a/n - daaaamn daniel

I can't believe I'm bringing this story back after nearly four years but it feels wrong to keep this chapter around and not publish it. I wrote it about 3-4 years ago and made some tweaks here and there since then. 

I intend to finish this story by June (I have the rest of it all planned out). I just want to finish at least one story before I get to publishing some other stuff I've been working on. 

Enjoy ovo <3

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Room 215.

Here it was: the room I would be staying in for the next nine months. I let my super-sized suitcase and my other belongings drop to the floor and enjoyed the lovely sensation of weightlessness in my shoulders. I rummaged awkwardly through my pockets and pulled out my room key. I quietly slipped it into the rusty lock and sighed for the umpteenth time that day.

I didn't understand why I was so nervous. Maybe it was just the usual college freshman chills. Or maybe it was because I was here by myself. I'd told my parents beforehand that I wanted to go on my own, "practice my independence" and all, and they'd been great sports about it. So we said our goodbyes that morning before I drove up to the university, and now I was here, standing in front of this door, nervous as hell.

I quickly shut my eyes and turned the key, the lock clicking within, and proceeded through the dorm. I let my eyelids slowly rise. A pretty regular room entered my sight. It really wasn't much to behold, but I didn't let it get to me. Two beds on either sides of the room complete with adjacent desks and dressers for each of us made up the entirety of the dorm room. There was also a teensy space in the middle for a TV and a mini-fridge and such, the "living room" I suppose, but a space the size of a toilet couldn't exactly be called a living room, so I settled with "teensy space". I picked up my things and meandered toward the blue mattress on the left side of the room. My roommate had already unpacked, it seemed. I paid little attention to his things, though. I threw my luggage onto the mattress, spun on my heels so my back was facing my mattress, and allowed myself to fall back onto the springy bed.

I listened to the rise and fall of my breathing as I stared at the ceiling and its white, intricately-shaped patterns. And, as it often happened during quiet moments such as this, Minhwan entered my mind. Is he starting college now too, I wondered? What university is he at? Has he grown taller? Maybe even taller than me? Of course, I highly doubted that. Is he still the same small, frail boy I knew five years ago? How's he doing? Is he alright? All these stupid questions bombarded me that only made my chest tighten more. But I couldn't help thinking about him. Five years was a long time to go without seeing someone, especially my best friend.

Best friend. Could I even call him that anymore?

The summer after I moved, my parents and I revisited our old town. I was shocked to find out that Minhwan and his family had moved away as well. But after thinking about it, it made some sense. His and my parents had only ever been acquaintances. It had only been Minhwan and I, and we hadn't seen each other for a year anyway, so when they moved without even a simple email to us, it made me realize just how far apart we had grown. I was grief-stricken for awhile, and I started beating myself up about it. I convinced myself that Minhwan had moved because of me and what I'd done to him. The fantasy that plagued my mind was one of Minhwan in utter despair, agony, and depression over our parting. Minhwan had been driven to attempt suicide. The family had to move in order to help their son. I think the imagination of a depressed Minhwan nearly drove me to my own depression.

The next four years of my life went by like a blur. I got by in school. I practiced for hours on my guitar and actually got to the point where I sounded semi-decent. I definitely "fooled around" a lot, and unsurprisingly, a lot of them were with guys. I dated girls, but kissing girls never gave me the same spark that kissing guys did. Now when I think about it, I realize that I was searching. Trying to recapture the same level of passion I felt on that day Minhwan kissed me. Not once had I ever gotten close. Not even a bit. 

Whenever I was hooking up with anyone, my mind would always venture back to Minhwan, and all the could've-beens and what-ifs. What if I hadn't been such a coward? What if we'd had something? What if it was Minhwan, not this random loser I'm making out with right now?

I tried to picture briefly what Minhwan would look like today. I closed my eyes and scrunched my eyebrows in concentration. The image of the young, shaggy-haired boy in my mind soon began to muffle together with the face of some popstar I'd seen on TV the other day and I gave up. I heaved myself up from the mattress, unpacked my speakers, hooked up my iPhone, and blasted some rock music as I prepared for a long hour of unpacking.

Half an hour in and I was beginning to break a sweat, which was the dumbest thing because all I was doing was placing trinkets around the room, picking them up and putting them in different places, and making my bed. Without realizing it, I lowered myself into my unknown roommate's bed and exhaled slowly. White Stripes blared throughout the dorm room. I grabbed the bottom hem of my T-shirt and wiped the small beads of sweat that had formed on my brow and glanced to my right. My roommate's things were set in neat array on the desk and on the nightstand. A lightning-quick thought from my subconscious rushed through my mind that said, "hey, you should respect their property". But what was the point in that? He was going to be my roommate. We were eventually going to get to know each other extremely well whether we wanted to or not. Curiosity got the best of me once again and I walked toward his desk.

The first thing I noticed was a guitar case and a wooden box drum hanging out on the floor. I smirked. A musician. We would definitely get along well. I then took note of the dumbbells sitting on the ground next to the instruments. I tried picking one up, and as presumed, they were pretty heavy. Definitely not something I was into -- code for, "I'm a weakling." I set it down with a thud and continued to the desk. Assorted volumes of various music and gaming magazines lay in a clean pile on the desk surface. With a closer look, I noticed the picture frames. Great, maybe I would finally get to see what this guy looks like.

I picked up a frame. Two teenage boys stood with arms wrapped around one another, ecstatic smiles brightening up their entire faces. One of these guys had to be my roommate. One if them kind of looked like a teddy bear. He had longish dark hair, a round face, a wide nose, and half-moon-shaped eyes. He looked like the kind of guy who would lift weights. He was probably my roommate. I then averted my attention to the other one. The second guy I had to squint my eyes a bit to see since his face was a bit blurry. The more I stared, the clearer the photo became, and as it cleared, my mind went blank.

Slowly, I began to recognize the boy in the photo. It was a face I hadn't seen for years. Small, sharp, happy eyes met my gaze, and I was rendered speechless. My hands began to tremble.

It couldn't be.

The dorm room doorknob suddenly began to twist. I went cold. My heartbeat raced.

No. This was definitely not happening.

Just as I was expecting the worst, in strode the teddy bear boy.

I guess it wasn't happening. My heart rate was definitely not showing signs of slowing down, though. 

The bear boy offered a friendly smile upon seeing me, and I quickly offered my own in response. I finally noticed the picture frame in my hand and nearly tossed it back onto the dresser like it was a hot piece of coal. My forehead grew unbearably sweaty, and I swallowed awkwardly. So much for a first impression.

"Hi," my new roommate said, who apparently hadn't noticed me snooping around his belongings. I retreated and stood next to my bed as he walked quickly to the nightstand. He retrieved a brown wallet from the drawer and stuck it into his pocket. I watched warily. "Didn't expect to see anyone here yet."

"Ah, yeah, I decided to move in early," I said, trying to sound as calm and nonchalant as I could. I stuffed my hands into my pockets to prevent myself from playing around nervously with my fingers and exhaled silently. "So I guess we'll be roommates, huh?"

He gasped at the sight of my guitar as if my question had completely blown over his head. "Hey! You're a musician, too?" he asked, eyes wide.

I shrugged, loosening up a little bit. "Looks like we've got something in common."

"Hell yeah we do. I'm Wonbin," the bear boy said happily. He his hand toward me, and I grabbed it and shook. "Where're you from?"

"Just around here. You?"

"San Francisco, actually. Well, not technically San Francisco, but no one ever knows the name of the city I'm from so..."

I couldn't bother to tune in to what he was saying with the memory of the photo of Minhwan still hot in my mind. My heart rate was still elevated, my whole body on edge. This guy had some sort of relationship with Minhwan, and I didn't know the nature of it, but he did. My mind was spinning with scenarios. Are they friends? Cousins? What if they're dating? That option seemed highly unlikely, but I couldn't completely delete it. Did bear boy know about Minhwan, that he liked guys? That at least seemed likely. But wouldn't that mean Minhwan probably told him about me? That'd create some drama. My palms were sweating in my pockets. Maybe I can lie about my name. Wait, that's stupid, he'd find out sooner or later. Maybe I should change roommates. Maybe I should just drop out of college, leave the country. But I'd really like to see Minhwan--

"Hello?" Wonbin waved his hand in front of my face and I yelped, whipping my hands out in front of me in impulsive defense. He laughed curiously in response. "Jeez, lost in your head for a moment there?"

I chuckled nervously, heat seeping up my neck. "I do that a lot."

"I can see that. Whatcha thinking about? Girls?" He was in front of his dresser adjusting his shirt and ruffling his hair. "There are so many hot girls here, I swear. I think I'm gonna like it here."

I smirked in response. I got to room with the douchebag. Awesome. In an effort to change the subject, I asked him if he was heading out.

"Yeah, gotta finish registration stuff. Maybe buy my textbooks. Or not, 'cause I'm a lazy ." He laughed to himself like he'd just cracked the greatest joke. "I actually live in the dorm over by the campus store so I can go there wherever I want."

My mouth dropped. "Uh, you don't live here?"

He immediately whipped his head to look at me in surprise. "Oh my god. That's probably really creepy, huh? Random guy walking into your dorm stealing stuff from the nightstand?"

"Well that's fine, whatever. Who lives here then?" I gulped awkwardly. My voice was urgent.

"My friend. His name's Minhwan. I just left my stuff in here when I was helping him unpack, so he gave me his keys."

Minhwan.

My blood went cold. I could feel the color draining from my face. I opened my mouth slightly to reply with something, anything, but all that came out were unintelligible stutters. Minhwan was going to be my roommate. Minhwan. I ceased to form coherent thoughts, and in its wake, I let out a strangled laugh. I then coughed out my throat, realizing how messed up the laugh sounded. I was going insane.

Wonbin gave me a weird look, but blew it off easily. "Anyway, I don't think I ever caught your name."

Clearing my throat again, I forced myself to speak, my brain still swirling. "Um, I'm Seunghyun. Nice to meet you," I said with a slight smile. Wonbin nodded back, but as soon as he stopped, I noticed his shoulders tense.

"Seunghyun..." Wonbin said carefully, a suddenly distant look to his expression. I gulped. The atmosphere suddenly became very fragile, as if I could snap it like a toothpick. "So what's your family name?"

"Uh... Song."

Wonbin froze. His eyes remained transfixed to me and gave off this eerie, glassy appearance. I gulped again, tried to brush it off. "Are you okay?"

As if being snapped from a trance, Wonbin blinked, and he began to his lip in mental scrutiny.

"There's... a lot of people in this country named Song Seunghyun, right?"

Shivers ran down my spine. He knew about me. And by the looks of it, he'd figured out that I was the Song Seunghyun he presumed me to be. I was god awful at hiding my emotions -- how could he not tell?

He swallowed. "There's... There's gotta be..."

A knock on the door snapped the both of us out of our heavy, confusing conversation. I was about to be relieved that the whole escapade was over, but then I realized who it would be at the door.

"Wonbin? Wonbin! Open the door! If you take any money out of my wallet, I'll kill you."

That voice. It was him. A deeper, matured version, but it was his voice. My heart was going a mile a minute. I couldn't do this. I couldn't. How would he react? Would he even recognize me? Wonbin stared at me in a heat of panic, but I could barely notice in my obstruction of conflicting thoughts. "Y-yeah, I'm here. I'm coming."

"Nah, I got it!"

"No, no--"

The lock clicked. "," Wonbin hissed under his breath.

I held my breath.