Jongdae has nothing to complain about in his life. He has a nice office job as an event manager, in his spare time he works on his music and he often is presented with a chance to perform at the local pub. He also has a wonderfully accepting family and group of friends. When he had come out to the world everyone he knew and was close with had been understanding to which he was very grateful. In his group of friends himself, Chanyeol and Baekhyun were gay when Junmyeon and Yixing were straight. They went out together, had fun, laughed and cried. They shared everything and between them it felt more like being brothers rather than friends. Some of them (Jongdae, Baekhyun and Junmyeon) had known each other from their early teens. Yixing was added to the group when he came to korea on a scholarship and decided to make his stay permanent when he graduated. He hadn’t wanted to leave the group he had grown so close to. Chanyeol was a recent addition since he was Baekhyun’s boyfriend. He was included quickly and loved instantly by the rest of the group. Chanyeol was very honest, outgoing and goofy which fit perfectly in their dynamic. Because of their relationship Jongdae had found the courage to come out as gay to their friends. If they were okay with Baekhyun and Chanyeol they would be too with him.

Only between homouals there was one rule; Never fall in love with a straight guy. He had broken that rule even before he fully knew that he was gay. In order for you to know whether or not you’re gay you have to be attracted, or have romantic feelings for someone. Jongdae had been developing romantic feelings for a guy, felt attracted to one and had never felt that way about girls. It started out very slowly by admiring the way that person looked, from just thinking the guy is handsome, to being enchanted by the sparkle in his eyes when he was excited about something, to seeing no flaw in their outer appearance. It had gone that way with the person’s personality as well. It had started out as a small admiration of the guy’s caring nature, his motivation to make something of himself, his ability to make others comfortable and his incredibly high intelligence. The small admiration had grown bigger and bigger turning into respect and lately Jongdae had caught himself thinking the man was simply flawless inside and out. Of course he knew the guy wasn’t without flaws. Sometimes he could be a bit arrogant or too blunt therefore hurting someone in the process but it was something that Jongdae could deal with. He saw behind the flaws in him and looked at the bigger picture which was certainly more than positive. It frustrated him that the guy he fell in love with was straight, and what was even more dangerous was that it was one of his best friends. He still remembered that day when he knew for sure that he had fallen in love with Junmyeon.

// All of them decided that it was time to unwind from their busy lives, hard jobs and painful responsibilities like paying bills. They opted to go to the zoo for some relaxation and have a look at the baby tigers that had been born a few weeks prior. Tigers were Junmyeon’s favorite animal and he had talked about wanting to see the cubs ever since he knew they had been born. “Nothing is more adorable than baby animals” he had said. Jongdae felt compelled to argue with the rest of the group, pushing this idea onto the rest of the group just to make Junmyeon happy. They had easily agreed (for they all thought Jongdae was being too obvious showing his feelings) because the zoo was always a nice day out but also because they wanted to see what would happen between them.

They picked a beautiful, warm sunday afternoon to take a stroll past different animals, taking their sweet time looking around. Jongdae’s attention was mainly focussed on the map trying to locate where the tigers were situated and mapping out a route for them to take. He didn’t pay attention to the other animals and walked ahead of the group more than once, losing them in the process.

“Ya Jongdae what’s the rush?” Baekhyun chuckled.

“Yeah the animals surely aren’t running away. Look around and enjoy. That’s what we’re here for after all, right?” Yixing added on that. Jongdae had turned around and realised how focussed and isolated he had been throughout their day so far. He had come here to relax and spend time with his friends, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t help it…. much.

“You’re right Yixing, but I want to see those tiger cubs already” he said impatiently, taking his map out again to find their location.

“You mean you want to see them because Junmyeon likes them” Chanyeol said honestly. Jongdae’s eyes grew wide and stuttered that the tall, lanky guy needed to shush (he never ever used the word shush before). Junmyeon thankfully was too busy reading the information near the giraffe’s territory and didn’t hear what was just said.

“If he heard you would be so dead Chanyeol!” Jongdae threatened while Baekhyun and Yixing had to hold on to each other before they fell over laughing.

“Why would you kill me? Isn’t it true that Junmyeon likes them? Why should be keep that hidden from Junmyeon?” Chanyeol countered innocently. The three friends liked to pretend they didn’t know Jongdae was developing feelings and more than often about it. Yeah, why was he this defensive about the fact he didn’t want Junmyeon to know that he wanted to see the tigers quickly? Why did he get the overwhelming urge to kick chanyeol’s shin for opening his big mouth? This feeling was not all too foreign to Jongdae but he was never questioned about his actions, or why he acted the way he did. Granted this was a subtle way of asking but he caught the underlying hint. His friend had been insinuating he felt differently about Junmyeon for quite some time and he wondered why. He didn’t act that differently from the others. It was true he wanted to make Junmyeon happy but he wanted that for the rest of his friends as well.

“I just want to make Junmyeon happy” he said confidently but internally he wasn’t as strong as he sounded.

“You sure go out of your way to make someone this happy. I don’t think you’ve ever done that for me” Baekhyun smartly replied, with a smirk gracing his features. The three of them were on a mission.

“I suppose Junmyeon is special” Yixing added on.

Yes Junmyeon is special were Jongdae’s thoughts. He was his best friend and he felt the most comfortable around him. He enjoyed his hugs the most, he thought Junmyeon was the best at giving advice or solving a problem and his smile was the brightest whenever you made him happy. The older man meant everything to him, and he wanted to be by his side forever. He wanted to always treat him right, to love him and to be loved by him in return. He loves Junmyeon. Oh no…… he loves Junmyeon!!! Jongdae’s eyes widened and his breathing picked up quickly until he couldn’t breathe at all. His chest started to hurt and he grabbed a fistful of his hair. He needed to find a place to sit quickly because he felt his weight growing too large for his legs to carry.

“I think I have to sit down” Jongdae said urgently.

“Boys, we succeeded” Chanyeol exclaimed motioning to high five the other too, but Yixing was too busy trying to calm Jongdae who was now having something that resembled a panic attack. Baekhyun looked at his boyfriend with a look of disapprovement before finding Junmyeon as to not draw too much attention to their plan. They had left the eldest alone for too long.Yixing kept telling Jongdae that it was okay, to breathe in and breathe out slowly. He followed the older’s advice and slowly but surely he had his breathing under control.

“Oh god I am in love with Junmyeon.” he muttered. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it, and he couldn’t understand how this happened. Since when did he think of Junmyeon anything more than just a friend? According to his friends this had been going on for a few months, favoring Junmyeon or only having eyes for him. Jongdae felt guilty that he unconsciously favored one of them. Yixing assured him that there were no hard feeling and that it was actually quite amusing to see him that way.

“Junmyeon must never know” he said to Yixing and Chanyeol.

“Jongdae there’s no way you can keep this hidden. I think you should tell him.” Yixing reasoned and chanyeol agreed.

“Guys come on! He’s straight! There is no way that he would even go for me because I don’t know if you’ve seen it but I am not a female” he said. He was starting to feel frustrated with the whole situation. Junmyeon liked girls, Jongdae wasn’t one. It was as simple as 1+1.

“You never know until you try dae” Yixing concluded. He had to admit that he liked the thought of that. The thought of wooing Junmyeon and making him change his mind and heart. But he didn’t have that much faith. //

He had been working on the goal slowly but steady. He figured that through small gestures, paying more attention to him, make him smile and happy he would achieve his goal to perhaps ignite a spark in Junmyeon’s heart. Often he would offer to make him dinner, they spend more time together away from their group, Jongdae would show up at his work with a fresh cup of mocha latte (which was Junmyeon’s favorite). Little things like that to show his love, and to let Junmyeon know what he felt. But the older still seemed oblivious of the fact that Jongdae was in love with him. So he decided that it was time to come clean and to confess whether or not the feelings were reciprocated. To his luck Valentine’s day was almost upon them in which he could anonymously confess and find out whether or not it made sense to come clean.

Jongdae made a basket of some of Junmyeon’s favorite things such as a certificate for his favorite cafe, banana/chocolate muffins, products from his favorite cosmetics brand and a new load of all the vitamins he uses daily. He also included a letter and cd to be played along with it. On the cd he had recorded himself playing a tune on his guitar that had came to mind while writing the letter. He had thought it out carefully. The basket would be send to his office, then if Junmyeon followed all the instructions he would go to the building’s empty conference room to open the letter and play the cd. Depending on how the older would act he would make up his mind to show himself or not. Nonetheless he would be waiting in the conference room.

// The door to the conference hall open and closed resulting in Jongdae nervously biting his lip. The basket had been delivered and of course Junmyeon had followed the instructions. It would be surprising if he didn’t. He saw his man put the cd into the cdplayer and soon he heard a familiar tune play faintly in the background. Junmyeon had taken a seat on the floor of the small stage, letter in hand. This was it thought Jongdae.

You’re not the remedy I need to cure all of my illnesses. Not my home, my safe haven, my beacon of light. No source of water in the desert to lessen my thirst. No laughter for one of my worst jokes.

You’re not the waterfall that’s clashing down the rocks. Not the most expensive wine that you drink without a hangover. Not the garden full of flowers. Not 1 out of a 100 nights. Not an extending hand to help me when I need it.

No but more than I like to admit… You make all the difference.

You’re not the weak excuse for the person i’d like to be. No dream, no goals, no path to follow. No guarentee for a long and happy life. You’re not the answer when we question our existence. Not the most beautiful symfony for a film called ‘the two of us’. Not the fresh clean sheets that will lessen my burning fever. Not the rhytmn of my heart, not my clearest consience.

But more than I like to admit…. You make all the difference.

Between everything I had and how that all came to life. What is drawn with pencil can be filled with color. Between nothing ever happens and there is so much to experience. Between never and every so often. Between you, me and us. So many singers, so many words. It all needs to be said. But how hard I try no comparison will do you justice. Perhaps it’s a tad simple, but everything I’d like to hear is:

You make all the difference. You make all the difference.

You’re not the good conversation that I stay up for. Not the flag I’d fight battles for, not the advice for all my problems.

But even more than I like to admit… You make all the difference.

Junmyeon, you could be everything and nothing at the same time but still my heart would pick you. You make all the difference. I wrote this to you because I am madly in love with you. Eventhough my brain tells me to not confess to a person who is straight my heart felt compelled to. By now the cd that was enclosed with this letter should be playing your favorite song, sung by one of your best friend and the writer of letter. Listen, feel my words and if you are willing to give us a shot, if you are open to the idea of us please give me a sign. If not, walk away and I will meet you again tomorrow as your friend and forget this ever happened.

Forever yours, Secret Valentine.

Jongdae knew about Junmyeon’s love for old music and was aware that Love me tender was one of his favorites. Considering it had matched his heart he had included it at the end of the melody he composed.

Junmyeon looked up into the hall, intently listening to jongdae singing the song. It took a moment for junmyeon to realise he knew who’s voice this was and it took even longer for him to decide what to do. Jongdae saw everything from the want to walk away, to curiousity, to the confidence on the older’s face when he spoke Jongdae’s name.

“Jongdae… I know you are here. Please don’t come out yet, but wait a while. I am grateful for being on the receiving end of your affection. Trust me when I say you have a special place in my heart as well. I am open to the idea of a you and me, of an us. We are close enough to be considered a couple as it is. But I am afraid of hurting you, of us not working out due to me not falling in love with you. I want you to be happy. So….. the choice will be given to you; Are okay with me doing the hurting if my feelings won’t change? Unfortunately we can’t prevent ourselves from getting hurt but we do have to power to choose the ones we’d willingly hurt for. If I am that person to you please come out. I want to do everything to try. I’ll gladly be your valentine”

Jongdae took a deep breath, thinking about what he just heard. Without fear, without regret he walked up to Junmyeon. He chose Junmyeon, always

*****

A/N: Another new oneshot from me. I hope you all enjoyed this one. Comments are highly appreciated. Feedback helps me a lot with improving myself. Thank you all for reading♡