☁

“Haneul”, Hanbin cried while holding your hand tightly.

His eyes looked so sad and tired. You didn’t know why.

“Why are you crying?”, your voice sounded foreign to your ears. Like it would disappear soon, you knew there was something wrong, everything felt so similiar. The scene felt like you went through it a million times, however you couldn’t remember what came after that.

“I love you, please remember.”

I love you.

The last words were spoken and like they were some kind of spell, everything fell apart slowly. And then you remembered. Your twisted fate which didn’t allow something like love, which would break it in every world, every century. But it was already too late.

“i wi—”

***

It was may and it was raining.

You stood at the sidewalk and watched the earlier blue spring sky lose Its color and turn completely grey.

The clouds started to cry. They cried heavily and you thought that there must have happened something really bad up there.

The crowded street turned completely empty and it was you left, feeling the raindrops connecting with your warm skin.

People always seemed to run away when there was pain confronting them. Pain of others. They didn’t want to see it. They didn’t care.

You inhaled the sweet scent of the humid trees and instantly felt a smile forming on your lips. At least they couldn’t run away and were there when the sky decided to be sad for a day.

All of a sudden you were pushed into a corner and for a second your mind went blank because it felt like the worst was about to come.

However a gorgeous young man stood in front of you. His hair had a hazelnut color and his eyes were dark brown, sparkling despite the darkness in the corner.

You couldn’t breath.

Maybe you should have run away as fast as you could. Maybe you should have stopped him, pushed him away and never let him touch you the way he did.

However his hands went so gently over your face, his eyes looked innocent and all you could see was love.

Who are you?

The next thing you knew was that he came closer and breathed out in a low voice. His breath prickled on your skin.

“Haneul”, he said before he pressed his lips on yours.

Haneul, I’m not Haneul, you wanted to say. But his touch made you forget everything around you, made you forget how the earth spun and how the world functioned, that gravity was keeping you down or else you would have flew off right into the 7th cloud.

After stealing all the oxygen which was left in your lungs, he pulled away and left you breathless. He smiled.

It was beautiful.

Not only he literally took the air out of your mouth, but words, letters, sentences to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing to a stranger like you. So maybe he made you lose your mind too.

Once again you felt your whole body prickling and the blood rushing through your veins, when you felt his touch on your face.

This time you closed your eyes and took all the energy you had to come to your senses which told you that this was so wrong and finally pushed him away.

He didn’t move an inch. However you could see the hurtful look on his face which was imprinted in his eyes and after hesitating for a moment, he took a step back.

You breathed out.

“What are y—”, you couldn’t even understand what you said; your ears were pounding. Why was it so hard to tell him that you were not his Haneul, his “love”. It was stupid and you knew it. But looking into his eyes cut off every air, word, voice from your mouth.

The only way out was running away, although you wanted to feel his touch again, his lips against yours and his breath caressing your face. You wanted to pull him close and pretend you were that Haneul girl just so he could do that thing again… that thing with his lips pressed against yours.

Before your mind went even more blank, you turned around and ran away, ran away as far as you could, anywhere just running before your heart took over your mind and turned around to feel that person’s touch again.

It was still raining. You were happy because no one could see the tears that streamed down your face, mixing with the raindrops that washed away the pain on your face but not the pain that lingered in your heart, making it ache for some reason. You didn’t even understand why.

***

It was July when you met him again.

The streets were full of people, doing their last shopping before going on vacation. The world bloomed in its beautiful colors and the sun shined through the vivid trees, making the air sparkle.

Your step haltered when you came across a familiar street. It was the same place where— where he had kissed you.

The memory flashed through your mind, over and over again. Like every sleepless night when you thought of his warm brown eyes which had looked at you so lovingly. Just thinking of it made your heart feel like it’d jump out of your chest any moment.

It hurt. It had been hurting every since, maybe it had always hurt, but for that one moment when he had touched you, it felt like you were not a broken fragment anymore, it felt like you were whole, like he was the missing piece that finally found his way to you.

You shook your head and pushed your feelings as far away as possible, just so you could take a normal breath for just a second. When you looked for some groceries, there was this gaze lying on you, like a magnet it attracted your eyes on his almost immediately.

It was him.

Your eyes widened. The world stopped. The air was gone. It was only him and the feeling of the missing piece that filled the empty hole and soothed the pain.

“Hey”, he said in a quiet voice. His eyes looked so sad and sorry and you still didn’t forget the hurtful look on his face when you had pushed him away.

“I have been looking for you like crazy, I’m so happy— I mean I just wanted to tell you something… may I?”, you weren’t even listening properly because his voice resounded in your ears like a beautiful song you could listen to all day, intoxicating you in its beauty.

“Y-yeah”, you replied quietly, just so you could hear his voice again.

“I was so confused when you acted so strange and ran away. But after a while I remembered your surprised face, I misunderstood it for a disgusted one. You had looked at me as if I was foreign and then I realized you don’t re— i mean you’re not…”, he fell silent and struggled for a moment to find the right words.

“Haneul”, you said automatically.

His eyes widened. “How did— oh yeah I— I am sorry. I thought you were… her. You just look so similiar, I am sorry I should have noticed that it wasn’t you.”

Somehow you let out a relieved sigh.

“It’s okay”, you smiled.

It was silent again, none of one you seemed to wanted to break it or say goodbye so soon, to just brush it off as a misunderstanding and to go your separate ways again, the right ways which didn’t seem to turn into a complete mess. But fate decided against it and when he locked your eyes with each other it was clear that there was no turning back now.

You should have known that it wasn’t right, that sooner or later everything would turn into a mess.

But blinded by his gaze, you didn’t move. And when he said, “Oh and my name is Hanbin, Kim Hanbin”, it was already too late, destiny was put which could not break anymore

***

More and more months passed by and it was December.

You walked through the snow, leaving you footprints behind on the white material. A smile formed on your lips and you inhaled the fresh air. Winter felt good. It melted your heart just like the snow which melted away after a while.

Your heart was made of snow now, every since you met him— met Hanbin.

“(Y/N)”, the familiar voice called and you looked up to see Hanbin walking towards you.

Your feet automatically moved faster and when you finally reached him, the warmth of his body went through your own, his warm embrace was like the missing sun in winter.

It melted your heart. He was the reason your heart melted and was made of snow. He was the reason you loved winter so much, loved everything because he was there to make everything look beautiful.

“I’ve missed you”, he breathed out. It had been just a few days, but you understood the words too well. They’d go through your mind whenever he wasn’t there. They just seemed so familiar.

“Let’s get something to eat and then go over to yours”, Hanbin nodded and both of you interlocked your fingers with each other.

You looked like a couple. But you were just friends. Although both of you knew there was far more than that. No one dared to say something but… it was there.

When you stepped into his apartment, the warm air welcomed you and the scent of his clothes hung in the air. It felt like home.

You put off your jacket and went into the kitchen to prepare the food you had bought earlier.

Hanbin joined you and when he wanted to get a plate from beside you, you turned around to meet his eyes which were just a few inches away.

Your eyes locked with each other and it felt like the exact same day when he had pushed you to the corner and had kissed you.

“Hanb-bin—”, you breathed out in a low voice; you wanted to pull him closer— you wanted to kiss him.

His hand ran little circles on your cheek, making your heart tingle with every connection of his skin. “Please”, you whined, you felt a little drunk, somehow high from his touch.

His breath caressed your lips, teasing you as if he’d do it on purpose. You closed your eyes and so did he, it felt like something was holding him back, so before thinking you pulled him close.

Your lips barely touched each other. Hanbin pressed your foreheads together and narrowed his eyebrows.

“We can’t”, it sounded like a cry for help.

The words stabbed you like a knife, right in the heart where your newly healed wounds were replaced by new ones and seemed to open wide, bleeding and hurting.

“Why”, you didn’t even realize you were crying until you heard your sobbing voice. Everything felt numb. Although it was hurting so badly inside, your body felt completely numb. Your eyes were heavy. Your head felt dizzy. You just wanted him, so bad.

Hanbin didn’t love you. He never loved you. He never would.

His hands were wiping away the tears, but they couldn’t wipe away the pain, wash it off like it was something simple. He didn’t move away, it felt like he was only coming closer, but not close enough because your hearts seemed to be the farthest away from each other.

“Is it— is it because of that… Haneul girl?”, this time he stepped back. His eyes looked desperate and sad. Full of pain. And you couldn’t recognize what it was exactly, but you knew the answer now.

“I get it”, you removed his hands and went out the room.

“It’s not— (Y/N)—”, Hanbin called from behind. But you didn’t even listen anymore. It felt like that one time, that time when he had kissed you.

You ran. Ran out the door and just moved your feet as fast as possible. You ran away again. Because running was the only thing you could do, as if you’d find an answer but in the end just trap yourself in the hurting truth because the answer was already there. You just didn’t want to believe it.

***

The blue sky smiled above you, hiding behind the white clouds. It was a rare sky, it only looked this blue when it was spring. But it was winter, it was cold. You wanted it to melt your heart, melt it like it did before. Why didn’t it work? Maybe your heart was already gone.

Broken.

Shattered.

How could it melt when it was bleeding like that?

“(Y/N)!”, it called in a distance.

Hanbin.

You smiled.

The sky was turning black, it disappeared slowly. A heavy weight was lifted up your chest and without realizing it you fell. Fell down, deeper and deeper till you were caught by something soft. It felt like you were lying on a cloud, floating in the air like there was no gravity. The sky shining even brighter now, drowning the world into its glorious blue.

A melody was playing in a distance, soft piano key pressing down by turns and at the same time to mix into one beautiful harmony, lulling you to sleep. Your eyes were closed but somehow you were still awake, birds chirping somewhere, water streaming down a river, the scent of flowers and nature filled your nose thrills.

You were still floating. Everything felt so good.

There was no pain anymore, nothing. Just the blue sky and your peaceful heart, floating in the air like a leaf.

But a leaf belonged somewhere as well, even if it fell down and left its owner it would grow again. Being reborn in that cruel world you lived in. This time it was different. This time the leaf didn’t grow again to fall down, this time it came back to the tree not having to grow all over again as a new leaf.

This time fate was different.

Crying broke you out of your marvelous dream and your painful reality came back to you, nothing was peaceful anymore, it was just your hurting heart and the blurry events of Hanbin pushing you away.

Thinking about him, you recognized the crying voice as his. You opened your eyes to meet his messy face and felt his strong grip on your shoulders. His tears dripped down his face, connecting with your warm skin and you wondered why it felt so good to be hit by tears which weren’t your own. They felt like tears of sorrow but when they met you they turned into tears of bliss.

“Can you please cry a little quieter? You’re disturbing my sleep Hanbin”

Hanbin immediately looked at you and when he saw your face, which was more than alive, his eyes widened and his grip got tighter. “How is this— how are you—”, now he was crying even harder, but he was smiling, pulling you into his arms.

“I thought you had left… again”, he sobbed into your shoulder and even if he looked so miserable right now it didn’t change anything about the fact that you were still hurt because he had pushed you away earlier. He confused you. Was he crying because he wanted sympathy? Tsk.

“Hanbin what are you talking about?”, you pulled away to meet his puffy eyes. “Stop pretending to be sorry now, i know you love that Haneul girl—”, you were interrupted by his kiss. He was kissing you so desperately, pulling you close and roughly but at the same time gently taking you whole, brushing his lips against your own.

He pulled away, but just a little, just so he could look into your eyes while he was talking to you.

He left you breathless. Why was he doing that again. How did he always do this?

You hated him.

“No, i love you (Y/N), i love you so much”, you couldn’t even answer. Because all he did was going back on putting his magic spell on you with those lips to make you go crazy. What were you even thinking, what were you about to tell him. You didn’t know. You just knew one thing.

You loved him.

You loved him so much.