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“So...can I stay here for a night? Or...two?”

Kyuhyun sighs after ending his unclear mumbles that were supposed to contain a sensible background story for his request.

The hallway echoes of quietness after his words have finally stopped. It is dark and cold, and warmth is peeking out through the open door of Donghae’s home. It looks warm inside: warm, comfortable and it smells like homemade food.

“Please?”

Kyuhyun grins, twisting his mouth to a pathetic, begging smile.

“I promise I’d be gone by Christmas. Please…”

He raises his hand lightly, pointing at the small back bag that contains his most necessary belongings. For a couple of nights. Only for a couple of nights. Nothing more.

Donghae sighs loudly, smiling confusedly at the man in his doorway. By this point they both know he is going to say yes. He opens the door slowly, like pretending he would still be in huge doubt, biting his lip while turning quiet for a brief while. Kyuhyun can see exactly what is going on in Donghae’s mind. Why would Kyuhyun ask him, out of all the people? Kyuhyun knew everyone. Kyuhyun was friends with everyone. Why pick Donghae just now? Why now, all of a sudden? Why just two days before Christmas?

Kyuhyun bites his lip. He knows this is much to ask but he also knows he won’t be turned down.

Another moment of eye contact between the two, and Donghae surrenders with a warm sigh and kicks the door properly open with his heel, smiling while welcoming Kyuhyun in, despite everything.

Kyuhyun walks into the house like it’d been his home and sits down on the sofa, eyeing around the Christmas lights, candles and pretty things Donghae seems to have set up with care to decorate his living room. A soft smell of spicy roast flies around the rooms - it seems like Donghae had been cooking before becoming interrupted by a lonely maknae on his door.

The smell reminds Kyuhyun of how hungry he is. It must’ve been hours since he last ate. It must’ve been before he paced out of his own house after packing his belongings with a miraculous speed - it must’ve been actually on the evening before. It must’ve been the beer and snacks he had at Changmin’s place before they conked out on the sofa. He didn’t even realise he was this hungry - he had other things to worry about.

When hearing steps approaching the living room, Kyuhyun sets out an eager smile and gets ready to offer himself to taste whatever Donghae has been cooking, but is turned down when realising Donghae is talking to his phone. Donghae peaks from the door, cringes, raising his finger like to indicate “just a minute”. Kyuhyun nods.

The soft, babbling tone in Donghae’s voice while he disappears back in the kitchen reveals everything. There’s only one person in this world to whom the man would babble like that. Kyuhyun smiles awkwardly and pretends to be staring out of the window to the city lights. He cannot avoid - as much as he tries not to eavesdrop on the phone conversation echoing from the kitchen - from making a mental note of how much Donghae has matured in his newest relationship. Gone is the restless kid pretending to approach his thirties - the man speaking up now is a responsible adult making Christmas arrangements with his beloved one.

Suddenly Kyuhyun hears his name being mentioned and focuses on listening to the words that Donghae states out in a lower tone.

“...yeah...Kyuhyun came here...yeah, just - no, it’s fine, he’ll take the sofa - oh, why? I think it’s because, you know...Eunhyuk.”

Donghae says the name quickly, the tone of his voice implying everything Kyuhyun feels so sorry for it to imply. Is it that obvious?

Kyuhyun gulps and goes through the other options in his head once more. Parents...Too late. Should’ve told them earlier. They’ve already booked their flights. Sister...She has her own family. Her kids don’t want a lonely uncle popping up as a Christmas gift. The Christmas time is the most problematic time of the year. Kyuhyun doesn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Friends...No, it should be a very, very intimate friend…

Changmin…Out of the question right now.

Kyuhyun sighs and crosses his legs. He is much, much more bitter than he likes to see himself as. This was expected but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Of course things turned out like this. He knew things were turning out like this. Everyone around seemed to know it. Even Donghae seemed to know it. What was he even expecting? Was he seriously -

“Would you like to taste this?”

The innocent question flown from the doorway dumbfounds Kyuhyun. Donghae is smiling, bringing Kyuhyun unexpectedly a full, steaming hot plateful of something delicious.

“Y-yea…”

“It’s Christmas casserole. I mean, of course, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t like. I’m not sure if it’s any good. I made it for Sehun, so it doesn’t have any vegetables or much anything but - “

Donghae starts explaining hastily, pointing all around the dish like he’d been suddenly extremely unsure of his cooking skills. Kyuhyun sighs happily and grabs the plate with both hands. He gives Donghae a meaningful glance. His hyung should know he wasn’t too picky when it comes to food.

They spend the night quietly. After two platefuls of casserole, one late TV quiz and another phone call Donghae murmurs something about an early schedule and taps Kyuhyun’s shoulder after giving him a blanket and a pillow. He doesn’t seem to be in need of further explanations - and that’s exactly the reason Kyuhyun came here in the first place. Donghae would always help and he wouldn’t feel an irresistible need to know why. He wouldn’t make things complicated, he wouldn’t try too much. He was simply the best.

“Good night, Kyu.”

Donghae sighs warmly, throwing the man with the rest of the pillows he can find from the sofas. He murmurs something about cleaning while switching off the lights from the hallways, asking Kyuhyun several times whether he still needs something.

“I’m fine, Donghae.”

“Are you sure?”

Kyuhyun nods one more time, strongly.

The door closes behind Donghae’s dark figure, and gloomy darkness lands into the room. The Christmas lights are gone, and the only light comes from the endless city lights peeking in from the corners of the curtains. There is a little click and Kyuhyun knows Donghae has turned off his lights in his room and started to sleep.

Waiting for another breath, Kyuhyun takes his phone from inside his bag. He haven’t checked it in hours and for a reason.

No new messages.

The phone slides back inside the bag.

Kyuhyun closes his eyes and lies his head on the pillow. It is soft and warm, just like the blanket: everything in Donghae’s flat is always warm. Everything feels warm, tastes warm, smells warm. A perfect place to come with a broken heart.

The window glass started shaking, vibrating as the door was banged close so vigorously. Kyuhyun fixed his eyes on it for a moment like to make sure it really wasn’t breaking. He was still wearing his coat, still wearing his shoes that were dripping of water from the outside rain.

Before he could unfix his eyes from the glass, the door was opened just as vigorously. Eunhyuk’s eyes were glowing like two bonfires, matching the colour of his red jumper. He was still holding a half-peeled carrot in his hands: when Kyuhyun came back to the dorm, he had been making breakfast.

“This doesn’t work like that, Kyuhyun. I’m not in this game. I never signed in to this kind of a game.”

Kyuhyun glances at the carrot, at the rice bowls, at the melons and grapes and bread and other food that is messily laid on the tables, ready to be served. He gulps and leans his head against the wall in exhaustion, slowly realising where this would be going.

“I know you’re trying to come up with something clever to say, to turn this somehow against me again. You’re good at making me look bad. Whatever you do, the fault is in me, I’m the one who should change and I’m seeing things and making things up and - “

Kyuhyun glanced at Eunhyuk, trying to see the person behind those words. Was this the one he truly loved? Was this the one? Was he really - seriously - going through this all for the sake of this person?  Was he really enduring these same events repeating one another, each of them looking more like the previous one, again and again?

Eunhyuk stopped frustratedly, kicking his leg up and down like he’d been about to start a fit like a five year old. Their eyes met, and Kyuhyun sighed. He was trying to think of good words that wouldn’t let space for misunderstandings of any kind; the kind of words that would not repeat everything he had already said during the past half an hour.  He stood up straight, gulping one more time before saying the words out softly.

“Eunhyuk. Listen to me.”

“Yes. Say it. Say those clever words that - “

“No - really. Listen to me. Stop to think what I’m saying. Don’t start shouting, just think.”

“Go on.”

“Don’t take me wrong, but - “

“Yes?”

“Have you ever thought that maybe - “

“What?”

“ - just maybe -”

Kyuhyun became quiet, swallowing his words. He wasn’t sure was this really even worth trying. Eunhyuk was nodding impatiently, biting his teeth against each other tightly. They were both on the edge of tears.

“ - the fault actually is in you.”

The door banged close. The poor window - Kyuhyun swore - was not but an inch away from breaking.

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