They said most relationships tend to fail not is not because of the absence of love. Love is always present; it’s just one was being loved too much and the other wasn’t being loved enough. Kyungsoo thought it was ironic how true it was yet he hated how he had unknowingly drawn the shorter straw. They said that is not how it worked. They said loving was to give yet what they didn’t know was that Kyungsoo had already given too much that he had lost himself. He felt quite pathetic, really, but that was a long time ago – back when he had loved too much and barely got anything back at all.

♪♪ I fell in love, now I fear nothing at all

Kyungsoo met Jongin when he graduated from high school. It was in the middle of summer and the humidity was at its highest. It was the worst time to be cramped in an auditorium with about three hundred people. He almost felt like walking out and just going home, if not for a certain junior that barged his way through his heart.

It was Jongin that first approached him.

“You fell in love with me first. You were head-over-heels” Kyungsoo would even boast sometimes yet he really wasn’t sure if that was the truth, not when his heart started beating fast as soon as their eyes first met. Kyungsoo felt as if Jongin’s chocolate brown orbs and bright smile were taking him into completely different dimension where was nothing but love and happiness.

Jongin asked for his number and that’s how their love story started – from endless conversations to going to the same university to study their art, to moving in together. (Kyungsoo said it was just so they could both save on rent money yet Jongin would always insist that his hyung just can’t get enough of him – neither of them were wrong.)

Everything was nothing but perfect until Jongin got an offer to debut as an idol, together with few other kids in the dance and vocal department. Kyungsoo was nothing but proud until Kai – Jongin’s stage name, his alter-ego – had slowly taken over the boy that promised him nothing but love and happiness.

♪♪ For all the times you rained on my parade. For all the times that you made me feel small.

It was quite a gloomy day in the midst of December. The sky was almost whispering to his ear that it was about to rain as he treaded his way to the coffee shop across the street from his university. It was the end of the semester and he couldn’t be any prouder.

“Jongin-ah!” He half-screamed as he took the seat across the most beautiful scene he had ever seen in his life. He hasn’t seen much but he was more that sure that nothing could beat chocolate brown eyes, face chiseled by the gods, and smile that could win the strongest battles.

“Hyung. Your too loud.” Jongin sighed as he rolled his eyes. “What took you so long?”

Kyungsoo just smiled. He rummaged through his backpack and took out a sheet paper.

Student Composer Award: Do Kyungsoo

He could swear his beam could almost reach the skies.

“What is that?”

Kyungsoo tilted his head, smile slowly faltering as he read the disgust written all over Jongin’s face.

“I won best student composer for the semester, Jongin. It’s what I’ve been working for since freshman year. Remember?”

Jongin flashed a fake smile. Oh how Kyungsoo missed back when those smiled would sparkle as if they were enough to light up the whole world.

“Yeah, yeah. Gratz Hyung.” Jongin mumbled. “It’s just a sheet of paper though. Nothing to be that excited about. Be that loud when you’ve actually got your composition recorded and became a hit.” He even added, eyes wandering way past Kyungsoo was not even there at all.

“Thanks.” Kyungsoo replied dejectedly. “I guess.”

“No problem.” Jongin stood up, tall and perfect figure towering over Kyungsoo and he could swear he had never felt that tiny his whole life. “Let’s go before anybody sees me here with you.”

Kyungsoo’s knees started trembling as his eyes brimmed with tears, tears that he had long mastered to stop from falling. He wanted to speak yet he felt as if Jongin had already taken his words along with his voice and he thought perhaps Jongin really was right – it was nothing but a sheet of paper. Perhaps he really shouldn’t be excited at all when he hasn’t even achieved anything at all. Perhaps he really was a failure while Jongin had already been deemed one of the best dancers in the Korean entertainment industry. Perhaps he really was nothing. Perhaps in the future, when he could finally shine as bright as Jongin, his love would be proud of him too.

Yet how come years later when Kyungsoo’s composition had finally reached the top ten hits, all Jongin gave him was cold stare, an even colder “Good for you”, followed by “You can do better. Get number one next time.”?

Kyungsoo almost sobbed.

Rain started pouring.

♪♪ But when you told me that you hated my friends, the only problem was you not them.

“Kyungsoo!!” Deep, booming voice echoed in the middle of the supermarket. Kyungsoo didn’t have to look to know who had called him name. Such voice could only be owned by a single man on the planet – Park Chanyeol, and base to the little chattering tailing the baritone voice he would also say that there were two tenors bickering right next to his goofy friend.

“Hyung, who-“

“Kyungsoo!!” Chanyeol yelled his name once more followed. “Hey! Long time no see!”

“Yah! Do Kyungsoo! Where have you been?” It was Jongdae, one of the few friends that he had made from one of his music classes.

“Right! We haven’t heard from you in ages!” Baekhyun added.

Kyungsoo just smiled at his friends, feeling quite embarrassed he could say that he had grown accustomed to it. He already knew that being friends with those goofballs also meant that he had to have thicker skin and patience that should be long enough to last a never ending chatter.

“Guys. It’s literally just been a week since the semester ended. We’ll be seeing each other again by nest month” He chuckled. “I’ve been busy too.”

Baekhyun raised his eyebrow, eyes travelling to the figure standing right next to Kyungsoo before nodding and smirking. “I can see that.”

“Baek no-“ Jongdae tried to stop their friend from talking.

“So is this the infamous Jongin we’ve been hearing about.” Baekhyun’s smirk turned into a frown. “You need-“

“Baek please.” Kyungsoo interrupted. He might have told his friends about how Jongin reacted to his awards and some few other instances that Jongin had made him a little sad. Baekhyun wasn’t really Jongin’s biggest and neither any of his friends at all – he really didn’t know why, Jongin was nothing but amazing. “Yes, this is my boyfriend – Kim Jongin.”

Jongdae was the only one civilized enough to shake Jongin’s hand. Jongin didn’t like that. He was offended, actually.

“Kim Jongin. The dancer? Kai? Right?” Chanyeol questioned, taking a step towards Jongin. “I thought you’d be taller in person.”

Jongin stared at Chanyeol, eyes void of any emotion and that might have scared Kyungsoo a little. Jongin’s eyes used to sparkle especially when he smiles.

“Hyung let’s go. I have an appointment to attend to in half an hour.” Jongin looked at his other two friends. “Nice to meet you guys.” He lied as he dragged Kyungsoo away from his friends. “You should not hang out with those guys. They’re weird. I don’t like them.”

“But they-“

“No buts. Stop hanging out with them.”

♪♪ And I’ve been so caught in my job, didn’t see what’s going on. And now I know, I’m better sleeping on my own

Kyungsoo was hired as an assistant music producer almost right after he graduated and his company decided to debut two groups in the same month. It was hell yet it was the most fun he had ever had in the past year. He was barely home, and beyond the fact all Jongin does when they’re together is frown, Kyungsoo still missed him so decided to go home early one Tuesday night.

Oh how he wish he didn’t.

Jongin was at home with two girls right next to him, not even aware that Kyungsoo had gone home. He would’ve offered to make them snacks yet when one of the girl’s lips landed on Jongin’s, Kyungsoo thought it was time for him to go to bed. It was already six o’clock at night anyway. He once read that sleeping early is good for your health.

He tried his hardest not to make any noise as he quickly walked to their guest bedroom, tiredness hastily taking over his body as he let his tears quickly fall from his eyes. It had been so long since he let himself go. Kyungsoo finally succumbed into his pain as he fell into a deep slumber. Perhaps when he wakes up he would realize that everything that had happened was all just part of a very unnecessary nightmare.

He had almost forgotten how free it felt like to sleep alone. Jongin wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t in their bedroom anyway.

Perhaps it was time to let go.

♪♪ And I’d be moving on .. I don’t want to hold back, maybe you should know that

“Soo. Kyungsoo hyung-“ Jongin treaded behind him, trying to tug on his luggage. “Let’s talk about this first. Please”

Kyungsoo had long waited to muster the courage to just walk away. He had waited so long that he had almost lost himself in loving a person that he finally realized didn’t even love him at all. Hell, he even almost forgot what the word love truly meant and it had made him feel so numb, almost soulless.

“Jongin. Let go.”

“Hyung-“

Kyungsoo stared at the person that had once lit up his world, only to bring him into an even deeper, darker trench that he would never desire to back to. He had given Jongin way too much and barely got anything back. He had given Jongin everything he had; even his own self, even his ability to feel. It was a little too late yet perhaps if he tried hard enough, he would start feeling again.

“I thought you love me.”

Kyungsoo wanted to cry yet the only thing he could was laugh until his throat burned as he walked away from the man he had once loved the most, old memories rapidly flashing right before his eyes. It was painfully ironic how something he once thought was nothing but beautiful ended up taking every single fiber of his being, leaving him hollow and numb.

“Goodbye Jongin.”

♪♪ And if you think I’m still holding on something, you should go and love yourself

Perhaps in the future Kyungsoo would learn how to love himself again.

FIN.

♣♣♣

FINALLY AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS!! I'm still very rusty, and I really didnt want to post this since I'm not that confident with whatever I've written but just the fact that I actually finished a story for the first time in almost 2 years feels pretty great. I almost gave up writing and I literally have been telling people when I was asked why I dont write anymore was tha I've lost my words and that I can t write anymore. I'm trying really hard to gain them back so please to bear with me! Thank You!!!