I have been driving aimlessly with no specific destination. Sigh. This is one of those days where I just needed an alone time for myself. It has been awhile since our last shooting of the show. Since then I have been busy with preparing for finals, filming sageuk drama, photoshoots, magazine covers, commercial filmings, interviews, attending events and so on. No wonder I needed to get away. I have lost myself in all the hectic schedule. When was the last time I have gathered my thoughts? I can't hold it no longer and needed to get away from all the noise to re-orient myself. Re-orient my soul to what actually matters. I suddenly afraid that I will lose me and become Gong SeungYeon, the public figure. I needed Yoo SeungYeon again, the girl who finds life as a puzzle to be figured out and to be cherrished when the pieces fits well together.

--

"Manager oppa, do we have any schedule today?" I asked out of the blue. 

"Yes we only have one radio interview today at 11.00 a.m. later then you are free after that. Why you ask SeungYeon-ie?", he asked while looking at the navy blue schedule planner filled with my life's activities dictated by the company. 

"No. I just feel like going out for a drive," I said softly, blurting my desire to have a get away.

"Where do you want to go? I can drive you," he kindly offered even though it is not in his duty schedule. 

"Ooh it is ok Oppa. I might bring JeongYeon or one of the girls if they are not busy," looking at him nodding his head, knowing that he knows who I am referring to. 

The radio interview went well just like several other interviews that I have done before. The radio DJs joked and teased me about my previous work. We followed the script provided by the producer, approved by my company. It is all routine by now and I am slowly catching up the game of entertainment. 

---

Manager Oppa dropped me to my apartment and I went up to drop my things and grab my car keys. And here I am 2 hours later, still driving with no specific destination in mind. The sky was dark when I came out of the apartment and the dark clouds couldn't bear its weight anymore. I switched on the wipers. The tempo of the wipers' constant movement brings me back to the sound of a metronome. This brings me to a vivid picture. Him sitting cross-legged on the floor at the corner, not caring the disgruntled looks of his stylists because they don't want any crease or dirt on his sponsored clothes. Softly he strums his electric green guitar. The flamboyant green colour is such a contrast to his pale white skin. Again he got lost in his rituals of perfecting his chords and rhythms following the tempo on his metronome. This is my favourite part of the day when we have breaks or touch up our make up or moving between filming locations. Him lost in his music, me lost in his aesthetic. Sometimes he would look up and met my eyes. Entranced I couIdn't look away. I would give him a small smile and he would reciprocate with a dazzling one. Again not caring of the amused looks of the crews or the warned look from his manager. 

Am I still in your memory as you are etched forever in mine?  

It has been a long time since the show ended. We said our promises to keep in touch but us being pulled away by work, schedules, haters, management couldn't fight the strong tide that kept separating us to the point that the texts gets lesser as we do not have any common topic and inexplicably we lost contact. Just like two stangers that met on a train and hit it off well just to be separated as we got off at different stations. 

All I ask is

if this is my last night with you 

hold me like I'm more that just a friend

give me a memory I can use

take me by the hand while we do what lovers do

it matters how this ends

cause what if I never love again?

Adele's All I Ask is playing on the radio and the words brought tears to my eyes. Why does this song play when I am thinking about him? How I wish we could go back and have an end. Our story started like a fairy tale but it is an unfinished fairytale, the author has not given us an ending. With no closure, my heart kept on thinking about him. Yes my heart not my mind. Because my mind can take a rational thinking but not my heart. It doesn't want to adhere to my rationales and being stubborn kept on opening to memories of him only to be hurt and ached for longing. Not just the music, but other things also gravitate my senses towards a memory of him. I found myself turning my head expecting him when I smelled his cologne at the pedestrian crossing. I turned my head when I thought I heard his laughter in the coffee shop. I found myself ruffled when I ate icecream in a cone. These little things kept me remembering him and the inevitable question always comes up what if....

I found myself getting out of the car. I arrived at a park with only few people around. A grandma with a child, which I think is her granddaughter, playing at the playground. A couple of joggers taking a break, drenched either from their sweat or caught in the rain. I walked towards an empty bench overlooking the river. The view in front of me is so serene, different from the turmoil in my heart. It didn't look like it has rained apart from the petrichor emanating from the earth as evidence. I guess it is the same as me right. People wouldn't have thought I have been in love apart from the uncountable locked eye contacts, silly grins and longing skinships we have shown on the show. Sigh, what if...

"Yeobo?", a velvety voice called out and broke my thoughts. 

I turned my head, expecting a man talking to his lover and leaving me with a heart ache of longing and consequently always asking what if.

"Ohh!" instinctively I brought my hand to my heart not knowing how to react in this situation. There he is standing behind me, alone. For a moment, we stood unmoved. Shocked, unbelieving. I could see his reaction as his facial expression can be easily read. His shocked face slowly softened and his eyes...his eyes. For all the time we spent together filming, I secretly master the emotions he had by reading his eyes. By the time the show ended, 90% of the time I can tell if he is being sincere, annoyed, tired, hungry from the look of his eyes. This time as I look into his captivating eyes, there is no mistaken his eyes are reflecting what I am feeling as well. Longing. No wait. It is yearning. Yes, yearning.

For the first time, I took in the surrounding of the park and realised that this is the park where we use to go to during our late night rendevous before we drifted apart.

I smiled sincerely for the first time today. I have solved a puzzle today. Am I still in your memory as you are etched forever in mine?  I remembered wondering this morning. Seeing him here, looking into his eyes, I believed with all my heart the answer is....yes. 

"Oppa," I called as I walked towards the man whose name engraved forever in my heart, Lee JongHyun.