Warning! Mention of self-abuse/eating disorders/full wordvomit

Blue hues and petals decorate the green bushes, petite and soft hands touching the flowers that flutter under her touch. She smiles and hums to a tune, with her long hair that should be annoying her by flying straight onto her face, but it doesn’t. Instead she seems ignores it, and basks in the sun instead, reflecting summer around her. There’s salt water running through the air, it’s the beginning of summer, and she’s always the happiest during summer. “Blue Hydrangea,” she says to her softly, making sure to direct the said flower underneath Seulgi’s nose. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she continued, not really expecting a reply because she’ll be too distracted to pay attention to her answer.

But as usual she answers either way because Joohyun likes it when she speaks, she told her that when they first met, so she always tried to speak more when around her. “They’re my favorite flowers, you know that,” rolls out easily from her tongue, staring at the small hands that grip on to them so gently, and over to the person holding them, who is again too distracted by the colors to pay attention. The rays of sunset still part themselves on her face, a soft glow in her eyes as her lashes catch a speck of dust or two. She wanted to reach out and take it away because she saw someone do it in a movie once, but she kept her hands in place.

There’s silence running between the two, both of them only hearing the waves hit the shore by the beach and the wind whisk through them both. It’s tranquil, the moment they share on the rocky road with the bikes tossed somewhere along the way. The bushes that occupy what seemed like an endless stretch across the landscape had always caught her attention before, but not as they did now. It was nice to look at them while passing by, but it was nicer to really look at them. She had a feeling that the other felt the same.

Then she lets out another smile, sparks dancing around her light brown eyes. “I’m happy,” Joohyun utters then, sincerely, her happy eyes doing the same smile. “Aren’t you happy?” she asks towards her, maybe because she had to make sure Seulgi wasn’t bored, but she didn’t have to worry. Being with her was never boring, and it probably won’t be anytime soon. She could say that, and reassure her, but she knew they didn’t need that in the moment.

Right now it’s simple, and whatever problem that occurs later can wait. They’re happy right now, and that’s what she replies with, and then they link hands underneath the blistering sun. They don’t step away from where they are standing, and she isn’t sure what this means yet because they are only friends. But they have been friends for a while, and they have held hands many times before, and she always wonders how it would be like to kiss her. So maybe they shouldn’t be friends, it was as simple as that, but she never knew how to take that next step.

“Let’s be happy for a long time, alright?” she says cheerfully in her white summer dress, the one that she likes the most, the one that makes her look young and fresh, and she would say prettier. But then again she had always been pretty in almost everything, so that would almost be an unnecessary comment in its own. They’re happy right now, and that might not last until the sun sets, but she likes to believe that it will. She looks over at her and smiles either way, pushing the thoughts in the back of her mind.

What’s so simple doesn’t always stay, however. That runs through her head that night when she gets back to her own room in her rarely visited family home and sits to look at her window reflection. What was so simple in the evening wasn’t the same in the morning. She doesn’t stop thinking about it, even if she tells herself to. Another line ends up on the page, black ink splattering a bit on the sides, but she doesn’t think it’ll help smudging it more than what it already has become.

It goes a month when they return to the city for college again, and the fleeting memories of lazy summer days and nights transitions to cheap coffee and stressed studying for an exam no one will care about an hour later. Things don’t end up as simple as before, and it strains their friendship because they don’t really have the energy or the time to be together anymore. They’re always busy, and it bothers her more than what she thought. Yet they always find back to each other, Joohyun makes sure of that and Seulgi could never give her up because who else would she have?

A bloody cold night after a party a friend of a friend of Joohyun held they walk down the road. Both had given up on getting a taxi because no one seemed to stop for them, and they have no idea when the next buss would arrive, and so they walk down. Seulgi keeps holding onto Joohyun’s heels, because she always wore heels to make herself look taller beside her, and she also lets the shorter hold onto her arm. They’re both a bit drunk, though she sobered up way faster than Joohyun, and she had to make sure they didn’t both wobble off the pavement.

There are lights blinking beside them, above them, some city lights not working while others were shining too brightly. It’s an autumn night and the city isn’t as scorching as the island they came from anymore. The wind is merciless on them, nothing covering up their bare legs except for a pair of thin stockings.

It doesn’t stop her from singing on the top of her lungs, high heels swaying in the wind as she still clings onto her arm. The younger of the two has no idea on what song she’s yelling out to, but it makes her voice crack and then Joohyun giggles hoarsely. It makes her smile a bit, even though she should be annoyed because her head keeps spinning a hundred miles a minute, and she’s sure that the other will wake up with a pounding headache and not remember a single thing. “Are you happy?” Joohyun asks after she’s done giggling, and the youngest only looks straight ahead.

A moment passes and the light goes from green to yellow to red, and then the cycle goes backwards. When they cross the road she lets her step falter for a simple moment, then she straightens up because she doesn’t want to have them fall. She ponders about the question, because she’s not unhappy right now. She was when she woke up, but that’s nothing new, and it lasted through the course of the day until they ended up at the party and Joohyun complimented her on her dress. Then Seulgi had smiled, and she’s not sure if she became warm because of the alcohol or her, but she felt better nevertheless. The sadness disappeared briefly then, and now she’s not unhappy.

She nods although she’s not sure if she means it, but as long as she doesn’t feel empty or heavy, she guesses it’s a good sign. And she likes the smile that graces Joohyun’s lips and maybe that makes everything really feel okay. It’s not the same as Joohyun gives all the others, which she has noticed, but they have been friends for years. They would continue being friends, so she hoped, unless she got tired of Seulgi and really, that won’t end up in a great way.

Then they come to a halt by a junction, and right underneath that annoying light that always seem to flicker like a strobe light, which made her head spin a bit more than what it already did. It’s late and they should be getting back to their warm dorm so they could nurse off those hangovers a couple of hours later, but they don’t move, and Joohyun is much closer than what she registered at first. Close enough for alcohol scented breath to mingle with her breath, along with artificial strawberries from some gum, and she’s still holding onto her arm, although her body is much closer.

They stay quiet for a moment before she smiles softly; looking up at her while her body still sways a bit drunkenly. “Do you think I’m pretty?” she asks then, and although she doesn’t slur as much as she did before there’s still a bit of it left behind. Seulgi opens to reply, but she never gets around to it because she gets interrupted by the asker herself. “I think you’re eyes are pretty, and your lips, and your entire everything really,” she says and Seulgi doesn’t know what’s up with the sudden compliments. But Joohyun is drunk and she’s always affectionate, but even more so when alcohol has been in her system.

“Why would I think you weren’t pretty?” she asks back instead, but she knows the answer. Everyone thought she was pretty, beautiful even, and boys dropped to their knees in a chance to score a date with her. Just even a bit of attention seemed to be enough for them, and many girls envy her because she has that power. And she has the personality; she’s fun and lively and kind and she does have her flaws, but she’s still overall a good person. There’s more to her than just pretty, there’s a whole book that could be written, but she only concludes with that she is because again, none of them would remember this in the morning. It doesn’t matter on what she says because it will be forgotten.

That’s why Seulgi doesn’t take the following kiss so seriously, even if her lips are hot against hers and it’s hard and they almost fall on their asses. It’s because they’re so out of it that she doesn’t think about how uncoordinated it is or how they’re standing in public, even if no one is around, and she just grips onto her so she could steady them. It’s nice despite the sloppiness and the fact that they’re not really them, but Seulgi knows that she’ll remember this one because it leaves her heart pounding harder than her head. And there’s this intense pressure and tension that just vanishes in the air that moment, and it’s nice, and she tries not to think too much about it because they were just friends.

When they wake up in the morning no one mentions it, and she assumes that she doesn’t remember because she was too drunk to remember anything except before she began drinking. That’s what she says at least, although she’s not sure if she’s supposed to believe it, Seulgi lets her either way because it’s easier that way.

Seulgi sits by the desk as she hears the door shut, because Joohyun headed to class that day despite her hungover-self. And she’s alone when she looks at the blank paper, watching another line grace the rest of them in an image she can’t really make out, but she guess it doesn’t matter because she can’t understand anything that’s going on in her head.

The next time they sit on the last train home, because Joohyun wanted to visit this new club that was opening and it was really far away. Seulgi could say no and she probably would have, but the pleading look in her eyes makes her surrender faster than what she likes to admit. And they end up there for both of them to dance, party, drink and grind underneath the colorful lights. She’s not sure how they ended up in this position, and she tries to ignore the hands on her waist that seem to want to go beneath the tank-top she’s wearing, but they don’t go anywhere else and maybe that’s good.

A couple of hours after midnight they sit on the last train, and the wagon they occupy is empty and void for anyone. Seulgi sits with her leather boots on the seat across, and again Joohyun took off her shoes to have them lie on the floor because she complained how the heels made her feet hurt. Seulgi only told her to stop using them, but then again she never listened, because that wouldn’t be Joohyun.

They share a flask of some whisky that Joohyun had brought with her, and it’s not a lot left and it’s probably for the best. She had begun to sober up before that, but with the alcohol making her warm she felt herself slip more and more from reality. So she likes to think that the kiss on her neck is unintentional, and her jaw, and her lips, and her own hands touching hot skin and lacy fabric. She’s not sure when it starts or when it stops, but eventually the only thing left is smudged lipstick and disheveled clothes and maybe they’d forget about it in the morning. They’re drunk and they should still be and she doesn’t even want to think about it and yet here they sit on the train, the white light above them on uncomfortable seats.

When she lays on her bed that break of dawn, hearing the soft snores from the woman on top of her who she just made out with less than an hour ago, she wonders if she’s going to remember or forget it again. Because her heart still pounds and she feels like she’s about to throw up, but in a good way because it leaves her bubbly and nervous from a good kind of nerves. It made little sense to her, but it is okay because she knows that everything doesn’t have to make sense. And she feels like drawing another line in her book, and eventually she’ll get around to doing it, but right now she shuts her eyes to fall asleep, because that had been easier lately.

She knows that she has problems, and Joohyun doesn’t pretend to know that she doesn’t know about Seulgi’s problems. They discussed it before, and she knows about the shrink and the doctor and they’re still friends. Joohyun is still there, through every up and down, even if things always seem to go down more often than up. No one really knows what made Seulgi like this; not even she herself knows. Joohyun doesn’t pretend to know, but she understands because she rarely pries into it. She’s always happy anyway, so having that positivity being spread into her life’s probably a good thing or else she probably would’ve gone mad.

But she knows that even if Joohyun is happy, she isn’t really happy. Because she spends a lot of time in the bathroom recently and Seulgi doesn’t know what she’s doing in there, but she has a feeling that it’s something she won’t like so she never checks. She just waits until Joohyun emerges from the bathroom, and she looks paler and ghostly, and it appears as if someone the life out of her during those moments. Yet Seulgi doesn’t say anything because Joohyun still looks beautiful in a twisted way, and the face only lasts for a minute before the happy façade is back on, and they usually don’t talk about it.

They usually don’t talk about it, but one night when she stands in front of Joohyun to see the bruised skin underneath her eyes and her thin wrists, she doesn’t stay quiet. She just looks at her, and Joohyun only stares at the wall behind her because she doesn’t want to look into her eyes. And they both know that things can’t go on like this; they can’t be broken and not do anything about it. “I don’t think anyone can love me,” Joohyun states clearly.

Seulgi sighs in that moment because she thinks so, it’s not that hard to like or even love her, but she’s broken and nobody really wants broken people no matter how beautiful they are. “I think someone can,” she says either way, because she knows that she could. Seulgi could although she’s not sure Joohyun wants the same, or if she thinks that way about them at all. The kisses must have meant something, but they were always drunk and out of it, so maybe they don’t mean anything after all.

And Joohyun looks as skinny as a model, but not in the good way because her collarbones were popping out too prominently and her clothes had gotten bigger. She rarely kept her food down nowadays, but Seulgi had no idea on why, and she doesn’t intend on trying to figure it out right now. It takes a minute and another, but eventually Joohyun looks over at her. “You need help,” Seulgi responds instead of anything else to the silence because it’s true.

“So do you,” Joohyun retorts and she’s not lying. Honestly they both need help, only in different ways, because they are two imperfect and damaged human beings that don’t know what to do with themselves. “Did you always realize that I wasn’t always happy?” she asks then and her eyes falter with sadness inside. Maybe that is what makes Joohyun so attractive to her, and maybe she just feels like she likes her because she’s not perfect, but maybe it also was just Joohyun who made her feel like this.

Seulgi finds it in her to sigh before saying the famous words that “it takes one to know one”, and it’s true because she knew that Joohyun had her issues that she didn’t show to the world. She’s better at hiding them though, that Joohyun has, and Seulgi has always been seen as the girl with the dark cloud around her head. But maybe that’s better because at least then she doesn’t have to pretend, and she sees the fade of exhaustion land on Joohyun’s face every day. It’s tough keeping up a façade.

When they turn to go to bed that night, Seulgi feels restless and she guesses that Joohyun does too. Because sooner than later they end up underneath the same covers, tightly pressed together and they don’t say a word. They just hear the city live its way through the night, and the honking cars and the other students who are still up, and their mere existence also fills the room. “You don’t love me as a friend, do you?” Joohyun asks then and she probably knows the answer, because it’s obvious.

“No,” Seulgi says after a while, her hand playing with the strands of Joohyun’s hair as they lay there. “I don’t love you as a friend,” she admits because there is nothing to deny. They both know it although none of them have talked about it, even if they should. And she’s not sure what Joohyun takes of that, but the silence drags on and then she wonders if everything between them was ruined.

Yet she feels something tingle on her lips, soft and warm and tentative because she’s shy. Yet it creates sparks on its own, and her hand ends up on her waist and they move in a slow sync, just to get used to the feeling. It’s good and nice and they’re both actually sober and maybe it’s supposed to mean something. At least it should, because they were actually close like this without having the excuse of not remembering. “I don’t love you as a friend either,” Joohyun simply says and that mostly explains it, and she feels happy. She feels so damn happy that she just smiles, and it strains her cheeks and lips because she’s not used to smiling as much, and she lets Joohyun hold her tightly that night. Maybe this relationship could save them both, because maybe it wasn’t love yet, but it would be eventually.

Things get better after a while; Joohyun gains weight and she looks even more radiant than ever. Her clothes seem to fit again, and the bruises that used to form beneath her eyes disappear until they rarely come back. She stops using so much time in the bathroom, and they go out more and they kiss more without having to feel bad about it. Seulgi feels lighter and smiles more often, the cold exterior slowly crumbling each day and even more people begin to approach her, as if she was a totally different person than before, and she feels that things did turn for the better.

Maybe they don’t need help, but only each other, because that helped them in many ways. At least Seulgi felt that it helped, being able to love and being loved all at once was a greater feeling than she ever had experienced in her entire life. It honestly doesn’t matter for her anymore as long as she gets to feel the happiness she feels now, although she always used to believe that what was so simple in the evening wasn’t in the morning.

Yet the downfalls arrive too, in forms of heated arguments and intense fights that usually involve a slap there or a shove there. Sometimes they don’t even seem to know why they are arguing, but they do because it seems like it’s all they can do somedays. It scares Seulgi to know that one day, just one day, one argument can ruin everything and quickly become the last one, and she doesn’t want that. Not that she wants to argue, but she doesn’t want it to end even if they were so rocky with one another. “Stop nagging at me all the ing time,” Joohyun yells from one side of the bathroom, the digital weight on the floor and the aftermath of vomit lingering in the air from the harsh smell.

Seulgi feels like crying if she just thinks about the things Joohyun is putting her body through, because she already noticed the back fall when she thought things became better. “I’m just worried,” Seulgi says although it doesn’t come out gently, but rather harsh and demanding because that’s all she can manage in that moment. She knows that things can end up pretty badly again, she just knows. Because Joohyun who looked so much better in the evenings now seemed to struggle to eat by day, and if she did, she just threw it up again. “I don’t want you to live a life like that.”

The only response she gets is Joohyun’s scoff, and she throws the toothbrush on the sink as her thin arms lean on the wall, as if trying to calm herself down although things could turn pretty violent if they got any closer. It always did and she had no idea on why; sometimes the hits felt like harsh kisses, and that itself should be a warning sign, but she always did the same so towards Joohyun, and they probably couldn’t be saved. “Who cares about how I end up like? Who cares if I even exist?” she gets around saying, and it makes the blood in Seulgi’s veins boil.

“Don’t I mean anything to you?” Seulgi tries not to shout. “I care about your existence and your being, and I don’t want you gone, doesn’t that mean to you?” she continues without missing a beat and she tries so, so hard not to get closer. Yet her steps bring her there one by one until she’s gripping onto Joohyun’s thin arms, much thinner than a couple of weeks ago, as if to shake that thought into her head. And red was probably seething through her own eyes, but she only saw the surprise and the hurt and the rage reflecting on Joohyun’s before she got pushed away.

It’s icy and the tension smothers the air in their small bathroom, and the morning makes the city awaken as the sunrise drifts through their tiny window. And things that were so much easier before become tougher again, because this is destructive and they both know it, and then Joohyun is out the door and Seulgi is all alone.

Usually Seulgi is the one who comes back because she’s the one who doesn’t hold a grudge, but this time things don’t go as easy. And she doesn’t even know why, but maybe she just wants Joohyun to come to her and not the other way around. It’s not as if they could avoid each other forever, and the sun sets and sooner or later Joohyun will be back. Even if Seulgi sits by her desk, drawing another line, and worrying for the fact that Joohyun might never return after all, even if it’s an illogical thought.

She doesn’t register when she falls asleep that night, but it takes her heavy and tired eyes to flutter by the sound of footsteps and soon enough Seulgi’s head rises from the desk. She could feel some dried drool on the edge of her lips, and she managed to wipe it off before she turned to see a small bunch of flowers in front of her. There’s a pale and small hand holding onto the small flower bouquet, soft and warm, and Seulgi finds herself looking up at the holder of them. “Blue Hydrangea,” Seulgi utters softly, and she doesn’t know how Joohyun got them or why she did it to begin with.

Joohyun stays quiet before putting them down, muttering something slowly before finally looking into Seulgi’s eyes. She just has the same expression, which is void for any emotion, but soon enough she lets the corner of her lips crack up a smile, and she wonders how tired she must be when she fakes smiles on a daily routine. Yet this time it’s sincere, Seulgi can just feel it, because it’s not the same as the ones Joohyun gives everyone else, because it reaches her eyes fully. It’s not a huge smile, it’s barely there actually, but it’s still there.

Then a moment passes again before soft lips end up on hers, and they move slowly, and then Seulgi slowly speaks because she has a feeling that Joohyun won’t.  “Blue Hydrangea can mean a lot of things,” she shares then to Joohyun’s amusement, but she doesn’t seem to stop there. “But mostly it means sincerity, and I’m sincere when I say that I love you despite your flaws, Joohyun.”

The smile that lit up her eyes only grows, and she probably understood although she was the one who brought the flowers. “Then I sincerely love you despite your flaws, too,” Joohyun says and she sounds lighter, and she doesn’t look too tired anymore, and maybe things were going back up again.

And sure, maybe things will still be rocky and they’ll part somehow because two damaged people can only old on for so long. But right now they are happy, and they’ll sleep in the same bed and kiss and be together, and they will think about other things sooner or later.

But right now they are happy.