Living with Jongin was easy. Actually I think it’s always easy when you love someone. I thought it would be like that forever. Me and Jongin - an international idol. Forever hiding from the outside world in our little apartment, being happy with each other’s presence. It was always enough and I wanted to stay like that forever. 

I didn’t care that he couldn’t take me out dates where people could see. I didn’t care that he almost never had time to spend with me. Those few hours together were always enough for us. I thought nothing could go wrong, because the biggest of our problems had always been the outsiders. We didn’t fight because we didn’t have problems with each other. What I didn’t know was that life always finds a way to surprise you, to make something you thought was impossible happen.

It was just a regular day. I got off late from work, thinking that Jongin would be busy with his rehearsals for an upcoming comeback. But when I exited my office, I saw a familiar black car parked in front of the building. The windows were blurred, but I couldn’t miss it. It was a car I sneaked into almost every day.

A smile spread on my face as I hurried to him. I had barely jumped in his car when his arms hugged me tight. He was holding me as if it was the last time he would ever see me. As always.

“What are you doing here?! Why didn’t you text me you were coming I would finish earlier.” I told him, when he finally released me.

“You know I love surprises.” He smiled. “Now let’s go home, I’m so hungry!”

“You’re always hungry.” I laughed.

“And you’re always ready to feed me, that’s why I love you.” I chuckled at his response and kissed his cheek, as he the engine and drove to our apartment.

We quickly ran to the building as always, trying not to draw too much attention. It had already started raining and we got completely wet, even though we didn’t have to walk much. 

In no time, we were already in our small home, laughing at our own misery, but I thought it was still the best moments of our life. If Jongin was ready to hide, it meant that I was important to him. Just like this relationship.

“I made dinner, come on!” I laughed at him and messed his wet hair.

“No, no, no! First a shower or we’re going to catch a cold!” he said and dragged me to the bathroom.

“Since when are you so thoughtful Kim Jongin?” I asked with suspicious eyes.

“I just want to see you in shower, don’t get wrong thoughts.” he laughed as I smacked his head, but we were still warming up under the hot water in less than two minutes.

“Little drops stay on your eyelashes, it’s so cute!” he beamed and wrapped his arms around me.

“You think everything’s cute!” I laughed as I hugged his body closer to mine.

“Because I love you.” he said and hid his face in my neck. I smiled to myself, because I couldn’t think of anything I had done in my life to deserve him. To deserve this puppy of a boy who could be happy because of some water drops.

“But seriously, I really, really, really love you, you know that right?” he asked as he pulled away and turned off the water. He was looking at me with such unbearably adorable eyes that I wouldn’t say anything else than a big positive “Yes”

I quickly jumped out of the shower, before he could get any more ideas and threw a big fluffy towel around my body. I ignored his groans as I entered our bedroom to change into some shorts and Jongin’s T-shirt. He followed me pulling on some underwear and comfortable looking sweatpants. I made a mental note to try those pants out once. Maybe they would go to the collection of clothes Jongin would never get wear again, because they looked better on me.

“Are you ready for dinner?” I asked him.

“As always.” he laughed and followed me to the kitchen, still lacking a shirt.

I was about to open the fridge, when we heard the doorbell ring. We exchanged glances, neither of us expecting any visitors as I shrugged and went to get the door. It was probably one of s, so I didn’t mind to check, before opening. I was sure Jongin was still in the kitchen.

I was shocked to see a teenage girl standing on the other side. I was about to ask who she was, when her eyes widened as she looked behind me. Suddenly she took out a phone and took a picture in the speed of light. I couldn’t even realize what had happened before she was running away and disappearing into the hall. I turned back and faced Jongin who was frozen in place, still not wearing a shirt. His eyes had anger, panic and confusion mixed in them as he shouted. “Close the door, now!”

“Wha-what happened, Jongin?” I asked as he paced around the room.

“You don’t know what happened do you? I saw her when you got in my car at your office building, she must have seen me and followed us here.” he hadn’t looked at me once, while talking.

“She-she took a picture of us, didn’t she?” I said also avoiding his eyes.

“Y/N, stop acting like you have no idea what just happened!” he yelled suddenly. Never in my life had I heard him raise his voice.

“Why are you screaming at me? Did I ask her to come and take a photo of us?”

“It’s because you didn’t close the car door in time, Y/N! What am I going to do now, huh? She’s going to upload that photo to every single website she has access to!” 

“Jongin, just relax and sit down for a minute, I can’t look at you like this!” I also raised my voice, because he was being unreasonable. I was also in that photo. Everyone would know it was me with Jongin.

“How can you stand there and tell me to relax? Y/N, she even knows where we live do you even understand what has happened? What am I going to do now?” he was already getting on my nerves.

“Jongin, you making it sound like you don’t want people to know you’re in a relationship with me. Is it about me, or about your career, I can’t understand anymore.” my words made him stop as he looked at me dead in the eye.

“You’re happy aren’t you?” he asked.

“What?!”

“You’re happy that you won’t have to hide anymore. You wanted people to know you’re dating famous Kai didn’t you?!” his eyes were angry.

“What the heck are you talking about, Kai?” I said his stage name with a sneer. “Don’t make me doubt this relationship, because of a stupid photo!”

“A stupid photo?! That stupid photo is going to be the end of my life!” he yelled again.

“Well, I’m glad to know that people realizing who you really love is the end of your life! Or do you love me, Kai?”

“Since when do you call me Kai”

“Since you’re not acting like a Jongin I fell in love with.” 

“Maybe you fell in love with the wrong person.”

“Maybe I don’t feel that anymore so that’s okay.” I said without thinking.

“Then what are you doing here? Why are you still talking to me. If I don’t mean anything to you, just go! Is that what you want?”

“I want nothing more than to go and never return right now!”

“Then what are you waiting for? Go and look forward to seeing your face on the blogs tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll be happy then!”

“I don’t care about your words anymore, Jongin. But you’re doing a great job, right now! I’m going to protect you forever or what did you promise? You’re telling me to go away even though a crazy sasaeng is probably waiting at the entrance of this building. Goodbye, Jongin, I’m sure you’ll make up a great lie about why you were with me half . Or maybe it won’t be a lie, because it definitely wasn’t because you love me.” I said as i stormed off. I didn’t know where I was going, but I ran and ran as the tears started streaming down my face. I regretted almost everything I had said there, but I wasn’t going to return. I wasn’t going to return just to have him scream and blame me for everything. I was thinking of how perfect our lives had been just an hour ago as the bright light blinded me.

I realized that I was still running. I hadn’t stopped since I left our house but now I was too slow. I wouldn’t be able to outrun it and the car was driving to fast to stop. I knew what it meant. “Jongin…” Was the only word that came after me after the crash.

---

“Miss Y/N, here’s your lunch.” a young nurse walked in my room. It was my fourth day in this hospital and I couldn’t endure it anymore. The nurse was always very kind and gentle with me. She completely understood, why I didn’t want to inform anyone about my accident. 

You’re lucky that you’re alive, the doctors always said. People told me that coming out of this accident only with a broken arm is a definite luck. 

“You know you can go home today, right? The doctor will check on you once more and then you can leave in the evening.” she said as she set the tray on my thighs. 

“Yes, I know, I can’t wait to go home.” I said and picked up the spoon to enjoy my soup.

“Y/N, are you sure you’ll be okay alone? Don’t you want someone to pick you up?” she said with a worried look on her face. I thought for a second before answering. Maybe I should have called Jongin.

“No, I’ll be fine.” I said and smiled at her, even though I knew she was right. I needed Jongin’s help.

“Okay then, the doctor will come in twenty minutes so finish your lunch. Good luck, Y/N.” she said finally and left my room.

After I exchanged my last goodbyes with my doctor, I walked outside for the first time in four days. It was raining. The fresh air and cold raindrops on my face were somehow new to me and suddenly memories from the night the accident happened washed over me. Inside the hospital, I spent most of my time talking to my doctors, worrying about my broken hand and sleeping. I couldn’t afford to think about the reason I had to be in that overly white place in the first place.

But now, when I returned to the life that still existed outside of those white walls, the feelings came back. I remembered that horrible night. I remembered the words I had exchanged with the person I love with all my heart. 

I wanted to go home, but then I realized - I wasn’t wanted there anymore. Or so he had said. 

I was getting completely soaked and I tried to keep my broken arm from the rain. I was tired and I wanted to be safe and dry, under my roof, covered in blankets with his warm arms holding me tight.

I checked my phone, which now had a few cracks on the screen, to see that it was 8:30 pm. It was Monday and Jongin should have still be in SM, practicing, so the house should have been empty. I stopped a taxi and told the driver the address to our apartment. I was still thinking of what to do. What to do if Jongin was still home. Where to go if he wasn’t. Would he care where I would continue living? 

When the driver stopped the car, I paid him and ran to the building. Getting more wet, just like the last time I went here. I quickly ran up the stairs and stopped in front of our front door. 

If Jongin was inside, then he could definitely hear my deep breaths. My heart started pounding hard, as I opened the door slowly, only to see the darkness. I was alone and I didn’t know if that left me relieved or depressed.

I walked inside and carefully turned the lights on. 

The sight was definitely what I hadn’t expected.

The couch was lying upside down as if someone had thrown it in anger. The pieces of furniture were scattered on the floor broken in pieces. The curtains were ripped apart. Our small, cozy living room looked like a crime scene. 

I walked around the room, picking up shattered vases, decorations and souvenirs that I had bought together with Jongin. Every single one of them had meant something through our life and now everything was gone. Those symbols were broken just like our relationship.

I was crouching on the floor, when I saw few photo frames on my left. Our pictures. Our memories from our happy past. The broken pieces of glass were painted with blood. Jongin’s blood. Where was he? What had he done after I left? 

I walked around the room for some more as tears started filling my eyes. All I wanted to do was to get some money and clothes to go away from him, because he wanted me gone. But seeing the mess Jongin had made, made it hard for me to breathe, so I walked to the balcony, slowly opening the door and breathing in the fresh air. It had started to rain even harder.

“Who are you and why are you walking around my house.” A quiet voice startled me. I looked to my right and saw him. 

Jongin was sitting on the floor. Actually I can’t say that he was sitting, because it takes some energy to sit. He looked as if all life was out of him. His head was leaning on the wall and he didn’t even look up to check who was standing next to him. The rain was pouring onto him and he didn’t even twitch once. One of his hands was clutching his heart, as the other one lay on the floor lifelessly. 

“You knew someone was walking in your house and you didn’t even check who it was?” I said with all the energy that I had. “What if I was a killer?” 

His eyes seemed in pain for a minute when he heard my voice. I walked out on the balcony and felt cold raindrops falling on me. 

“So what?” he asked and I noticed that he was holding something in the hand which was clutching his heart. 

The sight of him made me sad. It made me want to hold him tight and tell him everything’s alright, but nothing was. Nothing was alright with us.

“How long have you been sitting here?” I asked quietly.

“How long have you been gone?” 

“You wanted me to go.”

“You wanted to go.” he said. He hadn’t looked up as his eyes stared into nothing.

“What did you do to the house?” I ignored his question.

“It’s not like you want to live here anymore.” he said and I could feel tears in his strained voice.

“Stop making decisions for me.”

“I’m not. You decided when you ignored me for days.”

“If you only looked up, you’d see the reason for that.” I told him. 

He slowly turned his head toward me as his eyes laid on my broken arm. Shock and panic set on his face,

“Wh-what happened?” 

“A car crashed into me when I ran away. I had been in the hospital since so I’m sorry if I didn’t call you.”

To my surprise, he curled up into a smaller ball, his knees up to his chest. His hold on something he was clutching at his heart, became tighter as his body started shaking slightly. He was sobbing.

“Okay, that’s enough.” I said and crouched in front of him. “Get up, or you’re going to die here.” I held his arms and tried to get him to stand, but he had no strength. “Jongin, help me! I can’t carry you inside, my hand still hurts you know.” As I said these words, some sort of light appeared in his eyes and he straightened up. I supported him with my hand that wasn’t plastered and we returned to the living room. He immediately fell in an armchair nearby and I crouched in front of him. His hold loosened and something fell out of his hand. He had been clutching our photo all along. It was smeared with his blood, because he’d probably cut his hands when he picked it up from the broken glass.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” I asked a little too loudly. His eyes darted to meet mine, but soon went back to stare into space.

“Why would you care?” he asked back in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.

“Why would I care that you are basically killing yourself? Or are you talking about destroying our house? I mean why would I care about that right?” 

“You don’t care about me.” he said suddenly. “You made it clear days ago when you said those mean words and ran away. And then you didn’t even bother to let me know that you almost died! Does that seem like a person who cares?” his eyes were boring into mine now and it was hard to keep his gaze.

“May I remind you, that you practically screamed at me because a sasaeng found our house?” I couldn’t keep my emotions in. He had started all of this. “You know what Jongin? I was scared! I was actually scared of you! Of course I didn’t call you from the hospital after everything you said. You don’t get to blame me for anything because it’s your fault that our relationship is shattered to pieces.” I said at last ,stood up and hurried to the door. “I almost died and all you’re doing is complaining about how I didn’t call. If that’s what you call caring, then I really have to go.” 

I opened the door and stepped outside when he suddenly yelled and stopped me.

“Don’t do that again!” 

“What?” I turned around.

“Why are you leaving me again?” tears were rolling down his face now.

“Jongin-” 

“No!” he cut me off. “You left once and look what happened. Your hand is broken and I’m basically dying because I haven’t eaten in days. Why are you leaving, why can’t you just stay with me?!”

I looked down at my feet, because it was hard to see him like this - broken.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” I asked finally.

“Because I don’t want anything if your not here. I don’t want this house, I’d rather sleep in the streets! I don’t even want to eat. I don’t want to live without you, so why are you leaving me?!” He was crying hard now and he wasn’t even trying to hide it. “Please come here. Please. I’m going to die if you leave now.”

I did the only thing that was possible for me to do. 

I ran to him. I ran into his arms and they were as open for me as always. I was stupid for thinking that his feeling for me had changed. Our love was as still as strong as ever. 

I gently sat in between his thighs and threw my legs on my left, over the armchair. He was soaked wet but I didn’t care. My healthy hand cupped his face, as his own arms found their familiar way around my waist and held me closer to him. I started leaving small kisses on his face, as if filling him with energy he lacked so much.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” he chanted and it seemed like he would never get tired of saying it. 

“I know Jongin. I know.” I said in his ear.

“No, you don’t”

“I would have gone already if I didn’t know.” 

“Do you love me?” he asked suddenly. “Can you still love me again after everything that I’ve done?” his eyes were filled with panic.

“I never ever stopped loving you, Jongin. I don’t think I’m planning to anytime soon.” I spoke to him and leaned my head against his once steady chest. “You need to understand why I didn’t call.”

“Thank you for not calling. I would have died right there and then if they told me that this happened to you because of me. I’ll take care of you so hard that you’ll get sick of me.” he said and kissed the top of my head.

“You won’t be able to do that in this state. I feel like dying when I see you like this.” I confessed.

“Then you’ll take care of me too. Let’s just protect each other, okay?”

“Let’s do that.” I said and snuggled deeper into his chest as if I would die without its’ warmth.