“Oppa, the show is about to start!!! Turn on the stream to see how beautiful I am. Love you! <3 <3 <3”

I looked at the phone’s screen, couldn’t help but smile slightly. My HyunA was always this sweet!

With cup of coffee in hand, I walked into our room, grasped the Ipad and started to “I want Cube Pop” stream, did what exactly my wife wanted me to do. A small chuckle echoed silently in my head while waiting for the initialization. 

The show was always as amazing as ever, as when I had been there, among BEAST, dancing and singing until every ounce of my will had been depleted to zero point. It’s really a strange feeling, though quitting the idol career take me to peaceful state of mind but now looking at them on stage, a thread of being left behind still lurked in and swirled my stomach to churning. Paradoxically! 

“Maybe I only need time to get used to a new habit!” - I thought.

*Ting*

A new message...

I picked up the phone, slid to read the new message, from YoSeob - “Seungie, did you see us on stage? Your place will never be replace! We all love you.”   

I didn’t answered him, indeed, I didn’t know what to respond. My HyunA always complained about I seldom told her I love her, that action was very important as well as words. It’s not I’m too dumb to understand such but words didn’t come that easily as she could always do. “You only tell me three holy words when we make love.” she whined all the time and each time I always winked while teasing back such “Oh, then we should do it more frequently.” Luckily, my thoughtful wife never failed to understand how precious she was to me and how much I appreciate to have her in my life. At least we knew we’re so deeply in love.

A sharp sigh escaped my mouth as I put down the tablet on our bed and walked to the window. Recollections flooded back to me of the unpleasant moment I had told the other five of BEAST my retreating intention. I... am... simply... excessive in this exhausted battle.

“Can’t you just please try for only two years more?” - DooJoon asked, in his voice, not the angriness but the begging hint poured out and squeezed my heart. I love him and perhaps the man didn’t know how thankful I was to all of his effort over nine years together. Without his restless hard working, BEAST would never score at A level as we’re now. But...

JunHyung chose to sit away, his expression seemed what suppressed. This guy, the only thing I would love to tell him was “Sorry” for along the way, we messed up everything.

GiKwang, YoSeob stood next the DooJoon with eyes were weighted down by unsaid while DongWoon, our maknea opened his mouth slightly then shut then opened as if there’re were so many things he wanted to blurt out but words seemed to swallowed back. 

We stood there, let the suffocated air strangled in long moment, reeling our memories, all good and ones that should be forgotten... A thousand words would be carried now became a slump in our throat.

“You did your best.” - JunHyung’s sudden voice catapulted us all back to reality as he rose up from the couch and walked to me. In the next moment, I found being held tightly in his arms, something raucous in his voice as he softly said - “I want to be angry with you, to call you selfish but I love you even more.”

DooJoon, Yoseob, GiKwang and DongWoon stepped ahead, threw their arms around me, we’re six in the most cherish moment that somehow we thought with strained and strict schedules and arguments and conflicts, we lost it somehow. Grow-up men sometimes were still in need of tears when they’re too sad to say. 

I only had hope for a single planet, but they eventually had given an entire galaxy.

And my HyunA, we had had a small fight because she had thought it’s too risky to take such daring move but in the night after our passionate make-up , her arms circled around me, whispered the words of love. It’s terribly difficult to find someone who completely loved me for who I am, who loved my weird bits, my bad, my good, not knowing how to play instrument, hated the sport, talentless... and always by my side through up and down of life. Thanked God for she was here!

And BEAST, and HyunA, they’re all fully aware of my excessive exhausting, of what should come would come.

From behind, the chanting voice of BEAUTY ricocheted in my ears as they together sang my part. A sorrowful smirk briefly appeared on my face for the fact I betrayed their beautiful love. YoSeob said, even closed fandom reopened only to raise their support, they all hoped I’d together, with them overcome this frustrated time. But I’d let them down, painfully. Their love had dragged me through both heaven and hell but this time, this body, this mind had already been shattered under the stress, the burdens, the responsibilities of a family’s man. I, this time, anchored down and headed to another place. 

We’re all then grew up and these magnificent memories would turn into strength to move on. Someday, they’d all forget there was once a guy named Jang HyunSeung but I’d store every piece carefully and gratefully in the most cherish place inside my heart. A time of youth, of passion and of love.

Thank you all!