“Ow, .”

It was about 1:00 in the morning and Byun Baekhyun was rummaging through his closet, hitting his head on the top cupboard in the process. He never thought he’d be doing this on a day he thought would be one of the happiest days in his life. No, Baekhyun thought he’d never be doing this. Period.

Today was supposed to be his and Chanyeol’s fifth anniversary. They were supposed to celebrate the love that bloomed and stayed for five years of bliss, pain and just everything, but Chanyeol decided to cut things off two days before the special day that Baekhyun has already prepared. It hurt severely, Baekhyun’s pain was still fresh and his eyes were still puffy from crying, but he promised himself that if Chanyeol and him broke up, he’d return every single thing.

So, here he was, all broken and disoriented while taking out all the things that Chanyeol gave him, that reminded him of something he used to have.

“I don’t feel anything for you anymore.”

Baekhyun stopped for a moment as he remembered the words that Chanyeol told him on that day. He grasped the sweater in his hands tightly as he tried not to cry for the nth time. He looked down on the clothing and remembered, oh god, he remembered.

He remembered how Chanyeol willingly gave his sweater for Baekhyun to wear when the latter was shaking even if winter just started. He remembered how other than that, Chanyeol wrapped his arms around him and made sure that he’ll feel warm. He remembered that winter vibrantly because it was the winter he discovered that sometimes home isn’t a place. Home is Chanyeol’s arms holding him close as the winter’s frost was forgotten because Baekhyun was safe.

Splotches of tears stained the ground below Baekhyun as he chose to bow his head down. It hurt, no, it still hurts. Baekhyun thought that when you’ve reached a certain time, it’d be safe to say that you are protected from separation.

Love was never safe.

Baekhyun learned this the painful way, you always learn through pain, it seemed. Pain has always been life’s greatest teacher, the most violent, yet the most comforting. The one who’ll break your entire soul just to make you feel alive.

“This is all of it,” Baekhyun declared to no one as he placed the sweater on top of the many things inside the box. He fished for his wallet that were inside his pocket and took out some bills. It wasn’t enough to pay Chanyeol for the plenty of gifts he gave Baekhyun, so the latter decided to write a promissory note, promising that he’ll pay him in full. He even added a little note at the end, ‘I’ll pay you in 5 years time! Haha!’, Baekhyun gave it a bitter smile.

“Ah, it’s so late,” Baekhyun mumbled as he opened his phone to look at the time. His eyes lingered a bit to stare at his lockscreen. A picture of him, head on Chanyeol’s shoulder, sleeping as the other boy had a peace sign up for the camera.

The phone goes to auto-lock and Baekhyun sighed, even his lockscreen will have to change.

Baekhyun was so unfamiliar with this feeling already. Having spent 5 years with someone who loved him, he had grown to distance himself to the feeling of being alone, the feeling of being left. He didn’t know this feeling anymore, so everything felt strange and scary. Baekhyun couldn’t even remember how he coped with his previous heartbreak.

He quickly changed his lockscreen to a picture of his dog, a corgi named Mongryoung. Speaking of the dog, Baekhyun heard a soft whimper by the foot of his bed. He turned to his dog sleeping on the carpeted floor and Baekhyun smiled. At least Mongryoung was something that didn’t remind him of Chanyeol that much. He had the dog long before Chanyeol came into his life, so if there’s anything, Mongryoung reminded him of his younger rebel years.

“Yah, don’t leave me yet, okay?” Baekhyun whispered as he petted the dog for a while. He wasn’t physically alone and that was somehow comforting.

Baekhyun got up and went to lie on his bed. He wasn’t so sure if he would get some sleep tonight, but he’ll hope. When he was all wrapped up in his sheets, Baekhyun played a slow song and hummed it softly. Chanyeol used to do the same thing to him then with his deep raspy voice lulling Baekhyun to sleep. Now, Baekhyun was left to sing himself to sleep. Baekhyun was left.

The way you cry, the way you smile
Do you know how much you mean to me?
 

Baekhyun closed his eyes as he started singing. His voice was beautiful as it echoed around his room. It was steady when he began but as he progressed, it started shaking; he started crying. He didn’t even try to stop, didn’t even try to muffle the broken screams he let go as his body shook violently.

Byun Baekhyun was broken and the only person who could possibly hold him tight enough to be whole was the entire reason he started losing himself again.

Baekhyun groaned as the sunlight peered through his windows. He patted around his bed for his phone and checked the time when he found it.

9:16 am

Chanyeol must be home right now. The guy had a night shift and it usually lasted up to dawn, leaving him to come home by 6:00 in the morning. Baekhyun chuckled a bit as he remembered Chanyeol calling him as soon as he got home, voice groggy from exhaustion, yet excited to get to speak to someone so dear to him.

‘Not anymore,’ Baekhyun thought and sighed. He got up to take a shower for maybe, his last conversation with Chanyeol. He had everything ready including the words he will say and the things he’ll do for the last time. Baekhyun’s heart constricted at the thought of it being the last, but he had to accept it.

Soon enough, after all the preparation and all the hesita