and it's never the same
rhetorical questions (and how they are answered)Texts from Oh Sehun
SH: Tell me when your plane lands!!!
JI: Okay I've safely arrived
JI: Thanks bro
SH: By the way... some stuff arrived for you at my place. I already sent it to your new place so you'll get it soon
JI: Oh ok? I didn't buy anything recently though?
SH: Oh, it's not that. And uh, because I know you don't have the capacity to put me in a stranglehold right now, I opened one of the letters. It's from Soojung
JI: Wait seriously
SH: Yeah. She seems like a nice girl
JI: .....
SH: I'm not implying anything
SH: Say, did you check if Scotty made it okay in one piece?
Text from Jung Sooyeon
SY: Heartbreak? It is feeling like your world is torn in two. It's the feeling of betrayal, lostness, despair. It's losing someone that you possibly never had. It's hurting not only for yourself but for the other person too. It's a million sorrys and a million goodbyes all at once. It's the fear that everything you had lived before had been a lie.
A day after Jongin moves in, he receives the letters in the mail.
Entry 7
My heart feels torn.
Jinri calls Soojung over for a "girls' night out" but it actually just ends up being the two of them staying at home choking on nail polish fumes. She's gushing about how Taemin is finally back and how they're getting to know each other again. "He's really childish and gullible at times, " she laughs, then recounts a story how he had walked into a glass door on their second "date."
Soojung laughs along, but her mind is elsewhere. When she gets home, she takes out some paper and starts writing. She ends the night with a bunch of crumpled up paper in the recycling bin.
Dear Jongin--
He feels his resolve wavering.
Jongin, everyday I think of all the mistakes I made, the biggest one being letting you go. I was entranced by the bright lights, exploring all the countries I never had a chance to before, engrossing myself in my studies. I don't like to fail - you know that. I worked my off. But I was so immature, Jongin. I know. We had so much ahead of us, a future to have together, so much more to know about each other. I still consider you my best friend, Jongin, I really do.
His hands shake as he reads the flowy handwriting, noting how the handwriting hasn't changed one bit. He has the curvature of each character ingrained in his memory, flashbacks of his earlier days when he would sleep with the letters underneath his pillow in hope that he would see her in his dreams.
I know I've been wrong and that I was the first to push you away. I sincerely apologize for all the hurt I've caused and I know there's no way that I can ever completely repay you. Right now, though, the cards are on the table. My heart, I must admit, wants us to try again, but it's your choice. That's the most I can do for you. Whatever you choose, I will find a way to be okay with it. Today might not be the day, but someday.
"Cards are on the table," Jongin murmurs to himself. There's that aching again, a little muted, but there just the same. Bae Suji. She had been good for him, but she had also been bad for him.
But in the end, he came out stronger. I hope you can do the same, he says to her in his mind.
"Noooooo, you were doing so good," Sehun groans.
Jongin just stares numbly at the screen. The three of them are video-chatting over Skype, and Jongin finally tells them about the contents of the letters.
"Do you want to take her back?" Kyungsoo asks, the chips in his mouth crackling as he devours them.
He has to think about it for a moment, fingers running through his hair in frustration. "I don't know." Then pauses. "No."
Sehun clucks his tongue. "Well, there you have it."
Entry 8
Should I do it?
Jongin meets up with Taemin in person for the first time in what seems like forever. "Dude, you totally look the same," Taemin squints at him, eyeing Jongin up and down. "Just a bit more, relaxed. I like it," Taemin decides, smacking him on the shoulder and bringing him into a bear hug.
Jongin has missed this. Taemin himself also seems brighter. His smiles stretch that extra millimeter; his eyes seem to be sparkling. "How's Jinri?" Jongin asks. "Your heart doing okay?" he smirks, directing the postcard question back at his friend.
"Taking it slow, but I'm thankful," Taemin says, flashing a thumbs-up. "What about you?"
Jongin glances up, narrowing his eyes in thought. "Have you ever been scared to reveal too much about yourself?"
Jung Soojung
2595 Del Mar Blvd #35
Pasadena, CA 91105
Sender: Kim Jongin 7611
Country Heights Rd #2
Pasadena, CA 91105
Soojung,
Thank you for your letter and being so kind to forward all the rest of those letters with me. Not going to lie, I laughed a little at the end. Although personally I don't find the white sandals that horrible, it's nice to know that someone cares enough to remember that I even bought them. To answer your question, I am doing okay. Well, maybe not completely okay, but more okay than I would normally have been considering the circumstances. I actually am not at the previous address anymore. I finished up my internship there and am starting a new job now. In Pasadena, I realize, which is weird because that is literally where I just was. And where you are. Which, um, yeah. Life has its weird ways, doesn't it?
I hope this letter finds you well. I realize that you seem to know more about me than I know about you, so I can't exactly give you personalized encouragement like you did for me. So I also hope that when you are lonely, you will have people around you to lift you up. I hope that when you are happy, you will also have people around you to cheer you up. But if sometimes you find yourself alone, I hope you can find a way to be happy too. I'm learning that right now.
-Jongin
Entry 9
I did it.
Soojung stares at the envelope in her hands, fingers trembling. He lives in Pasadena? Right now? Right here? She chews her lip, not sure what to make of it. That night, she has trouble sleeping, wondering why her heart is beating so fast.
"Are you okay? You've been really distracted today," Jongin's coworker raises an eyebrow in concern during their lunch break.
"Oh," Jongin looks up, giving him a small smile. "Yeah, totally fine."
He goes back to staring at his phone, trying to distract himself with the latest episode in an anime he's following. Old habits die hard.
As Jongin drives home, he decides to take the long way around. He passes by his old place on Del Mar, and gulps. He wonders whether he had made the right decision.
To: jung_sooyeon @gmail.com
From: soojung1024 @gmail.com
Subject: SOS
He wrote me a letter and he's now back living in Pasadena. What should I do?
"Oh. My. Goodness," Jinri gushes, clasping both of Soojung's hands in hers.
"Please don't make it worse, Jinri," Soojung rolls her eyes, but she's biting her lower lip in worry.
"What's so bad about it? Now you know that he's literally across town. You could literally meet him. Who knows, you might even see him at a grocery store and not even know it," she gushes.
Furrowing her eyebrows, Soojung replies, "But it's not my place to do that. I don't even know him."
Jinri sighs. "There's nothing wrong with making new friends, right?"
To: soojung1024 @gmail.com
From: jung_sooyeon @gmail.com
Subject: Some sisterly advice
You know what I say? Just write a letter back. You never know.
Kim Jongin
7611 Country Heights Rd #2
Pasadena, CA 91105
Jongin,
To be honest, I was very surprised that you wrote back. I was even more surprised by your sender's address. Sort of at a loss for words right now, but I'm glad that you sent a letter. I don't know when it became such a habit to look in my mailbox for the next interesting thing to come along. Makes my life more exciting.
Thanks for the encouragement by the way. My sister recently moved to the Bay Area so it's true that it's been sort of lonely. But I think it's good for me in the long run. How is your new job? Did you have a nice time at your internship in San Diego? I may not know all the details about whether you are feeling truly okay or whether you're just saying that for the sake of it, but I suppose I can put some of the puzzle pieces together. Is this why letter writing the old-fashioned way is so bittersweet?
You don't have to answer that by the way. Take it as a rhetorical question if you want to.
-Soojung
Jongin can't seem to wipe the smile off his face the next day at work. "I take it that everything is well again?" the same co-worker muses out loud during their lunch break again. He can only widen his smile in return.
That night, he sits down to write the next letter. It's sort of comforting, putting pen onto paper and seeing the words flow. He looks around at his quite barren apartment, and he doesn't feel so alone anymore.
Jung Soojung
2595 Del Mar Blvd #35
Pasadena, CA 91105
Dear Soojung,
I'm glad I'm not the only one checking my mailbox for the next surprise. It sounds lame when I say it, but I'm quite a lame person, if you haven't noticed. I actually haven't worn the white sandals you have forbidden me to wear, out of fear that one day you'll see me and faint from embarrassment. Just kidding. But actually though, don't faint, heh.
You seem to be pretty close with your sister, then. That must be nice, always having someone you can depend on, your own flesh and blood. I'm an only child, but I have some college friends that I'm still really chill with. I actually stayed with a couple of them down in San Diego when I was doing my internship. The internship, by the way, was pretty cool. Learned a lot of new things and really inspired me to continue pursuing this field. It's technical, but also design-oriented, which I like. My new job continues down that line. It's stressful but worth it. What do you do in your line of work?
I just realized - I suppose this is going to be a thing now, keeping a letter chain going, I mean. I would definitely not mind that, if I can say so myself. There's nothing like snail mail to keep us grounded, am I right? Get it, because snails...travel...on the ground... Yeah, even I don't get my own joke. Lame, I warned you.
But in more seriousness, I suppose you've guessed right. This kind of letter-writing is bittersweet for me because there are some not-so-good things that have come with it in the past. But it's behind me now. Her recent letters had shaken me up a bit, but I had been okay for a while. The last few months have been good for recovering. I've been learning that everything just takes time.
Now here's a "rhetorical" question for you: do you ever wonder if there are such things as coincidences?
-Jongin
Text from Choi Jinri
JR: I'm so curious, what did he say in his letter?
SJ: Excuse you, I'm not about to go invade his privacy
JR: Okay fine. But he said he wants to keep a letter chain going?
SJ: Yeah
JR: That may or may not be the cutest thing I've heard in a long time
SJ: Cuter than Taemin's cavity-inducing lines?
JR: No comment
To: jung_sooyeon @gmail.com
From: soojung1024 @gmail.com
Subject: A joke to cheer you up
In his last letter, Jongin wrote something so bad that it was funny. I mean it in the most good way possible, I promise. "There's nothing like snail mail to keep us grounded, am I right? Get it, because snails...travel...on the ground... Yeah, even I don't get my own joke. Lame, I warned you." He's so lame sometimes that he cracks me up.
Texts from Jung Sooyeon
SY: LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S SMITTEN
SJ: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW
Kim Jongin
7611 Country Heights Rd #2
Pasadena, CA 91105
Dear Jongin,
Don’t worry, I'm quite lame too. Although, I must say that you seem to be on a whole other level, what with your pet rock and everything. You still have him (her?), right? I'm glad that you're taking my fashion advice. Fainting is definitely not a very pleasant thing to have happen.
Yeah, my sister and I have been really close throughout our lives. She just gets me, you know? And she's always a step ahead of me in life. It's quite comforting, actually. She works at a fashion magazine based in San Francisco. Your white sandals would probably scandalize her, haha. Not sure if she clearly remembers them from when we opened your packages (oops, still shudder at the fact that we did that to be honest), but I'm certain that if she saw them now, her reaction would be hilarious.
Architecture sounds difficult! My friends who studied architecture in college were always dying due to late nights at the studio. How do you all do it? I just do consulting. It's also demanding but I like it. I mostly work with non-profit organizations because they can't afford high-end consulting firms, so we do it at a lower price tag. I don't mind it though because I know that they need us. Just turned in a month-long project so I can rest easy for this week or so before things pick up. Thank goodness.
No comment about your joke. Not sure what to make of it, but gold star for trying!
Do I believe in coincidences? I don't think anything happens by coincidence. I think that everything happens for a reason.
A "rhetorical" question right back at you: how is Taemin?
-Soojung
He finds himself googling consulting firms in the area, specifically those that specialize in non-profits. Quite a few results pop up, and then he catches himself, chastising himself for going into full-on stalker mode. What has happened to me, he thinks, blinking tiredly at his computer screen.
Texts from Oh Sehun
SH: Dude, I told you she seemed like a nice girl
JI: I never denied that
SH: You're so cute, Jongin
JI: Ew
Another lunch date with Taemin on a lovely Saturday. "You look like you're glowing," Jongin comments.
"Really?" the older one replies. "I don't know, I'm just in a good mood today."
"Date with Jinri tonight?"
"No, just hanging out at her place. Maybe meeting one or two of her closest friends."
Jongin hums. "Sounds like a blast." A brief pause. "Not sarcastic by the way," he laughs.
Taemin slaps him on the back. "Hey, let's do some dancing today, huh? Haven't done that in a while."
Jongin grins. "It would be my pleasure."
Jung Soojung
2595 Del Mar Blvd #35
Pasadena, CA 91105
Soojung,
Wow, okay, so I have now offended two members of the fashion police, I see. For that, I deeply apologize. Scotty apologizes too (he's the pet rock. He's doing well, by the way). Does that mean you studied econ in college? I shudder just thinking about it. I took one econ class in high school senior year and that was the end of it for me. But you're cool, working for non-profits and really making a difference. Doesn't seem like you really care about money - is this why you refused to cash my check I sent you?
I feel honored for receiving a gold star from you. How many more until I get a prize?
I also believe that nothing happens by coincidence. I realize now, that even going through the heartbreak I did happened for a reason. I needed it to break out of my dependency, out of me determining my worth based on what she thought of me, whether she loved me or not. She was the one who stopped writing first, you know. It hurt, checking my mailbox everyday only to find nothing. It was horrible, but it was necessary.
It's funny that you ask about Taemin now. Before reading your letter, I literally just got back from talking with him. He's doing well. He's got the girl now, and I can't be more happy for him. You probably already know, but we've practically grown up together. Kills me to see him hurting but it makes me want to fly to see him so joyful.
"Rhetorical" question: Then do you think that we - this, letter chain fiasco - is all a coincidence then?
-Jongin
Entry 10
There's something about her that's different, I think.
She feels oddly honored that he had shared a little more about his past with Suji. It is sad to think about. She tells herself that she will never be the first one to stop writing, or that, at least, she would never leave him hanging.
Text from Choi Jinri
SJ: Wait are you sure about this
SJ: This is going to be really weird
JR: Oh, come on, I want you to meet him in person! It's about time!
SJ: Here goes nothing
"Hello? What are you doing calling me at this hour?" Jongin grumbles, flipping over on his pillow as he picks up the phone.
"I just - need to confirm something," Taemin says from the other side, voice so jittery that it wakes Jongin up.
"Hmm?"
"The girl you are writing letters to - her name is Soojung, right?"
Jongin gulps. "Yes."
"...I think I met her tonight. She's Jinri's best friend."
Oh.
Kim Jongin
7611 Country Heights Rd #2
Pasadena, CA 91105
Jongin,
There is no prize, you just get a chance to feel happy, haha. I don't know. I'm lame so I can't think of a prize, actually. Aren't gold stars enough for you? You will never make me cash that check. I have in fact ripped it up and it is probably sitting in a recycling facility right now.
About coincidences, I'm sure you know by now, but yeah, you know Jinri? She's my best friend. What a small world. Sometimes I think I'm living in one of those Korean dramas I always watch in my spare time. Everyone in those dramas is connected in some way. You'd think that I'm going crazy. But really though, I'm happy for Taemin and Jinri. Makes me think that there is some hope in the world. There is still such thing as a happy ending. I'm glad that your heart is healing. I myself have never really been through true heartbreak, I think. It piques my curiosity to hear about other people's stories. Thank you for sharing yours with me.
To answer your loaded question, I suppose that there shouldn't be an exception to our belief that there are no coincidences. So no, this is not a coincidence. Our friendship is not a coincidence either. Sometimes I wonder where this will end up going, whether we'll be stuck writing letters forever. Which leads me to my next "rhetorical" question... I know that snail mail has a dear place in our hearts, but would you mind exchanging numbers? I know it's a big jump, but let me know if you're down.
-Soojung
Entry 11
I'm glad my heart is healing, too. There is something beautiful about her, I realize. I don't even know how she looks like, but that's not what matters. It's her heart. There is something really beautiful about it.
Texts from Oh Sehun
JI: OMG she asked me whether I wanted to exchange numbers
JI: What do I do
SH: Dude is that even a question
SH: DO IT
JI: I mean, are we moving too fast or -
SH: This is the 21st century, man
SH: Jongin, I feel like I know you better than you know yourself
SH: Do it, trust me
It's true, he wouldn't mind exchanging snail mail with her forever, but this might just be something even better. There is something inside of him that tells him that it's okay to take this risk. Heartbreak is not forever, he has learned. So he begins to write.
Jung Soojung
2595 Del Mar Blvd #35
Pasadena, CA 91105
Soojung,
Actually, um, yeah, I wouldn't mind exchanging numbers at all. Really. Uh, I guess I'll go first and you can just text me back or something.
626-440-2123
That's crazy though. I'm glad that our friends are getting their happy endings. You have your Korean dramas, I have my anime, heh. We're sort of the same in that way, right? I think as much as I revel in bittersweet or tragic endings, happy endings are still my favorite. I don't know why I feel like I could share my story with you. Maybe because you've sort of seen it in person. You've seen the letters - you've traveled with me, in a way, through this period of time. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
"Rhetorical" question: have you ever wondered at that possibility of us actually passing each other on the street and not even realizing it?
-Jongin
Texts from Unknown Number
--: Hey Jongin, this is Soojung
--: To answer your question, I have wondered about it. Wondered about it a lot, in fact.
JI: Hi :)
JI: Glad I'm not the only one, lol
"I can't believe I asked him that."
"Asked him what?" Sooyeon asks from the other end.
"I asked him for his number. We are currently texting each other. Excuse me as I hyperventilate," Soojung says, closing her eyes briefly.
Sooyeon laughs. "Have fun, lovebirds. Text me if you get stuck," she teases.
Soojung wrinkles her nose. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
Texts from Jung Soojung
SJ: My turn. Rhetorical question: how long have you been dancing? I used to dance when I was little.
JI: Since forever. Haha. But I started really being serious about it in middle school.
JI: My turn! Rhetorical question: are you a morning or night person?
And so it happens. For the next few weeks, they text each other often, too often, in fact, because she finds herself subconsciously glancing at her phone screen every free second she has. "You know, Soojung, I can see you visibly deflate whenever you realize that the notification from your phone is not from him," Jinri teases.
"You know, Jinri, I wouldn't be the one talking," she shoots back, nodding over at Taemin who is in the kitchen getting drinks.
Entry 12
It's funny. The more I get to know her, the more intrigued I get. She is someone who guards her heart well, I can see. She claims she's never had her heart broken, and I honestly wish that she never will.
To: soojung1024 @gmail.com
From: jung_sooyeon @gmail.com
Subject: Food for thought
Question, have you ever thought of him as something more?
Entry 13
You know, I would never break her heart. I could never.
Texts from Kim Jongin
JI: Rhetorical question - remember when I asked you about whether you ever thought of us randomly bumping into each other?
SJ: Yes. I sense that there's a follow-up rhetorical question here
JI: How did you know? Lol
JI: Rhetorical question #2 - Have you ever thought of us meeting each other - not randomly?
To: jung_sooyeon @gmail.com
From: soojung1024 @gmail.com
Subject: RE: Have I ever thought of him as something more?
I have.
Soojung doesn't reply to his text right away. She doesn't know what the right answer would be. That day, driving home from work, she finds herself typing his address into her phone and drives by curiously. Her heart almost jumps out of her ribcage the whole car ride home.
Hey Soojung, she thinks to herself. I think you owe yourself one. Live a little.
So she unguards her heart.
Texts from Jung Soojung
SJ: Yes, I have. Thought about meeting up, that is.
JI: Me too
SJ: So...
JI: Well...
SJ: Rhetorical question - would you want to do it?
JI: I would love to :)
Soojung finds herself almost collapsed against Jinri's front door. "What happened?" Jinri breathes, ushering her best friend inside.
"What have I gotten myself into," Soojung groans, shamelessly taking a swig of Jinri's orange juice on the table.
"Okay, let's take a step back to explain what is going on." Soojung merely shifts her gaze to Jinri's searching eyes.
"I agreed to meet up with him in person." She says it almost glumly, as if it's the worst mistake of her life. It is beginning to feel like it, for some reason. The anticipation had been building up but now that it's actually happening, well, Soojung feels like she's getting nauseous.
"Wait, that's an awesome thing!" Jinri gushes. "Are you just nervous?"
Soojung wraps her limbs around a couch pillow and curls up in a ball. "It's just that - it's just that we've only communicated via letters and text messages, and I just - I feel like I know him but I don't actually know him, I don't know. What if he's so different? What if..."
"You know what? He's probably feeling the same thing. You two are both in the same boat. It'll be okay," Jinri comforts her.
"Yeah? You think so?"
Jinri smiles. "Positive."
"Hey."
"Sup Jongin," Sehun replies from the other end.
"Sup."
"Don't ask about me - we all know you called because something big happened on your end. I can feel it in the air."
Jongin rolls his eyes at Sehun's over-dramaticness. "Well, it's happening."
"You mean, it is happening?!" Sehun exclaims, almost busting out Jongin's ear over the speakerphone.
"Mmm," Jongin murmurs in response.
"Hey Jongin?" Sehun chuckles.
"Yeah?"
"I can practically hear the smile on your face right now. It's sort of cute."
Entry 14
Well, here goes nothing.
They agreed to meet each other at a coffee shop at a central point from where they live. Soojung throws on a white blouse and denim jeans cuffed at the bottoms and heeled boots to match. She almost trips outside her front door out of nervousness.
Texts from Jung Sooyeon
SY: You got this, sis!
SY: Handsome hottie alert!
SJ: Pls
Jongin may or may not be a certified mess from the moment he wakes up from his rather sleepless sleep, but at this point, he could care less. "Oh crap, I might be late," he groans, grabbing all his stuff. He contemplates wearing the abominable white sandals for a few hot seconds just to troll her but decides against it, wearing his black Converse instead. That would have been funny though, he thinks to himself.
When he arrives at the agreed-upon cafe, he has to take a second to gather his nerves while still sitting in his car. His fingers tremble as he sends her a message, excitement and anticipation running through his veins.
Texts from Jung Soojung
JI: Hey, I'm basically here
JI: What are you wearing so I know who to look for?
SJ: White top and jeans. I'm sitting by the window.
Jongin peers through his car window to look for her. His mouth immediately goes dry. Wow.
Texts from Choi Jinri
SJ: OMG I can't do it. He says he's basically here
JR: CHILL
JR: Everything is going to be okay. Just breathe
SJ: I don't know what I would say to him, what if everything goes wrong
SJ: [unsent] What if
"Hey, I have a rhetorical question."
Soojung glances up from her phone in surprise. A young man stands before her, dressed cleanly in a simple nice t-shirt and jeans and Converse. He indeed looks about her age, and he's scratching the back of his neck, looking down at her.
She smiles. "Yes?"
"Are you Soojung?" She likes it, the way his voice sounds, the way her name rolls off his tongue. Soojung only smiles wider and nods. She pats the seat across from her.
"Take a seat, Jongin. Nice finally meeting you."
Jongin takes a seat, then reaches for something in his bag. "I brought Scotty too. Thought you should meet him," he winks.
And that is how it goes. This is how a package delivery fiasco ends with a meeting over coffee and the growing palpitations of two beating hearts and the closing of the distance between them. This is how they get an answer to all their rhetorical questions, how they believe in happy endings, how two very unlikely people meet in the strangest of circumstances. But, Jongin thinks (and he believes that Soojung would agree too) he wouldn't have it any other way.
("Rhetorical question: do you believe in happy endings?" Jongin asks.
"Didn't we already go over this?" Soojung laughs good-naturedly, eyes sparkling.
"I meant, do you ever imagine that we could have our own happy ending?"
Soojung smiles. He thinks he is already in love with her. "I think we're one step in the right direction.")
=======
Two years later
"Hey Soojung."
"Yeah?"
"I have a rhetorical question. You don't have to answer it." There is a playfulness in his voice, but the look in his eyes is serious.
"Go for it."
He gets down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes."
Entry 302
Soojung? Yeah, she's so worth it.
IN HONOR OF KAISTAL BECOMING CANON, HERE IS THE LAST INSTALLMENT TO THIS FIC!!!! WOOOO
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