I don't want to hurt you, but I have to tell you now // It's not easy to hide my heart

Things don't have a tendency to last forever. Jooheon knows this, but that doesn't change the sinking guilt in the pit of his stomach, threatening to swallow his insides whole. Someone like Minhyuk deserved more love than Jooheon could possibly give. Someone as compassionate as Minhyuk deserved better than a boy who spent all his time cooped up, working rather than spending time with him. Someone as lively as Minhyuk deserved better than a boy who didn't return his smiles and didn't come home despite the hours he'd stayed up waiting.

Knowing these things doesn't make it easier for Jooheon. Knowledge doesn't bring back the swelling warmth that used to emerge at Minhyuk's smile to replace the lack of passion he feels now, and it doesn't dissolve the conflict brewing like a storm in Jooheon's head. Hurting Minhyuk is the last thing Jooheon wants, the very thought of it brings a painful lump to his throat, but he's out of options.

Jooheon sighs, a feeble attempt to exhale the smothering distress building up within him.

I was so happy looking at you all day, everyday // I was so happy listening to your stories

It wasn't always like this. The mere sight of Minhyuk used to be enough to brighten Jooheon's entire day, pulling his lips into a smile so wide his eyes became crescents and deep dimples carved into his cheeks. Despite the hour, Minhyuk never failed to greet Jooheon after a long day of work with a smile and a kiss. Jooheon was an open book and Minhyuk was an avid reader with a penchant for rewriting the unpleasant parts in the margins, so Jooheon could always count on Minhyuk to be by his side in an instant whenever he felt upset.

The times Jooheon felt most content, most comfortable, were the times he held Minhyuk in his arms. Having Minhyuk with him made Jooheon feel as if he were home, a feeling he hadn't felt since he left his family at a young age to pursue his dreams and work to support them. Minhyuk was the very sun in Jooheon's sky, bright and absolutely irreplaceable. There was a light and warmth to his smile, his voice, and his every action.

Needless to say, Jooheon loved it when Minhyuk told stories, tales of his daily life woven into words so luminous it felt as if he were basking in sunshine. These stories were received by Jooheon with shining eyes filled with nothing but Minhyuk as he launched into his tale, eyes bright, voice expressive, and gestures big.

But things have changed, taking a three hundred and sixty degree turn for the worse.

Now even when you're telling me interesting stories, I'm only nodding

When Minhyuk tried to tell Jooheon about his sister's engagement, a fake smile graced Jooheon's face and he stared back at Minhyuk with eyes as empty as the void. The open book that was once Jooheon had closed and Minhyuk was left illiterate; he failed to even recognize that what stared back at him was merely a shell of the man he loved. The lack of warmth in Jooheon's eyes had gone unnoticed, the effort in forcing his smile undetected.

Despite the promises Jooheon made, the sincerity of his feelings were fading.

I guess our time is up now // I guess we're the same as the others

Jooheon remembers when he promised Minhyuk he'd never leave his side. After the death of Minhyuk's grandmother, mere months after the death of his grandfather, and just weeks after his family had to euthanize the dog he grew up with, tears never seemed to cease flowing from his eyes. Witnessing Minhyuk so upset felt as if a thousand swords had been simultaneously plunged into Jooheon's chest and lungs, leaving his heart unable to properly pump blood through his veins and his lungs refusing to fill up with the air they so desperately needed.

The severity of the situation froze Jooheon, leaving him paralyzed with leaden limbs weighing him down and keeping him in place. In time, Jooheon let his limbs move of their own accord to embrace Minhyuk every time the tears came. His fingers deftly wiped away Minhyuk's tears as he placed soft kisses on his cheeks and forehead, but it never felt like enough. Uselessness ate at Jooheon's thoughts, leaving him raw and tormented. Above all, Jooheon loathed his own inability to be of any help.

One day, in the midst of crying, Minhyuk mumbled something against Jooheon's shoulder.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that." Jooheon said softly, Minhyuk's hair in hopes of comforting the boy.

Minhyuk pulled away from Jooheon and looked him dead in the eye. "Promise you'll never leave me, Jooheonie. I can't handle losing you too." His lower lip trembled as more tears threatened to spill over.

Jooheon wrapped his arms back around Minhyuk, squeezing tight as if he had the intention to hold on forever.

"I won't, I promise." Jooheon said with conviction. "I love you."

These words reverberate in Jooheon's head as he waits for Minhyuk to arrive.

I see you over there, you arrive with a bright smiling face // The quickly rewinding times with you have stopped now

The door swings open and Minhyuk strides in cheerfully. The sight of him, smiling and practically radiating warmth, sends a pang through Jooheon's heart and snaps him out of his memories. Jooheon knows what he must do, but the more he looks at Minhyuk, the less he wants to go through with it. Regardless, it must be done for Minhyuk's sake, because someone like Minhyuk deserves better than Jooheon. Minhyuk is the sun, but Jooheon is the night, and while he may try to chase after the sun they cannot coexist in one sky.

Minhyuk sits down across from Jooheon, smiling so hard Jooheon's surprised the skin on his face hasn't cracked and his cheeks don't hurt. Jooheon takes one more look at Minhyuk, so naive and cheerful, and takes a deep breath. He preps himself, allowing the adrenaline to flow through his veins and using it to push himself to do what he knows he must do.

It's now or never.

Should I be honest? // You know that I feel nothing when I see you // Should I be honest? // Don't be surprised, I'm gonna make you cry

It's for the best, Jooheon thinks.

I know you feel deceived, I'm trying to end it

"I think we should break up." The words leave Jooheon's lips and hit Minhyuk like a freight train.

"What?" Minhyuk inquires, sure that he'd misheard or Jooheon was playing some sort of joke on him.

"I… I just don't feel the same way towards you as I did before."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't love you anymore."

These words must be a mistake, or part of some elaborate prank, Minhyuk thinks. The smile on his face remains as he tries to process what's been said. His thoughts race, thinking back to the five years they spent together and how happy they'd been.

"You're joking, right? This is just part of some prank?"

Sure, they had their arguments like any couple, but they always made up. Minhyuk's thoughts never even touched on breaking up. He loved Jooheon, he needed Jooheon, he had no reason to ever think such a thing. Jooheon's as vital to Minhyuk as the air in his lungs.

"Not this time. I'm sorry."

"Come on, Jooheon. This isn't funny."

"It's not meant to be."

Minhyuk thought Jooheon felt the same way he did, but evidently, he was wrong. Betrayal blooms in his chest, tearing his heart from its place as his mind processes what Jooheon said.

You used to smile brightly, but now I'm gonna make you cry for the last time

Minhyuk's smile dissolves in an instant when the weight of Jooheon's words finally set in.

"I… I…" Minhyuk can't bring himself to finish the sentence. His voice is trembling, shakier than a leaf on the autumn wind. In one swift motion, Minhyuk gets up and sprints out the door before Jooheon can see the fresh tears rolling down his face.

All the while, Jooheon remains glued to his seat, unsure of what to do, staring after Minhyuk stupidly. He doesn't love Minhyuk anymore, but in that moment he wants nothing more than to have Minhyuk back. He knows that's selfish of him though, so Jooheon makes no move to indicate that he regrets his actions in any way. The damage he'd inflicted was bad enough, all Jooheon could do now was try to forget the past five years and rebuild his life without the presence of Minhyuk.

Unfortunately, leaving everything behind and erasing Minhyuk from his mind is much easier said than done.

Everything changes like morning becoming night // When that night passes, another day repeats // That feeling comes to me every day like waking up in the morning // So I'm gonna erase you completely, I'm sorry

By the time Jooheon returned from work that day, Minhyuk had cleared his things from the apartment and vanished. There was no smile or kiss waiting for Jooheon, making his lips feel empty and his heavy eyelids droop lower. The place felt desolate, the walls felt bare, and the apartment felt colder, sending shivers down Jooheon's spine.

When he walked into the bedroom, Jooheon noticed that the picture of him and Minhyuk remained on his beside table. The sight of it pierced through his heart like a bullet, ripping apart what little was left intact. Jooheon grabbed an empty box and put the photograph in it, intending to use it to clear the apartment of the residues of Minhyuk that remained and throw it all out later.

It took Jooheon over a week to remove Minhyuk's lingering presence and well over a month to adjust to the absence of what once took over half the apartment. By the end of it, there was barely anything left in both the place and Jooheon himself. It shouldn't've mattered to Jooheon though, because according to him, he no longer loved Minhyuk. He no longer needed Minhyuk.

He refused to admit that leaving Minhyuk also meant leaving the happiness in his life behind.

I loved you more than anyone else // You were the most beautiful person in the universe

Jooheon remembers the first time he told Minhyuk he loved him.

Those three simple words hadn’t been part of some extravagant, planned confession, but a rather unembellished night in with a broken TV. The night began with a movie marathon gone wrong when the TV in Jooheon’s apartment stopped working. By the time they realized this, the two of them were already cuddled up on the couch, snuggled in blankets with their limbs entangled. In such a comfortable position, neither wanted to get up to check on the TV.

Irritation played on Jooheon's features, but Minhyuk reassured him with a quick peck and a genuine smile. Their stillness evolved into conversation, an effortless and pleasant exchange of words that danced on their tongues. All the while, Jooheon couldn't stop staring at the boy that lay in his arms. Minhyuk was beautiful, perfect to Jooheon in every way. The enthusiasm in his words and sparkle in his eyes captivated Jooheon. Jooheon swore that he could spend an eternity with Minhyuk and never tire of his eyes, his smile, his voice, any of it.

At around three AM, Minhyuk fell asleep on Jooheon's shoulder. Minhyuk's sleeping features had a sense of contentment and tranquility, Jooheon's chest swelled with love at the sight. Brushing Minhyuk's hair aside, Jooheon placed a gentle kiss on Minhyuk's forehead and whispered a soft "I love you." There's a certain gravity to words uttered at three AM, when heavy lids accompany heavy words. Jooheon's confession was no exception.

Rather than muttering "I love you"s at three in the morning, Jooheon now feels overwhelming nothingness taking over his emotions.

What exactly happened to me? // I wanna turn back time

If only there were a way to turn back time. Jooheon would give anything to return to the point when he was hopelessly in love. He'd trade anything to transform the impassivity and regret of the moment to affection for Minhyuk and all the joy that came along with it. But it's gone now, the tenderness, the exuberance, the desire, all of it. It's for both their sakes that he did this, Jooheon thinks. Now he can move on, and Minhyuk's time is no longer wasted on the likes of him.

He doesn't love Minhyuk anymore, but it's getting harder to deny the rush of tears to his eyes at the memories, and it's getting harder to hide his whitening knuckles and the nail marks on his palms.

I'm looking at it again and my frozen heart is melting // You were my spring but I pushed you away

Jooheon used to love Minhyuk with the entirety of his heart. He was certain that when the time was right, he'd ask Minhyuk to marry him. They were so happy together and everything seemed so right when Minhyuk was around.

For Minhyuk, it didn't matter how he felt, he was always there for Jooheon and never wanted the latter to ever be upset. At first, Jooheon didn't realize Minhyuk was masking his own feelings. He thought that the boy had been graced with natural optimism and a disposition so sunny nothing could bring him down. It was part of his charm, part of what Jooheon fell in love with.

Alas, Minhyuk is human, and as such, he feels as wide a range of emotions as anyone else.

A small argument of no importance was what finally snapped Jooheon to his senses and got him to understand Minhyuk's predicament. The argument had been a heated one, full of yelling and insulting remarks thrown at each other out of anger. After the two had both calmed down, Minhyuk apologized to Jooheon.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said." He'd said softly, genuinely apologetic for having started the fight.

"It's alright. We both said some things we didn't mean."

"I… I love you Jooheon, but sometimes I just feel so lonely, you know? You're always at work, and I know you're doing what you love so I'm happy for you, but sometimes I just wish you were around more. I know it's no reason to snap at you like I did, but I hope you can understand."

Minhyuk's words stabbed through Jooheon's heart. Over time, Jooheon began to occasionally catch Minhyuk looking sad and lonely. The gloomy expression on Minhyuk's face would instantly transform into a smile the moment he realized Jooheon had noticed, but Jooheon noticed nonetheless.

Jooheon felt penitent. He knew Minhyuk's loneliness was a direct result of him not spending enough time with the boy, but there was nothing he could do about it. Work was important to him, both because he was chasing after his dreams and because he needed to support his family. As much as Minhyuk denied it and encouraged Jooheon to pursue his passions, Jooheon could see that Minhyuk craved more time and affection than Jooheon had to spare.

That's when Jooheon began to feel unworthy of Minhyuk's presence. Minhyuk tried so hard and endured so much for their relationship, but time and time again Jooheon failed to recognize this and chose his work over Minhyuk. Slowly, the guilt Jooheon felt began to pollute the love in his heart. It took over, making Jooheon subtly push Minhyuk away in hopes that the boy's feelings for him would fade.

It hurt Jooheon to do what he did, how could it not hurt to cut away your reason for happiness? However, slowly but surely, the pain numbed and Jooheon began to feel less and less, until eventually, he felt nothing.

I left you all alone when you were so kind

Minhyuk was shining lights and warmth, but Jooheon unplugged the power, leaving himself shivering in the darkness.

Just when I started regretting, you held my hand and said // I waited for a long time, hurry and come

The first time Jooheon tried to act upon his disintegrating feelings for Minhyuk was through a phone call while Jooheon was away for work.

"Hey."

"Hey, you." Jooheon could practically hear the smile on Minhyuk's face and feel the adoration in his voice. He sighed, this was going to be harder than he wanted it to be, but he knew that this relationship had to end for both of them to move on and be truly happy.

"How's everything back home?" Jooheon couldn't quite do it yet. His nerves were a jumbled mess; he needed to stall for more time.

"It's pretty uneventful here, to be honest. Not much going on without you. Just a few more days until you get back, right?" Minhyuk inquired.

"Just a few more days." Jooheon confirmed. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

"What is it?"

Jooheon paused, his voice caught in his throat. He couldn't do this; he couldn't go through with it. It's not right to do something like this over the phone, he thought to himself, it's cowardly and -ish to not do this in person. Additionally, Minhyuk's enthusiastic tone upon hearing Jooheon's voice made the guilt hinder Jooheon from doing anything that'd cause that exuberance to fade.

"I… I got you a gift while I was here. I wanted to surprise you, but I got excited and couldn't keep it to myself any longer." Jooheon lied.

Minhyuk laughed on the other end of the line. "That's sweet." There was a pause before Minhyuk spoke again. "I miss you."

Pain blossomed in Jooheon's chest at those words. When he saw Minhyuk later that week and was asked about the gift, Jooheon said he must've lost it. At the look of guilt on Jooheon's face, Minhyuk assured Jooheon that it was alright and he didn't mind, oblivious as to what Jooheon truly felt guilty for.

Jooheon wasn't able to even think about breaking up with Minhyuk for a long time afterwards. Perhaps he no longer loved Minhyuk, but he still cared too deeply about the boy to want to see him in pain.

Today, you're the same as yesterday, only I'm different // I think I'm crazy, I was deceived by familiarity and let you go

"I am not in love anymore." Jooheon mutters angrily under his breath, curled up with his head buried in his knees.

"I am not in love anymore." How could he be when he chose his work over Minhyuk?

"I am not in love anymore." Minhyuk's laugh reverberates through Jooheon's mind. Jooheon pulls on his own hair.

"I am not in love anymore." Minhyuk's stories are on repeat like a playlist, Jooheon scrunches his eyes shut.

"I am not in love anymore!" It comes out as a shout this time as all the good memories of the past five years come rushing back to Jooheon.

"!" How could he let go of Minhyuk? How could he possibly think that his love had faded? Familiarity deluded him, making Jooheon take all the little things Minhyuk did for granted and making him forget the love he felt alongside the guilt.

"I'm still in love with Lee Minhyuk."

But Jooheon realizes this too late; Minhyuk is already gone.

I really didn't know I'd have these feelings // Actually, it's just momentary, I just wanted you to melt me

Jooheon should've talked to Minhyuk about his feelings before he did something as rash as breaking up with the love of his life. He should've stopped to consider the possibility that he was wrong and that perhaps it wasn't love that was fleeting, but rather, his lack of caring. He didn't do that, and now Jooheon was left all alone.

There was no meaning, no purpose in his life. He was an idiot, turning off the light and fumbling in the dark. He was a sadist, tearing away the source of joy in his life. He was a shell of flesh and bone, containing absolutely nothing inside.

Jooheon wished there was a way for him to feel again, a way for him to fall asleep without dreaming of the look on Minhyuk's face the instant his heart was broken into infinitely tiny pieces, a way for him to bring the sun back into his life.

Should I be honest? // Without knowing anything, your eyes are filled with me // Should I be honest? // You're smiling like a fool

Minhyuk's eyes had been so bright the moment before his heart shattered. They were as clear as water, reflecting nothing but love and adoration for Jooheon. Minhyuk's grin radiated summertime warmth the moment before he broke. It enveloped Jooheon, covering him like a blanket against all that was cold and harsh in the world. But Jooheon broke Minhyuk, and nothing can push the image of Minhyuk's eyes clouding with betrayal out of Jooheon's mind. Damage like that couldn't be undone. The moment Jooheon uttered the words he did, his relationship with Minhyuk became irreparable.

Jooheon's biggest mistake left his life in shambles, tearing away all his chances at happiness, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

Three years later

Jooheon could do nothing but stare blankly and try his hardest to keep tears in. All his mistakes were now permanently irreversible, carved in the stone that lay in front of him. His knuckles whiten as his grip tightens on the wilting flowers in his hands. Memories of Minhyuk's laughter, his husky voice, his big gestures and expressive eyes, all of them flash before Jooheon. He'd never see any of those things again. Jooheon knows that these memories will fade like an old photograph over time, but he doesn't want them to. He wants to grasp them tighter than the flowers in his hands and never let go.

At one point in his life, Jooheon was certain he wanted to marry Minhyuk. Nothing made him happier than the notion of spending forever with the boy that shone brighter than the sun. Unfortunately, Jooheon's judgement became clouded and he broke up with the love of his life. While what happened between the two may have seemed irreparable before, it was nothing compared to now.

Jooheon could do nothing but stare blankly at Minhyuk's name carved into the tombstone. He hadn't attended the funeral, he wasn't invited. The last time he spoke to Minhyuk was when they broke up, so he figures Minhyuk's friends and family have long since placed him in the back of their mind's library, left to collect dust and cobwebs. Jooheon wonders if they hate him for what he did, for shattering Minhyuk as if he were made of glass. Jooheon wonders if there's any way he could earn forgiveness with Minhyuk gone.

He curses the reckless driver who hit Minhyuk under his breath as he can hold back the tears no longer and they begin to spill down his cheeks.

notes:

ina: omg
ina: omg i'm just
ina: visualizing him crying
ina: like he cried when #gun didn't make it to debut
ina: omg
ina: lord take me now
me: oMG NO
me: why ina
me: don't remind me of those  t e a r s  i cannot deal

idk where the plot went there was supposed to be a plot but then it just turned into these two breaking up for 3,858 words wtf (it used to be longer too i cut like half of it out lmao)

don’t ask me why i did this to these poor children they don’t deserve this

anyway

hi pals this is my very first monsta x fanfic and i’m new to this site so pls give comments bc i’m nowhere near amazing and always looking to improve and give this work a subscription and/or upvote if you liked it so i know whether or not the effort was worth it

i aimed for soul-crushing but this came out kinda cringeworthy instead #whoops #sry

um ye basically i’m sorry for writing this? i guess? srsly tho i sincerely apologize for any secondhand embarrassment inflicted upon the reader, that was not my intention