I.

"Namjoon, stop being a ."

He tilts his chair back on two legs. "Hoseok. How many times have I told you to stop calling things butts?"

"Probably so many times but I don't care right now. My friend - no, the whole city - is currently in trouble and only you can save us. Only you, Joonie! Please do me a solid. Just this one time." Hoseok sticks his bottom lip out, using that nickname to sound cute or something even though Namjoon definitely hates it probably.

"Okay, first of all, I need to at least meet him before I make any promises. He seems nice on KakaoTalk but I don't even know him. Secondly, just this one time? Jung Hoseok, what the . Each new day means there's something else you need. Some other city you can't save, or a planet about to be destroyed, or whatever your excuses is that day." Namjoon sips his hot chocolate. (If you asked him what he was drinking, he would tell you it's coffee. No sugar - black coffee. Hoseok would tell you it's actually drugs because Hoseok ing .) "Like, I don't mind helping you out,  but come on. Just give it to me straight."

"Fine, that's fair, but this is serious! I live with my family so there's no room at my house and you know Yoongi's got enough going on at his place. And you need a roommate anyway." Hoseok pauses dramatically. "Did I mention he can cook?"

Namjoon's chair slams down. "What time did you say he was getting here?"

"Soon." Hoseok smiles brightly. "You'll love him, I promise."

"Really," Namjoon says.

"Oh, stop with that, you know I'm always right."

"Alright, alright. So... this friend of yours. You must really like him, huh? If you're taking care of all this for him." Namjoon wiggles his eyebrows. Hoseok makes a face back at him. "And the reason we haven't met is...? Wait, let me guess. You made him up and paid someone to text me as him."

Hoseok cackles. "No, he's shy."

"Pfft. Yeah. He's friends with you and he's shy. That's absolutely believable."

"Okay fine, I'm protecting him from you and Yoongi," Hoseok says in a fake wise voice. "I was worried you'd give him gray hair." He sighs. "Prematurely."

"You're not doing a very good job protecting him if he's moving in with me." Namjoon cracks a smile. "What are you, his dad?"

"Nooo, he's my hyung. And... I thought Yoongi was dad?" Hoseok cackles again.

"Oh my god," Namjoon says, throwing his empty cup at him. Hoseok actually catches it and sets it upright on the table. Jerk. "Just stop with these weird jokes. Or at least explain them. You make no sense."

Hoseok leans in closer over the table and whispers, "Except it totally does make sense, man. Yoongi is really powerful. All he has to do is use his dad voice and Jungkook and Jimin listen to him. At the same time."

"I know, it's scary and I'm actually in awe," Namjoon whispers back. "But don't tell him I said that."

"Pinky promise, dude."

"Bro. We need something stronger than a pinky promise."

They bump fists.

"Alright so tell me about Jungshik or whatever his name is."

Hoseok bursts out laughing again. "It's Seokjin, you dummy."

"Right, Seokjin. Exactly what I said."

He rolls his eyes but lets it go. Then he taps his chin and says, "Hm well he's pretty nice. He's like an old man though because he's always asking if you've eaten and probably has nothing in common with you. Except maybe the same appetite. Oh but he's hot so good luck, Namjoonie."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Namjoon kicks him under the table. "And don't call me that."

"It means whatever the hell you want it to mean." Hoseok kicks back. "Use this information wisely. Don't be too startled when he walks in here in a couple minutes."

"Why's this all happening so fast?" Namjoon grumbles a little.

"Well, he needs to move in fast. Like I said: emergency. Anyway I texted him a reminder but I guess he was still at work. What a ..."

"Hoseok... what did I say about-" The cafe's door bell chimes, interrupting his tangent about butts. He had a lot to say about the connotatio-

"Shh Joon, he's here! Pretend to be civil!"

"Pretend??"

II.

He shouldn't even be here.

What the hell was he thinking? He doesn't even know him.

Briefly, he considers his alternative housing options - well, the streets - and decides. No. This is okay. He can do this. He doesn't need to know that guy; he just needs to trust Hoseok.

He pushes the door open and the bell chimes brightly. The next sound he hears is someone yelling "Pretend??" and, quickly following, Hoseok laughing. He rubs his forehead and sighs. Of course.

Seokjin ignores everything else except the path toward Hoseok, who sees him approaching and looks up with a wide grin.

"Hello~" Hosoek sing-songs in English.

"H-Hey?" There goes Seokjin's cool entrance.

Namjoon (he guesses) gives him a small wave. "So you do exist."

Seokjin stops next to the table. "You were doubting it?"

"Nah." He doesn't offer more explanation but he cracks a smile. Hoseok does too and shoves his shoulder.

Then Namjoon invites him to his place and Hoseok only makes one inappropriate joke about it - "OHOHO you guys sure move fast" - before ditching them halfway there.

"I've got a hot date," he winks.

Seokjin knows for a fact he was just gonna go to Taehyung's place, make pasta, and watch documentaries until they both pass out. Which actually sounds like a great idea right now. Even though Hoseok never buys the good cheese.

Hoseok, who isn't even staying to help him with Namjoon. Or help Namjoon with him. Why is Hoseok such a bad friend? What did Seokjin ever do to deserve this? Does their friendship mean nothing??

He feels a hand on his shoulder and jolts back into reality. Namjoon's right in front of him.

"Hey. Nothing bad is going to happen."

"Wow, thank you very much," Seokjin deadpans.

"I'm just saying. I can practically hear the gears in your head." Namjoon tries to smile at him.

Seokjin tries not to scoff. "I'm fine. But thanks." He pauses. "For all of this, actually. I know it's weird and-"

"You'll get used to it."

Seokjin doesn't think he's going to get used to Namjoon always interrupting him any time soon.

"Uh, yeah." He leaves it at that.

Finally, after approximately 1.5 eternities, they get to Namjoon's place. It's small but surprisingly well-kept. Seokjin wonders why he needs a roommate for this place but assumes it's just another piece of information he's not privy to.

"Home sweet home," Namjoon says.