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“Soojung!” Naeun yelps at the sight of Soojung sitting on the couch. Soojung hasn’t been here since she moved out and Naeun completely forgot that Soojung could still sneak in as she still has the main key (it’s her aunt’s apartment). “What are you doing here?”

Soojung stares at her, looking all cold and pissed. “I want to pick the other toaster.” She replies monotonously.

Naeun anxiously curls the hem of the shirt. This is probably what it feels like if one gets caught cheating. “You should’ve told me first.”

“Well, I did. I texted, I called, I knocked. That explained everything, you were occupied.”

Naeun exhales. “Babe, I can explain.”

In fact, their conversation sounds exactly like the default conversation of one gets caught cheating.

“We’ve been over this Naeun. I trusted your judgment. And now what if Sehun find out? He and I don’t practice secret, you know. What am I going to tell him? ‘Oh hey, my bestfriend took your bestfriend’s ity, are we cool?’ That?”

As Soojung starts to yell, Naeun drags her to her room. After she closes the door behind her, she walks to her closet to pick up a pair of shorts. One needs to be appropriately clothed when there is a fight coming, just in case if there is hair-pulling ensues. “It was mutual.” She says to her strawberry shorts before putting it on.

“Naeun, he’s a—“ Soojung pauses a beat and then gives Naeun the look ; a slight shake of her head and a bit of grimace and disappointment on her face. “He’s a .”

“I know. I’m the one who stripped him—“ Soojung squints. “— off the label, so I know, okay?”

“You see, for someone like him, there are procedures before . He's not fit for a one-night. We covered this!"

"This is not a one-night."

Soojung arches a brow.

Naeun pauses. When she planned for a confession this morning, it doesn't involve an intruder. She can't tell Soojung about how she feels for Jongin because Jongin has the right to be the first to know. Isn’t all love confessions setting like that?

“Jong . . . About him . . . Well, I kind of . . .”

Soojung arches another brow.

Naeun her lips, settling with, “He’s amazing.” And then as though the tension completely dissolved, she starts to grin. “He’s—“

“Don’t you dare to grin.”

“—magnificent. Splendid. Bravura.”

“Son Naeun!” Soojung barks. Naeun bites her bottom lips, trying to school her features to something resembling seriousness. Soojung kind of looks funny now; the way her face is as red as her hair. “I don’t even know what to say to you.”

“Oh, come on, Jung. Listen to me. You don’t understand. He’s—when he pulled me close, I lost it. He was so warm and the way his skin—”

“Do I need to hear that? You’re digressing!”

“But he’s just that . . . that what am I supposed to do? And do you know he kissed with his tongue? And he just knew where to touch that could make me gasp and ohhhh gosh, his tongue, let’s sit and talk about his tongue.”

“Son Na Eun.”

“He’s really an awesome lay! He’s shy, and he blushed a lot and it was so cute, and the way he was nervous about things and . . . and he’s tall and my eyes are right on his chin, which you know is totally my kryptonite, and when he took my hands and kissed my knuckles—”

The more she talks, the further she manages to lure Soojung in. She her head in reluctant-concentration and Naeun just knows that Soojung would be in for anything juicy. So she tells her all the details.

“Oh god.”                                  

“I know. And he smelled like man, but not like every man. I think it was his cologne plus his natural scent.” She crumples the front of her (his) shirt and gestures it to Soojung. “Here’s his shirt, do you want to smell him?”

“No.”

“Good. Anyway—“

Everything. She tells Soojung everything—except the part that she has fallen in love.

“But Naeun, you took his ity. What if he regrets it?”

“He loved it.”

Soojung sighs. “But—okay, what about Sehun? I don’t think he would approve you.”

“Why do I need his approval? This is offensive. Is it because I’m too sl—“

“No, Naeun.”

“It’s not like I him.”

Soojung opens to speak but then her phone rings. Naeun can see Sehun’s name. She rolls her eyes. If Soojung is this serious with him, she can already feel their children in the future. Sehun would personally put chastity belt on them and throw the key into the ocean. That hypocrite little dickhead.

“Damn it, I forgot Sehun is waiting for me down there.” She hastily gathers her things and runs to the door. “We haven’t done talking, Naeun. I’ll see you later.” And in a whirl of shiny hair, she’s gone.

Naeun plops onto the mattress. Her head feels heavy and her chest has this spiral of emotions she couldn’t get a hold with. It’s a bad feeling. Which is weird because she was able to get away from Soojung—for now. She sits there for a while, contemplating nothing, before walking out, back to her original plan—making aesthetic breakfast, make out a little and then she’ll confess.

But she probably needs to adjust the plan a little, because Jongin is already at the kitchen.

Jong!

This must be why most female characters in movies run and throw themselves to their lover once they are in sight. Because they just couldn’t help it. It’s the very first instinct—to touch, smell and kiss them as soon as possible.

She throws her arms around his waist and breathes him. He smells so nice; he smells like him and her. She grins as she nuzzles his back. His back is her new favorite part of him when she ran her palms on it last night. It’s so broad and warm she plans to sleep on it in winter.

But when she tries to search for his warmth, somehow, she can’t find it.

He’s cold and stiff. He doesn’t lean in to her embrace. So she pulls herself off him, reluctantly. Another medal should be issued for this.

“Jong?”

He doesn’t turn to her, just sipping on his coffee. She notices there is just his mug. He didn’t make one for her. His head is ducked, and there’s something hunched about him. There’s a little slump of his shoulders that makes him seem less like her Jong.

What Soojung said suddenly dawns to her—“But Naeun, you took his ity. What if he regrets it?”

Her heart thunders. Is that it? And he’s setting a distance now? After all that?

“So . . . “ He draws the word, muttering against the rim of his mug, “you told Soojung everything?”

Her quick heartbeat slows to a dull thud before beating in a normal pace. She smiles, feeling a smidge of worry slides off. He apparently overheard them. He must have heard how awesome he was, and that should inflate his confidence and then he would carry her to the bed again.

“Yep.” She grins. Carry me to the bed now.

He turns to her and she shifts in a subtle position ready to be carried.

“Is that necessary?”

She stills for a second. No carry, maybe? But nevermind, she can walk. “Well, yeah.” Her first alternative is to smile, but Jongin looks so serious so she thinks she should play along to see who would crack first.

He closes his eyes, his jaw clenching. This reaction confused her. What she expected is blinding glow and beams that would put the sun to shame. But his face somehow looks a little grey, as if there’s a dark cloud hanging low above his head. Did he hear wrong or something? Should she repeat? She could totally repeat. First, there’s his tongue . . .

“Why?”

Naeun stares at him. He stares at her. And then Naeun realizes this is not a crack-contest. He is serious.

She thinks of the question. Why? “Well, I tell her everything, it’s kind of a habit. I told her about the other guys too and—“ She tosses out recklessly, and then clamps shut.

.

He stares at her with firm look in his eyes. Terrible understanding crossing his face, before he whispers through his paling lips, “You talked to her about the other guys too?”

Out of pure panic, she shakes her head but she doesn’t mean no. Because if she means no, she’s lying. Yes, she talked about all the other guys. Yes, she talked about all of it with Soojung. But she was never that giddy about it. If Jongin could hear the other story-telling, it was mostly just one word story. Just that. She shakes her head to this and the moment she wants to say it, Jongin is already out of the kitchen.

“Jong.” She strides after him.

“No.” He stops her there, not even three steps close to him as if she has a contagious disease. He doesn’t turn, but Naeun can hear the cracks of his voice. “Just. Don’t.”

“Jong, it’s not like that. What you heard—“

“What I heard is embarrassing!” He turns and his face, his beautiful face, is consumed with something that tugs everything inside of her. “It’s probably nothing to you but to me— To know that someone knows about something as private—“ Shame. It is shame. And she’s the one who painted that on his face.

This is probably why Soojung kept pressing on how Jongin is different and she shouldn’t treat him like the other guy. If it’s the other guy, their ego would rise to the sky if they heard her. But Jongin . . .

Her face starts to crinkle. She should know better that Jongin is different.

He takes a shallow, shuddered breath. “And when you stared at me last night, the look in your eyes . . .” His chin trembles very slightly. She knows because for someone who had watched him closely, she could notice every tiny movement. “I thought I meant something to you. Not just another guy.”

She wonders if he could her the way her heart drops into her feet after he said that. Her head is full of words but there must be a disconnection between her brain and because of all time articulacy was never her problem, it has to be now she has to struggle to talk.

“You did mean something to me. You do.” She means to say it in desperate manner, but it comes out breathless and like a whisper . . . like she’s practicing a script, like she doesn’t really mean it.

Apparently it sounds that way to him, too, because he shakes his head and his gaze drops to the floor. “I meant it when I told you I want to brag to the world that you are my first kiss. But I didn’t. Because that was something I would like to keep it just between us. It was that special to me.” He chuckles, but there’s no humor behind it. “How stupid of me to think that I’m—and that—were special to you too.”

A tear trickling down her left cheek and another to the other. She understands him now. Soojung doesn’t share her private life with Sehun anymore because she loves him, he’s not just another guy to her and it would be disrespectful to air their laundry to the public. She didn’t think about it like that back then because of their nature. They are of the same category as her too.

But Jongin isn’t. He was a for crying out loud.

“Jong . . .” She calls helplessly when he turns to walk back to his room.

“Please leave me alone.”

And he does it first.

this satan of a toaster burned all of our breads aha ha

U din tell me u want to cut class today?!

theres a new bakery down our block n everything’s italian

Im going to gain weight just by breathing from now on

Where r u?

r u running away from me?

U CUT CLASS AGAIN!1

ok WHERE IN THE R U?!

Naeun clenches the cover over her head the harder Soojung trying to pull it off her.

“When is the last time you shower?”

“Are you in the habit of letting yourself in now? I’m sick. Go away.”

“You’re not sick. If you’re sick, you’re going to bug the hell out me that I have to call your mom to come here. What’s going on with you? Where’s Jongin?”

Upon hearing his name, she wants to cry again. It’s been two days. She has been crying for two days. Jongin hasn’t been home for two days. She hasn’t function for two days—not eating, not showering and surviving entirely with self-pity.

She’s pretty sure this is how it feels like if one got dump five times all at once.

“Naeun. Hey.” Soojung is already crawling under the cover, settling behind her. She rests her palm on her forehead, concluding, “You’re not sick. What’s wrong?” Her tone isn’t accusing, her tone is soft. That sets Naeun into weeping again. “Oh no . . . Babe, what’s wrong?”

Naeun couldn’t talk over her sobs. She wants to talk, maybe then the crushing pain in her lungs will go away but then the last time she talked, she ed up big time.

“This is about Jongin, isn’t it?” Soojung hands her a box of tissue—the almost empty and also the last one. Soojung seems to take note of that too as her eyes starts to wander around and then stops at her trash can which is overloaded with tissues. “How long have you been crying? No—why are you crying so much? No—why are you crying?”

Naeun blows her nose and manages a stuffy “Jong.”

“What did he do?”          

“He asked me to leave him alone.”

“. . . After all that? After he carried you to his bed and shoved his tongue down your throat? He got some set of balls . . .”

This is why Soojung is the bestest of friend. Naeun could kill someone and Soojung would slate her to hell but once she cries, Soojung would blame the person for dying. Because to Soojung, regardless of the blinding reality, best friends are supposed to always take each other’s side. This is why she insisted for Naeun to listen to her because while she would pick her bestfriend in a heartbeat, going against a boyfriend is never a lovely war.

She wants Soojung back, but then that would mean kicking Jongin out.

She tries not to cry again so she forces a giggle. “He does have impressive set of balls though.” Soojung’s face scrunched like she just ate something rotten and then Naeun remembers that she should not talk about something private anymore. Old habits die hard. She sits up, facing Soojung. “It’s not his fault, Jung. It’s all mine. He heard us—me—talking about him and he felt embarrassed by that and he thought it was disrespectful to tell something as personal . . . and special, to someone else.”

“Oh.”

Naeun stares at her. Soojung is her bottom lips, frowning. Naeun rolls her eyes. “Just say it. I can already hear it.”

“What?”

“, I told you so!” Naeun mimics Soojung’s voice the best way she can, which isn’t much because with blocked nose, every impersonation comes out like she just inhaled some helium.

Soojung laughs. “Good, because I don’t have the heart to say it out loud because if I do, you’re going to cry again and you know I hate it when you cry.” Soojung hates it because she doesn’t know what to do. If patting and shoulder/lap offering don’t work, Soojung would go so far as giving up one of her kidneys just to stop her from crying. “Okay, forget it. Let’s move on from that. You’re not Naeun if you don’t up once a month so—”

“Hey—“

“—this is not at all unusual.” Soojung straightens, tucking her feet under her lap. “You know what; I think if you tell him you’re sorry instead of not showering for days, maybe he’ll forgive you. It’s not like you wanted to embarrass him. You didn’t say anything bad. He should actually feel sorry for me.”

“I can’t. He said I should leave him alone.”

“Woah, since when did you actually listen to people?”

“He’s Jong.” Naeun says, as if it’s an obvious fact to Soojung that Jongin really has that much power over her.

“Is that said to offend me or something?” And then she blinks. Naeun can see an idea is dawning on her. “Wait, go with me for a second. When you cried, it’s because he asked you to leave him alone?”

“That. And also he hates me.”

Soojung contemplates her. “That’s all?”

Naeun’s mouth falls open. “You can’t say that’s all to this. That’s all doesn’t sound big enough. This is gigantic.”

“No, I mean. This is not partly because you left your ?”

“Huh?!”

“You mourned because of . I was guessing . . .” She pauses again. A bigger idea is dropping so fast on her that her eyes snap up like she’s in shock. “ . . .” She leans forward, grasping Naeun by her arm. “Are you—do you like—like him? I mean, this kind of mourning is rather too much for . . . Wait, you said gigantic.”

Naeun sighs. Jongin was supposed to be the first to know, but what’s the point now? He hates her.

“I love him.”

“Holy mother of baby Jesus. . .”

“I knew it that night. It probably has been weeks, I just didn’t realize it.”

“You should have told me that morning! He could have heard that.”

Naeun buries her face on her knees. Yes, that’s how it supposed to go. Then there would be no such thing like this—heartbreak, humiliation and whatnot.

Nevermind her heartbreak, Jongin has it hundred times worse. He probably still feels so used and dirty now. She imagines him trying to scrub all her trace when he showers.

And then she imagines him showers.

She buries her face on Soojung’s lap now because her knees are not enough.

Soojung lifts her thigh, bouncing Naeun’s head. “Hey, you know what, let’s go. Let’s go to him and confess.”

“I can’t. I’m smelly and full of snots.”

“Ugh. Damnit, Naeun. It’s a good thing you’re crying that I have to put up with your disappointing brain.”

“Hey—“

“Go take a shower before I insult you more than necessary.”

Right when Jongin’s showering image in that same bathroom still lingers in her head. Awesome.

They couldn’t find Jongin that day.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Naeun has been all set and ready; making sure she looks pretty and doesn’t at least have snots. In her head, she keeps replaying a scenario. When she sees him, she’s going to say “I love you, Jong” straightaway and then he would carry her to the bed and then she would tell him some more.

But then the entire week stretched out Jongless.

Apparently, he isn’t just beautiful and smart. He’s also probably the sneakiest person alive because for the whole week, he went home when he knew she’s not there. When she went to the library, he would magically disappear. Sometimes, he would crash with his friends. Sometimes, he would just stay in a cheap hotel. (Source : Jung Soojung.)

Her messages to him all unread, her calls all went to voice mail. . .

Jongin is so not joking when he asked her to leave him alone.

I’m getting bonkers.

Why do I love him more and more the more I think he hates me?

Idt he hates you

He does…

R u crying again?

Hey

I miss him so much I can’t sleep. :(

do u want me to come? I have lap

Honestly tho, why can’t I fall in love with you instead?

bcs I honestly dont have a

Do u want me to come or not?

You have lap. Right now all I need is lap.

Be there in 15

Naeun glances up from her laptop, and her eyes meet Sehun’s. Sehun glares at her and looks away back to his laptop and sighs. Some moments later, he turns to Soojung beside him. They stare at each other and hold. Some sort of silent conversation going on there.

Yesterday, Sehun was still his idiot self. Today, he’s all indifferent towards her. Her brain is not disappointing enough to conclude that he already knew.

She feels like crumpling again so she types fmowfvjskmcakfonafckndkjanc just to look like she has all her s together and Sehun giving her a cold shoulder really doesn’t affect her at all.

When Sehun leaves to the restroom, she smacks her keyboard producing some other strings of nonsense. “Can you tell him, if he wants to yell at me, just do it. Stop doing that.”

Soojung looks up from her laptop. To Naeun, and then to Sehun who then disappears behind a wall, and then back to her laptop. “Stop doing what?”

“That! He looked at me like I’m a pitiful that he wants to strangle and also tuck to bed.”

“I think that explained it correctly.”

“You told him?”

“Last night.”  Soojung shrugs. “It’s hard to not to because you and Jongin are both freaking him out so—”

“Jong didn’t say anything to him?”

“Jongin didn’t say anything to anyone.”

Naeun closes her eyes. Her chest tightens. Jong. Oh Jong. She swears if she’s given a second chance, she’ll protect him from anything that could hurt him.

Including her own tongue.

She takes a shallow breath, changing the direction, “So Sehun really does want to strangle me?”

“Yep. In about twelve separate occasions if I count correctly from last night.”

Naeun buries her face in her hands. “He should just have, I would probably thank him.”

“But he also does want to tuck you to bed.”

Naeun peeks from between her fingers.

Soojung explains. “I showed him your depressing texts. After he read it, he thought you were . . . well, pitiful. He wanted to tell Jongin about your feelings but I told him not to steal your thunder.”

Good. “But he’s still not on my side.”

“Yeah, like I’m not on Jongin’s side.”

Inspired by that, when Naeun drags boxes of tissues home that evening, she comes up with a plan.

It’s a lot of work, fussy, weak and so not romantic, but right now she would go as far as cutting her tongue just to make him show up. And come home.

Dear Jong,

I’m sorry but this is just how I love you.

Sincerely (and also creepily), Naeun.

p/s you heard the rest.

He’s home.

She knows he’s home when she comes home next two evenings. She can see the light from the bottom of the door.

He’s home.

It was yesterday she passed a bunch of printed screenshots of her messages with Soojung, old and new, to him through Sehun. He could get worse idea from it but she risked it because he has to know, by telling her bestfriend about him, constantly, that means he is important and something—or rather, everything—to her. She would not talk about him constantly if he is just another guy because no point. When she told Soojung about The , that was all because she was out of practice and by no means she wanted to humiliate him. Besides, last week’s conversation were full of her love confession to him that Soojung nearly blocked her for real. That should tell him a lot.

If Jongin still couldn’t tolerate that, she will cut her hair first. Then her tongue.

She opens the door with shaky hand and there he is, on the couch, holding a book.

He’s home he’s home he’s home.

She must be too damn wrecked, because she nearly cries at the sight of him. He looks . . . awful. Breathtakingly awful.  He looks like his beautiful self, but there’s part of his appearance that tells he really did went through one rough week. Rougher than her two days worth of funk.

He stands, facing her. For what feels like a minute taking each other presence in, he finally speaks. “H-hi. I . . . um. I got your messages. To Soojung.”

He’s back to stuttering. When he’s mad, he barely stuttered. Which hints, now he’s not mad anymore.

“Hi . . .” Naeun walks closer to him and stares. She feels like she hasn’t stare at him for years. He looks thinner, and he has stubble on his edible jaw. She swallows her thirst. She is legit two seconds away from him there.

He walks up to her and wraps her in a blanket. She can feel her face starts to crinkle because it seems like he doesn’t hate her enough not to wrap her in a blanket.

“Don’t cry.” He says.

For some psychological reason, Naeun always does the opposite of what she’s told. When she was a kid, her neighbour told her not to ruin her flowers and that’s exactly what she did once nobody was in sight. Her grandmother told her once to sit properly when they were in church so she sat upside down like nobody’s business. Soojung told her not to touch Jongin, so she slept with him.

And now she’s not just crying, she’s weeping. The kind of crying that she knows is ugly on her and also would ruin her planned scenario because she’s going to have snots.

“Please don’t cry.”

She sobs. “I missed you so much. And I’m so sorry for everything. And I love you. I love you, Jong. I’m not kidding. I’m serious.”

He exhales softly. “I know.”

Naeun shamelessly wipes off her snots (she has snots!) on his blanket. “You do?”

“You messaged Soojung those.” He smiles. Not his usual dramatic smile. Just a smile. But enough of a smile. “I want to read you something.”

Naeun nods, following him and takes the seat beside him. He scoots closer.

“What is that?” She stares at the red leather book. It looks like something her father would own.

“It’s my journal.” He takes a deep breath before he opens a bookmarked page. “Ready?” He asks, glancing tentatively. Naeun smiles and nods. “February 20. I went out from the apartment today, moving to another. It’s a nicer block and closer to the campus. And my roommate is her.”

“What does that mean?” She asks quietly. She still has no idea how to talk properly to him.

“You’ll know.” He smiles at her. Wider now. “She’s so much prettier that I could see from a distance. But I know right away, that being her housemate won’t change anything. I will still going to see her from a distance.”

“What does that mean?”

He ignores her. “P/s. She didn’t introduce herself properly.”

“Ouh. Sorry.”

He chuckles. Naeun scoots closer now, pressing their thighs together. He doesn’t budge.

“February 23. I have to skip a class. I never skip a class but I can’t go out. She’s sleeping on the couch and I don’t dare to make a step.”

“You were scared of me?”

“No, not really.” He blushes. “You were just in your, you know, underwear, and I thought you forgot about me so I couldn’t go out, lest I would wake you up and then you would freak out.”

That is so adorable! “Jong, I bared it all because you wouldn’t go out.”

“But you were still like that when I was out here and you saw me.”

“I don’t think it’s a big deal.”

“It’s not. You’re comfortable in your skin. It’s good for you.”

“For you?”

He blushes again. Naeun wants to press her palm to his cheeks. She bets they are warm.

“Um. I wrote about it.”

“About my body?”

“No! I mean, n-not really. Good God, no.”

Naeun giggles. She kind of wants him to write about her body though. She would frame it.

He flips the pages, “It’s here. February 27. I think she knows she lives with a guy now because she asked me if I forgot. But she’s still going around half-. I started to think that maybe catching Sehun wasn’t all that bad.” He hisses. “Please don’t tell him.”

“. . . I’m trying not to be insulted that you picked Sehun’s over mine.”

“This was written on February 27.”

“That’s why I said I’m trying not to be insulted.”

“Well, technically, his wasn’t all that bad because it did not affect me in a way yours—” He mutters, “—did.”

Naeun smirks. “Okay. Forgiven.” She curls towards him now, placing her head on his shoulder and throwing an arm over his waist and a leg over his lap. He doesn’t budge. He lets her. He even props the book on her thigh.

“March 18. She fell asleep after I read her a book. Here, on the couch, with the moonlight reflecting on her face. She looks beautiful. I never know that I will get the chance to watch her this close. Seeing her now, I think she has grown comfortable with me. When she started to wear more clothes, I thought she’s getting cautious but tonight, she doesn’t seem to care about her vulnerability. And that makes me comfortable around her too.”

“I never saw you that way. If anything, it’s the other way round. I’m the creep between us.”

“Yeah. Your texts crept me out.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“But, if that’s how you . . . love me,” He says, in lower voice, testing the words, “I’ll take it.”

She smiles and plays with the collar of his shirt. He wears a pretty horrendous combination today—blue shirt under brown sweater. There was a time when she thought Jongin had to work on his style, but now she cares more about what’s under it. And who gets to run her fingers and taste his skin all over? Her. That’s a golden pass. So selfishly, she would encourage more ugly wraps on him just so no one else would think of getting the same privilege.

Tinfoil wraps. Yeah, that’s what Jongin needs.

“And by the way, I like that you punctuated your text correctly.”

“Of course you do.”

“March 21. The E-Culture conference was cancelled. So I had an early lunch . . . Wait, this has nothing to do with you.” Naeun laughs and he flips to the next page. “March 25. It’s getting stupid.”

“What is?”

“I read at the couch for an hour and I found myself glancing up at her door every five minutes. And each time I did, my stomach began to flutter.”

“Holy . You’re crushing on me. When is that?” She grabs the journal from him. “March 25!”

He avoids her eyes as he shyly takes his journal from her. “Well, I must be gay if I don’t.”

Naeun realizes that was before The Kiss. “Read me when we kissed.”

“Actually, I didn’t really write anything. I didn’t even write the date.” It was April 2^nd, Naeun remembers.“I just wrote, I kissed her.”

“That’s it?”

“It was overwhelming. I couldn’t form a thought. I told you the next day how that felt to me, so consider yourself told.”

“What did you feel when I asked you to kiss me?”

“A lot. For a second, I thought you were reading along with me but there was no such line.”

“And then?”

“I already had a crush on you before that so it felt . . . a lot. A lot more. A lot like a mouse.”

Naeun’s eyes glaze around. “A lot like a . . . mouse?” Is this some kind of analogy that she missed to learn at school?

“A mouse’s heartbeat is up to 500 beats a minute while resting.” Yes, it really is an analogy that everyone missed to learn at school. “That was how it felt like. Everything inside me beating wildly. I was a little cautious that you could feel the beats on my lips.”

How. ing. Adorable. She wants to seduce him to skip reading to kissing but she’s curious too. “Please continue. And fast.”

“Okay. Um. I don’t write anything about . . . the next day.”

The day she took his ity.

He pauses at a page. And Naeun notices it’s a very long it’s almost full-page. “Should I skip this? I prefer skipping.”

She skims the words and somehow she can feel hard emotions behind it. The writing is a little messy, like he was as messy when he wrote it. “Read it.”

“I was mad.”

“I know. And it’s valid. So read it.”

“Okay.“ He sighs in defeat. “April 5. There was something in her eyes when she stared at me that night. It was like she’s giving me a gift. That’s just for me. Only for me. Except Naeun didn’t smile. She was pale and shaking. Now that I think of it, it should be a red alarm but I let myself ignoring it. I’m always one for pushing myself out there, but Naeun was something else. I knew there’s no spot for me beside her, but she made me greedy. She made me feel like I could be greedy for her. She was in my grasp, I could take her or she could take me, but I knew my place. That night, though, she stared at me like how one would stare at the moon on a starry night. The moon isn’t twinkling, and it honestly sorts of ugly, but there’s no other like the moon so it’s special. Because I thought I was the moon and because of the silly confidence and greed she gave me, so I forgot where I stood.”

Naeun can feel burn in her eyes so she hugs him tighter. How she wishes she could turn back time and just ing told him that night that she’s indeed in love with him. He’s not just a moon, he’s a universe.

“But then I realized I gave her too much in return. I didn’t just give her my virtue, I gave her me.” He pauses. “Naeun, I was mad.”

“Read.”

His breathing falls out harsh. “And unfortunately, she’s not a taker. She’s a user.”

A user.

Not so bad. She could label herself worse.

“I’m sorry. I’ll burn this page later.”

She smiles at him to let him know it’s okay. His lips twitch, “Can I continue to the last entry? I’ve been waiting for this part.”

“Is it cheesy? I need to get myself ready.”

“It’s a poem.”

“Oh my god.”

“Just kidding. Well, ready?”

She nods eagerly. Maybe this is the part where he would return the three words. She readies herself, all too giddy she almost suggesting to read it herself.

“This was written to be read to you because I don’t know how to actually say it to your face so I decided to write and read.” Naeun mutters an impatient ‘okay okay okay’. “April 11. Dear Naeun. When I first saw you, you were brunette.”

Her eyes wide open. That was a semester ago! She glances up at him and he just smiles knowingly.

“You were laughing by the sidewalk, talking to a guy. I noticed you because you’re beautiful, as simple as that. You, to me back then, were the girl who James Blunt was talking about in his song. A beautiful girl in a crowd, that would never be mine, and I would never see her again.” He leans his head on hers—Naeun suspects it’s his attempt to stop her from staring at him. He continues reading and Naeun tries not to read along. “But turn out, you were the bestfriend of Sehun’s girlfriend. Back then, I just shrugged it off. Because didn’t matter, you’re still of different league and I didn’t even exist in your peripheral vision. I forgot about you for a while but then out of the blue, I was asked to be your housemate. You know what it was like? For me, it’s like the biggest cosmic joke, which was not even funny. It’s like you were meant to be there all along and whenever I forgot about you, some deity would bring you closer like ‘here Naeun, remember her?’”

Wow. She wishes she knows his side of story long ago. It sounds frantic and beautiful. Hers is staring and boring. “I’m going to worship that certain Deity.”

He chuckles and continues. “I tried to avoid you, just to be safe but then you kept staring at me like I was the only thing you can see. It’s pulling me closer and closer.”

“You knew?”

“I must be blind not to feel your eyes on me. I have four eyes.”

Embarrassment creeps on from her toes up to her cheeks. She curls tighter, burying her heated cheeks onto the crook on his neck. He chuckles again.

“You continued to stare, and I let you because I felt ten feet taller whenever you did because I never thought you’re going to notice me, let alone keeping me in your overall vision. And then you said it. You, of all people said it.”

“I said what?”

“Kiss me.”

Her cheeks heated again and so is his neck. She doesn’t have to look at him to know that he’s blushing as well.

“And then suddenly, your face was the first that I think about as soon as I woke up. Suddenly, you were taking more room, and I felt like I can see you everywhere. And suddenly, you are everything to me.”

She kisses the rope of muscle between his neck and shoulder, smiling at the same time.

He shivers a bit as he breathes. “I love you, Naeun.”

There they are. Naeun rewards his jaw with a kiss, trying not to make it obvious that she’s shaking all over and giddy, like she’s in the world’s biggest caffeine rush.

“A lot.” She kisses his cheek, “A lot more than a lot.”—his temple—“P/s : Even though it’s still not in every sense—funny, this whole thing turns out to be the best cosmic joke ever . . . because I never in a million years thought you’d feel the same way.”

He closes the journal, and turns his head to her. She stares at him, staring deep into his eyes like she stared at him that night. Giving, giving and giving. And by the way his face lights up like it’s Christmas, she knows he’s taking it all too.

“I want to frame that page.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She cups his face, squishing his cheeks until his lips pout. “I love you. I love you a creepy amount.”

He laughs and Naeun kisses him then. There, even before he finishes laughing. It’s like she’s kissing his happiness. When she pulls away, she stares at him again, and at this rate, she could really make a profession off staring at Kim Jongin.

“That’s all?” He asks, sounding a little too shy. Shy-Jongin is never far away.

“You can’t say that’s all to that. That’s all doesn’t sound a lot enough. A creepy amount is a lot. A lot it’s creepy.”

He laughs again and he kisses her frown, down to her nose, and then a square kiss on her lips. Jongin always does it contrastingly, tenderly. It’s going to be fun, expecting things from him.

He smiles his golden dramatic smile. “I’ll take it.”

credits : The Fragile Arc is a poem from I Wrote This For You by Iain Thomas.

The previous two titles are song titles. 

The idea of printing screenshots was from my bestfriend, Stella J. bcs she did it to confess before (it didn’t work btw….) and she said I would be stupid if I dont use the idea so that all Kryseun's messages before would make a point. Most of Jongin here was outline by Daniel H. bcs I can't always pretend I know what boys think/react (and just to let you know if you think Jongin is sappy, that's not entirely my fault). 

That's it guys. I had the most fun writing this.

Thanks for reading. Especially those who always read my works, thank youuuu. I love you all.

Happy Gawai too, to those who celebrate! :)