- Seungri, make me some oatmeal.

Ji-yong shouts. He holds his breath until his lungs start screaming. It’s the heart that wants to die, not us, Ji-yong can hear they complain with the brain, but he ignores it like he always does every time he smokes. He tortures them, or himself, for a few more seconds. The room is so quiet but still, he can’t hear Seungri. I shut down own the noise, but still, I can’t hear you. Dude, I’ve got to stop you, the brain says, and Ji-yong is so out of breath he can’t even speak.

So, it’s just a typical late Seoul night, and Ji-yong is his typical self, does his typical job, which is writing sad love song for the one that he will never kiss. It’s not like he doesn’t want to kiss that person, you know he wants it badly, but it’s because if he puts his lips on Seungr’s, he will definitely go insane. Seungri smells like Ji-yong’s favorite cigarette, and it’s not a good thing. You are going to kill yourself, everyone who involves in Ji-yong’s love mess probably said it at least once. Ji-yong nods, then he closes his eyes and drifts to his dreamland, somewhere far, far away from The City Never Sleeps, from his desperate desire, from his life, from everything. Ironically, it often takes him to some places worst, a cheap motel room perhaps. Seungri is laying on the bed, tired, doesn’t say a word. He looks at Ji-yong, and then he laughs. You will never know how much Ji-yong loves this sound. You will never know that Ji-yong would die for it. No, he doesn’t talk about things like that, like what’s worth to fighting for if you’re the man who sits on top of the world.

Ji-yong thinks about the reason that makes he try so hard every day to maintain the crown on his head. Is he craving fame? Money? Women? Power? No, he wants none of these. He works hard for his dream, to make it comes true, to motivate young kids, to encourage teen boys who spend 12 hours a day writing rap songs but never perform at school’s annual talent shows. Hmm, there’s one more, Ji-yong slowly rubs his chest. You see, he’s madly in love with a kid who always run from here to there and looks like he’s on his way to somewhere. Ji-yong could hold him tight in his arms, leaves hickeys on his skins, tells him how much Ji-yong dreams about him, and the right next second Ji-yong let him go, he will be on a plane to place that Ji-yong can’t follow. That’s why I have to be on top, because on top means standing above everything, and just like that I can spot Seungri no matter where he is in this chaotic world.

Ji-yong is sick. He is sick of love. He is so tired. It comes and go, like rain, and Ji-yong hates rain so much. Seungri sung Rainy Blue in one of his fan meetings when he was in Japan. Ji-yong just couldn’t find rain romantic or beautiful anymore since then. Whatever makes his baby sad, he will hate it with all he has. Ji-yong even wants to make rain disappear, and he will do it at all cost if he could. But somehow, the thing that makes Seungri sad the most is out of Ji-yong’s control. He is powerless. He can’t do anything about it. He can’t throw it to a black hole and erases its existence from the Planet Earth. Unless he kills himself.

It’s 3:00 AM. Ji-yong heard that people often die between 3-4:00 AM, because human body is weakest during this period. I should sleep, Ji-yong thinks while walking towards his bed. He puts the blanket over his head, tries to turn his mind off. Sometimes Ji-yong drinks until he’s drunk, so he can pass out and get some sleep. Alcohol is his last option, just in case he’s at the bottom of his despair. Alcohol helps him rest, but it also brings what he’s scared the most to the surface. When Ji-yong’s sober, he can sink it down and pretend like he doesn’t know it exits. When he’s drunk, it’s another story. The deepest wound will break and blood will bleed, so does Seungri. Every single drops will flow out of Ji-yong’s eyes and get into his mouth; the salty and bitter water that tastes like Dead Sea, like Seungri, like rain falls on Pacific ocean on a soundless winter night.

Where can I go tonight? Where can I go to find you again? To see you again and call your name? I have a song for you, it’s a lullaby. Baby, let’s sleep for a while.

- Seungri, come back to me.

Ji-yong cries the countless times. He stops counting since when he can’t remember. Seungri’s face is fading away, and Ji-yong reaches out his hand to catch it. But like a smoke, it lingers around his cold fingers before vanishes in the air.

Rainy Blue, why do you keep haunting me?

A new day’s coming. Ji-yong can see the sun is rising up. Sun’s rays burn his eyes, lighten up the reality that Ji-yong’s trying to escape. Ji-yong has decided that he will going to buy new curtain today and hang them on the window. On Sunday mornings, Ji-yong would stay in bed, enjoy the feeling of Seungri’s skins on his skins, and dive into Seungri’s collarbones until noon. Ji-yong would put his cell phone on silent, refuse any kind of connection with the world outside, and keep dreaming with his eyes open. On Sunday mornings, all Ji-yong could see is Seungri’s beautiful brown eyes. There are many things he could see in it. A house near the sea on Jeju islands, with a garden full of hydrangea; two little kids (a boy and a girl, how classic Ji-yong is) are running around, the boy is waving his tiny hand to get Ji-yong’s attention. Ji-yong will slowly approaches them from behind, then pulls them in a surprise embrace, kiss them all over and tell them he loves them more than any music awards he ever received in his entire career. Is that true, they ask, it is, Ji-yong replies. Then there Seungri is, the love of his life, is standing with his back turns to the sun, blocking the light and covers Ji-yong in his shadow, which feels so safe like an umbrage. Seungri leans down to give Ji-yong a kiss on his forehead before hands him a glass of iced lemonade. After that, time freezes. There’s no time when you’re so happy you could die. There’s no time when you’re in love and love loves you back.

There’s also no time when the one you love suddenly disappears from this world.

Seungri left after Ji-yong’s marriage was announced on first page of every newspapers. Seungri left after Ji-yong sent him a text message that said: “I love you in the dark”.

Seungri left after his phone got 24^th missed calls. Seungri left without any answer.  

Seungri called Ji-yong before he left. He said: “I love you, but it’s too dark I can’t find you”.

In Ji-yong’s closet, he used to hold a candle. First, it smelled nice, but then it was getting hotter and hotter. In the end, Ji-yong gave up and dropped it. Love burned him alive, and that was the end of any love story. 

-x-