Even I am surprised at this update, but it's just been too long, okay?

Of all the things that could be flashing through Lu Han’s mind while they are moving stealthily through the dense forests of the hinterlands, he is reminded of the Astronomy classes they took when they were younger, as part of their guardian training. Nights had been spent peeking into telescopes to map constellations, compare the sizes of stars and trace the movements of the various planets.

Lu Han never liked those classes. He did not fancy delving into something as infinite as the universe. Now, he knows why.

It is because Lu Han has never been comfortable with the idea of not knowing something. Familiarizing himself with the galaxy their planet is in, like they used to do in their Astronomy classes, just made Lu Han that much more aware of the vastness of things he did not know of the universe—of the galaxies past their galaxy, of even the stars within their galaxy that are waiting to be picked, to be glimpsed through the telescope too. Can they wait? Or does their starlight fade before someone appreciates its beauty?

He is reminded because, earlier, after he had stepped out of the hovercraft that had brought them to the hinterlands, he was able to look up to a sky pinpricked with stars as numerous as grains of sand. They had been told of this by their Astronomy teacher—that in the hinterlands, the sky is much clearer. There is no fog, no particles blocking the magnificent view.

For a moment, Lu Han had afforded himself a chance to be caught breathless and amazed, and the idea that Jongin would have appreciated this view much better than he did. He had given himself one last opportunity to think about Jongin, and then cleared his head as he followed the others into the depths of the hinterland forests.

***

Still, as he tries to noiselessly walk on soil littered with dried leaves and the protruding roots and stems of various plants, he is tempted to scan the skies for any disturbance, more than necessary. Once or twice, Taeyong has caught him giving longer-than-brief glances up at the firmament. He tries to pretend he is looking out for extraordinary movement from the thick canopy of trees, but it is a task trickier to actually pay attention.

What is he looking for anyway? Is he searching for answers? He thought he had figured out the answers before he had left for this mission, which is why he is in this mission in the first place. Is he looking for a way to turn back now?

Certainly not. He volunteered for this. There is a reason why he is here.

He tries to focus more on his surroundings on land, imitating the way Taeyong is being alert. Taeyong’s asset in the mission is his keen senses. He can spot the difference between the rustling of leaves brought about by the natural course of the wind and that caused by an unnatural disturbance, or pick out aberrant noises before they reach anyone else’s ears, or sense movement from miles away by feeling the ground he is walking on.

Yet even when he knows he has the inherent sharp talent, Taeyong likes to make sure that he does not leave anything to chance, that all his senses are actively attuned to the environment instead of merely passively accepting signals. It makes Lu Han feel grateful that Taeyong is here with them, even though he is not supposed to.

Taeyong is not fully a guardian yet. He and other boys his age were a year away from being assigned to their own guardian division when the war had reached its peak. Inevitably, due to the need for soldiers to fend off the attacks, Taeyong and the others had been pulled from training to participate in battles they were barely ready for.

They were just boys, but the war forced them to fight like men.

Many people thought Taeyong was being cocky, asking to be sent in multiple missions to propel himself into the limelight, play the hero. But Lu Han has always known better. He had known the kid ever since he was chosen to train for guardianship. He knows that the only reason Taeyong is sacrificing himself is because he is trying to protect someone else.

Like he is doing now.

Lu Han had wanted to berate him, wanted to demand that he be sent back home the moment Taeyong had stepped into the hovercraft just before it left headquarters. But Taeyong had only refuted him with reasonable comebacks. The kid’s above average capacity to articulate logical arguments while speaking calmly served to infuriate Lu Han, but there was nothing else that could be done. The team was stronger with him in it; even Yunho, their assigned team leader, had agreed.

It still didn’t mean Lu Han was fully okay with it, though.

***

“You know you’ll have to talk to me at some point sooner or later, hyung.” Taeyong’s voice sounds smug, playful even, like it was speaking to him at a location distant from the interior of a hovercraft hoisting them towards a dangerous destination.

“I prefer later.”

Taeyong chuckles from beside Lu Han as he fiddles with the buckle of his seatbelt, the action making low snap, snap noises. Lu Han tries to ignore it, ignore him, by concentrating on the other passengers.

On the opposite side of the hovercraft, he sees Siwon trying to lay his head on Donghae’s shoulder, even though the bands strapping him to his own seat are preventing him to. It’s an intimate gesture, and Lu Han tries to ignore that too, along with the staggering sensation in his stomach that has nothing to do with travelling in an aircraft.

 “And here I thought you’d be the one to understand why I’m doing this.”

His gaze snaps to Taeyong then, noticing for the first time the exhaustion that is etched into the boy’s handsome face. As he tries to throw on a smirk, reminiscent of Jongin's own, it is weary, like an old piece of clothing worn too much and too frequently. At first glance, Taeyong's facial resemblance to Jongin is uncanny, given that they are not blood-related. Both have a rather noticeable jaw yet not too pointy chin; dark brown eyes, almost deeply black when taking in the full face, very expressive; and impressively defined cheekbones. Even as Jongin sports dark brown hair, Taeyong a bright shock of silvery blonde with a few purple strands, they could pass off as brothers.

But where Jongin has adjusted to the demands of their role in society, sharpening his expressions and hiding a bit behind hooded eyes, Taeyong has yet to stow away the openness of his emotions, has yet to grow from the softness of his façade. It’s unfair, Lu Han thinks, for anyone to be this tired at such a young age.

“What does that even mean?”

“It means I’m not a child, hyung. Don’t think I don’t know that you’re doing the exact same thing. Actually—” the boy him a knowing gaze, “you’re doing worse.”

Any other time Lu Han would have crafted a vehement denial, but now it just seems generally unfair to lie. His consciousness catches up with Taeyong’s last words, though. “Worse?”

"Jongin-hyung..." Taeyong says gingerly, as if testing unchartered waters. "He doesn't know, does he?"

The mention of Jongin's name gives Lu Han pause, making him go through the nights he'd mulled the mission over in his head. The irony stands that the reason why he had volunteered is also the reason why he’d hesitated and wanted to pull back. The reason has always been Jongin.

Instead of answering however, he clears his throat and poses his own question. "What about Jaehyun, does he know?"

"Well," says Taeyong. Unconsciously, he stops snapping the belt buckle. "He probably knows now. President Lee was set to alert all units to stand by the moment we left headquarters."

"So you didn't tell him yourself?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Come on, hyung." His tone is serious as he glances over at the elder. "We both know he'd have volunteered to come himself if he found out they'd been recruiting guardians. I wasn't gonna let that happen."

"So you're being a hero out on a dangerous mission and you didn't even tell your friend?"

At this, Taeyong lets out a chuckle. "Sounds like something you’d do, right? My situation’s different from yours, though.”

“Different how?”

"Because Jongin-hyung is your boyfriend," he replies exasperatedly. "Aren't people who are in a relationship supposed to share things with each other? Especially suicide missions and other potentially dangerous and important stuff, yada yada?" He allows a sidelong glance towards his companion that makes Lu Han feel as if he was being tried by a jury.

His eyes widen and his lips part quite a distance as he tries to process Taeyong's assumption. "Boyfriend? What— Why on earth would you think that?"

"Think what?"

"That Jongin is.. well, that he and I are in a relationship?"

Taeyong can't help it; he gawps at his hyung. "You're not?"

The other shakes his head, not understanding his need to swallow as well. It's like a lump has wedged itself past his throat and taken residence in his stomach, heavy with the weight of his negative response.

"Oh," says Taeyong dumbly, shaking his head in disbelief. "Oh. Really? I mean, we thought you guys were practically married."

"We?" asks Lu Han, voice raspy.

"Everybody?" replies Taeyong, much to Lu Han's wide-eyed horror. "We just assumed since, you know, you guys are always together and you live together and you treat each other like, I don't know, like there's no other person you'd rather be with at any moment and— hyung? Hyung, are you alright?"

For Lu Han has launched into a coughing fit that he doesn't think is due to bacteria or an illness. Taeyong tries to thump him on the back but can only appear to flail on his seat, hitting Lu Han on the shoulder.

"Ow. Wait, Taeyong. I'm— I'm fine." Lu Han bats his hand away, wheezing as the coughing starts to die down. "I'm fine, just give me a moment."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be upset about what I said," Taeyong murmurs.

"I'm not upset." Lu Han attempts a nonchalant tone. "Just surprised, is all."

"You tell me surprised! Wait till the other NCT members find out, when all the other units find out. They'd be devastated! You guys were long the poster couple for a perfect relationship."

"Yeah, well," Lu Han clears his throat, looking away. "There's no relationship, so..."

 Taeyong regards him with confusion, until realization dawns into his brown eyes. "But you love him... don't you? You’re in love with him?" He gasps.

"I..." Lu Han's gaze swings back to his face. The denial surges at him, wants to be let out into the air, but he quashes it down. En route to an area that the enemy knows much more than their small rescue party has ever mapped in the weeks they've strategized, the odds are stacked against their survival. Lu Han has found it in himself to accept that he might not make it out alive in this mission. In what may be his remaining hours left, he decides to give truth its wings this time.

"I am."

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