It's Always Been You
It's Always Been YouWe’d never been close.
“What’s your problem?”
We just gravitated around the same circle of friends. Alex had been one of the foreign exchange students, snatched away like a precious jewel by Seulji, who had taken it upon herself to drag Alex around campus to become acquainted with most of the student body. Of course, I hadn't expected the American to remember any of the names that had been thrown at her throughout the week. To say I was surprised that she remembered mine was an understatement; my blushing, stuttering self was so embarrassing to recall. My cheeks had probably been as bright as the angry streaks of pink highlights that ran down Seulji’s hair.
“You! It's always been you!”
As one of Seulji’s friends, along with Xia, Hyeme and Taeun, at some point we’d become conscious of the fact that Alex would be a constant around us. From the first day of term, Seulji had been hanging off of Alex's arm like a Koala. Although, me and Taeun had been debating who was more clingy; for there had been more than one occasion in which Alex had been begging for Seulji to accompany her to the Barbecue a mile away from campus. I remember Alex had been bouncing on the balls of her feet - ‘please, please’ on the end of every sentence as she shook Seulji by the arm like a child begging their mother for a new toy - and her cascading curls bobbing with every vigorous movement. I’d been mesmerised (despite the unimpressed look I’d carefully placed on my face as I watched the pair’s antics… or so I’d thought) until Taeun had nudged me in the side to snidely notify me that ‘You should shut your mouth or it’ll catch flies’. Tch, the .
“What have I ever done?”
At some point, I’d been naive enough to consider us close friends. There had been a week in which Alex and Xia had been bonding over a boy band, seeming to disappear into their own little crevice of the universe (or at least that's how far away they’d felt as they giggled in hushed whispers despite only being across the table.) Last week, South Korea had been rewarded with a generous falling of snow; copious amounts of it being thrown around campus for the next two days. Hyeme (the immature little brat) had been engaged in a snow fight with Alex, who had acted ten years younger as she ducked behind various people, egging Hyeme on, to whom had drunk up all the taunts and retaliated with snowballs that looked more like ice. Taeun hadn’t been impressed when she’d found melting flakes of snow in her hair, which had been straightened in hopes that the long, rich brown locks would aid her in her quest to win over a crush. Now that was impossible with her damp hair that was fast becoming frizzy as if she'd been shocked with static! - said with the words of Taeun the drama queen. It seemed Alex had warmed up to everyone but me. I decided I shouldn't be surprised because I’d never tried, had I?
“You just, just come into our- my life. And somehow mess up the control I’d finally, finally had over myself, my life. You just- you just appeared out of nowhere and started messing everything up…”
I guess fate finally gave me an opportunity to get a taste of Alexandria Reid in the form of a partner project. It was the perfect cliché. Two strangers (or in our case, acquaintances) somehow finding love in each other when the rest of the world was just thorns of adversity (but of course without the love part… and the adversity part). Well, I’d thought that a budding friendship would begin, would flourish and grow. Perhaps it would have if Seulji hadn’t been texting Alex every five seconds, her phone pinging like an alarm clock. Every giggle that leaked from between Alex's lips grated on my nerves like a cymbal. It wasn't as if her laugh irritated me, no, compared to the harsh crash of cymbals, her laughter sounded wind chimes, but rather the fact that I wasn't the one evoking the laughter from her. I hadn’t expected to be sitting in my apartment with Alex on the other side of the coffee table, with a silence (heavy with words I wanted to say, jokes I wanted to make, laughter I wanted to hear) ringing in my ears, almost louder than the constant ping of Alex's phone and the busy traffic outside and the filthy music leaking from my neighbour’s apartment upstairs. I had just wanted to get rid of the silence-
“What are you talking about? I messed up your life? I haven't even been here a hot minute.” I assumed that ‘a hot minute’ was slang she'd picked up from America, refusing to let the confusion of the phrase deter me from my path as I stared back at her scorching gaze with a glare of my own that I hoped reflected the flames of anger and frustration and jealousy that had been my insides from the moment Seulji had texted. Albeit, the fire had began dwindling from the minute her eyes had stared me down with disgust and anger and something else that I was too scared to decipher at the beginning of this argument. This pointless argument.
Sweeping my hair back, a mess that cascaded down my back like a violent waterfall - forever in chaos - I inhaled as if it would give me a piece of mind. “You wouldn't understand.” I was surprised how calm I’d sounded despite the tremors that still shook my voice. Somewhere along the line, we’d stood up from our position on the floor, papers had spilled onto the floor where they couldn't find purchase on the coffee table.
Alex scoffed, running a hand through her thick curls that looked almost as light as clouds. I’ll admit there had been moments in which I wanted to run my hands through the chocolate brown tresses. “No one would understand! You just start throwing a tantrum and expect me to understand? Of course I wouldn't!” she threw her hands up in the air as if to further elaborate on how frustrated she was getting. I ignored the way she paced the length of the room, whispers and grumbles filling the living area. “Just say that you don't like me, don't turn it into a drama.” Alex muttered. The finality in her voice scared me, because it sounded like I wouldn't see her again, like her boisterous laughter that could still be heard miles away from our table in the cafeteria would cease to exist, or those stupid jokes and puns that she made wouldn't be there to make me cringe anymore.
“But it's not like that!” gripping my shirt like it would find me some control, I watched Alex roll her eyes in what looked like disbelief. I felt helpless.
“Then what is it like, Di?” Alex asked into the quiet, as if she had suddenly been dry of any ambition to continue arguing. For a moment, all I could hear was the clock ticking in the background and the muffled sound my neighbour’s slamming a door. In that moment, I held my breath as if it would have broken the pregnant silence that had settled in the room like dust. I should have said something - answered the question that we both wanted to know - yet my words were lodged in my throat; painful and apparent and I just couldn't say the words that were on the tip of my tongue - why couldn't I just say it?
Fear.
When Seulji had first introduced me to Alex, I’d been disinterested in the ‘new foreign student’ that had plagued every topic of conversation on campus for over a week. I’d assumed I wouldn't engage with Alexandria Reid again… until Seulji had waltzed into my apartment with news of some party going on down the street. Booze, people and a possible hook-up had been my catch line and sinker; it had been too long since I’d gotten laid, or drunk or high out of my mind. Scavenging through my wardrobe, I’d bit my lip, the delicious thought of a warm body sliding against mine, soft lips pressed against my neck or grazing my ear, or a warm hand around my waist-
“I’m borrowing your red lipstick, Di!” - Seulji’s voice had shattered the fantasy that had been building in my head, reminding me that I still had yet to change from my pajamas as I stood in front of my closet, my eyes trained on nothing but that fantasy that I wanted to be nothing but reality. At some point, I’d managed to concoct some kind of outfit that would (hopefully) protect me from the merciless weather and simultaneously not arouse the rage of the fashion police (aka Taeun).
As Seulji’s truck skidded onto an empty street, (because there for sure would be no parking outside the building itself) I remember trying to ignore the music that spilled from the building - that yes, was a block away - like a shaken soda can, for I’d known that I wouldn't have been able to help myself and would have started running towards the party. I’d been that ing eager to get away from studying and exams and 2B pencils and just education in general.
“Anyone else coming?” I’d asked. It had been so cold that night, I remember watching my breath escape into the night air in wisps of carbon dioxide - anything to distract me from my racing imagination. We’d been approaching the house that the party seemed to burst from and I cursed Seulji for having to set such a leisure walking pace - the idiot skipping and humming as if I wasn't beside her thrumming with uncontained anticipation. I remember I’d asked to the heavens how much longer until I could escape from reality? How much longer did I have to wait until I could laid or drunk or something?
“Uh, just the usual - Taeun, Hyeme, Alex, and Xia, though, I’m not sure why…”
Trust me, I’d tried to stay engaged in the conversation, however her name had made my heart beat so fast - till the point that the only sounds I’d been able to hear had been of my blood rushing through my ears. Why was she coming? She could only just about speak Korean anyway. And was she the usual now? Since when had Alex become part of our- my usual? Did-
“... she is underage, but then again- Di? You okay?” Seulji’d asked from in front of me, bringing me to the realization that I had stopped in my tracks, consumed by my thoughts. Why was it such a big deal? At that time, I hadn't hated Alex (I’ve never hated Alex), nor had I known her enough to like her (I told myself). Before I’d been able to respond (though I wasn't sure how I would, could I just say ‘hey, your new friend kinda bugs me, but I don't know why’?) a delighted screech - or perhaps it had been a squeal - filled the air, prompting both Seulji and I to turn our heads to address the sound. From the base of the stairs that led into the house (where the party was surely commencing), Hyeme had been standing, beckoning us in large gestures as if we hadn't already started approaching. Taeun had stood in the corner, frantically typing away on her phone and I will never be sure if the irritation that’d plagued her features had been because of the recipient of her messages or Hyeme’s wild screams. Xia was nowhere in sight, but it was easy to assume she'd already sauntered into the building in search of some new prey. And right beside Hyeme, a huge smile on her visage (no doubt because of Seulji) had been Alex.
“What took you guys so long?” Hyeme had whined, a pout on her face that I’d ignored, while Seulji had already run into Alex's arms and I remember swallowing the bitter taste the image had left on my tongue.
(But why did I care?)
Glancing at Taeun who had hidden her phone - along with the annoyance she had been displaying earlier - I recall the clothing that had clung to her body like a second skin; an inky black dress that barely hid her thighs and high stilettos that would have gotten her mistaken for a stripper.“Trying to impress someone?” I’d teased, a smirk curling my lips as her expression had suddenly became flustered, yet the glint in her eyes had dared me to challenge her.
“Maybe.” she’d replied simply, sauntering towards me with a smirk of her own creeping up her face as she eyed me. Despite Taeun being my friend of ten years, I would never get used to that predatory look of someone who knew all your secrets and could unwrap you with just a few words. Under her look, I’d felt vulnerable and it had been my turn to become flustered. “You trying to impress someone?” Taeun had asked back, hands coming to cross over chest as if she'd known. I suppose she probably had known, for the subtle flicker of her eyes in the direction of a certain person didn't escape me and the insinuation (that I could- for that person- it was absolutely ridiculous) had my whole face burning with fear and embarrassment and I’d thinned my lips, silently daring her to call me out. Though, I couldn't have been as intimidating as I would have wanted for I remember, like it was yesterday, the red that had colored my face and had stubbornly refused to die down.
“What are you-”
“Come on guys! Why are we still standing outside?”
I never did get to ask Taeun what she had been implying by that, for at Hyeme’s question everyone disappeared into the building, following the strobes of lights and near deafening music. Trying to ignore the pressure that settled in the pit of my stomach, I set out to do what I’d come here for; get laid or get drunk or get high.
If only it had worked out like that.
You see, for as long as I’d known Seulji, she’d always had an attention span that was next to nothing. I couldn't deny her loyalty as a friend, but the amount of times I’d been left stranded in the mall because she’d ‘seen this really good pair of shoes she wanted to look at’ or ‘that handbag looked really nice’ were too many to count. This did not exclude parties. Seulji would usually be found hopping from person to person, either for a dance or conversation for no longer than ten minutes. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I’d been worried for Alex; who knew what could happen to her should Seulji leave her side - as I'm sure I’ve previously mentioned, Alex had barely grasped the Korean language. How would she fend? At the time, I would have vehemently denied it, but as I had wandered around the cramped house, some kind of alcoholic beverage in my hand, I’d let my eyes flicker from face to face in search of her. I remember trying to squash down the trepidation that bubbled when I hadn’t even caught a glimpse of her. Maybe Seulji was still with her? What happened to getting laid?
Like a deflating air mattress, the tension that had twisted me taut evaporated at the (heartbreaking) sight of Alexandria Reid standing beside the food table. If there was one thing that Alex loved more than Seulji, it was food, that fact ringing clear as caramel fingers dipped into the bowl of cheese crackers. How long had she been standing there? When she wasn't passing lukewarm smiles to people - who I’d assumed were her classmates - she’d been worrying her bottom lip and glancing around, probably in search of a familiar face. I couldn't help the smile the blossomed on my face as she pushed another cheese cracker into despite the fact that her cheeks had still been full of snacks. Cute. In spite of it all, she had still looked everything perfect in her oversized red jersey and black converse. Taking a deep breath, as if it would have give me a bearing of sanity, I remember I approached the food table as if I hadn't just been observing Alex like she was a majestic creature, under the pretense that I was refilling my cup - like I hadn't been aware of her movements only three meters away from me.
To say I’d been expecting her to grip my wrist as if it was her lifeline, let alone know my name, would be a lie. I had been expecting a ‘hi’ or ‘it's really crowded’ - some kind of small talk to ease the discomfort she was probably feeling. I wouldn't say that a warmth didn't fill my chest at the memory of my name on her lips, a bright (and relieved) smile climbing on her lips. “Darae. I didn't think I’d see another familiar face around here.” she said, her grip on my wrist slipping as if it was only then that she'd remembered the hold she'd had on my arm. A mumbled sorry had nearly been lost in the music. And I wanted to say that I didn't mind, but I’d bit my tongue, a conversation that could have been, passing us as we stood awkwardly without a word to say to each other. We really hadn’t been that close, had we?
“You can just call me Di.”
“Huh?”
I’d ignored the red that spread over my face like a rash (again, within the same minute). “I said, you can just call me Di.” I remember playing with the rim of my cup - if only to find something to do with my hands, looking anywhere but Alex because I had been so sure she’d been snickering at me. I recall the scolding words I’d berated myself with. Since when had I was this awkward?
“Okay, Di.” she’d said and even though I hadn’t been able to see her face, I’d heard the smile on the end of her words all the same. “You know, Taeun said that you had a ‘y intimidating’ kind of aura about you,” I remember absently wondering where this was going; I’d known how the boy's of our University saw me. “But I dunno, you're like… cute. In an awkwardly adorable kinda way.”
It had been at that moment that I admitted everything. That I confessed to myself what I should have already know - what Taeun already knew. On that Saturday night, I decided to finally be honest with myself and finally say the words that I’d buried under any other thought that passed my mind. Just those few words seemed to open a wound that wouldn't stop gushing. I like her. I like Alex. I like her so much and I’d liked her before the party and before this argument. I liked her laugh and her jokes and her never wavering morals. Whenever she said my name, I couldn't help the heat that pooled at the bottom of my stomach and the tingling sensation that travelled up my arm when she looked at me - her attention just on me. Sometimes I would catch myself whispering her name under my breath in the middle of the night, and yes, I felt fear that this ‘like’ was more then that. That this ‘like’ was manifesting into something else and was I really ready for something so serious?
“I like you so much I think my heart might burst.”
I stared into the deep brown eyes that reminded me of warm brownies or melted chocolate chip muffins - reminded me of everything familiar and home. I wanted to look away from the almost ethereal beauty that stood in front of me, I didn't want her to see me crying, but I’d long since realized it was too late as my eyes burned with bitter tears ready for rejection. Ready for the disgust and humiliation. Why did I say that? I swiped at the first tear that rolled down my face as if perhaps she wouldn’t have seen it if I was fast enough; but what had been the point? For several more followed and I’d rubbed my cheeks raw in the space of half a minute. My pitiful sobs harsh and pathetic and the only sound filling my apartment now.
(Please don't look at me like this.)
I’d been too busy mourning over my broken heart to have seen her move, but so quickly did I accept the warmth that encompassed me as Alex wrapped her arms around me. I knew it was only out of pity, because she felt sorry that she couldn't return my feelings. I gripped onto her so tight because I didn't want to let her go; the smell of coco butter and ginger soap was so comforting and soporific and I could fall asleep in these arms every night.
“You don’t have to do this.”
I whispered into her mane of hair - it felt as soft as I’d imagine and nothing could compare to how soft it felt against my skin, my hands itched to mess it up like Alex had messed me up from the inside out - as I pulled away from her. “I know you’re only doing this out of sym-”
“Who said that?”
A blush broke out on my face, worse than my acne in High School, at the implications of that question (or perhaps it was how her lips quirked into a smirk that looked so y I almost forgot how to breath). What was that- Did she- How was I-
“What?” I’d whispered in confusion as I tried to squash down the tendrils of hope that lingered in my chest like the smoke after a fire. Why did she have to tease me like this? Why did she have to relight the wish and what ifs that wouldn't extinguish no matter how hard I tried?
Alex's smile was like the sun in the afternoon; when rays of warmth spill into the lecture hall, coaxing you to the land of sleep as the teacher's languid speech becomes a hum in the background. When drowsiness drapes over you like a heavy blanket and you don't want to move because everything is just so lethargic and perfect. Well, if Alex's smile was like a sedative that pulled me away from the edge, the brink of anxiety and stress and reality then her kisses were like a drug, a high that made me feel as if I was free falling, and the drop was limitless.
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