Why everything is so blue tonight? And twirling. Or am I in someone's dream whose house is having a Blue party. Christmas trees should be green with socks and stupid presents hanging all over, but they're blue, all of them. Blue christmas trees are so weird and spaceful. Ahh so we're in the space then, far far from the world,  that's why everything is so freaking blue: dancing people, whiskies, sofas and 'him'.

Yeah, him.

He's right there, just across the room, holding a bottle of blue champagne and chuckling a little when he heard something from tall blue Seunghyun. The music is banging, loud enough that could make a person deaf. No one is interested in anybody but their courtship, Girls woo boys, boys woo girl. Woohoo, impressive. I could see their mouths slowly gasping towards each other, signalling through a flirty smile that "Tonight, I'm free, please take me home."

Get a room, pals.

Why am I here anyway? And why is it so dizzy and blue and blur? Oh yeah, I remember. This is Chaerin's Christmas party at her house. I've got to be here because I'm one of her friends, a close one, intimacy issue. And I'll just get killed if I don't be here, so I stay outside at the balcony, doing nothing but sit and drink.

To hell with the Christmas party, there're no turkeys or Jingle bell song chanting or any of her relatives celebrating, only electronic yanking sounds, people kissing in the corner and stuffs.

"Noisy noisy." I mutter.

I miss my bed and I hate loud noice. This is what? 1am? 2 am? I drink all the cocktail in 1 shot, looking inside the large room again. It's still bluer and blurer. I try to look for Chae, but catch a pair of eyes instead. He's seriously looking this way or am I hallucianting myself? His jacket looks familiar, is that the one he fetched from that reunion party at Seunghyun's? No one would buy a jacket like that. Before I could make further observation, he turns to talk something to a laughing girl.

I laugh too as I fetch another cocktail from the bar. My world is blue. Chaerin is nowhere to be found and here I am, hallucinating myself.

"Hey, kid. Can you tell Chaerin that I'll just go home?"

“Noona, you're drunk, aren't you? I don't think you can't drive like this. It's too dangerous." I've just noticed that I have problems balancing myself when Seungri supports me.

"I'll take a taxi. Just tell her for me. I can't find her in anywhere and you'll be staying up until this whole thing's done." I smile and he does too because he realizes the insinuation.

"I'll give you a ride and I'll just get back here."

"Oh c’mon, I'm 26 alright?  This is Friday night, taxis are more than bottles of boozes here. And it's not the first time, I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, very. You could barely stand."

"So I should try kid. You know I'm capable of taking care of myself, but someone here may need you." He knows what I mean, so he lifts his hands as a sign of surrender.

"10 more minutes ok? And I won't bother you again."

"I've been here for 3 hours already and I won't be last for even 5 more minutes. If I stay longer, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself for real."  And I'll just get distracted by bad ambiences inside the glass room.

"Okay okay, you're tough, but I Insist to give you a ride. I'm worried and Chaerin would be worried too."

"She doesn't know, so how could she be? You're worrying about me or worrying about her getting worried huh? I'll get home in 30 minutes and I'll text her. Are we good? I'll leave now." Not waiting for his response, I leave the place and wave goodbye without turning back.

The scene in front of me is so blue. A couple barking at each other making it more painful without any particular reasons. If Seungri's right about me getting drunk, it'd be fine since this is not the first time I get drunk. I walk pass the quarreling couple.

It'd be nice too. Because my subconscious wouldn't let the dramatizing version play its part. You know, it's normal. Drunkards tend to be more emotional and senseless. They imagine impossible scenes, see past as present, and think impossibly. Fortunately, I tend to be very possible. Like this time, seeing things in blue makes me cling onto myself, not minding anything or anyone. I can sing so loud right now if I'm pleased.

"I'm singing my blues, blues."

See? It's good, hard cocktails could make a forgetful spell.

"Having a nice time singing huh? How many glasses do you drink today?" I close my eyes, walking away with faster pace.

"Dee, stop. You know you can't run away with that sloppy version of yours." The familiar figure flashes a smile when he approaches me, holding my elbow.

"Ji, I'll just go home. It's no threat."

"You're the threat. Who know what drunk people could do? You may tempt to smash the taxi driver's head." He pulls me slightly. I resist.

"I have all my conscious here. I'm not dead drunk."

"That's not my point." I could feel his stare. Why am I always feel his stare even though my eyes are somewhere else? I don't deserve this. He should warp inside the party, laughing and shining. And damn, this jacket.

"Tsk, Let go, Jiyong. I want to go home. And give me back my jacket, you straight-face thief."

"This is mine. See? you're so drunk that you misunderstand that my jacket is yours now. Who knows that you won't smash somebody's head. It's not safe." Now I whip my eyes to his, unable to think of any fierce words right now. You know how hard it is to stand still and keep a poker face when your last round of alcohols is now kicking and ruining you deep.

"You should go back inside. This is my limit for this 'adult' Christmas party. I'm sure they're running out of cocktails right now."

"You have this habit to drink alone. I wonder how it's like?"

"I don't like to drink alone. I just don't like to drink next to thousands of couples making out in front of me. It's creepy." He’s the one who knows this fact so so well. Jiyong stares at me again and takes off my or his jacket, throws it upon my head.

"I'll let you borrow that. You seem to fancy it."

"Because it's mine, you jerk." I struggle with the jacket which accidentally coiling with my hair and about to take it off, but he wraps it around me again, roughly.

"Yah! Stop bullying me, you punk!”He’s having his way of evil laughing, pulling the jacket to cover my face so so harsh and spinning me like spinning a top. I yell, a quarrelling couple is now glancing at us. We seem to be the ones at war right now, even more than them. Despite of my eyelids weighing 30 tons,  I could see them smiling at each other and walk away, eyeing me and Jiyong with sympathetic eyes, very nice.

"No taxis would take you like this. You look like a floating ghost looking for someone to haunt."

"Oh yeah? So, you shouldn't see me, you human, or else I'll haunt you to the core." He laughs. I can't see his face because of the jacket blocking my eyes.

"I'm the exception. I could see you.”

“Stop it, Kwon.”

"And I won't be haunted by the ghost enjoyed drinking so many cocktails without knowing that they're stronger than some liquors." I successfully lift the jacket off and meet his eyes.

"I didn't enjoy drinking. Those cocktails are just sweet drinks."

"Umm, I could see that. Your sugar level might get a little too high now. It's sweet after all." I really hate his mocking pronunciation and he knows that.

"I could knock down in any seconds now, Ji. You could bully me again tomorrow. Let me have my sleep at least." I have no intention to adjust my condition now. I just stand still, the jacket is still cloaking my head like a hood with his hands placing against it. Everything turns slowmo. I have nothing to lose now, the sweet cocktails are toxic and I'm trying my best to gravitate to myself, not to lean on him.

My world is still blue. And spun. Let. me. go.

"Tell me when will you quit leaving the scene without telling anybody. Is it that boring?" His tone is calm and he doesn't budge from his position.

"I've already told Seungri. And why're you asking that? Of course it's boring."

"You know Chaerin can't hold her adult Christmas party in the library."

"That's not what I mean. You see I'm already here." It's my turn to tug the jacket to gloss over my eyes. The Blue Jiyong is spinning and I think my virtual imagination just create the distorted picture as opposed to who he actually is. He can't smile like that. I'm not who I actually am.

"Not everyone belongs to every place. I'll just take a leave from the place that's not mine. Is that a crime?" I let out a sigh. Drunkards tend to be more emotional and senseless, and weak.

"No."

Silence is so greedy, eating away my Christmas time. Jiyong’s breath is too close to my forehead.

"I should go. I've got a bad headache now thanks to your spin a while ago.”

“No.”

“Ji..”

"No one belongs here more than you." Ok, he has my attention now. Jiyong said casually. His voice is falling from my forehead to my ears. What's wrong with this guy? Why does he mention Miranda July's book out of nowhere?

"You want to read that? But you don't read fiction." He takes the jacket off me completely. I recall times when he found the yellow book in my bookshelf and flipped some pages over, complaining non-stop about how absent-minded it was, about how he can't understand this kind of stuff.

"I want to understand."

"Fiction's not about understanding. It's just that you like it or not." I collapse on the grass. The last kick if alcohol is drowning me, including him.

My head is spinning round and round. My brain isn't functioned anymore. He sits next to me, pushing me lightly, but it makes me lie completely on the ground. This is debilitating. I lay my arm against my eyes. How long did I stand wobbly here and torture myself with his presence? If he'd only know how hazy it is.

"If you're the non-fic type, you could stick to that. Nothing's wrong."

"I don't know if I'd stick to that."

"You could borrow it from me later. You can keep it as long as you like, just don't lose it, she’s my favourite."

"I could keep it?"

"Umm." Why is it so blue again? Even when I close my eyes.

"Dee."

“Umm?"

"It's not safe going back by yourself." His voice falters in the air. I could barely catch things now. Everything seems to be dismantled in themselves. Or am I shattered?

"I know it's dark, but it's safe. Trust me, it's safer this way." I couldn't resist the wind, it blows until it's lost. My voice's cracked. It's been like this for a very long time, since last Christmas, since first Christmas, since he's the straight-faced thief and he doesn't even know it.

"You're drunk in every Christmas." Don't stare at me, I know. I've been living with your stare for too long.

"Why?" Because I would have a tangible reason to be weak. Because I know from 5 or 8 minutes after this random talk, you'd leave.

"Ummm, I don't know. But it's nice, isn't it? to get loose."

"Yeah. You're crazy."

"I'm just irresponsible." To you, to everything.

"Remember when we're in Okinawa and you tried to drag me under the sea?"

"Ummm. You failed to resist me once."

"Hey! We both know that it was because you cheated."

"I wasn't. You were the one unaware." He pauses. I could feel him lying next to me.

“Yeah, you’re right."

It's my turn to pause.

"Dara."

“Umm?"

"It's not safe."

"You know I can handle it."

"But I can't."

Crap.

"Don't drink too much. You'll get a bad headache on and on." I lift my arm out of my eyes. His colouring stare welcomes me.

"Ok."

That's all I could manage to say.

 

 

 

END.

 

 

Thank you so much for reading, I hope it colors your day in some points.