Seulgi is sixteen when she falls in love for the first time.

 

A girl by the name of Wendy Son - straight off the plane from Canada with an adorably imperfect Korean accent and a penchant for Northface jackets - is her tablemate for the year.

 

It’s starts off like any other friendship would. It’s ‘can I borrow a pen?’ and ‘what was the homework again?’ until it’s talking for hours upon hours about their favorite variety shows and idols.

 

They giggle, gossip, eat together during lunch, and practice the guitar together on Tuesdays. On some weekends, it’s to the mall, or to their favorite frozen yogurt spot down the street from Wendy’s apartment complex.

 

It’s sometime in-between the normality when things start to spiral out of friendship territory and into something else, something more.

 

Seulgi can’t pinpoint the exact moment it begins. The moment she starts looking a little too forward to linking arms on the way to classes. Or when her heart starts to pound so hard it’s on the verge of bursting out of her chest whenever Wendy leans in a little too close for comfort.

 

When it starts becoming less about a conversation and more about Wendy’s elbow brushing up against her arm, burning her skin, leaving her addicted for more contact.

 

The shine in Wendy’s eyes never seems to go away. When she smiles, Seulgi feels like she is being blinded by the sun.

 

The feeling of attraction is gradual, almost unnoticeable at first, like snow falling inch by inch until Seulgi is buried in it and can’t dig her way out.

 

Wendy, she decides, is stupidly smart, stupidly talented, stupidly kind. And stupidly beautiful.  Maybe the most beautiful girl she has ever known.

 

She was head over heels.

 

The realization hits her like a ton of bricks, leaving her breathless.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Seulgi is sixteen when she experiences heartbreak for the first time.

 

Wendy has her entire body pressed up against Seulgi’s by the end of some unquestionably terrible romcom. The blue ends of her hair tickle Seulgi’s nose as a soft, low snore emits from her sleeping body, filling the room.

 

Seulgi smiles. Wendy’s hair smells fruity, like melons. She stares at the curve of the girl’s neck, the sharp angle of her jawline, the slow heaving of her chest.

 

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

 

This is what heaven would smell like, she thinks. Melons. And whatever detergent Wendy uses that clings endlessly to her skin.

 

Seulgi is careful to lift herself off the couch, as to not wake up her friend, and then rearranges Wendy’s tangled body into a comfortable sleeping position. She sits herself on the adjacent recliner.

 

Whoever was good enough to deserve Wendy would be the luckiest, most blessed person in the world.

 

And after that thought, Seulgi blinks.

 

And blinks.

 

And blinks.

 

The ache of unprofessed love was becoming all consuming, too unbearable to keep in. When she closes her eyes, all she can see is Wendy’s eyes, nose, lips, ears.

 

In this moment, the timing seems very right.

 

She breathes, in and out, staring at the ceiling, looking for any sort of sign. Any sort of sign that would convince her to wait another day, another month, wait so long she wouldn’t be able to confess her stupid feelings at all.

 

Eventually, she decides it’s now or never. The finality of her decision is surprising, even to herself. There is no negotiating with the feeling. Adrenaline pumps through her veins as she pulls out a paper and pen from her backpack.

 

In retrospect, it was a terrible decision.

 

But when someone (Seulgi) has fallen deep into the inescapable black hole that is love (Wendy), never will it be logic above impulse.

 

When Wendy wakes up later in the night, Seulgi is nowhere to be seen. She spots a note left on the recliner. Wendy opens it with a grin on her face that would later fall.

 

xxx

 

Hey Wen,

 

I just wanted to let you know that by the time you read this letter, I’ve probably made it back home. I know we were going to eat dinner at your place, but my mom wanted me back, and I didn’t want to wake you up because you were straight up knocked out. You big sleepyhead.

 

Anyway, this is sort of out of nowhere, and please don’t be surprised. I’m putting everything on the line by confessing this, but I want to tell you that I sort of have feelings for you. I mean, I don’t know if I could ever tell you this in person. I almost did a couple times, but I’m a big chicken, and I know I’m too shy to ever confess to you in person. I think I would’ve driven myself crazy if I kept this in any longer.

 

I like you Wendy. I like you a lot. And even if you can’t return my feelings, I just want you to know that you’re a really great person. And if you don’t feel the same way, I really hope we can still be friends, because I don’t want to lose you.

 

See you tomorrow,

Your friend Seulgi

 

xxx

 

When Seulgi arrives at school the next morning, a boy with two lines shaved into his eyebrow calls her a dyke in the hallway. When she goes to pull her textbooks out of her locker, a group of upperclass girls glare at her.

 

Wendy isn’t by the stairs near the library, where she would always be waiting. Wendy isn’t anywhere to be seen actually, and when Seulgi paces around, searching for the only person in the world she wants to see, everyone is staring.

 

Seulgi’s heart burns. Everything is ed up. So ed up.

 

It’s the thought of her best friend breaking her trust more than the evident rejection that has her running into a restroom, tears threatening to spill like anchors. She spends ten minutes in an empty stall, sobbing.

 

Seulgi still has faint pink rings around her eyes by the time she walks into her homeroom. Wendy is already sitting at her desk. The air is thick when she walks through the aisles to her seat.

 

They sit there shoulder to shoulder until the bell rings, neither girl breaking the silence. Seulgi focuses intently on the blank notebook in front of her. Wendy clicks her pen anxiously. The room is quieter than usual, everyone hyperaware of the two of them, and when the teacher walks in, he makes a snide comment about how quiet the room is.

 

“Wendy," Seulgi whispers during the lecture. It’s sudden, words finally letting go from the tip of her tongue. “We really need to talk.”

 

She looks straight into Seulgi’s eyes, expression a little sad, a little terrified. “Okay.”

 

When they make their way to the school’s rooftop, Wendy gathers the courage to speak first.

 

“Seulgi, I’m sorry-”

 

“I can’t believe you did this to me,” Seulgi trembles, struggling to level her voice, “I can’t believe you would…I can’t believe you would tell the whole school…I can’t believe my best friend…”

 

Wendy looks like she is utterly at a lost for words.

 

“Seulgi…I can explain…”

 

“Explain what, huh?!” Seulgi yells, tears spilling down her cheeks, “Explain how you can just go ahead and out me to the entire school! Explain how you could be so selfish!”

 

“Seulgi, I’m sorry,” Wendy repeats herself, pity and pain overwhelming her own thoughts, “I didn’t mean for this to happen…I-”

 

The bell that signifies the start of their next period rings.

 

Wendy loses her train of thought, choosing to close her eyes instead. Her lip trembles.

 

Seulgi stands motionless.

 

“I’m sorry.” She begins again. “I shouldn’t have told Sooyoung about the letter. I just...I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I was so confused about my feelings, too. I had to talk to someone, anyone, and Sooyoung was awake at the time and she’s a good advice giver and, man, I should’ve known she was going to tell people. She can’t keep secrets. I forgot. I just. I didn’t think it through.” Wendy is babbling, hands motioning everywhere in an attempt to gather her feelings.

 

Seulgi is quiet. The fact that Wendy didn’t spread the rumors has her breathing a small sigh of relief. She could take people looking at her differently. She doesn’t think she could take betrayal from the person she trusts the most.

 

Regardless, the air is awkward. Face-to-face, with barely a meter to separate them, Seulgi can tell they are both thinking.

 

“Seulgi,” Wendy says, very quiet this time, “I’m really, really sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Seulgi decides.

 

“It is. It’s my fault I was scared. It’s my fault I told somebody else.” She walks a few steps closer to take Seulgi’s hands into her own. Seulgi lets her.

 

“I’m sorry,” she repeats. Wendy is so close.

 

“Stop saying sorry.”

 

“No, I’m sorry.”

 

“You weren’t the one who spread-“

 

“I’m sorry that I can’t like you back.”

 

The air is still. The sky is very blue. There are telephone lines crisscrossing around everywhere when Seulgi looks past Wendy and at the city horizon.

 

She had expected this, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

 

“Okay,” she says simply. “That’s okay.”

 

Wendy eyes her carefully. Seulgi is sure she’ll break down if she meets her gaze. The sun halos Wendy’s body, fittingly so, like she shined.

 

“But I’ll always be your friend. Your best friend. I promise this doesn’t change anything.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Seulgi, are you alright?”

 

“Yeah,” her voice is coarse, “I’ll be fine.”

 

Wendy pulls her in for an embrace. Wendy’s perfume is intoxicating. The gentleness of her touch, her sympathy, it’s all too much.

 

“Don’t cry. I’ll always be here. We’ll get through this together.”

 

“I know.” Wendy is stupidly kind. She reminds herself. Stupidly stupidly stupidly kind and loyal that she almost wants to hate her for it. “I know you’ll always be here. That’s what makes this hard.”

 

Wendy purses her lips, choosing her next words carefully.

 

“Seulgi, you are my best friend.”

 

Wendy finds her hand again and squeezes it.

 

The words finally settle in. Wendy is her best friend. As long as she was happy, as long as she was here, things would be okay.

 

Seulgi can finally break out a small smile.

 

“So are you.”