Unrequited
Part 2

 

“Tae…”

 

One shot.

 

“Tae!!”

 

Another one.

 

“Taeyeon!”

 

Again.

 

“Yah! Kim Taeyeon!”

 

They snatched the drink out of my hands to get my attention. I turned to glare at the two blurry figures before mumbling, “I heard you the first time…”

 

“We have to get up early tomorrow,” Hyoyeon said taking the bottles away from me. I continued to glare at her, but it seemed to have no effect. I lifted a hand to grab the bottle back, but I felt someone pulling me back. I tried to stand up and pull away from the annoying pair of hands, but I stumbled back onto the couch after my third of fourth try.

 

“Get some rest Taeyeon. You don’t want to get scolded by Seohyun for being hung over, do you?”

 

It was too late for that, I thought.

 

There was no way I wouldn’t be hung over in the morning.

 

I sighed and gave in to the wishes of my two friends. I let myself fall down rather ungracefully onto the couch and shut my eyes tightly, trying to get the sound of the loud thumping of my heart to quiet down. It was all I could hear in my intoxicated state. I squirmed when I felt something warm hit me before realizing it was a blanket. I vaguely heard two voices talking, about me I presumed, before the sound of the faint shut of the door made me realize that I was left alone. I let out a loud groan and tossed and the couch, throwing the blanket off of me in the process. I opened my eyes to be greeted with a pitch black room. I made an attempt to get up. To go where, I had no idea. As soon as I managed to sit up, I felt all the blood rush to my head and let out another groan before clutching it in pain and tumbling off the couch joining the discarded blanket on the floor. I laid there for a couple minutes, not bothering to even try to get up. I let out another sound. I wasn’t sure what it was. I could only compare it to the sounds animals made when they were in pain.

 

A cry for help, I supposed.

 

I was in pain, and I didn’t know how to get rid of it. I was drunk in more ways than one. I was delirious. I was hurt. I was damaged. I was broken.

 

I wanted to fix myself, but I didn’t know how.

 

They all tried to help over the past year, without actually saying they were trying to help me. They weren’t exactly subtle though. I’ve been put on numerous blind dates by everyone, and I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been dragged out of the apartment by one of them to go out drinking or something. Seohyun was the only exception. The one time I saw her this past year was during Christmas when we all got together, except Tiffany, and she, instead of drinking her heart out with me, settled for sitting down and talking over a cup of tea. It was something that I always appreciated after it had happened because around special days like those, there was such a craving for some type of liquor, something that would make me forget.

 

The school year was ending and everyone was finally finished with their exams. I was the only one out of all of us graduating this year, so everyone was making a big deal out of it. They were all coming to watch me get my diploma, and I was glad. It had been a while since all of us were together, but I wasn’t even sure if all nine of us were going to be there. Tiffany always managed to avoid answering my numerous invitations. She never even came to visit since she left.

 

Even if she brought him along, I wouldn’t care. I just wanted to see her, to have all nine of us in one place again. We were a family of our own. I always figured she was the one that thought that the most. She always said that the nine of us had a special bond that no one could understand, that the two of us had a special bond no one could understand, not even the other girls. And truthfully, not even we could. I was just a little angry at her. She hadn’t even bothered to come visit all of us, to come visit me. I understood that she was busy, but couldn’t she come on special holidays? Special events? I knew that some of the other girls had spared a couple days to fly over there to visit her, but she seemed completely adamant on keeping me away, restricting our communication to wordy emails and letters. I even tried to drag Jessica with me one time so I’d at least have someone who spoke the language accompanying me, but Jessica knocked some sense into me before I could gag and tie her up.

 

I wanted to be selfish and steal her away and show her that no one could ever possibly love her like I could.

 

I let out a bitter laugh. I had already shown all I had to offer her and she still didn’t return my feelings. I turned around and buried my face into the blanket in a sad attempt to suffocate myself while still actually breathing. I shut my eyes again even though I knew that once my mind had started thinking about Tiffany, it probably wouldn’t stop.

 

She was the catalyst that made my thoughts go haywire, a jump-start that made my heart rate go ten times faster than normal.

 

I wasn’t normally like this. I had actually gotten by pretty well after she left. At least, as well as anyone could be when the love of your life leaves you for some muscular dancer boy. I had school to keep me occupied. Plus, Hyoyeon came back from her adventures in China and she was always a funny person. With both her and Sunny staying with me, the small apartment seemed just a little livelier. Sunny and Hyoyeon would always randomly burst out singing and dancing. Sooyoung was always bringing over more food to stuff my face with. Yuri played her pranks on me relentlessly. Seohyun, who was miles away for university, would call and remind Sooyoung that she was killing us all by feeding us fatty foods. Yoona, stuck with Seohyun, could be heard in the background yelling something about how she missed eating fast food. And then Jessica would come over and say something to make things awkward.

 

My friends – family – were the best people I could ever ask for.

 

And I absolutely hated myself for thinking that the one thing that would make this better would be that familiar loud, husky voice screaming that there was a bug on the counter.

 

I hated myself for missing her.

 

I couldn’t hate her.

 

And I couldn’t hate him either.

 

So, I just stuck with hating myself.

 

 

“Unnie!”

 

The two youngest of our family chorused.

 

About a million hugs later and a trip back to my apartment to drop off their bags, the eight of us managed to make our way to Sooyoung’s restaurant. The chatter between the seven of them brought a huge grin to my face. I missed this.

 

Things always managed to take a turn for the worst though.

 

“Is Tiffany-unnie coming?” Seohyun asked.

 

I shrugged. “I have no idea.” Tiffany was a touchy subject for me at the moment. I didn’t want to talk about her.

 

“She hasn’t talked to any of us the past couple days. What about you Tae?”

 

I shook my head and dug into my lunch in an attempt to get out of the conversation. The table immediately quieted down. It was unsettling to see the group of people that were usually as loud as they possibly could be become so incredibly quiet. I looked up from my food to find seven pairs of eyes staring at me. It didn’t occur to me until then that even though they were never allowed to speak of it with me that they might have spoken about it with each other. I knew what was coming. That moment I never wanted to come, it was here.

 

“Taeyeon, we –”

 

“No,” I said firmly as I went back to my food and ignored the worried eyes looking back at me.

 

“But –”

 

“No.”

 

“We just want to talk!”

 

“Well I don’t!”

 

“Taeyeon…”

 

“No, I just – no. Just stop, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

The table went quiet again. It was a different kind of silence than I was used to with these girls. The atmosphere was tense and awkward. I was used to being awkward, it came naturally to me. But being awkward with these girls was something I thought I’d gotten over a long time ago. My heart was pounding loudly against my chest as I stared up at them. I didn’t even realize I was shaking until Sunny gently placed a hand over to stop me. I didn’t even realize that tears were falling until I felt something wet on my other hand.

 

I was completely bewildered why I was crying. I wasn’t sad. I was frustrated.

 

Frustrated that they were about to cross the faint line that I drew years ago.

 

Frustrated that they wouldn’t give up on this.

 

Frustrated that I couldn’t stop thinking about her

 

Frustrated that I couldn’t get over her.

 

Frustrated that I was so in love with someone that would never love me back.

 

Frustrated that I missed her so badly.

 

Frustrated that I wanted to see her.

 

I was frustrated.

 

“Taeyeon…”

 

I was frustrated to the point of tears.

 

“Why...why wouldn't she come? It's been so long and...” I choked out after a few minutes of silence.

 

I could feel the walls breaking down. The shaking grew more intense and the tears flowed freely. I opened my mouth to try and tell them that I was fine out of habit, but all that came out was a choked sob. The words never found their way out as I buried my face into Yuri’s shoulder. I felt her pull me into a hug and wrap her arms around me tightly. I felt more arms wrap around me and I realized that the rest of them had joined. They were adamant on getting as close as possible. It was a little suffocating, especially since I was already having a hard time breathing.

 

“Group hug!” they shouted.

 

It was a silly thing, but I couldn’t help but laugh a little. They all pulled away and smiled at me. I wiped my tears away and gave a soft smile back at them. They were just what I needed. They always knew how to make me laugh even when I didn’t want to smile. I felt a little relieved. Maybe sometimes the best way to let out some stress was to just let your emotions take over and cry.

 

I was suddenly reminded of what Tiffany told me one time she caught me crying alone in my room. It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to hide it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we like it when you cry. That just means we can cry together. I didn’t get it at first. Why would I ever want someone to cry with me, I asked myself. But I understood it later, she helped me understand. When you had someone to share your pain, share your tears, that didn’t mean you were a burden to them. When you had someone to share those moments with, it meant that there was someone there that didn’t want to see you get hurt. It meant you weren’t alone, and sometimes, that was all you needed to know.

 

I wasn’t alone.

 

“Listen, we get it. You don’t want to talk about it, but sometimes it’s better to just let these things out. When you’re ready to talk, we’re ready to listen,” Jessica said petting my head before going back to her seat on the other side of Yuri.

 

“You’re always taking care of us and telling us you want us to be happy…” Yoona started.

 

“We want you to be happy too, you know,” Seohyun said cutting in. “And you deserve to be happy.”

 

“I am happy,” I said. I wasn’t exactly the happiest person in the world, but who didn’t have their share of problems? I looked at the skeptical stares and rolled my eyes at them. “Come on guys, who doesn’t have a ty life every now and then? Everyone has those moments when nothing really goes right…but I’m trying to be happy, I really am.”

 

“It’s been a little over two years Tae,” Hyoyeon interjected. “If you haven’t gotten over her by now…”

 

“I’m trying okay? It’s just…hard.” I refused to admit that a part of me didn’t want to let her go. I refused to admit that she had stolen my heart a long time ago and I was so sure that she wasn’t going to give it back. A part of me didn’t even want it back.

 

“Taeyeon…what makes you happy?” Sooyoung asked. Whenever they’d have a bad day, I’d always sit them down and ask them this question. I never thought it’d be used against me.

 

What makes me happy?

 

Tiffany.

 

Miyoung.

 

Hwang Miyoung.

 

Tiffany Hwang.

 

Stephanie.

 

Stephanie Hwang Miyoung.

 

Tiffany.

 

Stephanie Hwang.

 

Tiffany Hwang Miyoung.

 

Tiffany.

 

Tiffany.

 

Tiffany.

 

Tiffany.

 

Tiffany.

 

I sighed and slumped down in my seat.

 

I was hopeless.

 

“I don’t know…” I decided to say. I didn’t want to admit that I did know. The answer probably wasn’t what they wanted to hear anyway. They didn’t push it and we all went back to eating. They quickly struck up another conversation pretending that nothing serious just happened in order to bring a sense of normalcy back to me. I could only wish it were that easy. Once you got my mind thinking about her it was like a one way track. I couldn’t jump off board even if I wanted to.

 

“So are you excited about graduating unnie?” Yoona asked excitedly between bites. I had to laugh at the younger girl. The bits and pieces of food that flew out of ad she talked seemed to disgust Seohyun. She seemed more excited than I did.

 

“Swallow your food Yoong,” Seohyun scolded lightly.

 

I laughed at the two before answering the question. “I guess so.”

 

“You guess so?” Jessica asked. I couldn’t help but notice how her hand naturally found its way to Yuri’s and fit perfectly with it. I was a little jealous. It was such a simple act filled with so much meaning.

 

I tore my eyes away from their hands and looked at her face instead. I shrugged. “I don’t know, it doesn’t really feel like I’m graduating, you know? I just always thought…like, something magical would happen or something.” I wasn’t even sure what I meant by that. The comment garnered a few snickers from the table.

 

“Magical?” Sunny asked still trying to hold in her laughter.

 

“Yeah, doesn’t it just seem like something magical is supposed to happen?” I asked. Even I had to admit, it was a little funny sounding. The marked date on my calendar didn’t really have any special meaning to me. It just felt like another day. The closest thing to having something “magical” happening to me was having the girls here with me. I always thought things would just…fall into place when I graduated, but the pieces seemed to lie completely still. Nothing felt like it was changing. It felt like I was stuck, like I was trapped in a box and wasn’t allowed to come out. Nothing felt different.

 

I was still living in the same old place. I still sat at my desk and wrote and composed songs. I still had the same friends.

 

I still had the same feelings.

 

“It’s just, I don’t feel any different. I feel the same.”

 

I wondered if anyone noticed the double entendre in my words.

 

 

I could immediately feel my sweat glands working as I stepped out of Sooyoung’s restaurant and felt the sun’s rays hit me. I lazily waved to everyone as I walked off in the opposite direction.

 

“Where are you going?” I heard Hyoyeon ask. I turned around to see her, Sunny, Yoona, and Seohyun all trying to squish into a cab. I had forgotten that Yoona and Seohyun had opted to stay at my place while they were here.

 

“I just need to pick up some groceries. I’ll meet you guys back home in a bit.”

 

“What groceries?”

 

“…Ice cream.”

 

The four of them gave me a knowing look and I grinned sheepishly at them. I watched them drive away and continued my trek to the closest convenience store. I walked through the doors and let out a sigh of relief as I felt the air conditioned store cool me down. I walked through the familiar aisles to get to my desired destination. Something felt a little off though. It felt like someone was staring at me. I turned around abruptly, but all I saw was a girl browsing the candy section. I shrugged off the weird sensation and turned back around.

 

I felt the corners of my mouth pull into a grin as soon as I saw my favorite thing to eat. I had to hold myself back from pressing up against the glass and drooling over the multitude of flavors they offered. The hard part was next, picking which one I wanted to buy…

 

A husky chuckle from behind me made all my senses go wild.

 

No.

 

She's not here.

 

It couldn't be.

 

Could it?

 

Was it her?

 

It had to be.

 

“At first I wasn’t sure if it was you, but seeing your eyes glaze over the ice cream gave it away.”

 

My heart stopped.

 

“Ti-Tiffany?”

 

I stood rooted in my spot. I couldn’t seem to turn around to face her. If I was like this just by hearing her voice, what would I be like if I actually saw her? If I saw her beautiful face again? If I stared into those eyes again?

 

I stiffened when I felt those familiar arms wrap around me and the weight of her head on my shoulder. She chuckled again and her breath against my ear made my mind go blank. “I missed you Tae…”

 

My heart had restarted and I could feel my heart rate increasing more and more the longer she held onto me. “I missed you too Fany-ah.” My voice came out quieter than I intended it to be.

 

“I like your hair. When’d you dye it?”

 

I had forgotten that I decided to dye my hair blonde when she left. “A month or so after you left.”

 

We let the silence take over us. I couldn’t think properly with her so close to me. Was it always like this when she was around, I wondered. It had been so long since she had been by my side that I had almost forgotten the feelings she evoked in me whenever she was close to me. I wanted to ask her why she was here. I wanted to ask her if she was here for me. The words refused to come out of my mouth. We were both perfectly fine – at least I was – in the position we were in. I felt my body relax and lean into her. I had to hold in a sigh of content when I felt her tighten her hold.

 

I wasn’t sure how long we were standing there, but the ring from her phone broke us out of our little world. She removed her arms and I immediately missed the warmth. I still couldn’t get myself to turn around. I knew I had to do it eventually, but I decided I would put it off until I absolutely had to look at her. I wasn’t sure if my heart could take so much at once.

 

“Hm?” I listened to her side of the conversation on the phone. “I might be back a little late. I ran into Taeyeon. You remember her, right?” I stiffened again. I knew who she was talking to. I suddenly felt like running away from her at that very moment, but the selfish side of me that wanted to spend as much time with her as possible was very stubborn and refused to let me move. I tuned out the last part of her conversation and heard her put her phone away. I suddenly felt very awkward just standing there, so I decided to open the door to the fridge where they kept the ice cream and reached in to grab a couple random boxes. It didn’t matter to me. I would eat almost any form or flavor of ice cream.

 

“I see you’re still obsessed with ice cream,” she said laughing and stepping beside me. My breath hitched. I had gotten a glance of her out of my peripheral vision.

 

Was it always like this? Or did the time away from her just make me grow even fonder of her presence?

 

I shrugged and made my way towards the counter to pay, avoiding any possible eye contact with her. “I’ll never get tired of ice cream.” I heard her footsteps follow mine.

 

“Have you had lunch yet?”

 

We stopped at the counter and the cashier rung up the boxes of ice cream. I nodded. “Yeah, just had lunch with everyone at Sooyoung’s.”

 

“Oh.” I could tell she was disappointed. “I miss that place…” she mumbled under her breath. I couldn’t stop myself from saying the words that came out of my mouth next.

 

“How about we have some ice cream and maybe dinner later?” I asked as I finished paying for the ice cream. She started paying for her stuff next and I finally mustered up the courage to look at her.

 

Even from the side, she looked as breathtaking as ever.

 

Her raven hair flowed down the side of her face creating a curtain that removed her face from my view. It was probably better like that. I was already swooning over her just like this. But, I couldn’t help but notice the large diamond ring on her left hand. I knew that it was fully possible, but my heart refused to believe the truth my mind fed it.

 

“You sure? You don’t have anything better to do?”

 

“Fany-ah, nothing’s better than spending time with you,” I said with a soft smile. “And ice cream makes it even better. It’s like two of my favorite things put together!”

 

Tiffany giggled and finished paying. She turned to face me and I found myself swooning over her again. A grin formed on her lips and I could practically picture the crescent shaped eyes that I loved forming underneath her sunglasses. I looked at what she bought and grinned at her, the familiar comforting atmosphere between us coming back.

 

“Still have that sweet tooth, huh?” I asked realizing that she was the girl I had seen browsing through the candy earlier. She giggled again and linked her arm through mine, leading us both out the door and back into the heat.

 

“I’ll love sweets for as long as you love ice cream.”

 

“So, forever then?”

 

“Of course.”

 

We both laughed and made our way to an empty bench covered with some shade to sit down and have some ice cream. I hoped that the rest of the ice cream wouldn’t melt by the time I got back home. With Tiffany by my side, I doubted that I would make it back in time.

 

“So what are you doing back in Korea?” I handed her a popsicle before grabbing one for myself.

 

“Why do you think? You’re graduating! There’s no way I would ever miss this!” she shouted excitedly. I could help but grin at her. For some reason, I was suddenly ten times more proud of graduating than I was before. “It was supposed to be a surprise, but once I saw you I couldn’t help myself. It’s been too long.”

 

“Well I, for one, am glad that you at surprises.” That earned me a smack on the shoulder and I responded by grinning innocently at her.

 

We spent the next hour or so just sitting there and catching up on everything. We went through a whole box of ice cream. I hadn’t realized how much I missed just talking to her or even just being around her. Just being here with her and having her show me that smile I fell in love with made me happy. I wondered if she missed this as much as I did. I wondered if she was having as much fun as I was just sitting here eating ice cream with her. I wondered a lot of things whenever she was around, I realized. I couldn’t help it. She made me like this. She was a type of poison I couldn’t get out of my system. A wonderful, amazing, incredible poison.

 

“Hey TaeTae.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“About dinner tonight…”

 

I noticed her tense up and I had a really good feeling that she was about to say something I wouldn’t particularly like.

 

“Is it okay is Taec comes along?”

 

I couldn’t stop the frown that appeared on my face.

 

“Come on, you guys are like, the two most important people in my life. I want you guys to get to know each other.”

 

“Yeah sure, that’s fine.” I paused before telling her, “just do me a favor.”

 

“What is it?”

 

I turned to look at her and smiled. I wanted to see her face, all of it. I didn't care anymore. I was in far too deep, I always had been.

 

“Take off your sunglasses.”

 

I knew I was practically setting up a trap for myself, that I was letting myself fall on purpose.

 

She looked confused for a moment before she complied and my heart stopped for what felt like the millionth time again. Her eyes bore into mine and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was asphyxiated by her gaze, and I didn’t mind one bit. I don’t know why, but she smiled at me. That smile that shaped her eyes into little crescents, and I swear…

 

It was like I was falling in love with her all over again.

 

 

“Taeyeon! Over here!”

 

I walked into the restaurant she picked out to see Tiffany waving me over and shouting with her loud voice. I walked over and sat across from the possibly engaged couple. I swallowed the lump in my throat and decided that I would do whatever it takes to get through this night.

 

“Good to see you again, Taeyeon,” Taecyeon said awkwardly with a friendly smile on his face. I returned the smile half heartedly.

 

“You too. Have you been treating Tiffany well?” I sounded like a parent. He grinned and put his hand over hers. I had to look away from the sight.

 

“Of course.”

 

The awkward conversation quickly died down and the three of us fell into an uncomfortable silence as we stared at the menu. Or maybe it was just me as the two across from seemed to be enjoying themselves. I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat and quickly ordered my food. Tiffany was the one doing most of the talking, which I was pretty sure both Taecyeon and I were thankful for.

 

“Do you know what you’re going to sing?” Taecyeon asked all of a sudden. I stared at him bewilderedly and I didn’t fail to see the guilty look across Tiffany’s face.

 

“Sing for what?”

 

“The wedding.”

 

I froze.

 

“Wedding?”

 

“I thought you told her?” Taecyeon turned to ask Tiffany. Tiffany avoided both of our stares. My eyes automatically fell to the ring on her left hand. So it was true. I always knew she’d never be mine, but the idea of her getting married just made everything seem so much more final. It was like the final step to losing her completely.

 

“I was getting around to it…” she mumbled still staring at her food.

 

“You guys are getting married?” I croaked out.

 

Tiffany shyly smiled and nodded. She raised her left hand and showed off her ring to me. I didn’t know what to say. “It’s in three months…” She pulled out an envelope from her bag and hesitantly handed it to me. “I…I never sent this out to you…”

 

I grabbed the envelope from her hands and opened it.

 

Ok Taecyeon
and
Hwang Miyoung

 

cordially invite you to share
in our marriage celebration
of love, devotion, and family.

 

“How come you never sent this?” My voice barely came out as a whisper. Tiffany continued her staring contest with her food and shrugged.

 

“I don’t know…I just couldn’t.”

 

I knew the reason why. She did too; she just couldn’t say it out loud.

 

“I see.”

 

The table fell into another awkward silence. No one even made a move to eat their food. I couldn’t take the silence and excused myself from the table. I went outside to grab some fresh air.

 

I wasn’t sure what I was feeling at the moment. Sad? Disappointed? Angry? Jealous? They were all there; all mixed up into one cocktail that bitterly went down my throat. I stood outside staring at the way my breath came out of my mouth every time I breathed. I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to stay warm. I closed my eyes and tried to piece my broken heart back together, or at least arrange them in a way where I would be able to face them again without breaking down. I took a deep breath and remembered that this guy, Taecyeon, made her happy.

 

He made her happy.

 

He made her happy.

 

Ok Taecyeon made Hwang Miyoung happy.

 

As long she’s happy.

 

I let out the breath I was holding and opened my eyes again. I heard footsteps from behind approaching me. I needed to quell Tiffany’s guilt somehow…

 

“Fany-ah, I –”

 

“I want to talk to you.”

 

I froze. That was definitely not Tiffany. I turned around to face her fiancé staring down at me with a deadpan expression on his face. What on earth would he want to talk to me about?

 

“About what?”

 

I saw him sigh before he led me to a nearby bench so we could sit down. I looked at him curiously. This was the guy that she fell in love with. I couldn’t help but wonder what did he have that I didn’t? What did he possess that made her fall in love with him? I wanted to know, because I was so sure that no one could love Tiffany the way I did.

 

“I know about your feelings.” I continued to stare at him trying to keep a calm demeanor. “Tiffany told me…she even told me you guys have this unspoken rule about never talking about it.” So Tiffany did talk about me to him before.

 

“So then why are you talking about it?”

 

“Because it’s ridiculous!” he shouted at me out of nowhere. I jumped a little in my seat in surprise and stared at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. “That’s a stupid rule, you hear me? Stupid. You can’t just go around walking together acting like best friends when both of you know that one of you is in love with the other.” He stood up and started pacing in front of me. I was still too shocked to say anything. He looked fuming mad. “Do you know how many times she’s told me that she felt guilty for thinking she’s been leading you on? That she’s felt guilty for not leaving earlier so you could get over her? That she’s felt guilty for not being able to love you back the way you do? It took months of convincing her to come back to California with me. I don’t know why, but she kept saying that she didn’t want to leave you.”

 

“You don’t understand,” I said finally finding my voice and cutting him off from his long rant. “You will never understand!” I shouted back at him. No one would ever understand. “Do you think I wanted to feel this way? No one chooses who they fall for! I didn’t choose to fall in love with Tiffany, and it’s not like she could force herself to love me back. I was okay with just being friends with her. I have never asked for anything more from her because I know that I’m not what she wanted. You are…” I trailed off. I don’t remember when I had stood up, but there I was, standing in front of him and staring up into the eyes of a beast. “You…you’re what she wanted. You’re who she picked…” His eyes softened a little, just a little.

 

“Just…forget about it. This isn’t what I came out here for,” he said abruptly as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “Look, I know you hate me and all, but Tiffany says you have a great voice and –”

 

“You’re wrong.”

 

“What? You don’t have a good voice?”

 

“No, not about that. About hating you.”

 

He blinked in confusion and stared at me with his eyebrows scrunched together in disbelief. “You don’t hate me?”

 

“Of course not.” He continued to stare at me in disbelief. “How could I?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“How could I…how could I hate someone that makes her so happy?”

 

We stood in the cold, letting the silence take over us. It was true. I couldn’t hate him. He had done absolutely nothing wrong, unless loving Tiffany was a crime. If so, then I was worse than him. He didn’t force Tiffany to fall in love with him. She did it on her own.

 

It was then I realized how lucky two people must be to fall for each other.

 

He broke the silence first. “Look, you seem like a good person,” he said, his voice a lot softer than earlier. “But…Tiffany isn’t the one for you.”

 

“Don’t you think I know that? If I hadn’t, don’t you think I would’ve fought for her? I knew from the start that she wasn’t the one for me, that she would break my heart, but it’s not like that could stop my feelings. Knowing that didn’t stop me from loving her. It doesn’t make me love her any less. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. Like I said before, you can’t control your feelings.”

 

I plopped back down onto the bench and wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to keep myself warm. He turned away from me and I stared at the ground readying myself for his next comment. This was the first time someone had ever so boldly confronted me about my feelings. Usually, people tried to be subtle about it, dropping hints here and there. But Taecyeon had said it outright.

 

“She wants you to sing at our wedding,” he whispered. I had to strain my ears to hear him. “I don’t know why she would want to put you through that…” I don’t think he meant for me to hear that.

 

I sighed to myself and let myself sink further into the bench. “You still don’t understand…” He turned back around to look at.

 

He shook his head and started to walk back inside. “You’re right, I don’t.” I watched as he walked back into the restaurant. I didn’t even have to think about her request to know my answer for it. I closed my eyes again in another attempt to clear my mind, but I knew that it was impossible to get myself to calm down at this point. It looked like I’d be drinking myself to sleep again tonight. I felt someone sit in the seat beside me and wrap their arms around me. There was no question as to who it was.

 

“You look cold,” she said. I snuggled deeper into the warmth she provided and felt myself relax a little.

 

I hated that she had that effect on me.

 

“I’m so sorry Tae…”

 

I pulled away from her and forced her to look me in the eyes.

 

“Fany-ah, don’t ever be sorry for something like this. This is supposed to be a happy occasion. You’re getting married. Aren’t you happy?”

 

I hated that little part of me that wished she would say no.

 

“Of course I am,” she whispered. I smiled at her.

 

“I can’t explain my feelings to you. I can’t explain these butterflies in my stomach whenever you compliment me or when you smile at me or hold my hand. I can’t explain that ecstatic feeling I get whenever I make you happy or make you laugh. I can’t explain how easily your mood affects mine. When you’re sad I get sad, so please try your best to be happy for the both of us. I’m happy if you’re happy…whether it’s with me or not, and I know that…it won’t be. That’s all I want for you. I want someone to make you as happy as you make me.

 

Don’t ever be sorry for being happy, Fany-ah…”

 

She choked back a sob and pulled me into a hug. We sat there for a while just crying in each others’ arms. She pulled away and stared at me again. Even with tears streaming down her face, I still thought she was beautiful.

 

“Sing for me, Tae,” she whispered. I couldn’t help but smile at her choice of words.

 

“For you?”

 

She nodded, and I shook my head at her with the best smile I could muster. She frowned at my rejection.

 

“I’ll sing…for the both of you.”

 

 

I sat in the mini recording studio I had set up in my room. Actually, it wasn’t much of a recording studio as it was just a laptop, a keyboard, and a high-end microphone that the girls bought for me a couple years ago. Regardless, it was where I composed, wrote, and recorded most of my songs.

 

I sighed and slammed my head down on the keyboard letting the disorderly sounds fill the room.

 

“Unnie, I think your composing is going a little downhill,” Seohyun said as she walked in the door with a hot cup of tea. “Drink some of this and get some rest. Graduation is tomorrow. Why are you even trying to compose something at this time?”

 

No one else knew that Tiffany was in town. She made me promise to let her surprise them tomorrow. I wondered if they knew about the wedding. There was no reason for her not to send the invitations to them either, right?

 

I took the cup of tea from her hands and shrugged. “Thanks.” We sat in silence as we both sipped on the steaming cups of tea.

 

“…Did you just get the invitation today?” I stopped and stared at her to see her looking at the invitation I lazily threw onto my desk earlier.

 

I shook my head at her. “I got it about a week ago, the day you and Yoona came.” The once comfortable silence quickly grew awkward. “…Everyone else knew?”

 

Seohyun hesitantly nodded. “Tiffany unnie said she’d tell you eventually…she said she wanted you to sing too…”

 

I nodded. “Yeah, I know. I decided to write something new for her…for them, I mean.” I told her before I took another sip. “Sort of like…a going away present, you know?” I said with a fake smile. She saw through it, but she didn’t say anything about it. I quickly finished my cup of tea and handed it to her. “I’m going get some rest. Thanks for the tea.” I tried to quickly end this conversation before it went any further.

 

Seohyun stood up and casted a worried look at me. I grinned at her in an attempt to show her everything was fine. She didn’t seem to buy it, but she turned to walk towards the door anyway. I collapsed onto my bed and Seohyun turned off the lights for me, but I knew she was still there. I felt her eyes on me. I braced myself for the first of many comforting words I would get from the girls. They were never really that comforting, but I appreciated the effort.

 

“Unnie…thank you for everything.” I blinked and sat up on my bed and stared at her.

 

“Huh?” I’m not sure what I had been expecting, but that certainly wasn’t it.

 

“It’s just…I don’t think I – or even the rest of the girls – say it enough. You’ve taken care of us more than you think, even though you didn’t have to…and I just…thank you unnie. I just thought you needed to hear that right now.”

 

Through the darkness I could see her sincerity. “Good night unnie.”

 

I smiled at her, a sincere one this time. “Good night Seohyun.”

 

 

“Congratulations!”

 

The seven girls all piled onto me laughing and cheering. I laughed along with them. The whole thing had gone by so fast that I could barely register the fact that it was over already. I felt myself get squished under the weight of everyone. I could barely breathe.

 

“Guys! I think you’re suffocating her!”

 

The girls all turned to look in the direction of the loud voice.

 

“Tiffany!”

 

The girls jumped off of me and rushed to greet her. I could only laugh at them. They were acting like a bunch of little kids. I grinned at the sight of eight excited chattering girls. I couldn’t hear a thing that was being said and Tiffany seemed to be just as lost as I was. It was the first time I had seen her since we had dinner a week ago. She looked at me and smiled before she made her way towards me and grabbed one of my hands with hers.

 

“Come on guys, let’s go celebrate! Our Taengoo here just graduated!” she shouted with a giggle. She leaned towards me to whisper over the loud commotion the others were making. “Congratulations.” She gave me a peck on the cheek before dragging me towards her car. “TaeTae’s riding with me!” she shouted. No one argued with her before they separated into their own respective cars.

 

“Wait, where are we even going?”

 

I looked over at Tiffany to see her checking her phone. Once she was done she looked over with another one of her award winning smiles and started the car. “Sooyoung’s place. Where else?”

 

I nodded and the comfortable silence filled the car.

 

“I’ve been thinking about what I want to sing.”

 

Tiffany glanced at me quickly before turning her eyes back on the road. “What do you mean? I thought we already decided on a list of songs?”

 

“I wanted to write something new,” I said as I stared out the window.

 

“Still as sweet as ever, aren’t you?” she said with a grin.

 

“You love sweets.”

 

She giggled and nodded, still keeping her eyes forward. “I do.” It felt a little weird hearing her say those words to me. It was completely innocent, but for some reason I still felt those knots in my stomach. “But why? The other songs you have written are fine. Why can’t you just use those?”

 

“Because…those were written for you.”

 

Tiffany was my main inspiration for most of the songs I had written. It was how I manifested the feelings that I could never express, and it would just feel completely wrong if I sang any of those songs for the two of them at their wedding. The rest of the ride had remained silent. I watched as she pulled up to the familiar restaurant. It seemed like we were the last ones to arrive. We both got out of the car and my hand naturally found hers. She didn’t shy away. Tiffany ended up dragging me through the door. I was a little shocked at how far out they had gone with the celebration. A huge ‘congratulations’ sign hung over the door and streamers and balloons were everywhere.

 

Tiffany stuck by my side almost the entire time. It was just a small group of people that were gathered, just family and close friends. The whole celebration went by in a blur as far as I remembered. It was nice having all nine of us gathered in one place again. It felt normal.

 

But, normal to me wasn’t exactly normal to everyone, I assumed.

 

Normal to me was having the one you love right next to you and knowing they weren't the one for you.

 

If that was normal, then this would be a sad world.

 

 

Knock Knock

 

I stood outside the hotel room that Tiffany and Taecyeon were staying in. Tiffany said she’d meet me here and that Taecyeon was out visiting family so we would have space to work. I knew she planned it so it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and I was grateful for that. I knew I would have to get used to the guy eventually, but I just wasn’t ready for it now. Originally we had planned on just working at my usual place, but we agreed that it’d be a lot quieter here than there.

 

Knock Knock

 

I knocked on the door again and after a couple seconds I assumed that she wasn’t here yet and patiently waited outside her door. It had been about a month since graduation and I still hadn’t gotten very far with the song. Everything I wrote had turned out bitter and sad. I was pretty sure that wouldn’t be very fitting for such an occasion. So, I decided to do what I always did when I got stuck writing a song. I went to Tiffany. But this time was different. I had to write a song for them, not for her. Most people probably wouldn’t be able to tell the different, but to me it made all the difference in the world. A song written from me to her and a song written for him and her were two completely different things to me.

 

A giggle from inside snapped me back into my sense.

 

I turned to face the door again, a confused look warping my features.

 

Another giggle.

 

It couldn't be Tiffany, could it? No, that was impossible, the laugh didn't even sound like her. I hesitantly placed my hand on the doorknob when a loud thud against the door coming from the other side made me jump back in shock. I stood there rooted in my spot not knowing what to do. Neither of them should have been home, but the voices I heard coming from inside told me that there must have been at least two people inside, a male and a female voice. Taecyeon? But the girl inside was definitely not Tiffany. I could tell her voice apart from anywhere, and that was not her.

 

I tried to quell the anger that suddenly rose up inside of me. The thought of him with another girl, betraying Tiffany, made me so angry. I tried my best not to jump to conclusions, but the knots in the pit of my stomach didn’t agree with me. As much as I hoped that my assumptions were completely wrong, there was a terrible part of me that hoped I was right—that he was in there doing something that would make me hate him.

 

I decided to knock again.

 

I held my breath up until the point the door finally opened.

 

“Oh, Taeyeon,” he said, surprised. “Tiffany's not here right now. Weren't you two meeting up or something?”

 

“Yeah I know,” I told him, eyeing him warily, but he showed no signs of hiding anything. “She told me to meet her here.”

 

“Oh, well alright then. You can come in,” he smiled awkwardly and moved aside to let me through. “Oh yeah, this is my sister, Jihyen.”

 

“Oh.” I was wrong after all. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. “Nice to meet you, I'm Kim Taeyeon.”

 

“Ah, yes, I've heard about you...” she replied with a forced smile. I frowned at the tone. Already I could tell she didn't like me, and it was fairly obvious why.

 

“Well,” I cleared my throat, “good things, I hope.” I cautiously made my way to sit down on the couch as she raised her eyebrows at me and the fake smile never left her face.

 

Before she could respond Tiffany walked through the door.

 

“Oh, you two haven't left yet?”

 

“Don't worry, we'll be out of your hair in a few minutes,” Taecyeon told her, “I just need to grab some things real fast.”

 

“Alright,” Tiffany grinned, giving him a quick kiss before he left the room. She greeted me cheerfully before taking the seat next to me. Jihyen stared at us warily and I scooted away from Tiffany under her scrutinizing gaze. I wasn't sure if Tiffany was just pretending that she didn't notice the other girl staring us down or if she was really that oblivious.

 

“So, how are you doing Tiffany? I haven't seen you in a while,” she asked. I couldn't tell whether her intentions were malicious or not, but there was definitely something she was holding back and, good intentions or not, my gut told me it wasn't going to end well for either one of us.

 

“I've been good. It's actually pretty great to be back in Korea,” Tiffany smiled softly, quickly glancing at me fidgeting on the other end.

 

“Yeah, Taecyeon told me that it took a while to convince you to come back to the states with him.”

 

We both stiffened and Tiffany nervously laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

Jihyen eyed the both of us curiously. “So, I've always wanted to ask,” she started, legs crossed and leaning forward, “isn't it weird being best friends with someone you know is in love with you?”

 

The both of us froze.

 

I wasn't sure what I had been expecting, but I suppose that this kind of bluntness ran in the family.

 

“Well...” Tiffany started, stealing glances at me every once in a while hoping that I would help. I wanted to, but how?

 

“Well what, Tiffany?” she frowned. “You're marrying my brother but from what he tells me, you're very attached to Taeyeon here, who you know just so happens to be in love with you. Don't you think that's a little weird?”

 

“We're friends,” Tiffany replied firmly, “best friends. For over ten years now.” She turned to look at me and didn't break our eye contact as she told her softly, “Of course I'm very attached to her.”

 

I took a deep breath and spoke up, still sweating bullets. “It's not weird because we're friends first before anything. Whatever it is that I feel...” I hadn't realized that Tiffany and I were still blatantly staring at each other and I had to look away before I said my next few words. “Whatever my feelings are towards her...that is my own problem, not theirs.” I gulped under the unwavering stare of both the women in the room even as I firmly kept eyesight on my lap, feeling the heavy air start to come down even harder on me. “So, there's absolutely nothing to worry about, if you were thinking anything weird...” My voice came out a lot more shaky than I had wanted. I couldn't bring myself to look up at either of them.

 

“So, the both of you can honestly tell me right now that this doesn't feel weird at all?”

 

“It's only weird because you're putting us on the spot.” Tiffany sounded like she was about to burst. “What right do you have to judge us for how we've decided to deal with this?”

 

Jihyen couldn't help but laugh at that, apparently. I finally looked up in confusion only to see her giving me a, surprisingly, concerned look. “Deal with it? Oh please, this girl is so hopelessly in love with you that she'd do anything to keep you by her side...”

 

“You don't understand.” Tiffany stood up and I could hear her breathing hard. “You won't understand unless you're us.”

 

“How selfish can you be, Tiffany?”

 

“She's not selfish,” I tried to argue back, but my voice seemed to fade into the background.

 

“Taeyeon, you're far too biased to be giving me any opinions on Tiffany,” she frowned at me and for a moment it actually looked like she cared. “I'm honestly trying to help you out here.”

 

“And how exactly are you doing that by attacking her?”

 

“I'm not attacking her,” she turned back to Tiffany with a completely different look in her eyes, “I'm attacking you.”

 

“What are you—“

 

“How selfish can you be to keep your best friend by your side even though she's obviously in love with you? How selfish can you be to have her suffer like this because you can't bear to lose your best friend?” Her voice was calm and level, and I could tell Tiffany was on the verge of tears because I could feel her seething from where I was sitting. She raised an eyebrow at Tiffany before continuing. “Or is it because you feel something for her too?”

 

“Noona!” Taecyeon came in yelling. I wasn't sure how much of the commotion he had heard, but he seemed conflicted when he pulled his sister out the door, apologizing for how she was acting, and let us dwell in the awkward atmosphere that she had left with us.

 

I cleared my throat and shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Should we get started?”

 

“Taeyeon.”

 

I didn't want to talk about what had happened. The more people talked about it, the more I was reminded that I was fool in love.

 

“Taeyeon,” she said again after a few moments of silence. I looked up at her, still in the same place she had been standing when Jihyen was confronting her.

 

“What is it, Fany-ah?” I asked softly, tearing my gaze away from her again and decided to focus on the color of the pants I had been wearing, picking at the material every so often just so I'd have something to distract me.

 

“Do you think she's right?” her voice cracked.

 

“About what?” I frowned, still playing with the fabric of my pants. “About whether you're selfish or not? Because I don't think you are, Fany-ah. I've always told you, always, that you are my friend before anything else. That still stands. You're an important person to me whether we're friends or...something else.” I took a deep breath and finally looked back up into her guilt-filled eyes. “You are more than my feelings for you, okay?”

 

I grabbed her hands and pulled her so she sat by my side again.

 

“Okay,” she agreed softly, sniffling a little bit. “But what about...what about that other thing she asked?”

 

I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “What other thing?” The words almost got stuck in my throat. “About whether...you had feelings for me too?”

 

She wasn't looking at me anymore, suddenly finding the hardwood floors more interesting, but she nodded lightly.

 

It felt like a long time before I finally asked her.

 

“...Do you?”

 

I wasn't sure if she had even heard me—I wasn't even sure if I had actually said it. My heart felt like it wanted to leap out of my chest and I could barely hear anything over the incessant pounding.

 

“I...I thought I didn't—not more than anything friendly...”

 

I took another deep breath, not even sure that this conversation was actually happening—that these words were actually being said to each other out loud. “You thought?”

 

“I thought...” she looked up at me again, eyes still filled with guilt—what for though, I wasn't so sure anymore. “But then being apart from you so long...and then seeing you again...and,” she laughed softly before squeezing my hands that I hadn't even realized were still holding hers. “And hearing you say all these sweet things to me again...”

 

“So...you do feel something?” I held my breath as soon as the question came out. I had pictured this moment in my head so many times, and never has the scenario played out like it had.

 

“I...” she let go of my hands, “I don't exactly think that it's such an absurd idea...that I could possibly have feelings for you.”

 

It was funny how at one moment it felt like everything was going in slow motion, but as soon as it was over you think to yourself,

 

Is it really over already?

 

 

“Fany-ah…”

 

I stood in the doorway of my room staring at the curled up figure in my bed. It was what she always did when she wanted to get away from everyone. She would always curl up in my bed and just lie there for hours. I asked her once why she did that, why she would curl up in my bed and not her own, why this was her way of “getting away from everyone” when I was still there like I always would be.

 

She told me, “Well you’re not exactly ‘everyone’, are you Tae?”

 

I didn’t say another word as I climbed into bed with her and wrapped my arms around her pulling her into a hug. She lied there limply in my arms, not even returning the hug. I had never seen her so lifeless. She would always lie lifelessly in my arms and we would stay like that for hours, not making a sound.

 

I knew something had happened, but me or any of the other girls could get her to talk.

 

I was startled when Tiffany’s voice broke the silence that she had kept for the past two days.

 

“We broke up,” she said softly, “the wedding's off.”

 

There weren't any tears—maybe she had run out of them at that point. I didn't say anything and I rubbed circles on her back, remembering that she used to love that.

 

“You must be happy,” she spat out bitterly. I had to admit, I was a little offended that she could even think that I would be happy at a time like this.

 

“Why would I be happy?”

 

“Because you hated him,” she stated as if it were a fact.

 

“I didn’t, not before. I could never hate someone that made you happy. Didn’t I tell you already? I’m happy if you’re happy, and I’m sad if you’re sad.”

 

She pulled away from me and stared at me with an empty gaze. I stared back curiously.

 

Before I could even blink I felt myself being pushed back onto the bed and a pair of soft lips attacking my own. I felt the butterflies flutter in my stomach as she moved her lips aggressively against mine. My mind couldn’t even comprehend what was going on when she forced her tongue into my mouth. I felt my body heat up and I instinctively responded fervently to the kiss. When I tried to move my hands, I realized that she had pinned both of my arms down tightly onto the bed, restricting any movement in my arms.

 

The longer the kiss went on, the more terrified I got.

 

She only got more aggressive and through my fogged mind I came to my senses and tried to pull away, but she only gripped onto my arms even tighter. She gripped it so hard to the point where I swear that there would be bruises forming where her hands were. My mind screamed at me to keep going. This was everything I had wanted for years. It was being served to me on a plate willingly and all I had to do accept it.

 

But my heart wouldn’t allow it.

 

So, against every other instinct in my body, I followed my heart and roughly pushed her off of me.

 

“Tiffany…”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

She hovered over me and I felt the tears streaming down her face fall onto mine. When had she started crying? I couldn’t find the words to say as I stared up into her sorrow filled eyes. I felt her grip tighten on my arms and I winced in pain.

 

“What’s wrong?!” she screamed through her tears.

 

“This is…” I whispered to her, barely able to find my voice. “This is what’s wrong…”

 

She sobbed and for the first time in years, I had no idea what to do or say to make her feel better.

 

“Isn’t this what you want?” she choked out.

 

I felt her grip loosen and I took that chance to gently pull her off of me and moved her so she was sitting in front of me. I shook my head at her.

 

“Do you honestly see me that way?”

 

I watched her avoid my gaze for a while before she settled to stare at her hands instead. “But…you’re so good to me…you’re so sweet…so why…” She looked up and finally looked me in the eyes. She let go of my wrists and rolled over back onto her side.

 

“Hey,” I said in a tone that I had hoped was calming in some sense and pulled her back into a hug, “talk to me. You can tell me anything.”

 

She stared at me for a long while before she decided to say anything.

 

“I don't think I like you.”

 

I couldn't help but start to remove my arms from around her. “Oh.”

 

“No,” she grabbed my arms and kept them in place, “that's not what I meant. I meant...that I don't think I like you in that way...not the way you feel about me.”

 

There was more. There had to be. “

 

“But?” I urged her to continue.

 

“But...I just...” she sighed and leaned in to kiss me lightly, much different from how she had pounced against me before, “I'm just so confused. Because I like being with you Taeyeon I really do, and even, you know, this,” she kissed me again, “is kind of nice.”

 

I was waiting for the drop, but all rational thinking had gone out the door when she started kissing me like that, like we were something more than what we were.

 

“It's just...I don't know how to explain it. I don't...I don't really see you like that, but I enjoy this—I like what we have.”

 

I leaned in this time, the kiss lasting just a little longer than the pecks she had just given me.

 

“Let's start from here, then, if you don't mind.”

 

“Taeyeon...I don't want us to be friends with benefits or anything like that.”

 

I nuzzled my face into her neck, hearing her sigh in content. “What...what would be so wrong with that?” My mind was too foggy. All I could think about how close she was to me, about how I could do these things to her without fear that she'd shy away.

 

It was a stupid question though.

 

“Because you actually have feelings, Taeyeon...I don't know...I don't know if I could do that to you. Haven't I put you through enough?”

 

I leaned back so I could look at her face again, pulling her even closer to me. “I don't care,” I heard myself say before I leaned in to kiss her again. I knew she liked it. It was easy to tell by the way she sank into my embrace. It lasted much longer this time before she had mustered up the willpower to pull away from me again.

 

“But I care,” she told me softly, a finger coming up to trace my jawline. “I don't want to hurt you.”

 

I was so close.

 

So, god damned, close.

 

“We've gotten this far, Fany-ah,” I tried to reason with her. “Why not give it a shot? Why not take a chance?”

 

“Because,” she pulled away frustratingly, “what if this is the last straw? What if this—whatever this is—is finally enough to ruin our friendship for good?”

 

I frowned at her, feeling her slip away from me.

 

“I...I really want to try, Taeyeon, and if the circumstances were any different, I would in a heartbeat, but...”

 

I cut her off with a kiss. I was being stupid, I knew that—hell, she knew that. But, she didn't pull away when I deepened it. She pulled me closer, and all I could feel was how fast her heart was beating.

 

“Fany-ah,” I said when I finally pulled away, “frankly, at this point,” I laughed, “I don't ing care.”

 

“But—“

 

“Let's just be us, and if this is us...” I leaned in again, knowing that I was only setting myself up for more heartbreak.

 

I wondered if she thought the same thing.

 

“Then so be it.”