*

There are many love songs out there. Too many, that’s what Ji-yong thinks while tearing apart the brand new song lyrics he just finished. Ji-yong scratches his scalp, tries to understand his own behavior. He looks down, closes his eyes before wipes away everything on the table to the trash bin right next to it. I can’t, he thinks, I just can’t, he mumbles. I can’t write any love song anymore, and then he stands up, walks out the studio, leaving Kush behind in silence. Ji-yong knows he owes him an explanation, but that’s not what he should worry about right now. I gotta find Seungri, he speaks to himself loud enough so his heart cannot escape from what it longs anymore. It wants Seungri, and Ji-yong, oh God, Ji-yong knows it better than anybody.

Seungri is in the cafeteria. He is eating his lunch in peace, not for long, but he actually enjoys it before Ji-yong comes like a storm, catches him like a lion catches its prey, and drags him to the nearest rest room that he can find. Seungri stays quiet, he knows way too much. He has the script of what’s going to happen.

The next thing is, Ji-yong will grab Seungri’s hair, pulls his head back then takes Seungri’s lips in one kiss. Ji-yong will kiss him as if his lungs are craving oxygen and Seungri is the only thing that produces that . As if Ji-yong is a catfish and oceans have disappeared last night. Seungri laughs, and Ji-yong finds himself frozen.

- What’s so funny? Do you think this is a joke?

- No.

- So what it is?

- Nothing.

- Nothing always has meaning.

- Is it?

- Yes, when I ed you last night. That was what you said.

- I don’t remember.

- Seems like you need help. I’ll give you a hand then.

- A won’t really help my memory much, you know.

- Give it a try.

So briefly, they just do it in one of YG’s rest rooms. If Yang goon ever found out what his favorite money machine maker does these days to re-fuel itself, he may has a heart attack. Mr. I-know-it-all knows everything, but of course nobody knows everything. No, he doesn’t need to know about how Ji-yong’s face looks like when he had , or all the dirty words Ji-yong whispered in Seungri’s ears when he lost his ability to control his naughty mind, or illusions that Ji-yong made instead of Big Bang’s albums. No, some secrets should better stay secrets forever.  

- Stop doing this and find a girlfriend, hyung.

- Why?

- I don’t know.

- I don’t want to know.

- Well but you have to.

- Why don’t we just keep doing this? We will be together for as long as we could. Big Bang too.

- You are an adult, do you know what that means? It means you can’t around like a teenager. You should have a serious relationship, and a girlfriend, and big house with a family, with kids. I know you always want to have kid.

- Yeah, with you.

- For God’s sake, I’m a man, Ji-yong.

- I can’t see why it’s a problem.

Ji-yong hugs Seungri from behind. His hands wrap around Seungri’s waist. He’s so skinny, and Ji-yong doesn’t like that. He gets mad every time Seungri leaves him to go to the gym. He gets mad every time he sees a comment that says Seungri is fat and he should lose weight. He gets ing mad every time Seungri sits next to him and focuses on his phone instead of paying attention to his lover, who is eating but always feels hungry. Ji-yong is hungry, he never feels satisfy, he never feels enough, no, if Seungri’s not near him. He craves Seungri, Ji-yong admits. It doesn’t make sense after all, Ji-yong thinks. We are supposed to feel full when we have food. But no, that’s not his case. Sometimes Ji-yong wishes he could chop Seungri into pieces so he could eat that boy up, then maybe he could sleep in peace at nights.

- I’m not a monster. I can’t get pregnant.

- So you are saying women are monster?

- You are very good at making me angry, aren’t you?

- I’m even better at making you happy.

- What do you want, Ji-yong? Tell me what you really want.

- You. I have everything I need, but you are what I want.

- Which means you can still survive without me.

- Yeah, I will not die if I can’t have you, of course. But I may not want to live anymore.

- That’s not funny at all.

Seungri washes his hands the million time. He doesn’t know what to say. He tries to think but his mind is blank. He is bad when it comes to words. Not like Ji-yong.

- So, are you going to wear it or not? Are you going to accept my proposal or not?

- Don’t play that game.

- I want you to wear it on your fingers and never take it off even when we are broadcasted.

- You ask too much, Ji-yong.

- I’m not. I just ask a very simple question. I just want to know do you love me or you don’t. It’s not that hard.

- You know it is. You know it is ing hard, Ji-yong.

- I know. It used to be hard for me, too, but not anymore.

Ji-yong tighten his embrace. He buries his face on Seungri’s shoulder. He takes a deep breath of Seungri’s familiar scent. I can die in it, Ji-yong thinks, and he allows himself to be killed by happiness for a few seconds.

- I’m not afraid of anything anymore, Seungri. I wake up next to you every morning and I’m not afraid anymore.

- It won’t be easy. Especially for you. I can handle it. I’m not that famous, but you, Ji-yong, I’m scared for you.

- I know you are smart but right now you are not.

- I’m always smart.

- Alright, so you should know that you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself quite good. All you need to do is just be there, with me. Just be with me.

- That’s all?

- That’s all.

And they kiss.

It’s not a happy ending nor a sad one. It’s not an ending. Some secrets should better stay secrets, as long as possible.

Oh well, but not the silver ring on Seungri’s finger. It is made to be exposed.