Chasing Stars
"People fall in love without reason, without even wanting to.  You can't predict it.  That's love."
- Haruki Murakumi

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“I’m tired.”

“Of what?”

“Life…”

Dark Chocolate met midnight black as Siwon watched the smaller man.  A non-existent tumor seemed to swell up in his chest as he heard the faint whisper.  At this point he wished he had never heard such a thing.  Because it was something the other would never say.  It wasn’t like him to give up so easily.  It wasn’t like him to forlornly display his bruised legs and swollen ankles. Noir smudges and callused fingers.  Mood swings and pained groans.

None of this was like him.

Siwon remembered when he first laid eyes on the other.  So youthful and radiant, full of joy and life.   At times, he felt like he was older than the man.  He was instantly drawn by the child-like personality and kind aura of the man.  He was much more frail back then.  Very thin and carefree.  At times Siwon would question how the elder even stood with such a lithe body. But he had gained muscle and the burden of responsibilities weighed down on his shoulders.  Maybe that’s why the man had begun to exercise, because those frail shoulders could no longer handle the burden. They could no longer handle the cruel reality of his dreams…

“Weren’t you the one who told me to live life to the fullest? That these precious moments don’t come around often and should be cherished? That hardships were something that we had to learn to face?”

“I was also the one who told you aliens exist.”

Yes.  The man had always been eccentric and odd.  At times, he seemed too pure for this world.  So innocent, so naïve.  It was surreal at times how such a person could exist in such a messed up world.  Maybe that’s why he began to assist and support the man on his theory of aliens. On insomnia laced nights that they shared they would whisper what if’s and maybe’s against their ribs wanting their voices to echo against the hollow bones. They both were like two orbits that were bound to meet.  His life before meeting the elder seemed meaningless.  While the other man had explored galaxies he had stalked the ordinary earth hoping to find the meaning in his life.  Yet when he first saw him, despite being on earth he found it difficult to breath.

“How come?”

“What?

“How come you’re tired of life?”

Maybe it wasn’t the man that had changed, maybe it was society.  Surroundings.  People.  Siwon didn’t know how to explain it.  Maybe it was him that had changed.  Maybe it was him that failed to see the sadness that gleamed in those midnight irises.  Maybe it was him that failed to notice the innocence fading away from the elder.  Maybe it was him that failed to notice that behind every smile he received was a look of trepidation.  If he hadn’t started to slip away into stardom and fame, maybe he could have saved the elder from his personal hell.

“Because the person I love fails to notice me.  This person has met me before yet this person hasn’t.  It feels like an illusion.  We are close yet so far.  It’s not like I love someone that is far away, I fell for a person I interact with everyday.”

“But – “

“Don’t chastise me.  You probably have never experienced the pain of one-sided love.  It’s akin to breaking glass and piercing daggers.”

How could someone not realize what a wonderful person this man is? His personality, his masculine yet slightly delicate looks that makes him so approachable.  Everything was so beautiful.  The way his face broke out into a beautiful (and slightly toothy) smile.  The way his eyes scrunched in pure joy and created smiles.  The way his face brightened when his favorite food was placed in front of him. The way he would get flustered before lives.  How could someone fail to notice such a pulchritude young man?

“Maybe stars are meant to be lonely forever…”

“Hae…”

“Maybe they are meant to fade and burn away…in solitude.”

I’ll fade and burn with you just let me -

&&&

“How long will my love keep me waiting?” The whisper was forlorn, resonating off Siwon’s hollow ribs as they lay in his bed.  Just like before. Siwon turned so he was facing those empty chocolate orbs trying to search for Donghae.  The Donghae that would giggle at the smallest things., that would cry over the smallest matters, that was a pure child despite living in the age of adulthood. Where was he?

“Maybe you’re not chasing that person fast enough.”

“I’ve been chasing this person for years…I’m starting to run out of breath.”

&&&

“I need some time alone, I’m going to my hometown.  I need to forget…and move on.”

How foolish had he been? All this time he never understood the elder and now…he was running. 

Running to chase the person that had been chasing him all these years. 

The rain pounded down on his shoulders, but he didn’t care.  Hearing the soft whisper of goodbye in his answering machine (his schedules be damned) had shattered something inside of him.  Maybe it was the glass of water that had gone crashing down on to the tiles, or maybe it was his aching heart. 

The chattering, the shouts of watch-where-you're-going all left Siwon unperturbed.  All he cared about was that person. 

The train began to move and his heart might have skipped a beat if it wasn’t so busy being breathless.  He saw his silhouette in one of the windows.  The already shattered pieces of his heart became so miniscule that they no longer seemed significant.

No, no don’t –

His cell phone vibrated and he answered knowing exactly who it was.

“Come back!”

“I will, I need time…”

“Time for what?”

“To heal…”

“Heal what?”

“My heart…”

“Do so here…”

“I can’t…the cause of the pain is so close.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“As long as it takes to forget…”

“Forgetting someone you love is like remembering someone you’ve never met.”

“Goodbye…”

“Stop running now…I’ll wait for you to catch up at your own pace…I’ll be the one chasing you from now on…”

“I’ve waited for so long…I’m tired now. I loved you…”

“Can’t you love again?”

Always.