***

 

              It was finally the weekend. A long week of school, assignments and torture had gone by. All i wanted to do was snuggle up to my boyfriend in bed and maybe head out to for a movie or dinner together. I came back to an empty apartment on Friday night, just like any other weekday. We’ve been together for almost two years and he moved into the apartment a month after we hit our first anniversary. It was hard at first but as time went by we grew accustomed to the different work hours especially since his was all over the place. However, we had an unspoken rule that weekends were meant for only the two of us. We can go by five weekdays of not seeing even a glimpse of each other but during the weekends - it was reserved just for the two of us.

That was our unspoken rule...

 

I felt my senses come back to me. My shoulders were aching from the numerous hours of studying in the library day after day. College is a real pain in the sometimes. I groaned while stretching a little trying to get my muscles to relax before opening my eyes. The sun was up and light was seeping in through the curtains. I exhaled and turned to lie on my back, looking over to the other side of the bed. What I didn’t expect was it to be empty. My brows pinned together as I sat up to look around - inspecting the room. There was no sound of the shower running or clinging of utensils. There wasn’t a single sound in the apartment. I was confused. Where could he be? 

 

Finally i decided to get out of the bed to look for myself. I was half expecting him to be lazing on the couch in the small living room across the kitchen; probably reading a book or using his phone - but he wasn’t there. I checked the bathroom to find it empty. The last destination was the kitchen, once i stepped in I saw a small yellow square note on the fridge. 

 

‘Out for a meeting. back by 2pm.

 

Even though I was relieved to know of his whereabouts, I couldn’t help but to feel disappointed as my heart clenched. I was really looking forward to seeing him. I let out a sigh before making my way to the bathroom to wash up and start the day since I was already up. 

 

 

***

 

 

              I heard the front door swing open when I was lazing on the couch watching the TV. The clock merely 5 minutes away from striking two in the afternoon. I turned my head to the door as i watched him walk in with a wide grin on his face a small ‘i’m home’ left his lips. He approached the couch and I sat up automatically right before he sat down next to me - taking me into his arms. 

 

“You’re not going to believe what happened!” He was shaking with excitement. I laughed at his enthusiasm and pulled away. His smile was so wide It looked like it was going to hurt but it made a smile tugged on my own lips as i looked at him, “What?” 

 

“I’m going to be casted for a drama!” 

 

My eyes widened and my jaws dropped. “You got casted? How?” 

 

He took my hand into his and started telling me that the director has been interested in him for a while. Plus the extra help from his company on promoting and words of encouragement from Sehun, his bandmate from their duo group. How he was expected to be the main lead - something about being a son of a banker or something like that. After all those years of training, his hard work is finally paying off. Gaining recognition in public made going out slightly harder but we've always managed to work around it.  His eyes were sparkling as he mentioned all the different actors and actresses present then he stopped abruptly; pout forming looking like a dejected puppy. 

 

“But i’m scared. It’s going to be totally different from being on stage, It’ll be a whole new environment. I don't know if I can do well.“

He’s so cute. I smiled and cupped his cheeks, making him face me. I took a second to admire how cute he looked that way. His cheeks squished together, lips pouted, eyes looking like there were going to cry and eye brows scrunched up. He really looks like a kid. I softened and brushed my thumb across his cheekbone. Heart beating fast. 

 

I spoke in a gentle tone, “You’ll do fine, I believe in you.” 

That seemed to have made regain his confidence. His lips tugged into a smile as he tugged my hands from his face and softly kissed my knuckles, “Thank you... for being here for me. I love you.” 

 

A blush crept up my face. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

“Jongin, where are you?” 

 

“I’m still filming. Why aren’t you asleep?” 

 

“I was waiting for you. It’s Saturday.” 

 

“! Today’s Saturday? I’m sorry baby, I didn’t realise. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, don’t wait up for me. I’ll be home late.” 

 

“…okay, take care. Don’t work too hard.” 

 

“I won’t. Goodnight baby.” 

 

“Goodnight…” 

 

 

***

 

 

             It went on for weeks…no, months. It was getting harder to see him each weekend. I would be luck to even have him home for an hour or two during weekends. After the long monyhs of shooting, came the meet & greets and show appearance - promotional period he said. In the midst of all that, he also mentioned that his group was preparing for a comeback. I missed him, a lot. And it wasn't helping that school was getting more and more overwhelming with the approachint exams and piles of assignments to be completed. 

 

I was seated at the campus café on a Friday evening with the sun already sunken deep below the horizon - not wanting to head home. It didn’t feel like home anymore. Home is wherever he was and with his absence in the house, it felt empty. It was freezing that day, winter slowly creeping in. I gazed outside watching as students and lecturers alike walk by huddled in their double layers, I didn’t realise someone had settled themselves opposite my seat. A knuckle rapped on the table that made me snap out of my daze. I looked up to see a worried face. I’ve seen him before in my classes.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I blinked and regained my posture. I hadn’t realise that I was slumping rather miserably in my seat. I took a quick sip of the already cold coffee on the table before replying a small ‘yeah i’m good’. My classmate however doesn’t look convinced but he simply let it slide, reaching into his bag to slip a piece of paper on the table. It was my notes. 

 

“You left this in lecture.” He said before adding in quickly, “I-It has your name on it, so I thought…to pass it to you.”

 

I gave him a small smile hoping it didn’t look forced. “Thanks, i didn’t realise.” 

 

I felt his gaze on me the whole time i tried to stuff my paper in my bag, having difficulty trying to get the zip to work. Everything wasn’t working out. I huffed wanting to break down and cry but took a deep breath instead because the dude is still staring at me.

 

I swallowed hard before looking at him again, “Uhm…”

 

“Kyungsoo.” He offered.

 

“Right, Kyungsoo, Sorry but this isn’t a go-”

 

Before i could finish my sentence he cut in, “Do you want to watch a movie with me?” 

 

My mouth clamped shut as I stared at this boy in front of me. Did he just asked me out? Suddenly, my senses were knocked back into my body. I felt a rush of emotions. I was stupidly gaping at him. I saw no hint of him joking as he gazed at me. 

 

After what seemed like a minute, i finally managed a reply. “I’m sorry?” 

 

“I mean, as f-friends, you look like you need a break.” He was nervous, “I-I’ve seen you, in the library. Everyday actually and…and I just-t, you look really worn out.” He was a stuttering mess and I felt bad for him somehow. Now that i think of it, he was always alone in class - seated in a corner by himself. “I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to. I’m not usually that blunt. I was on my way to watch that new disney movie. It’s totally fine, I can watch it by myself no biggie, you probably think it's childish. It’s not the first time I’m watching a movie alone. So it’s all good. Plus, you could be busy, I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking straight...sorry again, I ramble on when I'm nervous...I'm not good with people.”  

 

It was a first in a while but I laughed. He was a mess but it was somewhat cute. His face flushed pink, flustered when he saw me giggling. God, I made him embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just…” I looked at the two round orbs staring back at me and thoughtt about it. I could really need a stress relief, “Sure, I’ll watch a movie with you.” 

 

I never thought it was possible, but his round eyes grew bigger.

 

 

***

 

 

              It was almost midnight by the time I reached home, unlocking the door. I had asked him to join me for dinner since there wasn't any back at home. The short hang out with Kyungsoo made me feel slightly better, all my worries were thrown out the window as we talked about school and other things like his part time job at the library (which explains why he’s seen me in the library). I was thankful he made me feel better. Sometimes it's easier to converse with someone you barely knew, starting fresh and talking about anything. I felt my phone buzz as i stepped inside the apartment. 

 

‘Thanks for accompanying me today, I really appreciated it. Goodnight. - Kyungsoo

 

I grinned and sent a quick reply of thanks and a goodnight before stumbling into the dark living room. Only to find Jongin sitting on the couch with the television on as the only source of light. It was the first time in a while he’s been home early on a Friday night. He was nonchalantly staring at the television. 

 

“Where were you? It’s late.” He asked, voice soft. 

 

“I went to watch a movie with a friend. You’re home early.” I proceeded to dump my bag on the side table before heading to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “Have you eaten?” 

 

The living room went silent as he switched off the television and shuffled into the room. Not sparing a glance in my direction. Something was off. I dropped the glass in the sink and followed him into the room. 

“Honey? Jongin?” I called out to the lump under the covers. He didn’t respond. I proceeded to the bed and sat down, softly patting on his shoulder that was covered by the blanket. Nothing. I pouted thinking he was probably tired from practice. I went to change into my sleep wear after a quick shower and brush my teeth. Afterwards tucking myself in the same bed, lying on my side to face him. 

His eyes were closed but his brows were slightly creased. My hand reached out to brush his hair out of his face and his eyes slowly opened. I smiled.

 

“Hey.” 

 

His eyes looked sad. “I came home early and you weren’t home…” 

 

The look on his face made guilt fill me to the brim.  

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t thought you would be home early today.” I moved forward to snuggle up to him, missing his warmth so much. “You could’ve texted me.” 

 

He huffed, “I bought you flowers and chicken…I wanted to surprise you.” 

 

I was shocked and almost instantly I sat up, looking him with wide eyes, “You bought me flowers?” 

 

He nodded dejectedly. Now I felt even guiltier. “I am so sorry. Where are the flowers?”

 

“I left it in the living room. At the corner, near the window. Didn’t know where you would like them to be so i just stuffed them in that tiny vase we have and left it there.” 

 

I pouted. He’s such a sweetheart. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. “You’re so sweet, I’m really sorry. Let's go somewhere tomorrow, I'll make it up to you.” 

 

He kissed the top of my head and smiled with his lips sealed, “Only for my princess. Now, get some rest. You’re probably tired from studying. Maybe we could go grocery shopping, we're running out of food. I'll drive.”

I hummed, feeling the warmth of his body drag me away from reality.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

              A few more days passed and it’s been really busy. Exams were nearing, closer and closer, and I’ve been locking myself in the library day in and day out; feeling anxious about maintaining my grades. On some days, I would have friends or classmates with me to study with but on others it would just be me against my thick stack of notes. However, it wasn’t as lonely as before. Kyungsoo would stop by once in a while whenever I’m alone to say hi or accompany me for a bit. It was nice talking to Kyungsoo since he knows how to distract me from the stress of exams. 

 

“I think you should ease up and go live a little. Call it a day.” Kyungsoo’s timid voice spoke up all of a sudden. I looked away from my notes to meet his eyes for a brief second before he looks away. He’s such a shy person. “Go meet up with your friends or something.”

A smile tugged on my lips, “You are my friend Kyungsoo.”
His eyebrows pinched together into a deep frown. “No i’m not.”

“You’re not? Friends hang out together and that’s what we’re doing now aren’t we?”

Kyungsoo looked lost for a second as though he was contemplating my words. “Are we…friends?”
I laughed, “You’re really cute you know that? Of course we’re friends.” That was the first time I saw Kyungsoo smile ever so brightly with a small hit of blush.

 

He has his way of making one really comfortable but i never knew why he’s never had friends, other than this roommate of his named Baekhyun that he talks about occasionally. It’s weird but I never questioned it. One Wednesday, I saw said Baekhyun drop by the library to have dinner with Kyungsoo and I’m happy he has a good friend. 

 

 

***

 

“Who are you texting?” 

 

“Hmm? A friend from class,” I mumbled while typing a quick reply and pressing send before smiling to Jongin. “His name is Kyungsoo.” 

 

Jongin’s brows raised. “Kyungsoo? A guy?” 

 

I placed my phone back on the coffee table and resumed our mini cuddling session while watching a marvel movie marathon. I pulled Jongin’s arm around myself and leaned against his warm body. “Why? Are you jealous hmm?” I . 

 

“No, I’m just surprised you actually have friends since all you do is study like a nerd.” 

 

My eyes widened and I hit him on the chest, “Yah!” 

 

He let out a chuckle before his gaze went back to the movie playing. “Maybe…a little jealous.” 

I reached out to pinch his nose. “Idiot. I should be jealous of you. Thousands of fangirls love you.” 

 

Jongin leaned and rested his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes to savour the moment, having him so close felt so warm and safe. “But I only have my eyes on you, my princess.” 

 

I couldn’t help but grin. “Ew, you cheesy.” I covered his face with my hand and pushed him away before standing up and heading over to the kitchen to refill my cup of tea. 

 

“So, who is this Kyungsoo?” Jongin called out, still lying on the couch.

 

“He’s a nice guy, never really talked to him till he found my lecture notes in class and returned it to me the other day. He’s been helping me with school and assignments and stuff.” I was pouring hot water into my cup when I felt arms around my waist. 

 

Jongin placed soft kisses against my neck, his voice a mere whisper, “Sounds like a really nice guy.” Shivers ran down my spine as I leaned back into his embrace and laughed. The Jongin on stage was so different from the Jongin I knew. He might be all hip s and smirks with charisma on stage, but in reality he’s just an insecure puppy that needs constant love and attention. I turned around and wrapped my arms around his neck to steal a quick peck on the lips. “I love you, only you.” 

 

He gazed at me for a second longer before swooping down for another kiss. “I love you too.” 

His lips moved softly against mine, nothing to rush about. We had the whole weekend anyways. Suddenly, my phone rang from the living room. I abruptly pulled away before running to answer the call. I heard Jongin groan as I swiped the green button. I smiled and placed a finger on my lips to remind him to remain quiet.

 

I placed the phone to my ear, “Hello?” 

 

“Uhm, Hey.” A shy voice spoke through. 

 

“Kyungsoo! Hey, what’s up?” I saw Jongin perk up at the name and our eyes met. He had a brow raised and walked towards me. 

 

“Uhm…one sec,” Kyungsoo mumbled before the other line was filled with muffled noises. “Baek, I can’t do this!” 

 

‘Just do it you wouldn’t know unless you try!’  another voice perked up at a distance. Jongin had tugged me to the couch and sat me down on his lap. I knew he was trying to listen to the conversation too. 

“But I don’t want to try.” Kyungsoo groaned. 

 

I found it confusing and amusing at how frustrated Kyungsoo sounded so I into the conversation, “Try what?” 

 

I heard Kyungsoo sigh softlt before speaking, “Try asking you to watch our stage that we’re having tomorrow. Baekhyun and I are going to sing at a charity event. He wants to be properly introduced.” 

 

My eyes widened, “You’re going to perform? I would love to see it!”
Never did i knew that Jongin was frowning at my excitement.  A crash was heard from the other end of the line and I jerked, “Hello? Kyungsoo? Are you okay?” 

 

‘Byun Baekhyun! Give me my phone!

 

“Hi! This is Baekhyun, Kyungsoo’s roommate! I’ll have Kyungsoo send you the details of the performance and I really hope to see you tomorrow! Can’t Wait!” A perky voice said before there was an ‘oof’.

“Sorry about that, Baekhyun’s just really excited to meet you.” Kyungsoo panted as though he ran a marathon, “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 

I hung up and placed my phone on the coffee table. Jongin had his chin tucked on my shoulder obviously waiting for an explanation. “Kyungsoo’s going to have a performance tomorrow.” I explained.

 

Jongin raised a brow, voice nonchalant, “Performance?”

 

“Yeah, he sings.” 

 

“But, it’s a Sunday tomorrow.”

 

I turned to look at him. It had slipped my mind. “You can come with me?”

 

“You know I can’t be out in the public without my manager’s permission.”

 

I pouted, “But I already promised Kyungsoo…I’m supposed to meet his roommate. I’m his only friend in school, I promised him I'd support him and he seemed really excited to have someone see him perform…”

 

Jongin sighed. Then there was a beep from my phone - a text from Kyungsoo. Jongin read through it with me. He wasn’t too happy with it but he gave in, a kiss on the cheek and a small ‘don’t take too long’. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

               The performance was amazing. You knew Kyungsoo sang but it never occurred to you that he would be that amazing. His voice made your heart flutter and you watched in awe as he pulled those notes like he was made to sing. Baekhyun was sweet, he was being a good friend and talked about Kyungsoo - knowing that his roommate/best friend was shy and would never talk about himself. After the proper introduction, Baekhyun had been frequently dropping by the library to pick us up and grab dinner. School was starting to be bearable.

 

But life could never be all rainbows and butterflies. 

 

“Are you texting Kyungsoo again?” Jongin practically growled. 

 

I frowned at the tone and sent one last text before plugging my phone to the charger.
“You need to stop. I told you so many times, I have other friends too. I don’t just text Kyungsoo.”

 

“He seems to be the only one you care about these days.”  

 

It was as though I got struck right through the heart. “Excuse me? What are you trying to say Jongin.”

 

The tension in the room was rising but neither of us was backing down.

“Whenever we talk, Kyungsoo pops into it. Every single time it's Kyungsoo this Kyungsoo that. When was the last time we went out on a date? We don’t talk or spend time anymore!” Jongin’s voice rose out of frustration. 

 

I felt offended for being blamed upon and out of nowhere anger rose within me,“You’re blaming me for that? You’re not even home because you’re too busy with your concerts and comeback stages. I’m just putting my time to good use now that my exams are almost done.”

 

I watched as Jongin scoffed and walked out of the door into the living room, “And putting it to good use is spending it with another guy?”

 

I followed him, “He’s just a friend Jongin! Why are you mad that I have friends?”

 

In a split second, Jongin spun around and glared at me, “Am I not allowed to feel insecure? That you’re probably happy with someone else out there? That I might be losing the only one that I can actually be myself with?”

 

Tears. Jongin's eyes were tearing. My throat felt dry as no words were said.

 

 “I love you so much that I go crazy thinking that you might leave me one day.” His voice quivered and he took a deep breath to calm himself down, “It’s been so difficult princess. And I miss you so much. But we’ve been really busy and you’re with this guy….”

 

"He's just a friend..." I repeated, softer than before. 

 

I watched as a tear ran down Jongin's cheek and a sigh left his lips. "We'll talk about it when I come back. We both need to time to think." 

He grabbed his luggage and walked out the apartment. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

          Jongin's concert was a success so far - at least that's what his manager was telling me. Jongin's been refusing my calls and even texting became a simple one word reply. It was getting frustrating and it's been two weeks. Two weeks of no proper contact at all.

 

"He'll be home by tomorrow morning if everything goes smoothly." 

 

"Okay, thank you Manager-nim" I said before hanging up. 

 

I walked back into the bookstore hoping that Kyungsoo was still in the same spot I left him. Luckily, he is, face scrunching cutely behind those giant glasses of his. I took my place beside him and grabbed the book I was looking at earlier.

 

"Everything okay?" 

 

I jerked a little not expecting Kyungsoo to say a word since he was too engrossed in his book. I gave him a small smile and nodded my head hoping to cover up my emotions. "Yeah, everything's great."

I could feel his stare but I pretended it didn't bother me. "Ah! I guess I should really buy this book!" held it up for Kyungsoo to see before making my way to the counter to pay. Kyungsoo seemed to have understood that I didn't want to talk about it and never pried into it anymore afterwards. The day went by like any other, on the outside at least. Kyungsoo was a great company to be around as always but something was different that day. Something felt more of lingering smiles and loads more of gentleman gestures.

 

"What are you doing Kyungsoo?" I asked. 

He replied with, "it's basic manners to open a door for a lady."

I laughed it off thinking Kyungsoo was trying to be nice; trying to cheer me up. 

 

It was 9pm when Kyungsoo dropped me off in front of the apartment building. He was going to send me up but I told him not to since it was troublesome for him. He was shuffling on his two feet, softly bouncing from one feet to another. Fingers were clamping one another as though he was unsure about what he should do with them. He was fidgetting. I raised a brow. 

"Kyungsoo are you okay? You can head home now, you should rest, we had a long day." 

"Huh?" He looked up, "Oh! Right. Uhm, thanks for accompanying me today, again. It's always fun when you're around." 

I smiled, "You're too kind Kyungsoo, you're fun to be around with too." 

He let out a timid laughter and scratched at the back of his neck. "So, I'll get going now..." 

I nodded my head and waved a hand, thinking he was going to leave but the next second passed and a pair of lips landed on my cheeks. A small gasp from my lips. 

"I want to say that I like you! A-And I just wanted you to know that!" Kyungsoo practically screamed with a red face.

No, Kyungsoo... I was in a state of shock. My body felt numb at the sudden confession. I have a boyfriend. All I could think about was Jongin. I didn't want to hurt Kyungsoo's feelings but I had Jongin, I love Jongin. But our relationship was supposed to be a secret, no one was to know about Jongin's relationship. I trust Kyungsoo, but...

"K-Kyungsoo..."

"No! Don't say anything! I'm not expecting a reply now! Just think about it and...uhm...call me! G'night!" Kyungsoo spoke so fast and ran away before I could utter another word.

I'm sorry Kyungsoo

 

***

 

It was barely 10 minutes after I walked into the apartment when I heard the door open and slam shut - the sound so loud it made the whole apartment seemed like it was shaking. I was pulled out of my trance and walked out of the bedroom to find Jongin's standing near the door, fist clenched and eyes piercing.

"What kind of ing friend walks their friend home and kisses their cheek." Jongin hissed, rather than a question he was demanding answers. "I come home, thinking I should apologize for being an ." I watched as he walked over to the living room. "But all I saw was my girlfriend." He picked up a frame of us - our first picture together on our second date - and threw it on the ground. The glass smashed into pieces and scattered all over the floor. "with another guy." 

"J-Jongin... it wasn't like that!" 

"THEN WHAT WAS IT?!" Jongin threw every picture frame, one after another onto the floor. "Was it because I'm not good enough for you? Is that it?" 

"Stop it please!" 

He stormed over and grabbed me by the shoulders, "Are you not satisfied with our relationship?" 

"Jongin you're being unreasonable! Let's tal-" Tears flowed down my cheeks as he vigorously shook my body. His eyes were soulless, empty. He was completely in rage, irrational thoughts clouded his mind.

"How am I supposed to be reasonable, when my girlfriend is out dating another guy behind my back! Is it because I'm always not home? Is that why? You got bored of me? Is it too much being my girlfriend?" 

"You know it's not like that." I whimpered but I knew talking him through in this state was futile. 

The man in front of me wasn't Jongin. 

"Then tell me why you are cheating on me!"

"I'm telling you i didn't cheat on you!"

He released his grip on me and started to pace around the house. "It's because he can kiss you in public right? You can hold hands and hug and be normal. All that bull!" Jongin was pulling his own hair, frustrated while screaming at the top of his lungs "Well, I'm sorry if you wanted a normal relationship! I'm sorry I'm not good enough!" 

Vulnerable. Lost. Insecure. These were the sides of Jongin that were always hidden.

"Just shut up Jongin! You don't know what you're saying!" 

Jongin stopped, "So it's true? You're not denying it? Is that why you're cheating on me? I'm not good enough?" He glared at me, "You never loved me did you?"

That was the last straw. I stormed up to him and rasied my hand to slapped him across the cheek. I thought moments like these were only in dramas but it was happening right there. The echo of my slap rang in my ears, I hurt him but I was hurt too. 

"...How...How could you say that?" My words came out broken as I stared into the eyes of the man I love, "You were the only one that I've ever loved. You were my first of everything. You were always enough Jongin. I'm telling you I didn't stop loving you - I never cheated. Why is that you can't trust me? You have always been enough for me. But now..." I swallowed the lump in my throat and the ache in my heart. I held back a sob as I walked over to the coffee table where I had dump my bag and picked it up. "If this is how it's going to be, we'll really have to think through about this - about us." 

 

Deja vu hit me as I walked out of the door to the apartment. Things seemed to never be getting better. 

 

***

 

"Mom, I'm coming home for a few days." 

"Oh dear, did something happen love?" 

"Nothing happened mom, I just miss you. Dad too..." 

 

***

Three weeks and five days.

It's been almost a month since we've properly talked, maybe more. I couldn't keep track of the time, nothing seems right. I've been sleeping at my parent's house over the past week and I've been locking myself in my old room, trying to get my head straight. It's hard since no one knows about it except for our parents and a few really close friends. 

 

'Princess. Pick up my calls, please. I'm sorry. 

'Where are you? Are you safe?

'I'm sorry please answer me, tell me where you are. I'm worried.

'Answer my calls!

'Baby, we need to talk don't ignore me

'Princess have you eaten?

'I'm sorry.....I love you.

 

I've ignored all the text from Jongin. As much as I wanted to run back into his arms, my mind was still clouded with insecurity. It was consuming me whole. This was the part of love that wasn't taught in fairytales - the other side of the coin. I stared at the phone in my hand, screen bright against the dark room. Kyungsoo's name flashed in my contact list. I should tell him the truth, I thought. It was the right thing to do. 

 

'Kyungsoo, I'm sorry but I can't love you that way 
- sent

 

It was the last exam paper, that friday afternoon. I knew Kyungsoo was going to be sitting the same paper with me. I arrived at the examination hall in midst of all the frantic students I heard my name being called. I refused to turn around so I hid myself in the sea of students hoping to escape from Kyungsoo. An hour and a half passed as the exam took place, I tried so hard to focus on the paper. Somehow the soft ticking of the clock above the hall was making me grow anxious. Before I knew it, my paper was taken away.

A sigh escaped my lips as I grabbed my bag and walked towards the exit. Chatters filled the area, eagerly checking for answers or asking how the paper was. Unexpectedly, the second I stepped outside the hall, a hand grabbed my wrist and tugged hard enough for me to stagger a little. My eyes widened as Kyungsoo stood before me, the same Kyungsoo from weeks ago. Then I saw it, a purple bruise on his right cheekbone. 

"I need to talk to you," His rough voice came out as a mere whisper but it rang so loud in my ears.  

He brought me to the cafeteria, a distance away from everyone else that was in the area. I sat down and studied Kyungsoo's expression as he glanced around cautiously as thought he was about to reveal some top secret information. Unconsciously, my hand was reaching out to his cheeks. Kyungsoo let out a small wince when I brushed my finger against the bruise. The noise made me snap out of my trance and I retracted my hand quickly. 

"What...What happened?" 

Kyungsoo rubbed his cheekbone a little before giving me a small smile. He took a breath before starting, "I went to your apartment the other day, I wanted to return your notes since I thought you needed them. I didn't thought I needed to call or anything but well, I ended up ringing up your front door..." He paused and let out a dry chuckle, "I didn't know how to react when I saw Kim Jongin answering the door, blonde hair and all. I've never been a fan but it doesn't really help that they have a huge poster of his group's new album everywhere. But, I thought I had the wrong door, I asked if you lived there. The next thing I knew I was punched right here." Kyungsoo pointed to his bruise.

I gasped. "He hit you?" No, Jongin would never...

"He was drunk, really drunk." Kyungsoo explained, "From what I saw from the doorway, the apartment was a mess and the smell of alchohol was so strong...I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't know that you boyfriend was the 'Kim Jongin'. I shouldn't have...He was going on about how I took you away from him and how you cheated on him with me and I just felt bad for not asking first. But, I assume no one was supposed to know about your relationship? That's why you never told me right?" 

My eyes started to tear at the thought of Jongin again. He had always disliked drinking, he despised it. He used to tell me it made him feel sick and he would never drink no matter what. Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded my head. 

"I'm sorry." Kyungsoo apologized again and I shook my head. It wasn't his fault...it was ours.... 

 

***

 

 

'Call him, I think the both of you should talk things through...he must have loved you a lot'

Kyungsoo's words rang in my head the whole journey back to my parent's house. I need to fix this, I thought as I walked down the pavement. The sun had long sunken below the horizon, replaced by the bright illuminating moon against the dark sky. I heaved a sigh and gazed longingly at the sky. I missed him. I opened the door to my parent's house with the spare key they had given me, greeted with the sight of my mother chopping onions in the kitchen. I sniffled a little trying to contain my tears as I walked over to her. At the sound of the door shutting close, her ears perked up and she turned around.

By then, tears were gathering at the corner of my eyes. I was breaking.

"Love? What happened? Why are you crying?" 

With no explanation, I simply wrapped myself around my mother seeking comfort. Tears continuously streamed down my cheeks as I tried to express my feeling of emptiness to my mother only for it to be muffled since I was hugging my mother. After a few soothing back rubs, she pried me off her body and took a good look at my face. I never realized how much my mother had aged since I was away. She was tearing a little too as she wiped the tears off my face. 

"Is this about Jongin? Did the two of you fought?" 

I nod my head, whining a little. My mother gave me a sad smile and took my hand. She led me to the living room and plopped me down on the couch before sitting next to me. "He called me, the day after you came here. He sounded really worried love." My mother gazed dearly at me, rubbing her hands together with mine. "Tell me what happened." 

I spent the evening slumped next to my mother pouring out my feelings with tears and probably snot. She knew our relationship from the start. She knew the minute I said I wanted to invite a friend over for dinner. She had always been supportive and even babied Jongin (he loves it so much too but he never once said it). After I had calmed down a little, she laughed and pinched me on the cheek. "If I were Jongin I would be worried too, you've always attracted such nice guys." 

"Mom," I whined. 

"If you really do want to be by his side, if you really miss him then go talk to him. Go back to the apartment and talk things over. Relationships don't work when there's no communication and trust. You need to build that. Why do you think your father and I are still together? We fight a lot too but we talk about it after. It's as simple as that, Love." 

I pouted at the fact that my mother was right. I huffed a little but took her advice into consideration. With both her and Kyungsoo's advice, I had decided. "Okay, I'll call him after dinner. I can head back to the apartment tomorrow. I'll spend one more night with you guys." 

 

However, that night, as just as I had finished washing the dishes my phone rang. I was startled to see Jongin's name flashing on the screen but I couldn't back out from the decision. I slide the green button across the screen and placed the phone next to my ear. "Hello?" 

I was expecting a greet from Jongin but the voice at the other end wasn't his.
"Hey, it's Sehun. We've got an emergency," Sehun was panting heavily against a noisy background of people yelling. "Jongin collapsed during rehearsals. We're at the hospital now." 

My blood ran cold, "What? H-hospital?" 

"Yeah, he's been really fatigue. He refused to eat and would over work himself for the past week. I've been trying to get him to stop but he won't listen. I don't know what happened between the two of you but he's been really out of it." 

"Can I visit him? Which hospital is it?" I said as I had already started packing my bag.

Sehun was grunting as a lot more yelling was heard. Sehun-ssi can you tell us what happened? Will the comeback be cancelled? "I don't think it's safe, there's a whole bunch of annoying reporters here. Manager hyung is trying to push them off but they're persistent and lucking around." Finally, the noise died down and Sehun sighed in relief, "Maybe you can wait at the apartment. I'll stay with him for now. I'm sure he'll be discharged by tomorrow." 

That was how I ended up returning back to the apartment that night, my father offering to send me home. The moment I opened the door, I was hit with the stench of alcohol. The place was littered with bottles of beer everywhere in the living room, dirty plates in the sink and leftover food left on the table, even dirty laundry. I huffed at the thought of Jongin refusing to take care of himself. It was a long night but luck for me, there weren't anything else on my to-do-list. I started to clean the apartment from one corner to the end. I was done with the kitchen and living room when I finally decided to move on to the bedroom. 

I threw the duffet off the unmade bed and froze. There was an unfamiliar picture frame but the picture that it held was the one of which Jongin threw that night. He replaced the frame? I thought as fresh tears came again at the thought of the memories. Jongin, please be okay....please come home, i'm sorry. 

 

***

 

I couldn't recall the time I slept that night since I had to wait for the dryer to finish its spins before I switched off the power and threw myself on the bed without even tucking myself in properly. I groaned as I woke up the next day shivering a little since I hadn't turn up the heater. I opened my eyes feeling a little lost as I realized I was back in the apartment. The apartment still smelled a little but it wasn't something that a little air freshner couldn't solve. I rolled over to check my phone on the bed side table where I had plugged it up. 12:34pm. I slept in, I realized. 

There wasn't any updates from Sehun so I decided to text him on the situation before heading to the bathroom for a warm shower. After a quick relaxing washing up, I had stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body. I walked out into the hallway and headed over to the kitchen for my glass of water as always. Then I heard it, muffled voices outside the door. I thought of checking it out, taking timid steps out to the living room trying to hear what the commotion is on about. Clad in nothing but a towel around my body, standing in the middle of the living room and the next thing I knew the door beeped and clicked open. I froze in my spot not expecting anyone to actually walk in.

"Did you clean the apartment Hun?" Jongin's voice echoed in the silent house. 

Sehun was shuffling around trying to get his shoes off his feet but my eyes were glued on to Jongin. His hair was blonde now but other than that he looked the same, my same old Jongin. I felt relieved and longing but the second our eyes met Jongin's feet froze too as he stopped in his tracks a few steps away form the entrace way, awkwardness was heavy in the air. "Probably your girlfriend dude." Sehun said as he still hadn't realize I was there. 

I watched as Jongin's eyes trailed my body and I finally realized I was in nothing but a towel. My eyes widened and I was about to take a run to the bedroom when Sehun finally looks up and started coughing. Jongin's ears were turning red and as much as I've always thought it was cute I wasn't really thinking of anything but hiding myself. "Look away." I heard Jongin hiss under his breath. 

"I..I didn't know you were coming so soon..." I mumbled still not being able to process the situation. 

Jongin finally took a step and came closer to me. I squeaked without know why since it's been awhile we've faced each other. Heck, we hadn't been talking at all. So when Jongin approached me to lead me away from the living room, I was practically brain dead. "What are you doing?!" I screeched.

Jongin looked baffled, "What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to cover you from the idiot over there!"

As if on cue, Sehun let out a loud snort and laughed. "I'll take my leave first then. I don't want to die of the awkwardness in this room. I'll leave the medicine on the shoe cabinet. Can you make sure he rests well? He seems to never listen to anyone but you these days." Sehun wore his shoes and opened the door but turned back to shout "Oh, he has the rest of the week off! Have fun! Use protection!" And the door slammed shut. 

The seconds ticked by as the two of us ended up staring at each other, as we stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room - more awkward for me since well you know, the towel. I couldn't help but stare at how handsome he looks despite the very visible eyebags and messy bedroom hair. I almost laughed at the thought of Jongin being too lazy to comb his hair. Jongin seemed to be in a daze too as his eyes were moving all around my face as thought he was trying to memorize it all into his memory. It was a good 3 minutes before I was slapped out of my own daze.

"Uhm..I'm going...to put on some clothes." 

Jongin coughed awkwardly and took a step back, finally looking away. "Yeah...yeah s-sure, you should."

What a great start to our weekend...

I came out from the room, fully dressed, finding Jongin on the couch - sitting so straight with his legs tucked together it hurts to just look at him. I shook my head and laughed as I walked over to the kitchen counter where Jongin had left the medication. I checked over the pills, taking note on how many doses he need. "Have you eaten?" I called out normally hoping the awkwardness would dissipate. 

"....No." Came Jongin's reply a second later. 

I hummed in reply and checked on what's left of the food we have. Porridge it is then...

It was silent while I cooked, not really wanting to look at what Jongin was doing. I was nervous. An hour or so later, the both of us were seated on the dining table; quietly munching on our food. I could feel Jongin's uneasiness and his eyes darted to look at me once every so often. The both of us finished our portion of food and I went on to take his bowl to clean. Just as I was about to stand up he spoke, "C-Can we talk?" 

My heart raced at those words but I gave him a small smile. "I'll clear the dishes first..."

 

***

 

We sat on the couch, facing each other. Neither of us know where to start. 
"I'm sorry" The both of us started at the same time. Jongin's face softened and reached out to grab my hand. I averted his and looked at my lap. "I'm sorry I didn't reply your texts or calls." I mumbled with guilt. Almost immedicately Jongin jumped in with a retort,

"No! It's my fault! I'm sorry for that night. I should've trusted you enough. I should've...believed you." 

I frowned and shook my head, "I'm at fault too."

"No it was mine." 

I rolled my eyes at how stubborn the both of us could be. "Jongin, you had your rights to be mad at me." 

He didn't seem to be convinced as his eyes widened cutely with his brows pinched together, "But I made you upset. I yelled at you." 

"And I didn't?" 

"No you were ju-" 

I lifted myself so that I was on my knees and pulled him into an embrace. "Let's just learn from our mistakes okay? We'll learn from it and never make the same mistakes again. Okay?" I hid my face against the crook of his neck. His arms came wrapping around my body almost naturally. "Yeah...yeah, okay." We held each other and Jongin gently sat me onto his lap, my legs on either sides of his thighs. 

"I missed you," Jongin rubbed small circles against my lower back, lips brushing against my skin. "I wanted to kill myself for yelling at you." 

"Please don't," I pulled away to look at him, "Don't do that to yourself. I want you to take care of yourself even if I'm not around."

"Why are you saying that? You're not leaving me around you?" Panic in Jongin's voice as he gripped my waist tighter, as though he was preventing me from leaving. 

I laughed and leaned in for an eskimo kiss. "I'm not going anywhere silly. I just don't want to see you throwing your life away just for me. Promise me." 

"We just made up and you're already nagging at me." Jongin teased as he leaned in trying to steal a kiss but I raised a hand to his face and pushed him back. I gave him a stern stare, "Promise." 

Jongin laughed, "Yes my princess, I promise. Can I have my kiss now?" 

I grinned hard as I leaned in for a kiss, nothing to rush about. We have the whole weekend anyways...

 

***

 

 

17th November 2016, 7:08pm