To put it simply, Taeyeon has Sunny on edge these days. The feeling prickles in her skin like fingernails scratching up her neck. It's realizing she knows absolutely everything about Taeyeon but nothing at all.

Taeyeon has her heart guarded with eight miles of barbed wire and a chain-link fence of locks.  Twenty rows of armored guards.  Even if Sunny managed to get one foot in, she would never make it out alive.

It makes her angry sometimes, angry enough she could cry.

Lately looking at Taeyeon feels more like staring at a photograph, someone Sunny can only see behind her eyelids when she thinks hard enough, like something's off, displaced, far off where she can see but can't reach.

Taeyeon looks more or less the same as she's always looked, with her pale skin, her dimple when she purses her lips, her bony knees, a cute scrunch to her nose, still.

Taeyeon, this new Taeyeon, looks and breathes the same, but she might as well be a different person entirely.

- - -

The beginning is some time in-between their fourth and fifth anniversary and it's snowballed into something ten times as big and countless times more frustrating. It's eight years in the industry and the group is jaded. It's particularly hardest for Taeyeon when her thoughts have lives of their own. "Taeyeon unnie, I love you." "Taeyeon noona, I hate you." What's the difference if So Nyuh Shi Dae crumbles and all she wants to do is sing?

She thinks about growing older, leaving SM, gaining freedom. She thinks about dating openly, and of consequently losing everything she has known for the last half of her life in return.

Would she still be able to sing in five, ten years? But more importantly, would there be people who would listen?

Taeyeon wakes up the next morning to a faint headache pressing against her skull and the sound of heavy rain pounding against her roof. The sky is angry and grey when she looks out the window. It's fitting, she thinks. Beautiful days make her heart feel empty, like somehow everyone on the planet got the memo on how to feel okay, except her. They are beautiful and blue and warm when there is a cold winter carving a space inside her.

Sunny is the only one in the living room when she walks in for her morning coffee. She has a book in her hands and her feet propped up on the sofa arm, in that very intense yet serene sort of way only Sunny manages to pull off.

Taeyeon flinches subconsciously.

"Good morning," Sunny breaks the ice. Her voice is very soft.

Taeyeon goes for the instant packets in the cabinet instead of the coffee machine for no reason in particular. "Good morning." She turns the fire on over the kettle and leans her elbows against the counter.

"No one's home," Sunny says, setting the book down, mostly to start a conversation.

"I figured."

"It hasn't been just the two of us in a while." She pauses, locking eyes with Taeyeon. "I hope your cold's going away. Your voice sounds better than before."

"Yeah," Taeyeon starts, sipping the coffee and shuffling towards the kitchen table, "Busy with the unit recording, but our new manager unnie feeds me a lot in-between sessions. Organic stuff, I don't know. Vitamins, I guess."

"Organic? Wow, that's new. Look at Taetiseo getting all this superior treatment." Sunny laughs but Taeyeon frowns.

"Sorry."

"Huh?"

"Sorry, you know," she taps perfectly manicured nails against her cup, "that the other girls keep getting the short end of the stick because of us."

Sunny noticeably flinches and Taeyeon realizes it was a joke in first place. It's always like this lately. Sunny and her were best friends once, she reminds herself. They still are, maybe, but like most of her relationships, friendships, whatever, she's always the problem. Sunny's always one to try and fix the problem, and maybe that's why Taeyeon tries to stay away. She doesn't need anyone to take on that role besides herself.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know I know," Taeyeon in air and closes her eyes. "but still."

"If anything, I'm the company founder's niece, so I wouldn't be in the position to say anything in the first place." She smiles and joins Taeyeon at the table. "You worry too much, you know?"

"I know."

"Nice to see you haven't changed in that aspect, I guess."

Taeyeon nods.

"You know, if you need to talk, I'm always here." Sunny says tenderly, ignoring the subsequent groan. "I know you don't like people prying into your life, but just…remember it. Don't forget that I'm here."

Taeyeon gasps. "How could I ever forget about my Sunny Bunny?"

"Well, I mean, it seems like you do sometimes."

"Hey, don't be like that. You know how I am."

"I feel like I don't anymore, though."

Taeyeon doesn't respond and downs the rest of her coffee, spilling some on the table.

"Sorry." She grabs a napkin. "I didn't know you felt that way."

Sunny fights to get ahold of her thoughts, "No, no. Sorry. I mean, don't be sorry. Just. Talk about it sometimes, okay?" She pulls up out of her chair and back toward the sofa. "Sorry. I probably made this pretty uncomfortable."

"It's fine."

"I'm just gonna finish up my book in my room. Knock if you need me, okay?" Sunny retreats.

"Okay."

"Tiffany's gonna be home soon."

"Yeah."

"I love you, Taengoo. I really do."

"Mmm."

- - -

Taeyeon thinks of her trainee years fondly. It's muddled in terrible hardships, but like most things in her life, time turns even the bad things good. It's crying until it's hard to breathe, but all she can remember is being happy just to be alive.

But really, really sitting down and thinking about it, that's when it gets unsettling.

Once upon a time there was never a So Nyuh Shi Dae. Once upon a time there were nine normal girls in a sea of others, because everyone is replaceable and nobody is safe. It's terrible, thinking of the group without a Jessica or a Hyoyeon, or a Juhyun, who is the only one who can keep them grounded. Or a Tiffany. Pretty, pretty miyoung.

Or a Sunny. Lee Sunkyu. Daredevil extraordinaire. Mother of them all.

So Nyuh Shi Dae to Taeyeon, to all the members, is more than being co-workers, more than being best friends. So Nyuh Shi Dae is family - more than family - being family is too cliche - it's a lifeline - a drug Taeyeon could never quit even if she tried.

If she were sappy, she would probably write a novel about it.

She thinks about it a lot. Their group is eight years into the game and it's almost unreal. It's eight years of drunken nights and laughing and fighting and crying and performing and finally having a definition for it. So Nyuh Shi Dae. It's manufactured and constructed and the opposite of perfect, and it's magnificent and it's terrifying.

She sees kids ten years younger than her backstage. It's being in high school again, except this time she is twenty-six and not sixteen. It's being stuck at the very top of the ladder when everyone is walking on the ground. The realization settles the way snow would. Slowly, gradually, unnoticeably, and before she knows it, she's buried.

She thinks about the last ten years of her life and how a lot of it feels fuzzy and muddy, like she could wake up tomorrow and realize it was all a dream.  Maybe it's because there was a start but never really an end. There's never really an end when she's this far at the top with nobody to push her down. She has millions of people who love her. She has an entire nation, two families, a boyfriend - there is love all around her - but there is no one to fix this terrible, heart-shattering loneliness building up in the pit of her stomach.

Maybe in ten years she'll be forgotten.

Maybe in life there are never really ends, just new beginnings.

- - -

"It can be a new beginning for us," Sunny ends the discussion thoughtfully, much like a leader, and Hyoyeon smiles and Seohyun gives an awkward thumbs up. It's the fourth time this year they've had this talk. This one felt the most poignant though, for some indiscernible reason.

Sunny continues. "We're all in our mid-twenties now. All things considered, I think our fans are mature enough to understand that we're just human and we should be dating and seeing other people."

The circle of bodies nod their head in agreement.

Is it true? Taeyeon wonders.

She thinks back to her scandal a few weeks ago, when her life got flipped upside down. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but she reminds herself, it was her fault the situation spiraled out of control in the first place.

She's always the problem. Always the problem.

Regardless, the moment is lost in the comfort.

"Taeyeon, what do you think?" Jessica whispers, suddenly, treading carefully.

Taeyeon purses her lips.  "A new beginning," she repeats. "Yeah. I agree." She forces a smile.

The members eye her uncomfortably. She wonders how much longer she would have to wait until everyone stopped treading eggshells around her.

"I promise I'm over it. It died down. You lose some you gain some. I was never a saint." Taeyeon gets up, ignoring the stares, and walks toward to kitchen. "The soju should be cold by now."

The look of unease on Sunny's face burns in her mind.

"I broke up with him, anyway."

- - -

"Kim Taeyeon, what the hell?" the voice behind the door is shrill with the ferocity of a hundred suns.

"Thanks for the hello," Taeyeon mutters underneath a mass of blankets.

"What's this all about?" Sunny barges in and sits on the bed, dragging the blankets off her body, leaving her cold. "Your name's first on every search engine…along with your boyfriend's."

"Tell me something I don't know."

Sunny stares at the body in front of her. Takes one look at the state of Kim Taeyeon buried into the bed like a pile of broken limbs and calms down.

"Mind telling me what's up?" she asks, significantly softer.

"You probably know everything there is to know, really."

"Can you sit up at least?"

"There, happy?"

"Taeyeon-"

"I kissed him. It was hot in the car. I figured why not? Half the members already got caught, would one more make a difference? I don't know what I was thinking. I was drunk, he was drunk, we were stupid. That's all."

Taeyeon collapses into herself and closes her eyes. Sunny an eyebrow.

"You're such a ." she finally says, in a a light, airy sort of way, and punches Taeyeon in the arm. "Honestly."

"Yeah," she breathes shakily, "I really am, I really am."

"Well…are you okay?"

Taeyeon scoffs. "Would you stop worrying about me already? I am not a baby."

"You say that now, but by tomorrow you'll be acting like one, wallowing in your sorrow and self-pity."

Taeyeon's face falls, and Sunny only feels a little bit sorry.

"Are you really going there right now Lee Sunkyu?" Taeyeon half yells, eyes fuming with something akin to anger and avoidance.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Leave me alone. The whole entire damn company's gonna give me within the next few hours anyway. I don't need this right now."

Sunny throws herself off the bed, annoyed at it all. "Honestly, Taeyeon. When are you gonna stop getting together with people you obviously don't love?

Taeyeon's eyes harden.

"What? What are you implying?"

"You know exactly what I'm implying."

"Lee. Sun. Kyu."

"I mean it. If there's anything I've learned after dealing with the aftermath of your past three failed relationships, you're just using Baekhyun for your own fleeting moment of adrenaline."

"And since when did you become my personal psychiatrist?!"

"Since you starting calling me your best friend."

"Baekhyun is my boyfriend-"

"Yeah, but do you love him?"

Taeyeon falls quiet, swimming in the implications of Sunny's accusation. "Whatever, that's my problem at the end of the day," she decides, "and you're totally not in the position to police my relationships."

"I just want the best for you-"

"Honestly Sunny, listen to yourself. You're more angry at me dating than you are about us being careless about it, or the fact that I just tarnished the group's reputation."

Sunny looks effectively at a loss for words, like coming to a realization of something never questioned.

Taeyeon expects a snarky, accusatory reply, but after a minute of tense silence, stares at a retreating figure.

- - -

In retrospect, it was as obvious as it wasn't. Tiffany mentions that she must have been either too self-absorbed or too detached to be so oblivious to it.

She feels sorry for Sunny mostly, because the feeling was mutual, although somewhat familial until now. And she wonders, why her, out of all the people out there in the world?

Taeyeon breaks up with her boyfriend two weeks after the scandal. He's upset about the break up, and really, she is too, but they both saw it coming.

She thinks bitterly, that her typical ego-driven, self-destructive tendencies once again led her to a dead end. And this time, without even her fans' support for comfort.

It's stupid. It's typical. It starts and ends with a boy falling in love with the idea of her. Just one of the tens of thousands of things she has already given up as one of the country's most popular idols.

"Let's talk," Taeyeon says, accepting her offer. Life is really an enigma sometimes.

"Huh?" Sunny asks, baffled.

"Let's go get a drink."

- - -

"I cried probably at least once every week," Taeyeon admits with almost an entire bottle of soju in her system. Sunny listens thoughtfully, deciding she would savor the moment instead of becoming a drunk mess, as per usual. Not tonight, at least.

"I was scared. I missed my family so much I could barely even function." Sunny can see Taeyeon's lip quivering but she doesn't cry; She probably hasn't seen the girl cry in years. "But I couldn't give up on my dreams. It was the only thing in life I was passionate about. The only thing. I kept imagining myself on the train back to Jeonju, and I could see the disappoint in everyone's face so clearly. Oh Taeyeon, you would have never made it in the industry anyway, people would say. I wanted to prove I wasn't weak. That I could be somebody."

Sunny doesn't say a word and listens. She really does love and care about this stupid person. Emotional, dramatic, sad little Taeyeon, all the good and all the flaws in-between.

"I don't know if it was worth it still. I feel like I'm floating. Like I'm stuck in-between fantasy and reality. I hate being an idol sometimes. I despise it more than anything. But then I realize that if I weren't one, I would have probably been even more unhappy. Or I think I would be." She downs another shot. "And I wouldn't have met you guys, most importantly. And you, Sunkyu. Bright little Sunkyu. Sunny's a perfect name for you, you know that?"

"Wow. That's the nicest thing you've said to me in the longest time." Sunny laughs, more at the situation than anything. She thinks, briefly, to stop Taeyeon from getting too drunk, but honestly, she deserves to be a little selfish.

"I'm ing drunk that's why," Taeyeon slurs, smiling, and Sunny knocks her head playfully. "Yes, you're drunk Taengoo."

"And you know what? I'm drunk enough to admit that I love you."

The room becomes very, very still. Unmoving.

Sunny gapes, heart pounding, mind throbbing, throat closing up, eyes blurring.

"Taeyeon, you're drunk," she repeats, very seriously this time.

"Yes I'm drunk, and yes I love you. I don't just love you. I love you."

"Let's get you back home," is all she can manage to say. She calls for the check and wishes she could ask for her sanity back, too.

- - -

The aftermath is a body and another tangled on the couch and two lips crashing together.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," Taeyeon pulls back out of the kiss, "I'm sorry and this…this...I can't do this and I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Taeyeon." Sunny's voice is so soft and so sad. So pretty. Taeyeon could listen to it forever. She would fall asleep in it if she deserved it at all. "Taeyeon, make it clear and sober. Do you love me?"

Are things ever as simple as a yes or a no? The answer is there, right in front of her, calling out at her, but it doesn't seem good enough.

Or is it?

"I love you," Taeyeon croaks, completely sobered up, gazing into her eyes for a reply, a nod, anything. "I loved you for a long time but never realized it." She gulps. "But I'm so scared. I'm scared of…whatever this is."

Sunny reaches for her hand and squeezes it. The feeling burns through her skin. "As long as you love me, I'll be here. I'll always be here. Take your time."

Taeyeon blinks. Once, twice. "What are we?"

Sunny brushes Taeyeon's bangs out of her eyes, gently. "I guess things don't always need a definition."

"The only thing I want is a definition. My whole life doesn't have a definition."

"Hey. Hey…" Sunny wraps her arms around her waist and Taeyeon shivers. "Life is just…life. It's what it is. You do your best with whatever you're given."

Taeyeon gets lost in the moment, staring into Sunny's eyes. She really is more beautiful now than she ever remembers.

"Do you love me, too?" Taeyeon asks suddenly. Stupidly.

"I would if you'd let me." Sunny whispers, moonlight draping over her lips. Taeyeon can't breathe.

She cries for the first time in months. It's neither a sad nor happy kind of sobbing. It's more, coming to terms with what this means and the fact that something in her life finally makes some sense for once. Like there's a light at the end of this long, dark, black tunnel. Something sunny.

"I want to," she decides, "but I don't know how to love."

"I'll teach you."