1994

The jeep smelled of liquor. Of course it was, after the not so funny confession joke from junghwan, they went to another place for the second round and the boys sure were feasting on liquor. Singled out deoksun by herself, telling her not to drink since she had to drive them all back home. Junghwan drank the most, she noticed. Maybe it was because tommorow he should back to his base, he drank liquor like there were holes in his stomach. Deoksun parked junghwan’s jeep nicely at the alleyway.

“ya! Drunkheads! We had arrived!” yelled deoksun at the three boys

“yes maam” muttered dongryong “thank you” he laughed

They got out from the car. Sunwoo had to support dongryong to help him walk and took dongryong to his house, leaving junghwan and deoksun alone. They standing there awkwardly, well she was standing there awkwardly. Junghwan was so drunk to be awkward. Deoksun knew the confession was not a joke. She believed it was true. 

“let’s go back” said deoksun to the redfaced junghwan. He seemed still lost himself. “come on”

“no” muttered the man, and he hiccuped. “i need some fresh air”

Deoksun sighed, then she walked away. She didn’t understand him. Not a little bit. Did he really joking? she wants to believed it was true, she remember all that he said, all he had done. But why did he act like this now, he made her doubt it again. She already stood in front of the gate. She turned back and looked at junghwan.

Junghwan sat at the stairs, the street lamp shone above his head. i must gone crazy. He tought he would feel embarrased to sunwoo and all, but nope. He can’t felt anything, might be the alcohol effect. He felt numb to everything But the pain in his chest sure felt so real. He had gone so much heartache these past years, but this one just top it all. “damn it” he felt like crying. but instead of crying he searched his jacket. He tought he was done with smoking once he got home. A sunbae at the academy made him smoke, he never though he will do it voluntary now. He just want to distract himself from the pain.

Deoksun stare at him who sat at the stairs. The smokes came out from his mouth. She didn’t know he smoke, he probably didn’t smoke before. She stared at him long. The man looked so gloom. She couldn’t stand to see him like this, her heart ached all of the sudden. She walked back.

He inhaled the smokes, he didn’t remember that it tasted this good. The moment he realized it, deoksun already stood in front of him. Facing him with her doed eyes. damn, those lovely eyes... he though.

“since when?” asked her

“a while” answered him shortly. Did ignoring her or hurting her would make it easier to forget her?

“why?” asked her again, she kept staring at him with sad look.

“nothing” said him shortly again.

“araso” she just pouted. Damn she was so lovely

They were just stay silent, staring at each other for awhile. She didn’t know what to said, should she bring up the confession again or not. Should she answer him now. No, it was a joke. He didn’t mean it to be real. She felt like crying, “what time do you go tommorow?”

He stares at her with longing eyes, it is the last time. He would let her go. She love taek now. “early” he had done now, for real. He stopped staring at her eyes “don’t come”

His word sting like a knife, she felt really hurt by that. What do this bastard wants? I though he likes me, but he just shove me away. Again, and again. She looked at him with her wounded stare, to let him know she was hurt by his word. But he didn’t budge. She felt so angry.

“what’s the matter with you!?!” she bursted out her anger and yelled at him.

It’s no good he though seeing her hurt don’t make it easier, it just hurt me more. he smiled, feel defeated.

She froze once again. One second he made her angry, the next second she made her felt strange. “i gave up now” said the man with broken smile.

She felt like her heart dropped from its place. He didn’t explain what is his words means. But she know. She just know. Why he decided it all by himself? He didn’t even bothered to hear my answer She felt betrayed and hurt again. She stormed out, and left him alone at the stairs.

It’s three in the morning and Deoksun couldn’t sleep at all, she just kept staring at the chair’s leg all night long. She don’t know why, but all of the things happen just made her restless.

She kept on rolling on the bed and finnaly wake the sleeping dragon. “ya!!!! Sung deoksun!!!” yelled bora as she wake up and kept kicking her legs violently everywhere. Deoksun quickly stand up to avoid her sister tackle, they’ve done this too much it become a reflex to her. After some time it became quite again, as the dragon fell asleep.

Deoksun staring at the bed, sung bora took all her space with her spreading leg. I can’t sleep anyway she then sat on her desk

She start to looking at the old ornaments laying on her desks, a bunch of cassete type, lee moon sae deoksun eyes stopped at the tape it’s junghwan’s favourite. She lost in her thought again, before she kept her mind straight again.  Not junghwan.

The morning air felt so cold, the sun wasn’t even arrived yet. The kim family gather in front of their house, as they bid farewell to their youngest son.

“omma, not to tight” complain junghwan. He already wearing his full uniform, since he need to start working right after he arrived. Mrs. Kim just can’t hold her feeling and squeeze junghwan tight in her embrace. “omma!”

“araso” mrs. Kim let her son go from her hand “don’t forget to drink the vitamin”

“arasoo” junghwan tidying his necktie, his father just kept pating his back for a while.

“let me know if something bother you. Or if it’s hard...” said mr kim, he still pat junghwan’s back

“i’m okay, appa”

“send some letter okay?” asked jungbong, he almost cry.

“i’ll call, don’t worry”

Mrs. Kim start crying, “omma... i’m just go for some months” he awkwardly rub his mother shoulder as he tried to comfort her.

While junghwan comfort his mother, jungbong and mr. Kim started to cry also. “aigoo... seriously” said junghwan in disbelieve.

Mrs. Kim pull junghwan again for a hug, and mr kim and jungbong joining them. like that the ssangmundong cold morning air, didn’t felt so cold for them as they warp themself in each other embrace.  junghwan could felt the happiness in his chest. It felt so warm yet so sad. He was very glad he got a very loving family, nothing in this world is more precious to him.

“i’ll be late” said junghwan after some minutes and they break the grup hug.

  The moment he turn his back and took a step, a sound of creeking door was heard. Deoksun in her favourite blue pajamas walked out the door. “oh, deoksun-ah!” said jung bong “what are you doing at this hour?”

“the toilet...” deoksun is lying. She didn’t wear her jacket, she even forgot her slipper. “i got an upset stomach” she scratched her head.

Junghwan smiled. “aigoo! Special force” yelled junghwan, he almost though she came to see him off.

Deoksun felt realived to see his smile. Junghwan back to face his family again, and he bowed formaly “i’m going now”

“goodbye, jungpal” said deoksun as cheerfull as she can while waving her hand. 

He just smiled tenderly without saying anything. There’s nothing else holding him now, he decided to set her free. All the feelings he left unfinished, he could leave it all behind now. His precious first love.

Deoksun frooze at his smile. She don’t know why, but she felt really sad, Like she was loosing him. Heck, he just go to work, not going to dissapear forever. but, why she felt like this is the end. A feather fly by the wind and stopped at deoksun feet. “junghwan-ah” called her softly, it almost choked her.