11th March 2016.

It was after midnight when you freed yourself from Bobby’s arms and took a step outside to the balcony. The wind was blowing gently and you felt the breezy air pickling on each part of your body. It felt nice; you felt alive.

These past weeks– no, months had made you feel like you were suffocating. You had no idea why, it was just this feeling; this feeling that you pushed into the very corner of your heart. The exact answer you needed but as soon as you tried to grasp it, a big wave of fear and sorrow washed over you. It was almost unbearable.

The stars were smiling down on you and you peeked at the beauty that spread out above you, seeking for the key to your confusion. It felt like the answer was somewhere up there; right before your eyes, if you just searched hard enough.

You were tired; tired of feeling. You closed your eyes and suddenly felt Bobby’s embrace around your slim body. His broad shoulders and wide arms were enough to lock you up in his warmth and you let yourself drown in the love he exuded. “What’s wrong beautiful?”, he asked you in the same tone he had done for the past weeks. It felt like a deja-vu.

“It’s nothing”, you tried to calm him when it was actually you that you needed to calm down. If you just closed your eyes and suppressed the truth, could your lies become reality? At least that was what you wished for as you held him tighter and let his kindness fill you in. It was your only safe corner your had left on this world to flee in. As long as Bobby was there, it didn’t matter what happened; he was the only person that mattered.

“You need to let go”, there was a change of emotion in his voice and it suddenly sounded so full of sadness, it made your heart ache. “What do you mean Bobby?”, deep down you knew what he meant by that but you pushed every thought away, all you wanted was him and only him. Nothing else mattered. Why did he kept pushing you away?

“Please, it’s already too late–”, “Stop it”, the tears welled up in your eyes and Bobby was suddenly gone. Left alone in the darkness of the night, you cried your heart out till your eyes were drained and your mind too irritated to keep going. You fell asleep, somehow back in his arms and felt calm as soon as his touch connected with yours.

He was still there; Bobby was still there.

–

You hadn’t expected Bobby to be there when you opened your eyes and met his figure in front of you. He was observing himself in the mirror until he noticed you being awake and a wide smile spread across his face. Confused and still bothered about what he had told you last night, you got up and felt relieved when he pulled you into his arms. “Did you sleep well?”, he almost hummed and it felt like last night was just a stupid dream your mind had made up.

“Yeah”, Bobby kissed your forehead and gazed into your eyes for quite some time before he let go. “I made breakfast, you should eat something before you go out”, “Okay”, you were about head to the door when you kept staring at his back, he was so beautiful, before hugging him softly; so softly as if he would break any second. “What you said last night– did you really mean it? Are you breaking– breaking up with me?”, the last question was only a mere whisper, however when he interlaced your fingers with each other and squeezed them lightly, you already felt calm again.

“What do you mean? Of course not”, it almost looked like you hurt him with those words and a heavy weight suddenly fell of your chest. You hadn’t even noticed you had held your breath this whole time and exhaled slowly. “That’s a relief then”, you smiled and went into the kitchen to eat. The so called breakfast he apparently had made wasn’t there and you shook your head, he always pulled stuff like this. You were in a too good mood to get upset, so you made some eggs and shared some with Bobby before you headed off to work.

“You’re already back? I thought i wouldn’t see you here for quite some time”, your boss narrowed her eyebrows in confusion as you noticed the pity that lied in her eyes. You didn’t quite understand; at the same time you didn’t gave any reply. You noticed the same look in the eyes of your colleagues but no one seemed to talk you. Everything was so quiet and felt so wrong in a way–

A heavy sigh escaped your mouth when you headed back home. Finally. At home Bobby would wait and not treat you like a made of glass that would break any second. Yes, you did feel different for the past weeks, however it wasn’t to that extend. You didn’t even know how the people at work found out about it. Just because you took some time off didn’t mean something horrible had happened--

You need to let go, Y/N, Please

His voice was back again, it felt like he was shaking you but he wasn’t actually there. You looked around, the sky turned dark and you ran home, hoping all of this was just a bad dream. As soon as you rushed through the door to the apartment, silence welcomed you. A heavy, suffocating silence and you looked for Bobby hastily, screaming his name.

You didn’t even know why you were panicking so much, he was probably still at work and arrive later like he sometimes did. However something tugged at your heart and once again you went out to be embraced by darkness and not his warmth. You wandered around, not sure where you were going while the tears kept flowing out of your eyes. Loud sobs filled the night and you were lost and confused again. Irritated all by yourself.

Let go.

You didn’t knowor remembered how you ended up at the graveyard. Your sight was blurry and you weren’t sure where to go. Somehow your feet knew too well and you ended up in front of a gravestone that looked so pretty. It was full of flowers and even though it was dark, you could see them shining, reflecting the moon in their moist petals.

Kim Jiwon, 20th February 2016. Rest in Peace. 
Let go off my cold hands that can no longer bring you happiness.

Just a dream, this is just a dream, you repeated to yourself as you fell down on the cold ground and brushed over the letters that were carved into it. This was no dream.

I’m proud of you, my love.

The tears didn’t seem to stop; the wounds seemed to open bit by bit as the horizon drenched into a glorious orange. One last time you looked up the sky and yes, there it was the answer to all your questions. You couldn’t pretend anymore, neither you could lie to yourself any longer. Your heart scattered into pieces; actually it was broken all along but just for this short period of time you had believed everything was back to normal– if you just– closed your eyes hard enough and lied to yourself then everything could be okay, right?

It’s okay, I’ll watch over you, i promise.

This time you really felt his warmth, it was not your mind that tricked you, it was really him. Although you couldn’t see him; you could feel him. And that was all you needed right now.

Bobby and nothing else.

Even if it lasted for less than 10 seconds, it was enough to calm you.

That night you looked up the sky, again. Not to search for answers but to accept the truth. There were stars at night, a moon, and a sun at day time. Even if you closed your eyes, they were still there. And it was okay that way because even if Bobby was gone now, somewhere in your heart, he was there. With a smile you finally let go and watched him disappear behind those clouds, hoping he was at a better place now.

“I’m letting go”, you whispered to yourself as you cried one last time.

I’m letting go, Jiwon.