Taemin was troubled. He had been thinking a lot recently. These thoughts were annoying him, they kept saying things he didn't want to believe. It was different at first, he'd listen to the thoughts and actually agree with them.

But now these thoughts were starting to scare him. At first they were just small things, little signs that he never noticed. Now that they were starting to pile up on him however, he was afraid. He was afraid because they all pointed to one thing; his uality.

Taemin was gay.

Everything was piecing together like a puzzle in his mind, and the finished picture was rainbow. He was a flaming homoual.

Normally he wouldn't be too bothered about this, but the people who surrounded him weren't really the accepting type. Well, he didn't know that for sure, but they were kinda scary when they were angry, so he didn't want them to beat him up if they didn't accept him. He especially didn't want to disappoint his parents, that was just a nightmare waiting to happen.

For now though, he just wanted to focus on right now, to try and have fun with his friends and enjoy life. But those damn thoughts kept irritating the back of his mind, like a subtle itch that slowly grew bigger and bigger and eventually spiralled out of control.

 

---

 

Driving out late at night with his friends helped to free his mind. He could just watch the scenery flash past him while he listened to the chatter of his friends in the background. Occasionally he would talk with them, but he just enjoyed listening. It made him feel secure, just to hear that people were happy enough to enjoy his silent company.

But he never felt safe. Something was stirring in his mind.

 

'They'll only like you now, once they find out they'll leave.'

'You shouldn't torture yourself like this.'

'Once they leave, you'll only hurt when you remember spending time with them.'

'Just cut it off now, you'll feel better.'

 

Letting it get the better of him, he veered off rather sharply into an oncoming convenient store. He slammed down the brake rather harshly and opened the door.

"Dude, what the heck?"

"Sorry, I just need to get something."

"Here's $20, can you get us some snacks?"

He wordlessly took the bill and crumpled it in his hand, taking deep breaths as he walked in, a little bell chiming as I closed the door. His eyes flitted over the cashier girl, she was leaning on the counter while she was playing on her phone. He walked over to the fridges at the back of the store, looking through the glass and thinking about what drinks he should get.

He caught her reflection in the glass, and studied her. She had a nice, proportionate face, nothing unattractive about her. But when he thought about the possibility of being with her, nothing sparked inside of him. He grew annoyed, he just wanted anything to happen, some sort of attraction, even just a slight blush to tinge his cheeks.

But nothing happened at all.

He felt in his back pocket to find his wallet, but froze when he felt what was in his there instead. There was a hand revolver, and he carefully pulled it out of his pocket. He checked the reflection, and the cashier girl hadn't even lifted her head from her phone. He looked back to the pistol in his hand, and a devilish idea came into mind.

 

'If they're just going to leave you, why don't you just leave them?'

 

He tried to walk over to the cashier as calmly as he could, his heart heavily pounding in his chest with every step he took. He hoped she wouldn't notice the nervous sweat forming on his brow as he pointed the gun at her. He watched as her eyes changed from disinterest to distrust in mere seconds. He could see her lips quiver as she tried to think of what to say.

"Just give me all the money in the register."

Without a second of hesitation, she grabbed a nearby bag and shoved fist-fulls of notes into it. As soon as she handed it to him, he made a run for it. When his friends saw him running towards the car, they opened the door and told him to come in, thinking he was just suffering from an sudden anxiety attack. He threw the bag onto his friends lap and drove off hurriedly before he even had a chance to be questioned.

"Tae, are you ok?"

"Are you having an anxiety attack? You should stop the car and take a minute."

"No."

The car fell into silence as Taemin sped down the highway in the early hours of the morning. In the passenger seat of the car, his friend opened the bag that was on his lap, unable to believe what he saw inside.

"Taemin, these aren't snacks."

"I know."

"Did you steal this?"

He held his silence as he felt everyone else stare holes in the back of his head. He kept driving with his eyes glued on the road in front of him as the sky started to light up for the early morning. Once the car had been silent for a few hours, he snuck a look at his friends in the mirrors and saw that they were all asleep. He pulled the car over and parked it on the side of the street, and once he heard the engine lull to a stop, he slumped back into his chair and sighed.

He felt the cool of morning start to fade and heat up slowly as the sun rose in the sky. He turned around to look at his friends properly. In the back seat, the two of them were leaning on each other. Nothing about it seemed gay, in fact it was rather friendly, and it annoyed Taemin. His eyes flitted over to his friend in the passenger seat. He had his arm propped up on the armrest and was resting his cheek in his palm.

Everything about them was manly and completely heteroual; everything he felt he wasn't. He felt his lips curl in disgust as he became more and more annoyed. He got out of the car as quietly as he could, and walked down the road. He dragged his feet in the dirt and watched as that dirt turned into the grey gravel of a town. It was a quiet town, only those making their way to work making noises in the early morning. He caught his reflection in a store window, and decided to take a moment to look over himself.

He needed to figure out who he really was, and find a way to explain himself to everyone else. In fact, he was rather surprised that none of his friends had noticed anything, or at least questioned him. No gang member would pay as much attention to the details of their clothing as much as he did. Even though he looked good in his current outfit, and wouldn't deny it, he didn't feel good. He hadn't felt good for a while now, and it bothered him.

Getting impatient with himself, he shoved his hands in his pockets and continued to walk around the town. After a while he, remembered his friends in the car by themselves and decided to walk back to them. When he got to the place he thought he'd left the car, there was nothing there. Irritated, he walked back into the town and began to walk around aimlessly.

As the town began to wake up around him, he wandered the streets to find any signs of his friends. He thought he could hear their voices now and then, but whenever he turned around they were never there. Noon passed, and the afternoon began to progress slowly. He grew worried, maybe they'd figured it out and finally left him for good. He just wished they hadn't left him here in a town he didn't know with no money.

He began to walk on the edges of the town, dragging his feet once again. He was so lost, and he was so scared. Just as he was beginning to think of how to get home, he saw his car parked in the outskirts of the town. Relieved, he walked over to it and decided to sit on the hood and wait for his friends to come back. Sitting down and watching the clouds roll lazily across the sky helped him to take his mind off everything. After what was probably forty minutes, his friends quietly walked around the corner and saw him sitting on the hood. Incredibly angry at the sight of the him, they began to shout, scaring him badly. Taemin began to run, he felt his heart grow heavy as it's pounding became louder with each beat.

Turning corners and running through gates he sprinted as fast as his body would allow. They continued to shout at him, annoyed that he left them in the car on the side of the road after what he had done. After running through a street on the edge of the town, a few policemen began to chase them all, turning it into a massive hunt for Taemin. Running as fast as he could, he made a sharp turn for a narrow gate that led to what seemed to be some abandoned basketball courts. He made a mad dash, hoping that he would lose them all. He heard the screams of his friends grow distant as the police arrested them, and he stopped around the corner of a building and slid down the wall. He ran his fingers through his hands in frustration, he felt horrible.

He thought the cops were only after him, but they arrested his friends instead, and it was entirely his fault. After he heard the struggling and protests from his friends, the final slam of the doors and sirens fading as they drove away, he slowly stood up and hugged himself. He didn't enjoy blaming himself for everything that had happened, but he knew he had to. He slowly stumbled over to where he heard his friends getting cuffed and stared at the floor in pain. Tears began to line his eyes slowly as he regretted every single thing he did in the past 24 hours.

As the sun began to set, his eyes flitted over to see something glistening in the setting sun. He knelt down to inspect it, and saw his car keys on the floor. They must've fallen out of a pocket when they were struggling against the police, and although he was angry that he was, he was so glad they dropped it. He clutched onto the keys tightly as he ran towards the outskirts of the town to find his car again. The sun had set by the time he got to the car, and he ripped the door open as fast as he could. Once he sat he quickly started the engine and shut the door with a loud slam. He drove off as fast as he could, soon back onto a dirt path that he didn't recognise in the dead of night. He was driving way too fast, and found it hard to see where he was going as his tears grew too big to be swallowed.

Everything seemed to become quiet, his senses numbed from his hurting heart. His vision was blurred with tears, the loud roar of the engine now a soft purr barely audible. His tight grip on the wheel seemed slack as he could taste the salt of his tears. He had seemingly slipped into a calm state, unable to properly comprehend anything. Nothing seemed real to him anymore, nothing seemed worth it.

He didn't feel worth it.

Before he knew it, his car came to an abrupt halt causing his consciousness to slip away in an instant. In that one second he could see his life flash before his eyes, and he hated seeing every second of it. Everything about himself annoyed him, everything just felt so wrong, so out of place. What he wanted most was a redo, to go back to the start and begin fresh. It would've been a chance to just fix everything, but deep down he knew he wasn't even worth the blessing of a second chance.

 

---

 

Wake up.

You need to get up.

There's more for you.

You didn't think you could get away that easily did you?

 

Of course he had to wake up back in the car. The car that had crashed into a tree and had the engine ed beyond repair. There was smoke from the overheating engine spilling out from the creased hood, the horrible smell of the gasses burning his nostrils. Stumbling out of the door and taking a gasp of fresh air, he was really able to notice how badly positioned his unconscious body was.

Attempting to loosen his stiff muscles, he looked over at the mess that was his car. He could already begin to see some sort of oil dripping out into a puddle under the slightly elevated car. He walked a little closer to inspect the damage, but he did not expect to see what he did.

In the back seat there was a girl. Unconscious, she laid there with her arms tied and covered with tape. A wave of horror washed over him as he felt guilt eat up at him rapidly. Slowly, he walked over to get a closer look at her, the second he recognised the figure he immediately regretted doing so. It was the cashier girl from the petrol station, she was in the back seat of his car.

Panic began to consume him, making him feel rather dizzy and light headed. The fumes from the car didn't help much either, making it only seconds until he was out again.

 

---

 

You should do it

There's nothing wrong with this

Maybe it'll help you get better

 

Walking into the station he tried to look natural. He didn't want to give it away, at least not yet. Walking over to the snacks, he looked at the reflection in the doors of the fridge. She was busy tapping away on her phone, perfect for him. He looked over the drinks in the fridge for a moment more so that she didn't get suspicious, pulling the gun out from underneath his jacket. Walking with a stride filled with dominance, he aimed the gun at her head.

He watched as her eyes looked up, the second she saw the barrel he could see her try to keep calm. He couldn't help but smirk as she put down her phone and lifted her hands sheepishly. He pointed the gun towards the register and she began to shove fists of money into a bag. After she threw the bag over the counter, he bent over and picked it up. On his way down he heard her make a run for the phone, already dialling the police. She only had time to say what station she was at before he wrapped his hand around , dragging her out to his car. He locked her in the boot of the car and immediately drove off. He could hear her screaming for help, but soon her screams faded until nothing but the engine was heard.

He had thought this out, he put some gasses in the boot. She'd be fast asleep, or unconscious at the least. After a while of driving, he could see the gates of his house in the distance. Driving up to his house, he skilfully manoeuvred his car to drive around the back of his estate for easier access. Once parked, he opened the boot to see her lying there unconscious.

 

Why have you done this?

You'd better be prepared.

This won't help at all...

 

Closing the door behind him, he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Carrying her limp body proved to be harder than expected. After laying her down in the room behind him, he quickly undressed her and put new clothes on her. Unsure of what looked truly beautiful on a girl, he had just chosen some generic in-style clothing for her to wear. After dressing her, he bound her arms behind her back and put duct-tape over . Quickly gathering her uniform he walked out and closed the door behind him.

Walking into the living room, he tossed the uniform into the open fire place, watching the flames it up instantly. He sat on the arm chair and watched the uniform disintegrate as the flames ate away at the fabric. His mind usually spiralling out of control with so many thoughts screaming out at him, just asking for his attention, he found his mind unusually quiet as he watched the flames dance on top of the cloth.

 

You've done it now.

 

---

 

Walking briskly in the cold of the particularly rainy day, he found himself looking at the reflection of the sky in the shallow puddles on the floor. Soon he forgot why he was walking, getting lost in his thoughts while he kept his head trained on the ground. The rain had stopped for a while now, but a light spit began to fall from the sky, barely creating ripples in the puddles below.

As he sped up a little faster to get out of the rain, Taemin noticed something on the ground. A single rose, painted blue lay on the cold ground. Bending over to pick it up, he expected it to be a plastic toy. Surprised to feel the soft petals between his fingertips, he lifted it to his nose to smell it. The aroma was rather strong, he didn't like the smell much, so he carelessly tossed back to the ground.

 

So heartless, throwing the rose like that...

 

---

 

Standing outside the door, he took a breath to calm his nerves. In his hand, he held a single rose. He intended to give it to his guest; an intended peace offering. He lifted his free had, cautiously knocking to let her know he was coming in. He opened the door slowly and saw her on the floor, still tied up exactly as he left her. She rolled over to face him, her eyes laced with a fiery hatred.

Although he wouldn't admit it, he was a little intimidated by her fierce gaze. If it weren't for the tape over , she definitely would've spat on him and cursed up a storm. Even though she hadn't said anything, he could hear every word she wanted to say. Carefully, he placed the rose next to her head. She wrinkled up her nose and turned away immediately, the aroma of that single rose so close to her face too much for her to bear. Disappointed, he knelt down to look at the rose. He could've sworn that he had chosen a red rose, but what he saw was clearly a blue rose on the floor.

Without a second of hesitation, she kicked him in the face. Her heeled shoes left quiet a pain in his cheek, and before she could do anything more he jumped on top of her, pinning her down.

For a moment he lost control, breathing heavily while he looked her in the eye, holding her lower body still between his legs and pressing down on her shoulders.  Everything seemed to lose focus, the colours on her face seemed to blend together in a watery haze, the sound of their heavy breathing gradually becoming mute, the coldness of her skin melting into the heat of his hands.

 

I know you can smell it,

You can't ignore it Taemin.

 

In the numbing of his senses, there was one smell burning his nostrils. He looked over to where the smell was, and he never thought he'd be able to say he hated it, but he did.

He hated that rose.

He looked back at her, staring straight into her eyes. He could see her fear leaking through her tough eyes as she tried to hold strong. Didn't people say that a woman with fiery eyes and a tough image were beautiful? The only time she didn't fight him was when she was unconscious. Even now, as he had her pinned underneath him she didn't let her guard down.

He looked over her face, trying desperately to find the attraction he craved. She still was a beautiful woman, he definitely admired the fierceness in her spirit, but he had absolutely no interest in her.

In one quick move he stood over her, looking over her one last time as his shadow casted over her, then his heel and left the room. Closing the door behind him, he ran through his house and out into his courtyard before he fell to his knees in the garden. As he tried to hold back unwanted tears, he noticed a smell.

Roses.

He looked around him in the garden, all around there were beautifully coloured roses. White, red, yellow, he could smell them all. But they didn't smell sweet like roses, they smelled strange. Taking no note of them, he stood up and dusted his knees before walking back inside for the evening.

 

---

 

It's not too late you know...

We're willing to forgive you.

You  just need to accept us.

 

Looking out onto the horizon, his hair blew in the cold city air. He had waited at this bridge for at least twenty minutes now, there was no sign of the other. He could feel the weight in his pockets, and an even heavier weight on his shoulders. He needed to get that briefcase.

The sun started to set behind the heavy clouds, leaving the city to prepare for a grey skied evening. In the distance he heard footsteps, and couldn't help but get excited when he saw a man with a briefcase walk closer. Trying to compose himself, he reminded himself of how serious this was. Once the man got closer, they exchanged their secret codes to ensure they both had the right guy.

After wordlessly exchanging wads of money for the briefcase, the two parted ways. Taemin headed straight for his car, and once safely inside he opened the briefcase. As he unlocked the clips on either side, he took a breath, ready to see what was inside. They said that whatever was inside would make his uncertain future clear again, and that was really what he needed at that moment.

Slowly lifting the lid, his nostrils were invaded with a familiar scent. Once he was that particular blue, he flipped the lid open in horror as he watched multiple blue roses spill out onto his lap. His body began to shake, he couldn't explain it, but he was afraid.

The blue was too bright, the smell was too strong, everything was overwhelming him to the point where he began to panic. Gasping for air, he fumbled for the handle, only just able to open it and run out. He ran as fast as he could, but it wasn't fast enough to get away from that smell. It hovered over him, no matter how many corners he turned, or how fast he was running, it still followed him.

His breathing became shallow as his legs began to cramp, his head beginning to feel too heavy for his body. He tripped and fell over, almost instantly passing out on the side of the road.

He just wanted to get away.

 

Silly boy

He never could outrun us

It wouldn't have gotten this bad if you had just accepted it

Now look what you've done.

 

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw a figure walk towards the snacks towards the back. Taking no notice, he continued to tap away at his phone. After a few minutes, the man came to the counter, and he looked up as he heard a click.

All he could see was the barrel of a gun aiming at his head when he looked up. The man nodded towards the register, and immediately Taemin began to shove fistfuls of money into a bag. Looking up at the man behind the gun, he froze before he could throw the bag over the counter.

That man looked exactly like him.

As the doppelganger roughly took the bag from his grip, he found himself unable to even speak. He just watched as he slung the bag of money over his shoulder and left. Stumbling back, he blindly felt around for the phone and began to dial the police.

He had only just began to explain what had happened when that man came back in with some ropes. He stopped talking mid sentence, hearing the lady on the other side asking about the situation. Dropping the phone on the floor, he couldn't help but cry silently as the man slapped some duct tape over his mouth before bounding him and throwing him in the back seat. Before he could even begin to understand what was going on he saw the doppelganger get into the front seat and slam the acceleration.

He had never been in a car this fast, or kidnapped for that matter. He wriggled around until he could sit up in the back seat, and it was when he could see the other's eyes that he really began to shake with fear. Like his, the drivers eyes were wet with tears and surrounded in confusion. This guy had no idea what he was doing, and the hostage in the back had no idea how to get out of this.

Taemin's eyes widened as he saw the car slowly veer off the road and straight for a tree. Unable to speak, he just braced himself for impact as the car crashed straight into tree. Ears ringing loudly as his vision was clouded with white specks, he just leant his head on the chair in front of him. He felt his bad headache get worse as he faintly heard the other stumble out and gasp for air. Slowly his consciousness slipped away as his body slipped and fell onto the back seat.

 

Waking up was horrifying. He was in a completely new outfit and there was someone knocking at the door. It opened slowly, and his doppelganger walked in. He placed a blue rose next to his head, immediately an intense smell invading his senses. Before he knew it, the other was on top of him, pinning him down. Everything was just so hard to understand, but he kept his gaze strong.

After a while, the man walked away and left Taemin alone with the rose. It was hurting his head too much, and with his only intake of oxygen coming from his nose he began to feel lightheaded.

 

The days must've faded to weeks. Alone and starving in that room with the rose, he felt his life slowly leave him. Every night when he saw the sun setting through the glow of the curtains, he couldn't help but cry.

He couldn't keep the faces of his friends and family out of his mind, so disturbed by the fact that they'd probably be worried sick looking for him. Every day he grew more and more annoyed by the fact that the police hadn't found him yet, all he wanted was for someone to bust in and save him.

 

Eventually he watched his last sunset, unable to even cry because he was so starved. That sunset was the last he'd see in that room, the last time he'd close his eyes, the last time he'd be able to sigh. Slowly his last breath escaped him, the smell of the rose the last thing in his memory.

 

 

 

It wouldn't have been hard if you had just listened.

Now look what you've done.