Word count: 915

"I lost control and I don't want it back. I'm going numb, I've been high jacked"

Jessica stood hunched over the bathroom sink crying so hard she had trouble breathing. Her breaths coming out in short gasps. She wouldn't allow herself to be so selfish. Especially knowing what it would mean for the two of them. But she so desperately wanted to be, just this once then never again. Somehow they'll manage. Somehow it had would work out in the end. 

But Jessica knew all too well that's not the way it would work. The world just had to mock her like this. Grant her a gift that would never officially be hers. 

***

Krystal was scared like any other would be in her situation but at the same time, she was confident. Krystal had her sister beside her who always supported her no matter what. 

But Jessica wasn't the same anymore. Since her sudden withdrawal from Girls Generation, she became what one would call a workaholic. And not the good kind at that. 

Not to mention her sudden mood drops. Jessica could be happily playing around with her sister until she heard or saw something that triggered her. The older sister would crumble like if she was made out of sand, slipping through Krystal's fingers. Crying silently without moving a muscle. Jessica just lay there, drowning,...dying.

***

Krystal thought it would go unnoticed, if she took care of her depressed sister at the same time as she worked as an idol. But somehow everyone found out. Even the news of a depressed Jessica reached the now 8 Girls Generation members. Even at their touch or cries she didn't respond she was so deep under the surface she wasn't even there anymore. A pale and worn thin husk of what used to be Girls Generation's power vocal was all that remained.  

Krystal eventually kicked them out, this was their fault after all. If only they had fought for her, for their shared dream. Jessica would still be here. But she wasn't and it drove Krystal mad with fury. These 8 women who her sister claimed to be her sisters despite they were unrelated by blood, betrayed her. 

***

Jessica returned but only for her Blanc and Eclare. Only to design she returned so she could strive and never fall again. She had her business partner, her coworkers, family and her fans. Just to Jessica maybe that was enough. 

Turned out is wasn't.

Jessica would more often than not disappear from the surface of the earth. For a few days or weeks, just sleep, eat, repeat. On those nights Krystal would sleep beside her sister. Hugging her and comforting the older to the best of her abilities.

Jessica wouldn't speak much, barely at all. But she would stare deep into Krystal's eyes as if to see if even she would abandon her. Like her 8 other sisters had. "I would never" Krystal kept assuring her sister. " Never dare hurt you like they done " Jessica would simply nod slightly once. A soft, barely noticeable movement but Krystal managed to catch it. 

***

"This is the end, of you and me. Everything I used to be. Back then it meant something"

Jessica still didn't return, but when in her fans presence or surrounded by cameras she acted like she had. Krystal was heartbroken. Her lover, her sister had gone to war but never came back. 

Still, Krystal loved the shell, the fragment of Jessica that was left. 

"When you are saving me... who's going to save you?" Jessica asked fixing the collar of her blouse. Krystal stood frozen for a while processing the words. The voice that sounded so oddly familiar yet stranger at the same time. Krystal furrowed her eyebrows and looked away. She must remember that the person  in front of her isn't Sooyeon. "I won't need saving" Krystal mustered a reply and the empty shell called Jessica laughed dryly. 

"I'm sinking and you're not going down with me, Soojung" The way the stranger's voice spoke her name was sharp, almost like a hiss. "I won't let you" Jessica finished and walked up to the taller woman and planted one final kiss on her sister's lips. 

"I'm not going to let you destroy yourself by trying to fix me" Jessica whispered softly and Krystal thought that her sister almost mocked her for a second. She thought Jessica wouldn't notice. She thought her sister was still at war. "...You lost the war, and have the audacity to tell me not to save you?!" Krystal whispered back harshly. This was too cruel to be true, too painful.

"Soojung, I died in that goddamn war. I died." Jessica assured her sister. She wasn't the same after all, she wasn't the one they loved anymore.

"Don't do this to me..." Krystal tried to deny, but Jessica just smiled, that same fake smile she gave reporters and fans. The only smile she had left.

"This is the end." Jessica single-handedly decided. Walking out of the room and into the darkness of the night

***

The words "the end" echoed in Krystal's head until she couldn't take it anymore. Until she grew so anxious that the fact that Jessica hadn't been at home for over a week started to gnaw on her and eat her from the inside out. 

Krystal waited and waited but her sister never returned.

Jessica never officially made it back home.