “The exit’s at the end of this hallway.” The elder even added, as if he had read Jongin’s mind.

 

As soon as the door opened in front of him, Jongin felt the spring breeze caressed his face and made his hair dance in the invisible tune of nature. Jongin still didn’t like the sun but the gardenias right next to the gazebo was a little too pretty to just ignore. He picked the bench in the farthest corner where the hybrid roses were though. Kyungsoo had once told him that hybrid roses were the elder’s favorite flowers.

 

“You walk too slow hyung.” Jongin giggled when Kyungsoo finally arrived.

 

“I’m just getting too old now Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiled yet there was a slight emotion in his eyes that Jongin couldn’t seem to comprehend. It was something cavorting between regret and sadness or perhaps both. Jongin would ask but he knew he would never get an answer. Kyungsoo was just a tad bit too secretive about his personal life. The elder said he liked to keep an air of mysteriousness around him. Jongin laughed yet deep inside he knew how much he loved mysteries.

 

Jongin looked around him. There were quite a bunch of new faces he was pretty sure he had never seen before yet who was he to complain anyway? He never really interacted with anybody in the facility other than Sehun and Chanyeol and even that was already doing too much. It only happened because they were neighbors and all around the same age so therefore they should be friends. It was mandatory, according to Chanyeol.

 

He might have missed the pair a little. Just a little.

 

“Are you ready?” Kyungsoo asked as he fished his worn out stack of steno pads from his tacky messenger bag. “I got quite a few for you today.”

 

Kyungsoo laid about fifteen different notebooks in front of him and he started wondering where Kyungsoo keeps all of the notebooks he had. There were different dates scribbled on the top each one all from the month of March from different years in the future.

 

“Pick one.”

 

Jongin picked the one that said March 13, 2017 just because.

 

“Good one.” Kyungsoo mumbled before putting the rest of his notepads away.

 

“I know. I’m the best.”

 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes before flipping through the pages and motioned him to shut up so he could start reading and Jongin had always been very obedient. His parents would say otherwise but Jongin would forever stand for his opinion.

 

“Once upon a time …”

 

Jongin thought the beginning was too cliché yet the way each syllable passed through Kyungsoo’s lips and how the elder’s voice felt like satin and velvet in his ears made him forget that falling in love was a also a cliché but he never really cared when his heart had already fallen deeply without any warning.

D.O. and Kai met in the middle of autumn, when the sky was dim, the ground was covered with mud and dried leaves, and when the air felt musty and cold. D.O. first thought that he was, once again, trapped in one of the illusions his mind had created for the perfect human being named Kai existing in his world already felt too unreal. Kai was tall and had bronze skin that sparkled even under the gray skies. It was almost as if he was placed in the right place and right time for the sole purpose of illuminating D.O.’s life. What made everything worse was that D.O. didn’t expect Kai’s smile to be even brighter than. It was almost blinding.

 

Another thing that D.O. didn’t expect was that Kai also thought that D.O. was just equally as perfect as him, perhaps even more.

 

“Hi. I’m Kai.”

 

“D.O.” He mumbled, taking the hand that was laid in front of him.

 

“Do you live here too? I haven’t seen you before.” Kai inquired, eyes glittered by mischief and curiosity.

 

“Oh no. I just drop by once a month. Outpatient.” D.O. answered as he sat right next to Kai. He felt a shiver down his spine when his arm brushed on Kai’s. He would say it was because of the other boy but it was also almost winter and blaming such feeling to the weather would be the most coherent choice. It had only been less than five minutes they had met anyway. Not like D.O. spent about another extra thirty minutes staring at the boy before he approached him. Nope, not at all.

 

Kai hummed, perhaps because of disappointment. He would really like to get to know D.O. even more. He seemed like a nice guy.  A lot nicer and a lot calmer than his neighbors at least. Living in that building hadn’t been as easy as he was promised but they just met and Kai was not really in the right place to impose. He decided to look at D.O.’s face instead, hoping for a different answer that would somehow mean something like seeing each other every day. Kai had been once told that he was quite ambitious. Perhaps they were right.

 

“I’ll come by more often if you want.” D.O.’s words came out way too swiftly for his liking and Kai thought that the heavens had, for once, answered his prayers.

 

“I’d like that.”

 

Kai smiled.

 

D.O. fell in love.

 

Perhaps Kai did too.

 

Although sometimes, D.O. wished he just didn’t. Sometimes he wished he just remained friends with Kai. Sometimes he wished he just ignored the light that Kai offered him in the midst of that chilly autumn afternoon. If he didn’t then he wouldn’t be hurting as much when he came back half a year later and the boy didn’t even remember meeting him at all.

 

“Have we met before?”

 

D.O. forced a smile when Kai approached him during lunch in the cafeteria. Tears almost fell when the boy smiled back at him yet D.O. knew better. He wasn’t supposed to. He had been told so many times that he was not supposed to upset Kai. He was not supposed to argue with nor force him into doing something that would just cause him strain. No matter how much he’s hurting, he was not supposed to say anything.

 

“A couple times before. Yes.” D.O. clutched his fist under the table, hidden from Kai’s eyes. Ironic how he’s doing the same with his own feelings yet who was he to complain?

 

“Oh.” Kai paused, fingers twiddling as chocolate brown eyes looked straight into D.O.’s eyes as if he was trying to read his mind. “I’m sorry. I’m a little … uh … forgetful? What’s your name?” It felt wrong to ask but Kai would really want to know.

 

The way Kai bit his lip and flutter his eyelashes had been nothing but familiar to D.O. It was a gesture he would get from the younger every time he would come by and Kai was having one of his very infrequent episodes. It’ll be okay – D.O. would tell himself as he pretended to scratch his eyes when in reality, he was just veiling his tears.

 

“I’m D.O. and I understand.” D.O. started picking on his food. “We weren’t that close anyway.”

 

Lies.

 

Kai knew yet he chose to not say anything. The pain that he saw in D.O.’s eyes was nothing but heartbreaking. He knew that D.O. meant something for him yet he somehow couldn’t place how and why yet when he looked at the other’s face, all he could think about was how his heart beat rapidly as soon as their eyes met. His brain may not remember exactly how or why he felt like flying when D.O. smiled at him yet he knew that he had never felt like that before and he would rather trade all his memories if he could be with D.O. forever.

 

“I know you’re lying.” Kai whispered. “But it’s okay. I know you’re hurting and it’s my fault. I’m sorry.”He took D.O.’s hand that was hiding beneath the table and entangled their fingers. “Hell. I don’t even know if this is okay but I need you to promise me that next time I forget about you... please help me remember you. . I know it sounds very selfish but I somehow know that to me, you are more than just friends. My brain might have forgotten you but I know in my heart that you are very important to me and I would really like it if you would stay by my side. Even if my brain had forgotten you, my heart would always find its way to you.” He left a soft kiss on the back of D.O.’s hand before letting it go. “I’ll see you next time?”

 

D.O. just started at the younger, tears freely streaming down his cheeks. “Of course.”

 

Kai smiled, and once again, D.O. fell deeper in love and this time, he wouldn’t regret any of it.  He reached for his bag, pulling out a small photograph from one of its pockets. It was a polaroid photo that was taken back in January. It was him and Kai, smiling brightly at the camera as if the world had stopped spinning just for the both of them. D.O. scribbled something on the back before giving the picture to Kai.

 

March 18, 2017 – it read.

 

“Keep this. If you can, look at it tomorrow morning as soon as you wake up. Perhaps then, you will remember me …”

“The end.”

 

“So you’re telling me that this Kai guy …” Jongin muttered as he lay on Kyungsoo’s lap, feet propped on the bench’s armrest and boat shoes haphazardly thrown on the floor. “Is forgetful enough to forget his boyfriend.” He sighed. “That’s rude.”

 

Kyungsoo chuckled at Jongin’s words, finding it funny how he had grown accustomed with the painful irony. He would sometimes think of saying more yet he knew better. It takes more than just words to express everything that were going on inside his mind and his heart and it would definitely take more than just words to relay his message to Jongin.

 

“It’s because he’s sick Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiled at the younger. “He forgets things. Just like you.”

 

“I’m not that bad.” Jongin pouted. “I will never forget you.”

 

Sometimes, Kyungsoo would still find himself hurting.

 

“Really?”

 

“Mmmhm.” Jongin fiddled with his fingers before looking at him with eyes full of mischief as if it was in the middle of autumn once more. “I love you too much.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

He looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining brightly in the midst of the blue skies and Kyungsoo thought that day was perfect because it was as if everything had just fallen right into place.

 

Except it hadn’t.

 

“Dr. D-“

 

“Yes Joohyun?”

 

A female in blue and pink scrubs came up to him with a small clipboard in her hand. She was one of the nurses in the facilities.

 

“It’s lunchtime.” Joohyun shifted her gaze to the boy still lying in his lap. “It’s time for Jongin to take his medicine Dr. D-“

 

“Kyungsoo, Joohyun. Just Kyungsoo is fine.” He smiled at her. “We will go back to Jongin’s room in a bit. I’ll take care of his medications too.”

 

“Are you-“

 

“Yes Joohyun. We’ll be fine.” Kyungsoo patted Jongin’s head, fingers combing through soft locks. “Also, let Director Kim that I will see him after lunch, for me please and thank you.”

 

As soon as the nurse left, Jongin almost bombarded Kyungsoo with questions. Kyungsoo would rather not answer because Jongin hated lies and Kyungsoo hated lying to Jongin even more. Yet what could he have done? It was always the same question that Kyungsoo could never give the proper answer to.

 

“Is she a new nurse?” Jongin raised his brow before sitting up. “Do you like her?”

 

Kyungsoo just chuckled at how childish Jongin was. “No she isn’t. She’s been here a while. You probably just didn’t notice her before. And no, I don’t like her like that.” He ruffled Jongin’s hair before pecking his lips. “I’m all yours.”

 

 “You better be.” Jongin grinned. “Why did you need to talk to the Director though? Are they gonna finally hire you? Why was she calling you doctor??”

 

Kyungsoo just laughed at Jongin’s questions. It was a lot easier than words.

 

It was almost twelve in noon and Jongin was too close to missing a dose of his medication. Kyungsoo, of all people, wouldn’t like that of course. He lead the younger back to his room and smiled as soon as he saw the mosaic of polaroid pictures on the wall. It was Jongin’s idea to put those up there. He said it gave him comfort. Kyungsoo thought it was quite adorable.

 

It was already almost two in the afternoon when Kyungsoo lulled Jongin to sleep, as was already half an hour past three when he got a chance to meet with the Director.

 

“You can’t be just doing this everyday Kyungsoo.” Were the first words he heard as soon as he entered Director Kim’s office. “I hate to say this but you’re wasting your talent on this. You could be doing great things. You’re one of the best neurologists I know.”

 

“Junmyeon.” Kyungsoo stared at his friend. He met Junmyeon in graduate school and had become one of his closest friends since then. “I’m perfectly fine where I am at right now. The facility is going very well too. Appointing you as the director was one of the best decisions I made.”

 

Junmyeon let out a sigh of exasperation. Kyungsoo could tell that his friend was still vexed that he had let go of his position of being the hospital director to continue his research on Alzheimer’s disease. It had been two years since he stopped his medical practice and he sometimes couldn’t understand how Junmyeon still had not faltered on asking him to come back.

 

“I’m alright Junmyeon.” Kyungsoo smiled. “My research is going well too.”

 

“Reading your love story to Jongin every single day is hardly a research Soo.”

 

Kyungsoo would be offended if he hadn’t heard those words before. It wasn’t just Junmyeon that expressed their disappointment towards Kyungsoo’s decision. Even Jongin – on the very rare days that he would remember – had voiced his great distress.

 

“You know that there is no cure for-“

 

“I know that.” Kyungsoo’s tone was nothing but stern. “That’s why I will keep doing my research until I find it. He’s getting better every day-“

 

“He really isn’t. I looked at his files this morning. His CT showed that his brain activity had dramatically decreased and the apoptosis of his brain cells had already increased.” Junmyeon pulled up a red folder in his drawer. Kyungsoo knew they were Jongin’s file. “His hippocampus has been gravely damaged by his Alzheimer’s and you know what that means Kyungsoo.”

 

Junmyeon’s words rang in Kyungsoo’s head. Not that he didn’t know the facts that his friends just mentioned, in fact, he knew all of those as if they were written on the back of his hand. He had been studying Jongin’s files every since he graduated from med-school. It had been fifteen years. Fifteen unfruitful years because until then, he still had to remind Jongin who he was almost every day and he would still shed some tears in the morning when he would tell Jongin he loves him and the younger would just ask for his name.

 

“I was thinking of doing another transplant-“

 

“No.”

 

“I saw a study done in San Francisco about-“

 

“No, Kyungsoo. I won’t allow it.”

 

“It will work this time Junmyeon. I know it will.” Kyungsoo’s tears had stained his cheeks and he couldn’t even bother to wipe them. It wasn’t the first time Junmyeon would see them anyway. “Just one more-“

 

“No. Jongin is almost fifty years old Kyungsoo and he’s just getting weaker everyday.” Junmyeon eyed his friend. He hated the fact that he had to be the one to throw his already hurting colleague more pain. “It’s remarkable how he lasted this long. You’re remarkable for staying with him the whole time but it’s almost time to let him go. His lungs are not doing any better either. I know you are hurting Kyungsoo, but he is too, even far worse than you are.”

 

Jongin caught pneumonia last winter. It was a miracle that he could still stand on his own on some days.

 

Perhaps Junmyeon was right. Perhaps it was time to let Jongin go.

 

“I have to go. I need to be with Jongin”

 

Kyungsoo felt his heart crack with every step he took, a fake smile shrouding the pain that he had been carrying for all the years he had been trying to be strong for both him and Jongin. He would spend endless nights watching Jongin in his sleep as he wrote each day of their lives together in the past twenty something years. It would be a lie if he said he never thought about leaving. He had thought about just walking away in the middle of the night yet whenever he would, Jongin would wake up and call his name.

 

It was cruelly satirical how those nights, when one of his feet was already out the door, were the very few moments when Jongin would remember the most about them. He would remember his name, how they met and what they had for dinner in the previous night. Jongin would spend half of the night apologizing whilst Kyungsoo would just stare at his beloved, savoring each rare moment of just being there, in Jongin arms without the constant worry of being forgotten.

 

“Hyung … Kyungsoo …” Jongin’s voice broke Kyungsoo’s trance. Sometimes, just hearing Jongin say his name would break his heart too. “Where were you? I almost freaked out when I woke up and you weren’t here.”

 

 “I just went out to get some fresh air.” A smile curved Kyungsoo’s lips.  “How are you feeling? What did you do yesterday?” It was a question Kyungsoo would always ask, just to discern which part of their life Jongin was at.

 

Jongin motioned him to get closer and as Kyungsoo watched the younger he thought of how terribly frail Jongin had become. He thought of how different he was from the boy he found in the courtyard in the middle of autumn, sleeping so beautifully under the dim sky.

 

“You read me a story yesterday… our love story. Exactly like what you have been doing for me in the past twenty years.” Jongin’s eyes sparkled and Kyungsoo thought he couldn’t be any happier. He thought Junmyeon was wrong. He could still hold on to Jongin just a little bit longer. “You know what’s funny though, hyung? It’s that it doesn’t matter which part of our life I remember, I still recognize you as you. Even if I remember you as the twenty two year old boy I met way back when or the man that you are right now I just somehow know who you are. Despite of how much different you look right now, I just know that it’s you.”

 

Kyungsoo laid down right next to Jongin, nuzzling his face in the crook of Jongin’s neck. The younger’s arms weren’t as strong as they used to be but Kyungsoo felt like being in Jongin’s arms was the safest place in the world.

 

“It’s because like what you told me, once upon a time, that in spite of your brain forgetting me, your heart would always find its way to me.”

 

“I love you hyung.”

 

“I love you too Jongin.”

 

Kyungsoo would have said more. He always wanted to say more, yet the way his finger fit in between Jongin was already enough to tell him, Jongin, and the whole world that it would take more than just time and memories to break them apart.

 

Kyungsoo fell in a deep slumber.

 

Jongin did too, just an even deeper one – the one that transcends time and memories, the one that, just like their love, would last forever.