one last smile

“Let’s break up.”

The words were thrown out into the air, like an off-comment about the weather, but they stilled both their hearts.

“Let’s break up, Hongbin.”

The situation did not call for such a dire thought. Hakyeon and Sanghyuk were in the smaller bedroom, studying Japanese for their upcoming promotions. Wonshik was lurking around in the kitchen, looking for a snack to eat before composing, and Jaehwan was in heard in the bathroom singing his heart out. Hongbin was sat on the couch, reading a book held by one hand, the other hand tangled into Taekwoon’s hair. Taekwoon was lying across the couch face down, his head resting on his arms, which were resting on Hongbin’s lap. A common site for the two of them, at least in respect of the members and manager. A secret sort of love, one may call it, though the name may be thrown away as of now.

Hongbin hadn’t registered the words clearly until the second calling. His mind stopped processing the printed words, leaving his eyes repeatedly darting across the page. “Hyung? What do you mean?”

A hand held Hongbin’s wrist, while another one pulled the book down. Hongbin noticed how cold they were. Taekwoon sat up, so he wasn’t on top of Hongbin anymore, though he sat close enough to seem like he did. “As I said, Hongbin. Let’s break up.”

“But hyung, you must be joking? After all that trouble to get manager-hyung to allow us to date, you want to break up now? It hasn’t even been three months. Did I do something wrong?”

Taekwoon’s eyes met Hongbin’s frantic ones. He knew this was coming, first the fleeting looks of uncertainty and confusion, then the dark shade of understanding, and then the dampness of despair. He’s been in his situation before, but that didn’t help with softening the atmosphere.

Taekwoon, as the more mature of the couple, had been thinking it over. His heart may beat a little faster around Hongbin, his gaze might always pull his way, and his mind might go hazy with love at the thought of him, but no matter the value of such things, it just cannot happen. Whether it be society, or the idol life, or just plain fate, he realized staying this close to Hongbin is simply leading both of them to a fool’s paradise, until something goes wrong and they both suffer the consequences. And so, he thought, it’s better to nip the issue in the bud.

He’s tried explaining to Hongbin the risks of their relationship, that it’s very unlike others he’s had. The young boy was too immature, just shaking it off with a nod of his head, as though Taekwoon was rather asking him if he wanted ramen for dinner. There was no way to actually show Hongbin what can happen without facing the true effects. He had to find another reason to prevent any misfortunes from happening, to whatever extent.

“I don’t like you anymore.”

Taekwoon suppressed his instinct to flinch at such a comment, and he can hear two hearts crack just a little further. There was no other choice, though, so he went on.

“I started dating you because I thought I liked you. I thought I loved you. It was a war of hormones, simply put. I realized you weren’t as interesting afterwards. I thought you’d be different from the Lee Hongbin I see every day. You’re not. It’s boring.”

Taekwoon let his heart slip into the persona well known by others as Leo. The cold, silent guy, who cares for no one. He couldn’t handle the sound of his heart breaking, regardless how psychological it is, and thus made himself another person. He’s had much experience in this act, but the wall wasn’t as strong as it usually is. The sharp sounds are only muffled.

Hongbin can feel his mind churning, taking the individual words to find meaning, and putting them into a sequence of a thought. And then the thoughts become ideas, and then the ideas become emotions, and then the emotions became reality. He wasn’t good enough. The one problem he was so scared of, spent nights lying rigid in Taekwoon’s arms thinking about how to overcome his biggest disadvantage, and now he’s standing face-to-face with it. He’s too average, too ordinary, too boring.

He wants to cry. He probably will, too, but he can’t bring himself to right now. Maybe it was all the nights he spent feeling tears drip down his face from all the fans’ comments about his averageness. Maybe his heart finally learned to numb the hurt, or maybe he cried his eyes dry. He’s glad, to some extent, after seeing the expectant look in Taekwoon’s dark eyes, and he’s not going to give it to him. If he’s going to let his hyung break his heart, at least he can do it with some dignity.

So he smiles. With every ounce of anything left in his heart, he lets his face form a mask of happiness, though the other emotions are clearly drawn out in his eyes. And he acts like a good boy, like his mother would always ask of him. “Okay, hyung.”

Taekwoon, no, Leo, goes blank. The boy is smiling. His walls crumble at the sight, and he can clearly hear the shattering sound of his heart breaking. What he doesn’t hear is the sound of Hongbin’s heart disappearing through the smile, leaving behind a plastic imitation of human emotions.

“Okay?”

Hongbin doesn’t stop smiling, and says, “Yes, okay, hyung. If you say so, let’s break up. I’m sorry for not being exciting.”

Taekwoon just watches Hongbin. He loves him even more now, if that’s possible, but it’s useless. All the love does is grind the broken pieces of his heart into dust, blowing them around in his empty chest.

“Okay.” And he leaves to go to bed, with only one thought left in his head.

The boy was smiling.

***

It had been one-and-a-half years since Hongbin adopted a new heart, and Taekwoon was left with remnants of his old one. They went back to how they acted before anything came up. On camera, Taekwoon was Leo, and he stood watching the others from afar, silent and bold. Hongbin was the sweet angel that everyone always overlooked, and sometimes they would lock gazes and exchange words and touches for the fans. At the dorm, they went around as Lee Hongbin, the hard-working, strong, pretty member of VIXX, and Taekwoon went around as the tall member who sang, acted too much like a cat, and nagged a little too much at times. The members saw the absent touches, and assumed what had happened. As Taekwoon had thought, the manager breathed a little easier from not having to worry over the public. They built each other up to reach their potential. VIXX went on to be a band as they all had sought to be.

There were only two differences. Taekwoon’s empty heart now rang and echoed of pure sadness, while Hongbin’s eyes reflected the absence of a true heart or soul.

***

It was only years later, after VIXX became #1, after Hongbin committed suicide from the pressure, after their disbandment, after Taekwoon became a husband and a father, after the glory behind their name had faded, did he realize.

He was immature. He had thought of the future instead of the present. He hadn’t even tested out his theories.

That night, he killed Hongbin himself.