It was the first time I’d seen him cry. His head hung at the edge of Emma’s stone, fingers desperately clasped around the sides. I don’t think he even knew I was standing there watching the tears pool up at his feet, listening to the sobs burst from his quivering lips. He still wasn’t wearing a jacket today, and I could see his arms shaking violently as he grasped the edges of the stone like the edge of a cliff. His legs were collapsing beneath his own weight, like the sorrow was ripping through his whole body. Like a swordsman closer to death with every blow to the chest.

I couldn’t say anything, I didn’t know the words. As if there was some hidden instinct in me, I went up behind him and slid my arms around his waist, tried to hold him like he held me the night before. I could’ve swore I felt our bodies meld together out of desperation. Felt the sharp, painful energies in him smoothe into relief.

Pressing my ear to his back, I listened for the beating of his heart, waited for it to calm like the sway of the tide on the beach. His breaths became deeper, and as the sobs began to quiet, he put one of his hands over mine, letting his fingers sink into the spaces between my own.

We stayed like that in silence until the tears dried on his face and the sobs had long left his body. I felt like such a burden, hanging on him with all my weight, but even in that instance, I didn’t want to pull our bodies apart. I wanted to hold on forever.

“You forgot your jacket again today,” I said into his back, breathing in his natural scent. Same as usual, hot apple cider and caramel.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he replied lowly, rubbing his thumb over mine.

“It’s okay,” I sighed, “I brought an extra blanket for you just in case.”

“Don’t go back to your house in the morning.”

“Where do you want me to go instead?”

“Come see my mother with me.”

I reached my chin over his shoulder. “I’ll be gross, though, I want to shower.”

“We can stop at my house before.”

“... Okay, I’ll go.”

I took my weight off of him, standing back so he could get on his feet. He turned to face me, eyes never glancing away once. I felt standing in front of him, slouching in on myself and hyper aware of all my flaws once again. His eyes were deep and piercing, even as they were puffy and bloodshot.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”

He gave me a forced smile. “Can I have that blanket?”

Without a word, I shuffled through my bag and found the spare blanket, thick and made of fleece. I wrapped it around him, placing the corners gently in his fingers. There were a million words in my head but no sense to any of them. None of them carried the meanings that I needed them to.

We wandered over to the chairs, falling into one like sinking in sand. The salt in the air was especially strong today, and the cold of it stuck to my nose and my throat. I thought Aron looked like he might crumble away into pieces across from me in the other chair. My heart was aching. I didn’t even think it was beating.

“Why were you crying?”

It came out quiet and awkwardly. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.

He sighed, lips stiff. “I’m just really tired.”

“Yeah… me too.”

The waves cried quietly in the distance between us. In the chairs, I felt like we were so far away when we’d been so close only moments ago. Practically attached on some spiritual level. And now there was a giant wall.

“I tried calling my sisters again.”

“They didn’t answer?”

He shook his head slowly, lips pursed and eyes faraway again.

“Maybe they were busy with homework or away from the phone.”

His eyes returned to me. “It’s been a month, Esme. I’m worried about them.”

“I understand.” And that was the worst part. I couldn’t take the worry away, couldn’t make his sisters answer the phone because their brother missed the sound of their voices. Couldn’t tell them that their brother was cracking at the seams because he couldn’t handle it all on his own.

We sat in silence for a while, staring past each other under the warmth of the blankets. I wanted to scoot my chair closer to his, wanted to feel the wood stove in his belly, feel the heat he emitted, but my body was full of concrete and I forgot how to work my legs. I resented the setting sun tonight. I wasn’t ready to take Emma to bed. There was another chapter in this book I wanted to read.

“You’re shivering.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. It’s pretty cold out.” I adjusted the blanket over my shoulders.

“Let’s go sit by Emma. We’ll be warmer next to each other.”

“Okay.”

I wasn’t ready for bed, but the warmth of his arms was tempting and I couldn’t stand this void between us anymore. We assumed our regular positions at Emma’s stone, doubling the blankets over each other so we’d both have twice the warmth. I sank into the space under his arm and found the spot on his chest that his heart beat against. Our bodies shivered against each other and my shoulders were up to my ears. He held me with his gentle, mechanical grip, and I clung to the heat of his body.

“Emma really likes you.”

The words came out of his mouth like a fawn walking for the first time. I didn’t respond, but only because I didn’t know how to.

 

《┄ ✝ ┄》

 

Strong fingers tugged on my shoulders gently, a quiet voice whispering in my ear. “Esme, wake up. We gotta go, wake up.”

He helped me to my feet, keeping both blankets wrapped around my body and swinging my bag over his shoulder, leading us on our way out of the cemetery and towards the suburbs on the coastline. My feet felt heavy and ticklish as we walked, and I constantly fell into him with every other step. He didn’t act like he minded, though, just kept taking us further into the suburbs.

“I’m so sore,” I said under my breath, eyes barely open.

“I have ibuprofen at the house. Just a little bit further.”

We came up to a small house shaded by several large trees. You would never notice this place if someone didn’t take you there, like the shadows kept it hidden from view. The grass stretched tall and the bushes that lined the driveway were disheveled. If you looked hard enough, you could see the disarray Aron had left the house in through the front bay window.

Unlocking the door, he shoved it in with his whole body, pushing aside piles of shoes that had been left on the front mat. “I usually come in the back door,” he said, helping me walk through with his eyes on the floor. He looked at the place like he hadn’t seen it in years. “You said you wanted ibuprofen, right?”

“Sure.”

He disappeared into the back room where I could see a dining table and chairs in front of a sliding glass door with more shoes piled in front of it. The whole house was piles of clothes and papers, picture frames hanging crooked on the walls and dust on all the electronics.

Taking my shoes off, I made my way through the mess and met with one of the crooked hanging photographs on the wall. Four smiling faces looked back at me, Aron hardly younger than he is now. There was pride in his mother’s eyes, and Aron’s sisters each had their arms wrapped tightly around him. There was life and laughter, like someone had unexpectedly shot the picture. Every photo was like that; candid. Full of energy, so full it poured from the edges of the frame and spilled out onto the floor.

“Everything is so covered in dust.”

I saw him standing in the archway, a glass of water in one hand and two tablets in the other. I let the blanket around my shoulders drop to the floor, taking the medicine from him and gulping it down fast.

“I wish I would’ve thought to clean the place up yesterday,” he said, waiting for me to return the glass to him. “Uhm, bathroom’s this way.” He tripped over a laundry basket in front of the entertainment center, leading me to a back hallway on the west side of the house.

The bathroom mirror had fingerprints on it, toothpaste stains. There were hairs in the sink and the trashcan was overflowing with old shampoo bottles and disposable razors. He frantically starting cleaning up the more embarrassing areas of the bathroom, explaining how his shower functioned and directing me to a fresh razor and clean towels.

There was something about being in someone else’s house, even behind the privacy of closed doors. Like the feeling of being watched, even when you knew you were perfectly alone. It was vulnerability. Knowing there was only a door between you and those who might discover your bare body.

“Is the ibuprofen working?” I heard him call from the other side of the door.

“Uh, yeah. I’m feeling better, definitely.” I think everything that came out of my mouth sounded like a question mark. I’d never spoken to someone while I was in the shower before, and I almost felt like he could see me through the door just through the sound of my voice. Nonsense.

“I think my mom will really like you.” He sounded like the Aron I remembered.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You have the kind of personality she likes.”

“And what kind of personality is that?”

“Yours.” I could hear the -eating grin on his face.

My voice echoed loudly in the shower. “Oh, that clears everything up.”

“I thought so,” he laughed.

“Stop talking to me when I’m , it’s weird.”

“Okay.” I heard his weight shift off the other side of the door as he made his way back into the living room, leaving me to get dressed again in the hum of the bathroom fan. The edges of the mirror were blurry, and the finger smears were more visible in the humidity. I saw the dark circles under my eyes, poked and prodded at my face. Put my hair up, let it back down again. Nothing was good enough, not even close. It felt like it never would be.

Sighing, I finally left the bathroom, finding my way back into the living room where Aron was laid on the couch. I was sure he was sleeping, one leg dangling off the edge, arms folded over his chest, but then he opened his eyes when he felt me staring. “You ready to go?”

I nodded, pulling my fingers through my wet hair, hoping it wouldn’t dry in a mess. “But,” I started suddenly, “don’t forget to grab your jacket.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He stood groggily with a half-smile on his face, rummaging through the pile of coats on the coatrack before he led us out the front door. “I’m sorry I can’t drive you out there. I haven’t driven since my sisters still lived at home. Mom can’t afford the insurance.” He said, locking the door behind him.

“It’s fine, I walk everywhere anyways.”

“I thought mermaids swim?”

That grin on his face sank under my skin, and the only reaction I had was a quick shove to the side. These prior annoyances had become something precious and cherished, but I had no idea how to react to them. He couldn’t know how they actually made me feel.

 

《┄ ✝ ┄》

 

Everything smelled like living corpses and day-old soup. My skin felt like it was made of paper, like the blood in my veins would pour out of my fingertips. Like the walls were lined with needles and one wrong step would have me pricked in a million painful places.

Aron had me by the wrist, pulling me like the day we first met in the cemetery. His fingers were practically vibrating against my skin, footfalls nearly erratic, offbeat. I almost thought Disneyland was going to be on the other end of the hallway. I almost wished it was.

“Hey, Aron,” voices called from the open doors, from the thin lips of nurses in scrubs lining the hallways. He lit up faces as we passed them in a hurry. He hardly returned their greetings. A couple of them asked if I was his new girlfriend and it made my ears really hot.

We finally turned into one of the open doors, the most excited voice calling out yet. “Aron!” She held her arms out open wide for him, and he fell into them gently. His mother was a frail little thing, far too skinny. Her voice was even small, like a mouse’s. Her arms shook, even pressed against his back.

He pulled back, shuffling around so his mother could see me. “I brought a friend today. This is Esme.” He got quiet, and then, “Emma introduced us.”

“Esme? That’s a lovely name. Did you know it means ‘beloved?’ I almost named one of my daughters Esme, but I guess that would’ve made things awkward for you and Aron, huh?” she smiled, and I knew where Aron got his from.

Aron and I chuckled together. I think he wanted to say something, but kept it locked away in the back of his throat.

“He’s told me about this pretty girl he’s been talking to, but I thought he was probably exaggerating. Guess I’ll have to have a little more faith in my baby boy, huh?” There was a glittering in her eyes. You’d never know she was sitting in a wheelchair like a balloon with all the air out of it. She was as full of life as she had been in the pictures back at their house.

“He really said I’m pretty?” I wanted to turn and face him, see his reaction, but I felt too squirmish, like there were worms in my belly.

His mother nodded. “He did.”

The room became quiet. There were a lot of quiet pauses in my life.

“I thought she should meet you. I thought you guys would really get along,” Aron finally spoke up, unable to look me in the eyes. I couldn’t tell in the dim lighting of the room, but maybe his cheeks were as flush as mine were.

“I like her already. Bring her around again sometime.” Suddenly, something on the counter caught her eye. One of the pictures sitting in the shade. “Did you get ahold of Hannah or…”

“No… they still aren’t returning my calls.”

“Those daughters of mine,” she sighed, Aron’s eyes falling to the floor.

She fixed her hair, changing the atmosphere of the room. “Well, in any case, bring Esme around more often. Don’t ignore her like you did with Minhyun and Ren and the others. You need people your age around you, Aron.”

“I was just too busy, mom, it’s fine,” distress lined the words, like sirens under his breath.

“Don’t do that to me, Aron, you know I can see right through you. You self-sabotage.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, a little unsure if I should.

“It’s nothing, Esme,” Aron said before his mother could explain.

She gave him a look, then locked eyes with me. “He obviously doesn’t want me to tell you about it, but just as a warning, don’t let him just drop you. Don’t let him just disappear.”

I thought her words over for a moment, sure Aron was praying to whoever he thought would listen that I wouldn’t pry further. “That’s impossible, ma’am, I know where he sleeps.”

His mother chuckled, relieved. “Well, good then.”

 

《┄ ✝ ┄》

 

The sun was already starting to fall below the ocean, the birds coming down to the land to pick up the last of the droppings from beachgoers. The salty breeze tickled my bare arms, brought goose-bumps towards the surface and chills through my bones. I’d left my bag and my blankets back at Aron’s house, and it was too late to head back that way.

“I wonder how bad I’m gonna get yelled at when I go home,” I mumbled, holding my arms and trying to smoothe out the goosebumps.

“Don’t go home alone. I’ll take you back there to get some things. You should stay with me instead. I don’t want you to go back there.”

“I don’t think it’s that easy, Aron.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t.”

I dropped my arms and our hands brushed against each other; I didn’t realize we were walking so closely. His fingers weakly gathered mine in his hand, sliding over them and I felt the nerves tickle up my arms like smooth eels in my blood. He never took complete hold of my hand, just let his fingers play with mine as we walked. Like he were entertaining the idea. Flirting with the idea.

Making our way up the hill, he put his hand on the small of my back. Lead me up the steep earth, supported me. I felt like I could climb mountains and challenge bears.

At the top of the hill, I was shivering again, holding my arms to smoothe out the goosebumps. I didn’t even have to ask, he came over and wrapped his jacket around me.

“But you’ll be cold.”

“I’ll be fine, I’m used to it. You’re freezing. I’m sorry it smells.”

“It smells like you.”

“Ouch.”

“No,” my voice was soft, small, “I like the way you smell.”

“Yeah?”

I couldn’t clarify my answer, just froze with our eyes locked. Why did I suddenly feel like I was underwater again? Like I was swimming and dizzy?

“I meant it though,” he fell into his chair, “I don’t want you to go back.”

“I don’t either,” I whispered.

There was yelling in my head, like the waves against the sharp rocks at the bottom of the cliff. Strained smiles and broken glass. The broken glass became Aron’s family photo with the life and the laughter. The photo was broken into a million pieces, but the life still poured out. And I cried.

“Aron, it’s not fair,” my voice was strained, like fingernails desperate for freedom.

“What’s wrong, Esme?” He leaned forward, voice like the coo of a mother.

I was fighting with sobs and the rivers of tears that threatened to drown me. “Like, my parents are so mean but we’re all still together going strong but your family has been torn apart and you’re all good people. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be this way and I hate it.”

“My family isn’t perfect, Esme. Not by a long shot,” his voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it over my crackling one. He reached out, wrapped his arms around me tight, and my ears met with that heartbeat again.

“Not like that, I mean—”

“I know what you mean, Esme. I know.” His fingers were in my hair, and it felt like all the pain that had rushed to my head was sliding down like cool water. “It’s okay, though.” He took a deep breath, held me just a little bit tighter, like he wanted me to sink into him. “I’m not letting you go back there. Not alone. Not ever again.”

I let all my tears fall into him, let myself breathe in his scent and let his heartbeat lull me into this half-sleep that left me groggy and limp. This was the only place I felt safe.

“You’re the only person that’s ever done this for me,” I finally admitted, breathing him in deep, letting my arms find his back and hold on gently. I’d become far too tired to give him more than a ghost’s embrace. I’d cried most of the life out of me.

“If you let me, I can do it all the time. Whenever you need me.”

“I think I’ll always need you.”

I didn’t realize how intimate it’d sounded. I turned to look at him, pins in my toes and heart trying to claw its way from my hollow chest. The palm of his hand brushed against my cheek, thumb rubbing gently under my eyes to pull away leftover tears. I went through breathing exercises in my head, but I couldn’t translate any of the words. There was no time to prepare for his soft lips against mine, like a satin sheet skimming over skin. It was slow, gentle. Hesitant. Before it wasn’t possible, but I let myself fall into him even further. I don’t think I was even holding my own body up anymore. His kiss was warm, everything about him was warm. Like a home. This was home.

 

《┄ ✝ ┄》

 

Maybe it wasn’t real. Sleep fogged my vision, my memory. The only thing certain that morning was the pain in my neck, my chin having fallen into my chest as I sank against the stone. I was still wrapped up snug, tucked in. His scent still lingered in the jacket, but I couldn’t find the lines of his fingers or the echoes of his heartbeat. It was only me and Emma.

Don’t let him disappear on you.

It sounded like rattlesnakes in my ears, beating against my temples.

“You’re awake.”

Fresh air. He was sitting next to the fence, breathing in the ocean air deep. I could practically see it filling him up, ready to spill out from his mouth.

“And you’re up early.”

It was like he didn’t even hear me.

“Did you want to go visit your mom again? Or try calling your sisters?”

He shook his head slowly. “No…” his voice was quiet. Emotionless.

“Do you want me to go home?” I don’t know why I offered; it was the last thing I wanted to do.

He shook his head again. “No.”

“What’s wrong?”

No matter how I tilted my head or adjusted my gaze, I couldn’t get him to look back at me. He was shutting down and shutting me out. There was a sound-proof barrier between the two of us and I had no weapons to fight it.

“Still just tired,” he replied, eyes falling to the ground.

Slowly, I reached out to his hanging fingers. Let them brush against his and hope for a reaction. They twitched, and I knew he was still alive in there.

“Do you need anything?”

His fingers still dangled there, brushing against mine. He was limp, unmoving. Falling in on himself. Withering away. I think he was floating somewhere on that ocean surface, hoping the waves would carry him far off and away. He was too tired to keep swimming. Defeated.