“He’ll never love me.”

 

Slowly, Eunji looked up from her own can of beer. She looked surprised but didn’t say a word. She quietly stared at the tanned boy across from her.

 

He looked tired as if his soul was old. Old, so old and tired. It seemed ancient but he was so young. He was youth and he was beautiful but it was only in his appearance. Inside, it seemed like he was dying. He was like smoke that was moving out under a door in a small room, leaving it empty and vacant.

 

And ever so quietly, he retells the story of his love and his painful rejection over the sounds of faint murmurs that came from the small television Eunji owned. The meaningless drama had been played to mask their silence a while ago. Though, to be honest, it was long forgotten since it was while they drank basking in the silence of the other.

 

Now, Hakyeon’s voice floated through the room, going over each word tenderly. Even in his tone, Eunji can sense his emotions. How he looked like he was clutching his very own heart while he poured out his feelings.

 

Eunji thinks it’s safe to say that she understands wholeheartedly.

---

 

“Huh?” Hakyeon looked baffled almost as he tightened the grip on the strap of his bag.

 

“I’m asking you if you’re gay.” Jung Taekwoon’s question was as clear as day.

 

They were walking together home from school like every other day with Hakyeon babbling away about how boring class was and about the gross lunch that was served during recess, how hilarious it was that Jaehwan drank so much water he almost peed while running to the bathroom and he recalls about the upcoming school festival.

 

It was like any other day.

 

 Then suddenly…Taekwoon just stopped and it came right out of his mouth. His stare was intense as he stood in front of Hakyeon.

 

Jung Taekwoon was beautiful and dark but he was somehow light and Hakyeon can’t bear to look away.

 

“Haha! You look so serious, Taekwoonie!” He gulped. “Why would you ever ask me that?” Hakyeon felt a burn in his chest. His heart was thumping wildly.

 

Yes I am.

 

Taekwoon pulled a face. “It’s just that you’re so clingy all the time. You tell me that you love me like you mean it.”

 

I do.

 

Taekwoon continued, “…and you touch me a lot.”

 

I really like you.

 

 “There are rumours everywhere, Hakyeon! People say that we’re dating and it’s not funny!”

 

I wish we were.

 

“Hakyeon, all these things that you’re doing…it’s disgusting!”

 

It was like taking a bullet straight to the heart.

 

A million things ran through Hakyeon’s mind. His heart just ached and he felt dizzy as well as nauseous. If he were to die right then, he would become an entity filled with regrets. Floating through the world like his whole life was a meaningless blunder.

 

He wants to confess. Say that he loves him, dear god, how much he wants to spend all his days with him by his side.

 

But he can’t. Not after that. Not after such a venomous proclamation by the one he loves.

 

So Hakyeon laughs. He’s laughing as if it was the most absurd thing Taekwoon has ever said.

 

“Geez, so this is why you’re so uptight today?”

 

Taekwoon looks almost confused, his face painted with distress.

 

“Oh, our Taekwoonie! I never pegged you for someone to be so caught up in silly rumours!” he says as he playfully punched Taekwoon’s shoulder.

 

Taekwoon looks flustered, embarrassed even as he shoves Hakyeon only to earn another hearty laugh. “I-It was because even the girls in class are talking about it! It’s so annoying!”

 

“Aish, Taekwoon-ah!” Hakyeon continues to laugh.

 

What am I doing…?

 

“Can’t you tell that I’m always joking? I only do those things because your reactions are the funniest!” Hakyeon grins but deep down he feels like bits and pieces of him are being carried by the wind.

 

Taekwoon huffs. Ah…he looks somewhat relieved…

 

How awful.

 

“Tch, you really should lay off.”

 

“Never~”

 

“Cha Hakyeon!”

 

So they left it like that and such a conversation ended with pointless bickering.

 

By the time they reached the neighbourhood crossroad, Hakyeon’s house was to the left and Taekwoon’s on the right, they start to say their farewells and ‘see you tomorrow’s.

 

Before either of them had turned to walk towards the different direction, Taekwoon spoke up.

 

“If you had said otherwise back then there was no way I could continue being friends with you.” He sounded sincere. It was cold.

 

Hakyeon let out a dry chuckle. “Don’t you worry about that.”

 

And then Taekwoon smiled and Hakyeon thought that it was almost illegal. “Well, see you.” And he went off, leaving the other teenager to his own.

 

Hakyeon longingly watched Taekwoon’s back. If only he could just…tell him.

 

Hakyeon knows that he can’t so the only thing he could do was to let the hot tears wet his cheeks.

 

He stands there as he thinks about the end of a world he once knew, the end of a world that he so vividly dreams…but could never happen.

 

So he turns around and heads home.

 

---

 

Such an event had occurred on the previous day.

 

Eunji had seen through him at school the very next day, how Hakyeon was not himself. He had looked distant, even in his smiles.

 

So Eunji walks up to him and smacks his head and asks him what’s wrong. Hakyeon wasn’t even mad, he looked like he didn’t have the energy to put up a fight.

 

“Hakyeon…” Eunji had looked at him with such eyes that he can’t refuse to turn away.

 

 So he lets her invite him to her home. Her parents were gone for three days, to visit her sick aunt. They already knew Hakyeon and they trusted him. Eunji trusted him.

 

So they went to Eunji’s and waltzed straight to her room. Eunji left Hakyeon who looked like he was brooding and went down to the kitchen. When she got back, she passed a can of beer to Hakyeon who was unfazed by this. They had drank multiple times without the knowledge of Eunji’s parents. But it was only during special occasions. This was one of them.

 

The TV was on and after a few cans later, Hakyeon broke down. And so began his story of his unrequited love that brought them to their current position. When he was done, the room went silent again.

 

Eunji fiddled with her fingers, contemplating on what to say.

 

“I just feel so…so empty, Eunji.” Hakyeon’s voice was hoarse from all the crying, talking and drinking he had done for the past hour.

 

He brought his knees close to his chest and let his head rest on them. He was empty and tired as hell.

 

Eunji knew no words, no nagging, no encouraging and motivational speeches could pull Hakyeon out from his misery.

 

So she embraces him, holds him like he was treasure. Hakyeon doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Eunji’s small frame. They cling to each other like their lives depended on it. They were pressed so close to each other that their bodies almost blended to become one.

 

As if on cue, rain had started to pour down. At first they were light droplets, but it soon turned to a heavy downpour.

 

And Eunji knows, right now, at this moment, she had Hakyeon in her arms. He was seeking the love of the person he cherished the most. A love that he cannot have.

 

She knows.

 

Because Cha Hakyeon can never love her.

 

She isn’t Jung Taekwoon.

 

She isn’t the one he wants.

 

She really is not the one.