They're walking along a beach on Jeju Island, having finished their day's work, when Siwon realizes it.

The sun is setting far across the waves, making the ocean seem black against its brilliant orange and vibrant red hues. Kyuhyun's hair is whipping in his face from the wind and his face is painted with the setting sun, accentuating the curves of his face, his eyes, his lips. He's talking, but Siwon isn't listening, merely watching the shadows dance across Kyuhyun's face as his lips move. This is when he realizes he loves Kyuhyun.

Somewhere within him, a flame ignites, and it is a slow burn. Siwon feels as though he's been waiting for this moment ever since they met.

"-Siwon? Are you listening?"

"Huh?" They stop.

"You weren't listening at all, were you?" Kyuhyun looks annoyed, but the corner of his lips curves up ever so slightly. A stray piece of hair flies in his face and Siwon thinks he's really breathtaking like this.

"Sorry," Siwon says, grinning. "I was just thinking about how beautiful you are." 

Immediately, Kyuhyun stops smiling, and there is panic in his eyes, and pain. Why is there pain?

Abruptly, Kyuhyun turns back to face forward and resumes their walk, continuing his tangent as though Siwon had never spoken. Siwon feels rejected.

The next time it happens, they're celebrating Siwon's birthday. 

After what Siwon labeled as "the beach incident," Kyuhyun had pretended nothing was out of the ordinary, leaving Siwon to wallow in his new-found love alone. But, at least the person he now calls the love of his life isn't pulling away from him. Or avoiding him. In fact, right now, they're all watching a movie in the Suju dorms and Kyuhyun is pressed right up against his side, resting his head of fluffy brown hair on Siwon's shoulder. It's bliss. Warm, Kyuhyun-y bliss.

They're coming to the end of the movie, when Siwon can't resist anymore. Slowly, he leans down and tenderly kisses the top of Kyuhyun's head, thinking he's fallen asleep. Man, is he wrong.

Again, Kyuhyun tenses up, and for a solid breathless moment, neither moves. Then, Kyuhyun is pulling away from Siwon and getting off the couch, mumbling some excuse about using the restroom. The other members are yelling as Kyuhyun walks in front of the TV at the of the movie, buildings exploding and crumbling everywhere, a perfect scene to represent the current state of Siwon's heart.

For the rest of the night, Kyuhyun avoids Siwon, choosing to drape himself over whichever member is farthest from Siwon at the time. Siwon catches Leeteuk exchanging a glance with Kyuhyun, and he wonders if he's missed something.

Needless to say, it's the worst birthday ever.

But Siwon isn't one to give up. He thinks that maybe Kyuhyun just isn't used to the attention. He decides that must be it (and ignores all other- more painful- possibilities). From then on, Siwon decides to take the offensive in order to woo the love of his life. He compliments Kyuhyun more, gives him more gifts, and takes him out for dinner more. It doesn't work.

Kyuhyun begins shying away from his touches and laughing (not in the good way) at his compliments. When Siwon gives Kyuhyun a pair of sunglasses he'd thought would look cute on him, he finds them a day later being worn by Eunhyuk. And after the first few times, when Kyuhyun realized that Donghae and Ryeowook weren't coming not because they'd suddenly cancelled but because they hadn't actually been invited, he stopped going out for dinner with Siwon, too. Siwon begins to feel that it's hopeless.

Depressed and moping, Siwon goes to Leeteuk. 

"Hyung, there's someone I love, but they won't respond to the things I do for them."

Leeteuk gives him a long, hard look, and again, Siwon gets the feeling that the leader might know something.

Finally, he says, "Do they know you love them?"

Siwon thinks for a moment. "Well, I'm not exactly being subtle..."

Leeteuk huffs, amused. "Siwon, nothing about you is subtle. This person probably thinks you're just being your normal self. I'd say the best way to make them know is by telling them directly that you love them."

Siwon is scared, but he knows Leeteuk is probably right. Kyuhyun is adorably thick in that way, too, so maybe he won't understand until something is said.

And that's when everything begins to go wrong.

Siwon waits until they're all alone, for once, some members having schedules, others out shopping. Kyuhyun, of course, elected to stay home and play StarCraft, and Siwon is sure that he doesn't yet realize they're the only two members left. He's going to change that.

"Kyuhyun-ah, do you want beef ramyun or shrimp?" he shouts from the kitchen. He hears a muffled noise from Kyuhyun's room. "What was that??" he tries again.

"Beef!" comes the answer, and Siwon is sure Kyuhyun is still cluelessly immersed in his game. Cute.

Siwon busies himself with making the food, and when it's done, he mentally prepares himself before entering Kyuhyun's room.

Kyuhyun is crouched over his laptop, as per usual, not even sparing a glance to whomever is opening his door right now. It is only when he looks up to take the bowl of ramyun and give a cursory thanks that he sees who exactly is giving him food, and Siwon sees the flinch course through Kyuhyun's whole body before he takes the bowl with shaky hands, accidentally spilling some on himself in his rush to move away from Siwon.

"Ah- !" Kyuhun curses as the hot soup scalds him. Siwon immediately sets his own bowl down and takes out the towel he'd used to carry them, dabbing at Kyuhyun's shirt. After a moment of stunned silence, Kyuhyun's hands begin frantically grabbing at Siwon's, trying to still him.

"Hyung, I'm fine, I'm fine." 

"No, you're not, it burned you. Take your shirt off."

"Wh-what?!" Kyuhyun is blushing, and Siwon dimly registers the reaction as cute, but right now the most pressing matter is making sure Kyuhyun is okay.

"You need to take your shirt off so I can check the burn." He begins pulling at Kyuhyun's shirt.

"Hyung- no!" And Siwon hears the overwhelming panic in Kyuhyun's voice, he feels the hands desperately pushing his own away, and he finally sees the tears that are threatening to spill from his precious dongsaeng's eyes. Why?

Siwon feels rather than hears his own voice coming shakily out from his throat. "Why, Kyuhyun-ah?" Kyuhyun looks away. "Why are you avoiding me?" Still no answer. "Is it something I did? Did I hurt you in some way?"

Kyuhyun's lips open, as if he is about to speak, but then he closes them again. The hesitation is clear. Siwon's heart is breaking.

"What did I do?"

"... Nothing, hyung. You did nothing. I'm sorry, I- I'm just being stupid. It's fine."

"No, tell me. I need to know what's wrong." By now, Siwon is clenching Kyuhyun's hands in his, backing him right up to the wall with his proximity.

"No! Hyung, just stop. It's okay." Kyuhyun is still refusing to look at him, and Siwon knows it's not okay.

"Kyuhyun, you know you can trust me, right? I love you." And there it is. Siwon hadn't meant to say it, but now that it's out, he doesn't regret it. 

Except that he does, because now Kyuhyun is openly crying, sobbing even, and Siwon has no idea what he's done now.

"Kyuhyun, wh-" Kyuhyun is struggling, trying to free his hands from Siwon's, trying to get away from Siwon. It hurts, so much, to see Kyuhyun in this much pain. "Kyuhyun, please," Siwon begs.

"You!" Kyuhyun shouts, pushing at Siwon helplessly, tears running down his cheeks, "It's all your fault! I-if only you didn't say those kinds of things, making people misunderstand, making me misunderstand! Do you know how hard it is for me to take your touching all day? To feel like I'm the person y-you want to be with?" Kyuhyun is screaming by now, voice taken over by sobs. "I know you don't mean it that way, but I can't take it any more! So, please, just leave me alone!"

And Kyuhyun finally garners enough strength to push the stunned Siwon away. He is nearly out the door before Siwon makes sense of his words and catches his hand. Kyuhyun immediately tries to wrench away.

"Wait, Kyuhyun, please," he begs, and that's enough for Kyuhyun to pause, if only for a bit. "I need to know. Do you- do you have feelings for me?" And Siwon's heart is yearning to hear the answer, pleading to hear it. Kyuhyun is still not answering, and so Siwon takes both his shoulders in his hands and says again, "Kyuhyun-ah."

"... yes." The answer is whispered, a waver more than a sound, but still, Siwon's heart leaps with joy, and he leans forward to kiss Kyuhyun. Their lips meet, and it's blissful, soft, warmth that greets Siwon, and Siwon thinks he could die and go to heaven right now. 

Except Kyuhyun, as always, has other plans, and punches Siwon right in his handsome face. And he hits hard.

By the time Siwon is able to make sense of his surroundings again, Kyuhyun is long gone.

Kyuhyun doesn't come back to the dorm that night, and Leeteuk tells Siwon that he's staying at DBSK's dorms. Before Siwon can even take one step toward the door, however, Leeteuk stops him.

"Siwon, I know you want to go to him but, right now, he's not- he won't listen to you right now, okay? Just give him some time to think through some things."

And Siwon sees that Leeteuk knows- knows everything, probably. 

"Hyung, I need to explain, I don't think he understands-"

"How long have you known? About your feelings," Leeteuk interrupts.

"H-how, what?"

"How long have you known," Leeteuk repeats.

"One month," Siwon says, confused.

"Well, he's known for five years, okay? You've made him wait for five years, so just give him some time to himself now. I don't think he knows you're serious about this yet." 

Five years? Five years... Siwon's mind is racing with this new information. Kyuhyun has loved me for this long, and I never realized... How stupid can I be?? This news makes Siwon feel even worse, and then his heart thuds painfully as he realizes, Just how much pain has Kyuhyun been in this whole time?

As though he can feel Siwon's inner turmoil, Leeteuk pats him on the back and says, "Siwon, why don't you get some sleep? You won't do you or Kyuhyun any good just standing here worrying." Siwon allows himself to be led to his bed and sits, but makes no move to lie down.

Leeteuk gives a small, worried sigh, and says, "Siwon? Do you want to talk about it?"

Siwon shakes his head. "No, hyung, I think... I think I also need some time alone."

Leeteuk nods in understanding and touches him on the shoulder once more before leaving.

Alone, Siwon does nothing but think. He thinks about Kyuhyun's crying face, wonders if he's really loved him for five years, wonders if he'll still love him after this. Siwon thinks about Leeteuk and how he found out, who else knows, and how blind he was. Siwon wonders if it was obvious, or if Kyuhyun just hid it really well. Siwon wonders why he ran. Mostly Siwon feels miserable and helpless, like he wants to claw his heart out of his chest, but then he berates himself when he realizes this was how Kyuhyun had been feeling for the past five years. 

In the end, Siwon doesn't get much sleep, and when he gets up the next morning and goes to the bathroom, he's greeted by the sight of a huge bruise blossoming over his cheek. He winces. They have a schedule today.

Leeteuk takes one look at his face and says, "Wow. Ok, I think you were wrong, but not that wrong. Man, can Kyuhyun hit." He's already pulling Siwon back to the bathroom to cover it up with concealer.

Donghae pops up and says, "What did you mean wrong? Why did Kyuhyun punch Siwon?" Well, at least Siwon now knows only Leeteuk is aware of the situation.

Leeteuk pushes Donghae away and says, "None of your business. Go see if Ryeowook needs help with breakfast."

Donghae pouts but slinks away nonetheless.

Leeteuk pats the cream on Siwon's cheek with surprising force and Siwon winces with pain.

"I guess you haven't forgiven me yet either, have you?" Siwon asks sheepishly.

"Damn right, I haven't." Leeteuk's mouth is set into a thin line, which is how Siwon knows he's pretty upset. But then Leeteuk looks into his eyes and says, "But I'm glad you two feel the same way. At least this will make things easier to fix." Finally, Siwon sees a glimmer of hope in his bleak situation.

When they arrive at the broadcasting station, Kyuhyun is already there. He's slumped on the couch, head on the armrest, arms wrapped around himself as though they are the only protection he has. His eyes are puffy from crying and his skin is blotchy. He looks just as terrible as Siwon feels, and Siwon just wants to go over and comfort him, wrap him in his arms and never let go, but as soon as he starts walking toward Kyuhyun, Leeteuk intercepts him and goes to him instead. Siwon feels slighted, but understands that this is Leeteuk's way of telling him to wait. The two briefly talk in hushed tones before heading to the dressing rooms. Siwon, worried, follows.

No matter how long Siwon stares at Kyuhyun, tries to catch his eye, Kyuhyun won't look. He is being blatantly ignored.

Even during the broadcast, Kyuhyun doesn't spare a single glance toward Siwon, even when he is talking, choosing instead to focus on some point on the ground. Kyuhyun's own comments are listless and lack their usual sardonic flare. Siwon can't wait for this to be over so he can finally talk to Kyuhyun and clear this whole thing up.

But Kyuhyun doesn't wait for the other members before leaving the building, and Siwon just barely catches him outside.

"Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun wait!" He doesn't, and instead walks faster. Siwon reaches out and grabs his arm, stopping him. "Kyuhyun, please."

Kyuhyun turns halfway but doesn't look at him, and says, "What do you want?" Siwon feels how tense he is, how cold he is, and wants nothing more than to return the way the way they were before- warm, happy, relaxed. Except no, 'before' meant neither knowing the other's feelings, and Siwon wants to fix just that.

"I.. I meant what I said, you know. I love you." He feels Kyuhyun's arm tense. "And I'm sorry I kissed you. I never meant to hurt you. Please, Kyuhyun-ah, believe me."

He sees Kyuhyun's fist clench tight, tight enough that Siwon knows there will be tiny half-moons carved into Kyuhyun's skin for at least the next day. He runs a hand over Kyuhyun's fist, willing it to relax. 

"Please don't punch me again."

Kyuhyun barks out a short, wry laugh. But it works. Slowly, slowly, he lets his fist uncurl. 

"I'm sorry I hit you. I didn't mean to," Kyuhyun apologizes, looking up at Siwon through his eyelashes, still unwilling to gaze upon him head-on. 

And then he is gone. He's pulled away from Siwon's grasp and is walking toward the vans that will take them home. By the time Siwon is cognizant enough to move, the vehicle that holds Kyuhyun is already full. Siwon spends the rest of the ride back to dorms looking toward the van in front, staring at the back of Kyuhyun's head. 

After that, things go back to normal. Sort of. 

Kyuhyun stops avoiding him, holds conversations with him, and sits next to him. He even goes out to lunch with Siwon one day even when he knows that all the other members are busy.

Yet, something still isn't quite right. 

Though Kyuhyun talks and jokes as normal, there are moments when Siwon catches him staring from across the room, contemplating something with those enigmatic eyes. When he sees Siwon has noticed, he always turns away, catching the flow of whatever conversation he's a part of with graceful ease. 

And when they touch- always, now, just a simple hand on the shoulder or a brush of the thighs where before it had been a hug or caress- Kyuhyun will tense for the briefest of moments before moving away, disguising his discomfort as a casual leaning away or crossing of his legs. 

Never before has Siwon felt so, so far away from Kyuhyun. 

And it hurts. 

Siwon begins spending more and more time in his room, and less and less time with the other members. He can't stand the way Kyuhyun is so close, and yet so far, and mostly he can't stand the way he feels like nothing in Kyuhyun's eyes. 

The other members notice, of course, and ask what's wrong, but all Siwon can do is shake his head and pass it off as tiredness. In reality, he's just as confused as they are. Hadn't he told Kyuhyun he loved him? Was his love not enough? Didn't Kyuhyun feel the same way?

Siwon has his head in his hands late one night, contemplating yet again as he is unable to sleep. He hears a knock on the door.

"... Yes?" he says wearily. 

Leeteuk peeks in. "Still up?"

Siwon sighs. "Yeah, come in." He moves to the side of the bed so Leeteuk can sit.

For a while, they sit in silence, each in their own thoughts. Finally, Siwon can take it no longer and says, "What did I do wrong? I told him how I feel, but..." He rakes his hands through his hair, feeling tears begin to prick at his eyes. He clenches them tightly, willing them to go away. Remember, Kyuhyun has felt far worse pain than I have.

Leeteuk considers his question. "You may have told him your feelings, Siwon, but do you think he really sees your true intent? Do you think he understands how deeply you feel? 'Cause, to be honest, you kissing him was probably like a slap in the face to his feelings. How can he know if your love is what he hopes for or if it's the same as what you feel for the other members?"

Siwon is stunned as realization slams into his body. 

He considers the leader's words for a long time. Long after Leeteuk leaves, patting him on the shoulder with a heavy sigh and the reassurance that no matter what he does, it will be okay. 

Siwon thinks. And thinks, and thinks, and thinks. 

He needs to show Kyuhyun his feelings in a way that he's never shown him before. Obviously, somehow, his previous attempts had been lost in translation somewhere in the labrynthine twists of Kyuhyun's beautiful mind. 

He needs to show Kyuhyun in a way that is so obvious that it can't be denied. He begins to plot.

Finally, only when Siwon has the perfect plan, does he begin to set things in motion.

First, he books a trip to Jeju Island on his and Kyuhyun's off days. Then, he writes. He writes and re-writes, until his hand is cramped and he has accumulated five pages of pure, unadulterated feelings.

Five pages.

One page for every year Kyuhyun has spent hurting. 

Next, he rehearses. He practices what he'll say and when he'll say it, so that everything will fall perfectly into place and he can't possibly mess up as has happened so many times before. He rehearses his words so much so that he begins to dream them. (He tries to not to ruminate too hard on the fact that most of his dreams end with Kyuhyun running away from him, crying.)

Then comes the hardest part, which is to convince Kyuhyun to actually spend substantial time with him.

After much convincing and cajoling (he just happened to get these tickets, and both he and Kyuhyun just so happen to be free, so why not? It'll be relaxing, it'll be fun, please Kyuhyun-ah), Kyuhyun agrees. Somehow. Siwon suspects Leeteuk might have had something to do with it.

Finally, the day comes when the trip actually happens, and never before has Siwon been this nervous, this terrified of what is to come. Not even during their first ever Super Show was he this nervous (and that time had been prefaced by months of horrifying nightmares). 

They land on Jeju Island. They go to the hotel and settle in. Everything is normal. Too normal.

As Kyuhyun languidly spread out on his bed, showing no inclination of moving, Siwon springs the first part of his rehearsed speech. "Wow, the weather's so nice... It'd be really nice to go for a walk right now, right Kyuhyun?" He gives his best cheerful, energetic, I'd-really-like-to-go-out smile. 

Kyuhyun makes a noncommittal sound. "I guess, I'm kind of tired though," he says, swiping on his phone. 

"Oh, come on Kyuhyun, we're only here for a few days," Siwon tries, "Let's make the most of it!"

Kyuhyun looks up, sees the ridiculous face Siwon is making, and laughs. "Alright, fine. Let's go." 

Siwon internally cheers.

He leads them through the hotel gardens, winding a casual pathway along the beach shore so as not to get to his intended destination too early. As they walk, the pair converses as usual, commenting about a crab they see burrowing in the sand, or why they think Eunhyuk was doing that thing that one day. Siwon tries not to get too lost in how this brings him back to another beachside walk, not so long ago, and hopes that today's walk won't end the same way. 

Finally, just as the sun begins to set, throwing dazzling pink and purple hues across the sky and lighting Kyuhyun's hair and eyes aflame, they reach it. The place. The sandy dune where a piece of Siwon's heart had been chipped away by the very man standing in front of him. He clears his throat.

"Kyuhyun-ah..."

Kyuhyun turns to look at him, question in his eyes.

"I need to tell you something. But... it turns out that I'm not that great at saying it, so I wanted to show it to you. In a letter." With trembling hands, he removes the carefully folded letter from his back pocket and hands it to Kyuhyun. 

Still confused, and now a bit apprehensive, Kyuhyun takes the piece of paper and begins to unfold it. 

"Siwon, what is this?"

"It's my feelings," Siwon says, holding Kyuhyun's gaze. He wills himself not to run. "Please read it."

Kyuhyun now looks even more weary, and possibly like he would like to run away himself. Yet, he decides to do as Siwon asks and begins reading.

Dear Kyu,

This beach is where I first realized that I loved you, exactly three months and one day ago...

Kyuhyun looks up, brow furrowed. "Siwon..."

"Please, Kyuhyun-ah, read it all first and then we'll talk."

Kyuhyun nods, biting his lip nervously.

... I thought it would be fitting to come here, to the place I realized, in order to have you realize as well how I feel. To be honest, I had no idea what you were talking about at that time. I only know that I loved hearing the smooth sounds of your voice mixed with the low whoosh of the waves. I know that I adored seeing the pale alabaster of your skin lit aflame by the setting sun. I know that I wanted to hear the sound of your glorious laugh in my ears until the end of time, until my heart stops.

Above all, I knew that I loved you, more than I have ever loved anything before, and more than I will ever love anything again... 

Kyuhyun begins to cry, salty water rolling down his cheeks and toward his chin. Siwon fights to keep himself from reaching out and brushing them away.

... When I saw your dark curls blowing around in the wind and into your face, I knew that I wanted to protect you for the rest of my life. I knew that I would sacrifice myself in any way for you, if need be, as long as it would keep you safe. And so I told you how I felt, because the words were bursting out of my lungs, out of my heart, out of every fiber of my being. I love you. You are beautiful to me.

I had no idea how much I would hurt you. In my newfound love, I was hasty, unbound, and I tore through you like a knife through paper. I am sorry. I cannot imagine what it has been like for you these past five years. Loving, but not in love. Wanting, but not able to have. All I know is that you are a much stronger person than I, for I am barely able to go even 3 months and 1 day without you, Kyuhyun-ah. How did you do it?...

Kyuhyun sinks down into the sand, legs trembling. 

... Kyuhyun-ah. Beautiful Kyuhyun. Witty Kyuhyun. Impish Kyuhyun. Sweet, dear Kyuhyun. Will you ever be able to forgive me?...

Kyuhyun looks up at Siwon, who stands tentatively before him, fingers tightened into clammy fists.

"... No," he whispers.

Siwon's stomach drops. His vision goes black for a moment, and he sways unsteadily on his feet. 

The rest of the five-page letter goes unread as Kyuhyun rises to his feet, graceful as ever, and approaches Siwon. "There's nothing to forgive," he says. In an instant, Siwon's entire mood changes once more, pulled harshly back from the edge by this gorgeous, dazzling man, this fickle puppeteer.

Kyuhyun reaches up and cups a soft palm around the back of Siwon's neck. Then he pulls Siwon down, down, down. So far down that Siwon wonders if he is actually kissing the love of his life or if he is falling to the core of the earth. He smothers Kyuhyun in a heavy embrace, relieved, elated, in love. 

"Thank you," he whispers fiercely. "I love you. Forever."

Kyuhyun is still, and for a terrible moment Siwon wonders if he has somehow miraculously read this all completely wrong yet again, until Kyuhyun reaches up to clutch tightly at the shirt on his back.

"I love you, too." 

Forever.

When they return to the dorm a few days later, Leeteuk takes in the arm draped around Kyuhyun's waist, the not-quite-covered hickey at the base of Siwon's collar, and the way the two of them give each other a glance that speaks a million words. He smiles.

A/N: I actually wrote this over the course of several years, because I just love a nice, slow burn. I hope you enjoyed!