There was a lull backstage where the crew was busy working with another group, and their staff was still cleaning up their mess. JinSeok and JunKyu were still changing and SeYong was pacing the hallways trying to get his energy out. The older members sat in a comfortable silence, each once occasionally shifting their glances to check the other while busying themselves on their phones. InSoo could hear the gentle sound of his leader’s headphones as he monitored the performances. The dancer watched his leader’s round eyes scan the event as they calculated how well that their group had done in comparison to others, and watched as nimble fingers trace the screen out of interest. The sound of his game drew him back into his own phone as he clicked to move on to the next level. GunWoo’s eyes drifted up to linger on the gentle upturn of the corners of his hyung’s plush lips as he tapped away on the screen. It wasn’t hard to forget that InSoo was the oldest, not that he looked it, but he carried himself in such a way that was hard to master in youth. The dancer was graceful and strong but his aura was warm and reassuring. The leader appreciated him in a way that he could very few people, as something absolutely necessary in this life. In these everyday moments it was InSoo whose presence comforted him best. Their comfortable silence was broken by a hyper SeYong carrying their maknae like a baby into the room while JungKyu followed, complaining. The two older boys exchanged glances and light smiles before joining their bandmates.

    They rode side by side in the van, knees bumping gently and elbows pressed together, gathering heat off of one another. SeYong was leaned over the back of their seat, chest pressed into their hyung’s neck while they watch a dancer performance together. InSoo allowed the contact, as he always did, and laughed loudly when SeYong got too excited and started to yank his torso around. It was okay, their hyung was strong and tough and could take their abuse. JinSeok complained loudly about SeYong’s tush in his face and JunKyu laughed heartily from his seat up front. GunWoo was too busy reeling from the feeling of his thigh brushing against thick but lean muscles but he knew that if he pulled away it would be suspicious. He kept his silence and hid his nervousness with awkwardness as always. InSoo watched the screen, letting his eyes occasionally glance at the boy beside him, hiding flushed cheeks with an awkward expression before SeYong shook him one more time, excitedly blabbering about wanting to try a few new moves. Once the performance had ended and the hyper kid had switched his attention to the complaining maknae the oldest member reached out and squeezed his slender leader’s thigh. “You did well today, leader-nim.” InSoo noted in a quiet voice. The compliment warmed the leader who couldn’t help but smile awkwardly at his hyung. He did well, hyung thought so.

    InSoo fussed at SeYong for continuously fouling and the younger complained that his hyung wasn’t being fun at all. He could play rough since it was only them. Of course, only them meant himself, his two hyungs, and VIXX’s HongBin. At first GunWoo had complained about being forced to tag along in place of another VIXX member who had suddenly received another schedule. He liked soccer but basketball was something completely different and he may be tall but he wasn’t familiar with the sport so he was clumsy and constantly trying to keep up with what was happening. Luckily for him HongBin was a very nice guy and provided a lot of help along the way. He needed to remember to tell HaKyun thanks for raising a good kid… if only he’d raised good kids. The hyung and the troublemaker almost came to blows when SeYong knocked GunWoo out of the small court for the third time. HongBin offered to sit to the side with the dark haired leader and let the two of them play a bit by themselves. The competitive fire was lit and they were in the zone in an instant. From the side the VIXX member slipped in sassy comments that constantly seemed to throw SeYong off of his game. HongBin was nice, for sure, but he certainly knew where and when to swing for maximum effect. GunWoo liked anyone who could catch their troublemaker off guard. He could even hold friendly conversation with the other and was never called ‘odd’ or ‘awkward’. HongBin seemed to accept his oddness with a sort of fondness that made him feel like they may have a little in common. From the side they watched the competition and the dark haired leader of MyName watched his hyung. He watched his fierce expression, graceful muscles, and astonishing ability and remembered why InSoo was always on athletic shows. After a couple of hours of them all playing together HongBin bought them all water. The eldest of the group accepted it sweetly before ripping the cap off and chugging it down. GunWoo watched the sweat drip across his cheeks, down his jaw and drip against his exposed collarbone. The leader learned to like basketball and continued to play with them.

           They sung a duet together on stage, voices resonating together and out into the arena. InSoo’s soft tone danced along with his leader’s power and they glanced at each other with bright smiles. They liked this stage but mostly they liked singing together. At first they were supposed to stand with their mics and perform a little dance but the idea was scrapped due to GunWoo’s clumsiness. They’d practiced a few times but each try had gone awry. InSoo could keep the motions and the beat; dancing was, after all, his first passion but the dark haired lanky leader would struggle or fall. It only took one glance, one chance meeting of their eyes, and the younger boy seemed to lose control of his feet. He’d stumble, trip, or fall. Once he nearly walked off of the stage and was lucky that the older boy had the quick reflexes to grab him, not that the warmth helped to ease his clumsiness. The idea of them dancing, and even standing, was scrapped. The two boys sat next to one another on stools singing passionately into the microphones, heads gently tilted to hold eye contact, and music resounding through them. InSoo’s eyes lingered for a moment longer than his leader’s, watching the older boy hit a particularly hard note, watching his profile as he grinned at the crowd. Backstage the other members complimented them and cheered proudly over their performance. The dark haired leader managed to busy himself talking to a staff member while his hyung changed, sneaking in afterwards to quickly change on his own. He tripped in his hurry and caught himself on the closest chair. A lingering warmth soaked into his palm and his eyes flittered across the older boy’s abandoned stage outfit. He glanced around once to be sure no one was around and lifted the fabric to his cheek. The smell of eucalyptus and deodorant drifted into his nose and the lingering heat warmed his skin. Just as quickly as he’d lifted it he laid it back out exactly where it had been left and hurried change and meet the others.

             Large eyes drifted over the half asleep dancer who was yawning at the table. Chestnut colored hair tousled every which way and eyes puffy with sleep, watering as he let out a larger yawn than the others. GunWoo watched his plush lips move and his perfect row of teeth show. It wasn’t like you could miss InSoo’s perfect teeth since he was always smiling anyway, but he took that moment to admire them. Two delicate but strong first lifted to rub against his hyung’s tired eyes and cheeks attempting, in vain, to push the numbness away. The leader allowed a little smile before making a cup of coffee to serve the older. The chestnut haired boy sniffed the dark liquid and lit up happily blowing it off a little before taking a big gulp. The younger watched the dancer’s muscles sift and move as if they were returning back to life. After a moment he moved to pour his own cup and InSoo spoke up, “Thanks, GunWoo-yah.” He tilted his head to look over an acknowledge the older boy but the bright smile he met caught him off guard. It was breathtaking no matter how many times he sees it, “You’re my favorite.” The last words caught him off guard and he twitched, forgetting about the steaming dark liquid he was pouring. Coffee splashed everywhere and the leader jumped, setting the kettle down and scurrying for something to clean it with. It was the hyung who came forward with a towel brushing his firm, muscular chest against the leader’s back as he wiped the mess up. GunWoo felt his face flush with humiliation and mumbled apologies but his hyung was still smiling brightly. InSoo couldn’t help himself. GunWoo was too cute when he was caught off guard. His cheeks were flushed pink and he words came out jumped as he murmured apologies. The elder bit his chuckles back like always. “It’s okay, leader-nim, it’s just really early, right?” InSoo gave him a way out and the leader took it, giving a slow awkward nod.

    When the woman interviewing them had asked their hyung who their favorite dongseng was a noticeable tension filled the room. The three youngest boys exchanged competitive glaces while Gunwoo averted his eyes too a stylist who was thumping around backstage. He honestly didn’t want to know the answer to this question. There were two options in his case: him or someone else. If it was someone else he knew that he’d be sad and grumpy for the rest of the day, but if it was, by some miracle, him then he was sure he’d suddenly have some false sense of hope and the dream he’d been hiding will haunt him. The oldest member thought about it for a while before replying, “I like all of my dongsengs, but these days think that I like GunWoo best, because he is quieter.” The other members complained lightly but they accepted the answer, it was true that they were rowdy compare to their hyungs and maybe the leader needed a little love every once in awhile. The leader, however, froze momentarily and was lost in his thoughts until JunKyu gently kneed him in the back. He hesitantly flashed an awkward grin and gave a little satisfied nod, ignoring the feeling of InSoo’s eyes on his skin. InSoo watched his leader’s odd behavior with a little smile on his lips and JunKyu shot him an amused glance while patting their leader on the back. When she asked in GunWoo also though that InSoo was best the leader agreed, but that part wasn’t aired. It wasn’t aired because JunKyu knocked his stool over in laughter and SeYong declared that InSoo was his hyung and he wouldn’t share. Chaos erupted and it took InSoo’s serious face to calm them. No one wanted to irritate their hyung because he was in charge of two things: dance practice, and working out. Although InSoo didn’t seem like the type, he could hold a grudge and would make the offender sweat out his anger. It hadn’t happened often and most often the victims were JunKyu or SeYong who like to cause trouble.

    Two months. There was a two month break in group activities because of JinSeok’s injury and for the most part the members were pretty okay with it. Everyone was looking for a chance to visit family and friends… and get a full night of sleep. After the first week GunWoo started watching their performances and talk shows. Although he claimed to be monitoring their performances he was really just watching one member. The beauty and grace that was Kang InSoo as he floated around the stage. The strength and beauty that was his special presence, and the sincerity in his voice. He missed his hyung but he could never admit it. After the first month InSoo’s variety show took a brief break and he called the members together for drinks. JunKyu decided to stay home, since he’d already left Seoul for his hometown. The four of them sat together in a small restaurant clammering happily over soju and snacks. They talked about life and what they had been up to. InSoo complained because no one even texted him. Sure he was busy with the show, but he’d missed s and they were all too busy for him now. GunWoo regretted all of the times he’d decided against texting the older boy. GunWoo lost count of how many bottles they drank, and lost track of his silence along the way. Jinnie had carted SeYong away in a taxi and now GunWoo stood, leaning in the shorter man’s side letting the smell of eucalyptus and deodorant drift into his senses. They were waiting for a taxi of their own, huddled together to escape the cold. Once their ride arrived InSoo took the liberty of directing the driver to the dorm instead of either of their houses. Maybe it was the drinks? The silence wasn’t odd as they sat, staring out of the window’s in the car. It was the normalcy within their relationship. Something that they understood together.

    GunWoo just had to ruin it.

    “Hyung, I really missed you.” he slurred out, hazy in his drunken state.

    “I know, Woo-ya, I missed you too.” InSoo sounded decidedly more sober.

    “I missed you most, hyung. More than the others.”

    “Really?” This seemed to catch the elder off guard as the taxi stopped and they paid before sliding back out into the cold air. Another silence as they waved to the security guard and rode the elevator up but this time it was different. GunWoo was nervous and kept berating himself for speaking his thoughts out as if it were nothing at all while his hyung stayed terrifyingly quiet. How could he be so clumsy? Once inside GunWoo stood at the door awkwardly struggling to untie his tennis shoes. InSoo had already slipped his off and was collapsed onto the loveseat, calves hanging over the arm. When the leader had finally stripped himself of his shoes and jacket he hung back for a second before deciding to plop down on the couch. “Don’t sit there, come here.” The dancer ordered, waving the younger boy over. The dark haired boy gave in and moved to sit beneath his hyung’s heavy head. “Hyung’s tired, he’s been working a lot, play with my hair.” The older boy noted and GunWoo obeyed immediately. He rarely got the chance to touch the fluffy chestnut colored hair that sort of felt like silky soft fur. He watched as the older boy hummed in satisfaction, eyes drifting shut and muscles beginning to relax. The smell of the patches being used to cool InSoo’s overused muscles overpowered the scent of alcohol and the other boy smiled. His hyung always seemed to smell like medicated patches. He worked very hard for MyName but he also worked hard for the athletic variety shows that called him claiming that if he did well there then the band would get more recognition. GunWoo watched the older boy’s face for what seemed like ages before he too fell asleep. He had no idea how he’d come to lay in his own bed with a sleeping tiger whose heat was overwhelming.

    The smell of medicated patches an soju interlaced in his sheets mimicking their limbs that were intertwined. He was lying on his back with InSoo’s arm around his stomach and their legs all tangled together, the older boy’s breath tickled the skin on his neck as he nuzzled forward and into the gentle crook. “Hyung” he called softly and the grip on his waist tightened but his face showed no sign of waking. He gently struggled to roll on his side and face the other, still failing in his attempt at waking the heavy hyung. He called out again and this time a little groan escaped the elder’s lips. “Shh” he warned softly, “hyung wants to sleep.”

    “But you’re heavy.”

    “So are you. I carried you in here so let me sleep a little more.”

    One comment and GunWoo’s heart was pounding in his chest, his cheeks reddening and his will to wake them broken. They could lay there for a little longer, neither of them had anywhere else to be afterall. Instead of allowing the dark haired boy to suffer the elder withdrew his weight, only leaving the warm arm encircling him and the younger was a little dissatisfied with the loss. But he’d never tell. The second time he woke up to the scent of food and coffee. The dorm, which had been empty for so long, seemed to burn with sound as his hyung busied himself in the kitchen. Thank God for InSoo having lived by himself before debut because he was a pretty good cook and never burned anything. GunWoo stumbled from the bed into the bathroom, bathing the scent of booze off of himself before putting on some comfortable clothes and meeting InSoo in the kitchen. Omelets. Of course InSoo would make something healthy. “Water or coffee?” the elder asked without looking up.

    “Coffee”

    “Sure thing, Woo-ya.”

    It didn’t take long before they sat across from each other munching down on the rather delicious healthy meal and down coffee. He learned that InSoo had actually been staying at the dorm the whole time because his parent’s house was too far away. He also learned that InSoo found it rather lonely to live there by himself so he decided to stay.

    They’d been back in the dorm for a three days, just the two of them, and GunWoo still wasn’t used to being alone together. He kept spilling drinks or tripping on furniture. He really hadn’t thought this through properly. It was late in the evening and he’d just spilt a whole bowl of popcorn because InSoo had gotten too close and caught him off guard. They knelt together on the floor to pick up the kernels when their fingers brushed together. The younger felt his heart jump and he meant to move back but the elder was quicker. InSoo wrapped their fingers together and tightened his grip on the younger’s hand. Slowly GunWoo lifted his eyes to feel his hyung’s. They were smiling, gently shaped as crescents and beautiful and the younger lost his ability to breath for a moment. “Woo-ya” InSoo almost whispers, “I missed you most as well.” The leader had no idea how to respond and froze, staring at his hyung. There was a moment of their eyes unable to leave each others before the chestnut haired dancer coughed and released ’s hand, moving back and picking himself off of the floor to fetch the vacuum cleaner. The silence was awkward again and the leader struggled to remember what a normal breathing pattern sounded like. They finished the move, side by side, with their shoulders and thighs touching.

    Finally, a few days before the others were due to return InSoo asked the question GunWoo had been avoiding. He couldn’t lie, he didn’t have the ability to. He couldn’t even keep their surprise birthday parties secret. They sat together on the couch with both their backs against the arm rests and feet intertwined playfully. The leader had been reading a book that his friend has sent him and the dancer was watching sports on the television. The dark haired boy panicked and couldn’t figure out where to rest his eyes so he stared meaningfully at the words on the page before him pretending like he hadn’t heard. The text all blurred together and he had no idea what was going on in the story anymore because his mind was filled with loud chaotic thoughts about InSoo finding out. “GUNWOO” InSoo raised his voice a little to snap the younger out of his trace, glaring at the pages of the book. The younger hesitantly met his eyes. “GunWoo did you hear me?” An awkwardly feigned innocent head shake. The elder sighed and hooked their legs together, holding the younger down by force. GunWoo shook beneath his strength but he knew that the younger wasn’t afraid of being hurt by him. Not physically. He’d been heard the first time. “Woo-ya” he softened his voice and his expression warmed, “I need to know. Do you like me, romantically?”

    Of course InSoo would be blunt about it and GunWoo couldn’t lie.

    “I do.” he replied with a blank expression before turning his eyes back to the book and cursing himself a million times over. It was all ruined now.

    “You do?”

    Definitely.

    When the members returned the awkward silence between their hyungs went unnoticed as the normal chaos that was their group filled the gaps with noise and cheer. They hadn’t spoken about it since and an air of awkwardness covered them but all of their contact was normal enough. InSoo still let their thighs touch, still cheered him on, still smiled at him, still woke up early with him but somewhere something had changed. The leader accidentally tilted SeYong’s drink at the dinner table but the other caught it in time. “Don’t worry, leader-nim” InSoo noted and suddenly GunWoo realized what had changed, “It’s okay to be tired. We’re old.” The darked haired boy gulped softly and stared at his plate before pushing it away and excusing himself to bathe. What happened? His name was gone again, it was back to ‘leader-nim’. Although InSoo meant it respectfully and as a compliment he missed the sound of a nickname rolling off the elder’s tongue. He let his tears fall while the water ran but didn’t make a sound. He regrets being truthful, again.

    GunWoo sits in the front seat of the van and SeYong happily takes the seat next to their hyung, showering him in hyperactive happiness.

    HongBin called him to ask why he’d decided to skip their monthly game and he just said that he was tired.

    The leader kept his eyes on the audience when they sang their duet.

    InSoo choses SeYong as his favorite and GunWoo choses JinSeok.

    Finally, one morning when the two of them were up far earlier than the others InSoo brought it up again, sitting on the counter in the kitchen instead of at the table and waiting for the younger to offer him coffee. The younger dropped the mug and it shattered, debris flooding the kitchen floor. GunWoo stood frozen with his bare feet planted at what he was sure was the only safe place. His hyung rolled over the counter and retrieved their shoes from the doorway. Together they start to pick up the mess in complete silence. Finally the chestnut haired dancer let out a frustrated noise and cursed softly before tossing his handful of debris into the trash and yanking his dongseng out into the living room. “Have you changed your mind?” The elder asked finally.

    GunWoo shook his head. He had tried though.

    “You still like me?”

    Another blank expression and a nod. The dancer glanced towards where the hallway to the bedrooms were before pulling the two of them off to where they could hear the kids before they were seen. “You promise?” InSoo asked with a nervousness that the other wasn’t used to. He nods again, without hesitation. There was a silence before the older of the two looked up and met the younger’s pained eyes. GunWoo would live that moment a million more times to come as his entire world went dizzy. Their lips touched, briefly and extremely gently but still passionately, even if it was only for a split second. The younger’s knees gave out and a strong arm caught him before setting him back on the back of the couch. He stared at the elder for a moment and the other boy brimmed with nervousness, chewing on his lips with his foot bouncing slightly. “Did you just…” the leader breathed and his hyung met his eyes and gave him a slow, steady nod. “Can we… Is it okay… one…” he struggled to regain thought which was quite the task when his hyung’s eyes were burning into him, “Again. Can we?” The elder breathed a breath that his leader didn’t realize he’d been holding, and then nodded. This time the action was slower and each could feel the other’s breaths tingle across their skin before their lips touched again. Warm heat that gave them chills. This time it lasted a little longer and InSoo’s strong arm braced his adorable, awkward,  leader. He steadied them both.

    The leader wasn’t sure what to do. They’d been so busy and hardly had any alone time. He missed InSoo. He missed his touch, his smile, and especially his kisses but he didn’t know what to do. The leader didn’t want to bother the dancer who was almost twice as busy as the rest of them but he was feeling lonely and a little neglected. Eyes followed the dancer as he paced around the sound booth waiting for his turn. Would it be okay to reach out? To call out? How could he bother the other when he was so busy? Wouldn’t it be burdensome for InSoo? He was completely lost in his thoughts as the elder finished his own parts easily and returned from the box, but was snapped from them when he felt himself being yanked backwards. GunWoo stared at his hyung who had yanked him into a small utility closet inside of the studio. They were close enough for their heat to permeate through each other’s clothes and their breaths to dance together. The elder trailed kisses across his leader’s cheeks, nose and then moved to kiss every finger, intertwining their hands and holding tight. “I missed you.” The dancer breathes softly and GunWoo is at a loss for words and accidently knocks over a few brooms that clattered to the side and InSoo breaks out into chuckles.

    The younger remembers before.

“Is this okay?”

     “Of course it’s okay.”

     “But hyung… why me? How can you like me? I’m clumsy and awkward.”

     “Because you're clumsy awkward. It’s cute.”

    His hyung’s words echo and he realizes that he wasn't the only one holding back. He wasn’t the only one who was lonely. He never had been. It had always been mutual, and it had always been awkward and clumsy and cute. That’s just how they were. They kissed, again.