It's funny how much you can change without realizing it. 

Oh Sehun vaguely remembers his earlier years, when he first started acting. Years full of ambitious goals and pure innocence, unaware of the side effects stardom had. 

Now, sitting outside his balcony, with one hand holding a cigarette and the other a bottle of cheap booze, the numb man wonders where his old self went. Taking a slow drag, he looks down the city and observes the lights and commotion. 

Seoul, South Korea has always been lively.  

He had once been, too.  

Kim Jongin breaks into a huge smile as he accepted his award. Long gone the rookie who was unsure he'll penetrate the tight circle of success. He is now a rising star, who plans on shining brightly for as long as he can. 

"I'd like to thank my parents," he trembles in front of the microphone, clutching the gold trophy, "and everyone who believed in me! Thank you!"  

Jongin remembers his life as a trainee, a young boy with big dreams and a knack for taking risks. 

Those dreams came true, and the risks he took only made him stronger.  

"I'll try harder, and come back better than ever!" Jongin continues, "My fans and friends, I love you!" 

Sehun hisses, clutching his temples. He dashes to the bathroom, flipping up the toilet lid. 

Morning hangovers were the worst. 

Throwing up yesterday's contents, Sehun sighs to himself. How will he explain this to his manager? The tired man pushes himself up and flushes the toilet. Walking to the sink, Sehun eyes himself in the dirty mirror. Bloodshot, sunken eyes, covered by a mop of dull blonde hair. Waxy, colorless skin. A surplus number of blue and purple hickies splayed across his neck, like stars in the Milky Way. 

The makeup artist will sure have a heart attack once she sees. Oh well. Nothing he can do about it now. The actor turns on the faucet, hastily cleaning himself up the best he can. Luhan was a when Sehun misbehaves, but the Chinese man can't argue that his client didn't try to look presentable.  

"...and you have a very special guest star coming today," Luhan continues. He was still upset about Sehun partying the night before a big shoot, but became less so when the traces of last night were covered by makeup and a couple of advil pills.  

"And who would that be?" Sehun drawls, skimming his script. Despite his young age, Sehun's been working in the entertainment industry for nine or ten years now, and the thrill of working with another celebrity has long worn off, like the paint job in an abandoned house. Besides—most of them were less experienced than him anyway. It's never fun to work with a beginner, especially when you're years ahead of them. 

"Kim Jongin, SM's newest singer. It's his first time acting, so you'll be there to guide him whenever you can," Luhan squints at his client distrustingly. "Right?" The manager pokes his chest accusingly.  

"I'll keep up my nice act," Sehun scoffs. He puts the script down, and looks at Luhan in the eyes. "If the little brat gets too friendly though, don't yell at me when I tell him off." The actor abruptly gets up, and heads towards the snack table.  

Luhan frustratedly runs a hand through his hair. Since when did Sehun become so hostile?  

"Hello, my name is Kim Jongin and I'll be working with you guys today," The guest bows. Sehun could practically feel Baekhyun's leeching stares as he checks out Kim Jongin. Not that he could blame him; the man was all dark and handsome, with plush lips and chiseled features. It was no wonder Baekhyun was ogling him. 

"It's a pleasure to be in the presence of such skillful professionals, and I'll do my best to keep up with you all," the tan idol blushes. He scans the cast members with a timid eye, and stops short on Sehun. "O-Oh Sehun!" Jongin gapes. Sehun boredly an eyebrow. "I-I-you're my idol! Can I—can you take a picture with me?"  

"Of course," Kris grumbles under his breath. "It's always Sehun. Never Kris Wu, or Byun Baekhyun, or even the friggin' cordi noonas."  

"Maybe," Sehun smirks, "If you've been around for as long as I have, then the guest stars will call your name." Jongin jerks up, finally registering what the two actors had said. 

"No," The rising singer shakes his head hurriedly. "I-I meant, I like all of you guys too, it's just, Oh Sehun, and--"  

"Kris is kidding," Baekhyun laughs. "Don't mind him. Just jealous that Sehun's more famous." Jongin sighs, relieved, when Baekhyun drops his voice. "Between me and Kris though, I'm the better one, right?" He whispers to the tan male. Sehun rolls his eyes, and grabs Jongin's wrist. He pulls swiftly, the singer now closest to Sehun.  

"You want a picture, right?" Sehun smiles sweetly. "Then let's take it before the director calls us. Kim Jongdae is a very impatient man." 

"You're doing it wrong," Sehun points out indifferently. He leans on his chair, and looks at the rookie actor in the eyes. "This is a comedy; say it with a lighter tone." Jongin flushes, and reads his lines aloud again. "Even lighter," Sehun forces a smile. He hates working with first timers. They were always messing up, and it's always Sehun who has to help them run their lines. "Like this: 'I didn't listen to you because I cared, I listened because I've got these ears attached to my head'," Sehun says with a dramatic flair. 

Jongin does the best he can to mimic Sehun, but to no prevail. "I'm sorry," Jongin mumbles. "I'm no good at this, huh?" 

"It's fine," Sehun sighs. "I've heard worse. Let's go on to another line. It's only your first day."  

"Umm, may I ask how old you are?" Jongin looks at Sehun hopefully. "You're my sunbae, but you look younger." 

"I'm twenty-two," Sehun answers flatly. Then, remembering Luhan's warnings, he adds, "Why do you want to know?" In a more friendlier tone. The kid was annoying, but not enough that it'll be worth ruining Sehun's image for.  

"I'm twenty-three," the older beams. "I can't believe I'm your hyung! Who would've thought, huh?" 

"I'm usually always the youngest," the pale boy deadpans. "Doesn't stop me from being more experienced, though." Jongin laughs, and pats Sehun on the back good-naturedly. The younger looks up, shocked at the action. No one has done that to him in a long time, especially not a stranger. Hell, even his mother was too afraid to touch Sehun.  

Yet, he finds that he doesn't mind Jongin's touchiness. 

It was one of those days again. The days where he would get angry for no reason, and stayed that way for a while. When he was in a bad mood, Sehun would always struggle to keep away from alcohol, and thoughts about suicide. 

His doctor called it temporary depression. One of the symptoms to Cyclothymia. Sehun called it a pain in the . A mental illness that made him feel worse than before.  

During these times, the young star would gulp down anti-depressant pills as if they were candy, and snapped at anyone who got in his way. It was a sad life, but he supposes it could be worse. He could've gone back to cutting again. Gone back to the use of heavy drugs. But he didn't. If his family and coworkers had noticed, they didn't mention it.  

Well, just coworkers. He hasn't seen his family in three years. Sehun imagines they're happy though, so long as the portion of the money he earns keeps coming in their bank accounts. Maybe it's better that way, too. 

The blonde opens his eyes with difficulty, and slowly gets out of bed. He doesn’t see the point, but his career depended on it. Sehun never sees the point anymore, but he supposes he'll regret not going years later. So, he goes to the bathroom and gets ready, albeit much slower than usual. 

Life was funny that way. 

"Sehun, are you okay?" Jongin questions worriedly. It was their second day of filming, and Sehun has been acting different. His actions were more sluggish, the irritable flash in his eyes were much more noticeable, and everyone has been on edge when around Sehun. Jongin doesn’t know if this normally happens, but Sehun was really good at hiding it. 

"I'm fine," the handsome blonde dismisses. Jongin can't help but notice how dead the younger's eyes were. "Let's go over your lines again. You're getting better, but the words have to flow more naturally." 

"You know, if you aren't feeling good, you can always tell me, right?" The tan male tries again. Sehun's lips twitched sourly, like he just a lemon, and Jongin knew right away he said something wrong. 

"If something was wrong, why would I tell a nobody I met a few days ago?" His words were colder than ice, and cuts deeper than a knife. Jongin guesses he deserved it, for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. Then, Sehun's tone softens, and the elder feels even worse than before. "Sorry. I get snappy sometimes. Crazy mood swings and all. I'll be better by the end of today or so." 

Somehow, Jongin doesn't believe it. 

"Yeah," Jongin tip toes around the sensitive topic. "Let's get back to practicing. Thanks for taking your time with me. I know I'm not the best actor." 

Sehun finds it ironic how the character he was supposed to play was such a damn ditz. He also can't believe people bought this ty act. As time progresses, his acting skills were supposed to get better, yet this character was getting harder to play as time goes by. 

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