If only

Clothes were strewn all over the room - draped over the computer chair, littering every spot on the floor, mountain piles of clothes on the sofa - but the cleanest part of the room was always her workspace. She always made sure that her workspace would be clean of any dirty laundry or candy wrappers or snack crumbs, unlike the rest of the room, and she would go nuts over even a speck of dust on her keyboard or her newly bought acoustic guitar. This side of hers confused the people around her because one side don't mind the clutter but the other was too much of a cleanliness freak.

'My workspace is my escape. Even if anything else is messed up, it should be the only space without a mess,' she explained once in the past.

This statement still hold true until now because her world seemed to revolve around it and she spent more time working at the small corner of her room, composing and writing up lyrics to a new song or a rap, more time than she spent eating, sleeping and hanging out with her friends; combined. Her workplace was her haven in the midst of the busy, round-the-clock world outside.

It all started when they began to live by themselves instead of dorming together. Usually she would be out at the living room, watching the television with the maknae or helping the leader cleaning the dorm or teasing the other maknae about her pajamas but living alone changed everything. She had so much time on her hands, and they decided to live separately to give each other space so she can't barge into their apartments as often as she would into their room while in the dorm, so she would immerse herself in work. She became more productive and coming up with new ideas for their next comeback concept, new songs and she even challenged herself on mixing the melodies and the harmonies by herself.

She became more of a workaholic than before and she would stay at practice room longer than the others, she would regularly be at rap making lessons and composing classes when she didn't have to practice their choreographies or recording. If they thought they'll see less of each other when they started living separately, they were right but it was not the same with her. It's as if they don't see her any other time aside from their practices together and they tried to understand for the first few weeks but it's been a month since and they swear they could count how many times they've met for the last month.

"Yongsun-unnie, have you seen Byulie-unnie?"

"I asked the same thing to Hyelim-unnie but she said Byul's going to learn more about rap from Hanhae-oppa."

"Wha- Seriously, is there something going on with Byulie-unnie?"

"Normally I would just say that she's enthusiastic about learning more rap techniques but I agree that this is getting out of hand."

"Out of hand is a little of an understatement. We rarely ever see her around! She rejected my offer to go shopping today," Hyejin complained.

"I invited her to the movies last week but got rejected as well," Wheein agreed.

Solar heaved a sigh when she thought back to the text she received earlier from Moonbyul saying that she'll not be joining her for lunch. As a leader and a close friend, she can't help but worry about her behaviour for the past month.

"Hanhae-oppa is at room 3. I'll go there and ask if he could give us some space to talk. I'll talk to her so go back to the apartment. Don't worry so much," Solar reassured the maknaes, forcing a small smile to convince the two.

Hyejin nodded at her and took Wheein's hand into hers and they walked together to their apartment, both deep in thoughts.

"Hyejin-ie, do you think she's okay?"

"Byulie-unnie? I'm sure she is. Let's leave it to Yongsun-unnie. What do you think of getting Chinese delivery? My treat."

"You're the best!"

Yongsun-unnie, we'll leave it to you. If she's going to open up to someone, it's you.

Another sigh escaped and Solar took a short trip to the restroom to prepare herself for the inevitable serious talk with Moonbyul and if she's being honest with herself, she's been trying to delay it but she needed to have some answers for the worried maknaes.

'Byul, I told Hyelim-unnie about living separately.'

'B-But I thought… Are you seriously considering it?'

'We need space or we'll tire ourselves out. Each of us needs our own space. It'll be better that way.'

'Why didn't you discuss it first with us? With me?'

'I did. But you just dismissed it!'

'Wha- What? When?'

'I talked to you about it but you kept playing around, teasing me. You're always like that. Won't you be serious for once?!'

Moonbyul was taken aback and the accusation hit her hard and her face contorted in pain as the words sunk in. Solar tried apologizing but Moonbyul took a step back in disbelief, her legs turning to jelly and she spun around so quick so Solar wouldn't see the tears streaming down her cheeks.

Her voice shook but she steeled herself enough to deliver the message before exiting the dorm.

'I understand. I'm going out for a bit.'

That day marked the first time they had a huge fight and that day, Moonbyul didn't return to their dorm. Solar tried going after Moonbyul that night but the maknaes heard Moonbyul going out and when asked where she's going herself, Solar couldn't bring herself to tell them the truth. That they were fighting and that she made her cry and run out of the dorm at an ungodly hour. She lied to them saying Moonbyul's out to the convenience store, or did she say about getting some fresh air? Solar wasn't aware of anything from that point after because she found herself staying up and waited for Moonbyul to come back but she never did until the next day.

'Oh! Solar-unnie, what are you doing out here?'

'I was waiting for you. Look I'm so-'

'Aah, it's this late already. I'm heading to bed, good night!'

Just like that, Moonbyul acted as if nothing was wrong and pretended that the fight never happened but Solar knew that she took her words in her heart. She didn't fool around as much and only talked about work and practice and when the new living arrangement was finalized, she moved out without any complaints or even a goodbye. She just moved her things out and that was the start of their distant relationship.

Solar took a deep breath, her heart clenched whenever she recalled back that night. She admitted that she was harsh on Moonbyul and she'd rather have the younger girl to scream at her or outright confront her but she was given a silent treatment instead. Moonbyul would choose to pretend that nothing happened and forced herself to change over being frontal about it hurt Solar but she knew it worked both ways. Moonbyul kept the pain to herself and from the maknaes' testimony, Solar was sure that she's trying to isolate herself. It was her fault and yet Moonbyul was the one protecting her so the two youngest members wouldn't be upset with Solar.

It's been 10 minutes but she hasn't stepped out from the washroom and not the least ready to face Moonbyul but she must do it if she wants to save her friendship with her and maintain the group's teamwork. As soon as she open the door, she met the person she wanted to talk to and in shock, she froze and her breath hitched. She wasn't expecting to bump into her like this so she was rooted to the ground, blocking her way.

"Solar-unnie? I need to use the toilet. Can you move aside?"

She couldn't even utter a word but moved aside nonetheless and when Moonbyul entered the toilet stall, Solar breathe out and tried to calm down her racing heart beat. She waited out at the lobby and bought two cans of fruit juice before sitting awkwardly at the bench as she waited for Moonbyul to come out of the washroom.

Hanhae-oppa. Give me a minute with Moonbyul. It's important. Sorry!

"Byul-ah!"

She stopped in her tracks and turned her head to meet Solar's eyes but she immediately divert her attention to the floor. Her hands shook slightly as Solar approached her and she barely managed to stop herself from backing away.

"Will you hear me out? Please."

"I gotta go back to my rap lesson."

"I texted Hanhae-oppa already. He said it's okay. Please, let's talk."

Moonbyul went past her and sat on the bench and Solar took it as a sign that she'll listen to what she has to say so she sat next to her, giving enough space between them as she was afraid that if she sat so close, Moonbyul might move away. She had seen the pain in her eyes when they fought and honestly she couldn't take it anymore if she put the distance between them now. Solar put down one of the juice can on the bench and pushed it towards Moonbyul and opened hers to take a sip. She's nervous and didn't know where to begin.

"Unnie, what do you want to talk about? I really need to get back to my lesson."

"Umm, Byul-ah. What happened before… I- It was wrong of me," Solar began, squeezing the can in her hand in frustration.

"You were right. I joke around too much. I'm just trying to focus on work now. If that's all then excuse me."

Grab her hand! Hold on to her! You'll lose her if you don't!

She knew that if she let Moonbyul walk away from her now, she wouldn't get her back. The first time she let that happen, she lost the Moonbyul she had known for 4 years but if she let it happen again for the second time, she knew that the friendship they had going would be lost forever. Her heart fought vigorously so she would grab her hand but her body didn't move as she wanted and so that night, her right hand was hanging in the air as she missed Moonbyul's arm by a hairline. Her can of juice fall to the ground, its contents flowing out endlessly like the tears streaming down her cheeks.

By her side, there was the cold can of juice, unopened, just like the closed off heart of one Moon Byul Yi.

All it took was one fight, one mistake, one word and her whole world crashed down.

If only I didn't say it.

If only I stopped her.

If only I went after her.

If only I stop being stupid.

If only I be truthful with myself.

If only I told her that I love her.

If only.

If only.