sehun remembers everything about luhan. from the way his lips quirk up into one of his cheeky smiles, to the way his eyes sparkle like diamonds when he is up to something mischievous. he remembers how luhan likes to wear socks to sleep, and how he refuses to allow anyone onto his bed, not even him. he remembers how luhan takes 2 glasses of warm milk before his sleeps, and how he likes his bread toasted with butter for breakfast. 

 

"why is it so hard, hyung?" he finds himself whispering to jongdae one night. 

 

they are standing at the balcony of their dorm, looking down at the blurry of people below them scurrying about as the rain splatters down. the wind blows their hair back and jongdae takes one step forward to place his hands on the handrail. he sighs, a melancholic undertone heavy under his weak smile. sehun does not say more, but he knows that jongdae understands.

 

"I don't know, sehun. I really don't know." jongdae finally mutters, wisps of white breath dissolving into the darkness in front of him. he sighs again and turns around, patting sehun lightly as he dodges past him into the warmth of his room. 

 

~~~

 

"chanyeol hyung you ," sehun grumbles under his breath as he wipes his face on his sleeve. 

 

chanyeol has just dumped an entire bucket of water on sehun and it's safe to say that sehun is not the least amused. a chorus of chortles fill the living room as the other members see the maknae sulking in one corner. sehun throws them a pout and sits down heavily on the couch where they are getting ready to watch a late night movie. 

 

"aw look, the baby's getting upset." baekhyun reaches out to pinch sehun's cheek. sehun swats his hand away and grabs a pillow to hide under.

 

"screw off you irritating beagle," he mutters softly under his breath.

 

"yah! show some respect you little ," baekhyun exclaims and plonks himself heavily on sehun. sehun struggles under his weight but baekhyun remains firmly seated on his lap. 

 

"ay kids don't be like this," a frowning suho steps into the room and places his hands on his hips as he stares down at the two boys squirming on the couch. 

 

"you're already in your twenties and I still have to worry about you guys," suho sighs and goes forward to drag a squealing baekhyun off of sehun. sehun relaxes visibly and allows a smug smile to graze his features as he looks up at baekhyun knowingly. baekhyun sticks his tongue out and storms to the other side of the sofa. 

 

"cmon guys! the show is starting!" jongdae announces from under a heavy load of pillows and everyone effectively falls into silence, with only the occasional bickering between chanyeol and baekhyun, and sehun whining to luhan about how chanyeol was being incredibly mean to him. the show turns out to be pretty funny, and nearly everyone is rolling on the floor in laughter as the credits roll in. but sehun notices that luhan is silent.

 

~~~

 

"luhan hyung, anything wrong?" sehun knocks on his door lightly, pushing the door open by a fraction when he hears soft cries.

 

luhan's back is to him and it heaves up and down as he whimpers into the pillow. sehun immediately rushes forward and envelopes luhan into a tight hug from behind because he doesn't know what else to do. he rocks them back and forth slowly before he feels luhan's cries getting softer. 

 

"what's wrong?" he asks gingerly, patting the smaller boy's back and encouraging him to speak.

 

"I'm fine, j-just tired," luhan replies, voice muffled by his hands as he sniffles. 

 

"are you sure you'll be fine?" 

 

"I-I'll be fine. you should go sleep, it's late and you have a full schedule tomorrow." luhan turns around and gives sehun a smile, but under glittering eyes, sehun sees pain. 

 

"alright, call me if you need anything, you know I'm always here." sehun gets up and turns to the door, taking a few steps forward before glancing back at luhan. 

 

luhan urges him on, gesturing and smiling tiredly. 

 

"I will."

 

~~~

 

sehun should have seen it coming. the lifeless eyes, robotic movements, loss of appetite, everything linked up. but at that moment sehun was just too busy himself to notice anything out of the ordinary. 

 

yet no matter how tired luhan was, he would always make an effort to walk to extra mile to buy a cup of bubble tea for sehun, because that way he could see him smile, and that was the only thing that was keeping luhan there. 

 

~~~

 

"hyung, I don't think I can do it much longer." luhan turns to minseok. 

 

they are standing at the balcony, with the harsh winter winds bellowing at their faces and lips so cracked they were bleeding. but as cold as the outside world seemed, luhan felt even colder inside. 

 

"what do you mean?" minseok asks back. 

 

"I think I finally know the reason why kris left," luhan whispers, watching as minseok flinches at the name of the leader who left them not so long ago. he knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he didn't think he'd survive if he continued the sleepless nights and unrelenting anxiety.

 

"don't tell me-"

 

"I'm sorry, hyung."

 

"how can you bear to do this? we.." minseok splutters and tears spring to his eyes, not because of the cold, but because in that moment his heart felt like it would break for real. once with kris was enough to crack the solid structure, twice was more than enough to break it through.

 

"we're like family," he finally ends, grabbing luhan's hand and with eyes that pleaded for him to stay, he looked up at him.

 

luhan hears the sound of his heart breaking.

 

"I'm sorry minseok, I really am. but I can't, don't you see? I can't." luhan cries then, sliding down against the railing and pressing his head against the cold hard metal. it's only under the moonlight that his dark eye circles and protruding cheek bones are on full display. they stick out on his gaunt face, and minseok bends down to touch them. 

 

"i understand," minseok whispers, white breath dissipating into the blackness that lay ahead. he stands up and walks back into the house, back turned so luhan won't see the tears pouring down his face.

 

but luhan knows, and he cries even harder.

 

~~~

 

in October they finally have a day of complete rest, so they decide to make full use of it. they end up building a fort in their living room, and playing card games through the day. at night they decide on a movie marathon, and they settle down on the couch comfortably. 

 

by the time the credits of the second movie starts rolling in, all but two members are fast asleep, snoring and lying on one another, some even tumbling onto the floor.

 

luhan and sehun look away from the screen and at each other, chuckling lightly when they see the scene around them. 

 

sehun points at jongdae who's currently sleep-talking, and he's laughing so hard he has to bite his hand to prevent himself from making too much noise. luhan grins in response and pats sehun's hand lightly. they lean against the couch and sigh.

 

"remember the time we were walking up the stage and chanyeol hyung was trying to act cool so he crashed into the pole?" sehun bursts into laughter and claps lightly. luhan laughs along and he feels the initial tiredness lifting off of him when he hears the sound of his best friend's laughter. the beautiful melody unlocks something in him, and reminds him why he's still staying.

 

"and the time when baekhyun was jumping up and down during 3.6.5 and accidentally whacked joonmyun in the balls." luhan adds, and they fall into another bout of mindless laughter.

 

"hyung's face was hilarious," sehun coughs out, drunk on the mixture of ecstasy and tiredness. luhan doesn't think he's laughed harder than this in a long while.

 

by the time they were done laughing, one hour had passed and they were halfway through the next movie, even though both of them weren't paying attention to the show. 

 

"it's been two years already huh," luhan says, turning to look at sehun.

 

"yeah, two years. time really flew by," sehun nods, smiling at luhan. 

 

luhan's heart clenches.

 

"but, it's been tiring, hasn't it?" he pries further.

 

"of course. but that's all part and parcel of being in this industry, isn't it?" sehun replies, and for a moment luhan is shocked at how mature sehun has become.

 

"you're right. last year it was all happy and cheerful, but ever since," luhan takes a deep breath," ever since kris left it hasn't been the same."

 

sehun tenses up at the name, and keeps his eyes carefully trained on he television in front of him.

 

"sehunnie, don't be like tha-" luhan starts, reaching out to touch sehun's hand, but sehun interrupts almost immediately.

 

"why are you mentioning him again. he's gone, he left us to suffer, and he's never coming back." sehun spits angrily, and luhan sees tears forming in the younger's eyes.

 

"he had his reasons, it was going to happen sooner or later," luhan reasons. 

 

"he had his reasons, but he shouldn't have left like that. he didn't even tell us, and we had to stay up days after that just rehearsing and learning his lines because he didn't even have the mind to tell us that he was leaving. didn't we mean anything at all to him?" sehun is crying now, choking slightly.

 

luhan finds himself at a loss for words. he doesn't know what to say, because he was disappointed as well when he woke up one day and all traces of kris was removed from their lives. he was upset and terrified of what the future held when he saw the group falling apart. he was afraid and pressured to keep the group together because he was the oldest. 

 

but at the same time, he emphatised. he understood, he knew. and now he doesn't have the heart to tell sehun that not too long later, he would be the one breaking his heart again.

 

"do you hate him?" luhan asks finally. sehun wipes his eyes and tugs the pillow closer to his body. he contemplates for a while before opening his mouth to answer. 

 

"no."

 

"why? after all he did, aren't you angry?"

 

"I was angry, hyung, very angry. but he's still kris hyung, the same hyung who went through 2 years with us, the same hyung who endured that the company threw at him, the same hyung who comforted me when the only lines I was given were literally letters," sehun says softly. 

 

"I don't hate him, but I miss him, luhan hyung. I miss him so much." tears drip down sehun's face and the sight tears luhan's heart into pieces. he reaches out and brushes the tears away.

 

"sehun, remember what I said? I want you to always be happy, even when you lose every reason to smile, I want you to find one. I'll always be here for you, even when I'm not here."

 

"what do you mean?" sehun in a deep breath and looks over at luhan with terror in his eyes.

 

luhan allows himself to lower his gaze from sehun's before he speaks again.

 

"I mean," he starts, voice cracking, "I won't be here always."

 

"no no no you're lying," sehun cries, and he grabs luhan by the shoulders and begins to shake him roughly, "tell me you're lying, please."

 

"sehun, I can't." luhan whimpers, pulling sehun's hand away from his shoulders and he holds it in his palm, where they collect the tears that drip uncontrollably down like sand in an hourglass, counting down to the last second that he has with sehun.

 

"why not hyung, why can't you stay?" sehun cries harder, sobs ripping through the silence and piecing straight into luhan's heart, where he doesn't think can be even more broken than it is now.

 

"I just can't, sehun, I'm sorry."

 

"don't say you're sorry, just stay. please, I'm begging you. for me, for the group, we need you. hyung, please," sehun is crying so hard his whole body shakes with each sob that slips past his lips. 

 

"sehun, don't do this, please. I'm sorry." luhan pleads, trying to untangle his fingers from sehun's iron grip. 

 

"what about our promise, hyung? what about everything you promised me? what happened to our forever, to the time you swore to protect me till the end of time? did they mean nothing to you? did I mean nothing to you?" sehun grips luhan's wrist so tightly his own knuckles turn white, and tears stain his cheeks where they slip down and soak into his jeans. but just as he feared, luhan pulls himself free of his grasp, and he almost sees himself losing grip of luhan, where he disappears into an abyss that he cannot reach. 

 

"there's no such thing as forever, sehun. I'm sorry." luhan smiles almost sadistically. the type of smile that sehun knows he's too far gone to pull back. 

 

just as luhan stands up to leave, sehun reaches out and encircles his wrist lightly, movements slow and weary. luhan looks away so sehun won't see the tears still flowing down. 

 

"will you stay with me one last night?" 

 

~~~

 

98

 

99

 

 

 

a knock on the door.

 

"sehun, I found this on your bed. I think you should take this," jongdae passes sehun an MP3 player, before turning around quickly to shut the door behind him. sehun catches the red eyes before he is faced with his hyung's back. jongdae was crying. jongdae never cries.

 

he flips the small black object around in his hand, a growing mixture of trepidation and anticipation rising up in his heart. he quickly fumbles about luhan's drawer for earphones and plugs it in immediately.

 

'--- hey, it's me," sehun's heart breaks when he hears the familiar voice ringing in his ears. he suppresses a cry and forces himself to continue listening.

 

"im sorry that I let you down, and I just wanted you to know that I still love you, I still love exo, and I always will." sehun's hands begin to tremble and he grips the MP3 player even tighter, afraid to let go off his last memory of luhan.

 

"if ever you feel tired and lonely, just walk out and buy a cup of bubble tea for yourself, because when you drink it you'll know that somewhere on this earth, I'm thinking about you. you may hate me, you may loathe me, I understand. but please don't give up on exo. they need you." tears spill out of sehun's eyes and he bites his lips so hard they bleed, but he doesn't waver. 

 

"I'll always be thinking of you, I love you, sehunnie." his voice ends there. sehun collapses on the bed, shocked tears soaking into the pillow under him. just as he is about the throw the MP3 player across the room, soft music starts to play and he stops. this tune is all too familiar to him, and he chokes back his cries when luhan's voice sounds, so beautifully yet twisted, because he knows he'll never hear him again. 

 

miracles in december was always his favourite song.

 

~~~

 

"will you stay with me one last night?"

 

"okay."

 

luhan tugs sehun up and leads them to a quiet corner on the floor where he lays down tiredly. sehun follows suit and breathes rhythmically next to him.

 

just as sehun is about to drift to sleep, he whispers to luhan, "promise me you'll be here when I wake up."

 

luhan's heart clenches and twists painfully in his chest. he whispers back to sehun, voice beautiful and soft yet threatening to break. 

 

"I promise you." 

 

------

 

The End.