Title: Finding Our Light (1/2)

Pairing: Kaisoo

Word length: 1515 words/?

Hope doesn’t seem to exist in Jongin’s dictionary anymore.

He takes in a deep breath before letting it out slowly, trembling as he stares at the man lying on the bed in front of him.

His eyes are shut, soft lashes falling across them. They have not seen any light since that fateful day. Jongin misses those days when he would accidentally meet the gaze of round, doe-like eyes, staring into those dark brown orbs before he broke out into a shy grin and the older boy would avert his gaze, a pale shade of crimson colouring his snow-like cheeks.

He rubs endless circles into the boy’s palm, imprinting silent prayers and countless longings. He wishes for any movement, be it a twitch of a finger or a wiggle of a toe. Jongin wishes and wishes, but every time he opens his eyes he is greeted by the still and almost lifeless body of his boyfriend.

“Kyungsoo, wake up, I miss you,” Jongin whispers against his ear before sealing a soft kiss on it.

He remembers whispering against the same ear a year ago - words of confession while praying that Kyungsoo will say yes.

As if it was a miracle, he actually said yes, tears pouring from his eyes. Jongin remembers crashing into his arms and wrapping his strong arms around the other’s petite waist, burying his head into his shoulder. He will never forget the surge of bliss rushing through his veins, the feeling of wanting to hold the older man in his arms forever.

His tanned fingers wrap around thin, bone-like ones, squeezing them gently, as if he was afraid they would shatter if he exerted a little more force.

The memories replay in his mind. Memories of them hand in hand while walking down streets, amusement parks, beaches – they went to many places and visited various countries together.

It would always be Jongin dragging Kyungsoo around excitedly while pointing at various objects. Whenever Jongin turned around, he would always be greeted by the same twinkling eyes and heart-stopping smile.

“You’re really enjoying yourself, huh?” Kyungsoo would ask Jongin, the corner of his lips curling upwards.

“Kyungsoo, wake up, I miss your voice,” Jongin shakes Kyungsoo’s arm gently before letting his own arm fall limply to the side. His eyes lay upon the various tubes attached to his boyfriend’s arms and tears start blurring his vision. He can only imagine how painful it is to have so many tubes stuck in one's arms.

However, without those tubes, Jongin would not be able to watch the rising and falling of Kyungsoo’s chest. He presses his head against it and listens to the erratic beating of Kyungsoo's heart. He feels his own heart sink.

Kyungsoo is alive, but for how long? How long will it take for the doctors to give up on him and for Jongin to let go?

Apparently, it isn’t too long as two weeks later, the doctors bring a mentally and physically weary Jongin out of the hospital room and break the news to him in hushed voices, as if Kyungsoo can actually hear them in his comatose state.

As the doctors leave with bowed heads, Jongin slowly falls onto a bench, covering his mouth with one hand while letting out a muffled sob. The world spins around him as he processes the doctors’ words.

With just a sentence, all of Jongin’s wishes for a better future with Kyungsoo are torn apart.

With just a sentence, Jongin feels his heart crumbling into tiny fragments, too tiny for him to pick them up and piece them back together.

 “I’m sorry to inform you Mr. Kim, but it seems that Mr. Do is showing no signs of recovery despite months of treatment.”

“I know that, I know that,” Jongin ruffles his hair in exasperation.

“We advise taking him off life support.”

With just a sentence, Jongin has to say goodbye to his favourite person in the world too soon.

He cannot bear to do so.

Kyungsoo’s parents have already agreed on it, saying that there was no point in fighting for Kyungsoo’s life if he was never going to wake up. They said Kyungsoo would want the same too.

He trudges into the room hours later and sits next to Kyungsoo again. He takes his boyfriend’s hand and plants a kiss on it. He bites his lips to ensure that no more tears can escape his already red and swollen eyes.

“I’m sorry Soo, I’m sorry that we have to let you go. I’m sorry I can’t hold your hand and tell you that everything will be okay anymore.”

Jongin looks down and feels himself choking on tears that he promised himself not to shed. He traces his finger against Kyungsoo’s icy cold face, trying to remember every single detail about him. His hands cup his sunken cheeks.

"See you again, hyung."

The weather has already turned into a bone-chilling cold when Jongin steps out of the hospital in what feels like forever. Jongin takes out his cellphone and checks the date. It’s already been five months since Kyungsoo got hit by a drunk driver.

No wonder the doctors want to give up, Jongin thinks and lets a bitter smile creep onto his face.

It’s also 24 December, two years since he first saw Kyungsoo across the room of a Christmas party.

He walks aimlessly on the streets, digging his hands into the pockets of his trench coat and letting out quiet sighs. Roads are adorned with Christmas decorations. Choirs are singing carols down the streets. Families are doing last minute Christmas shopping. The atmosphere is bright and cheerful, almost sickening for Jongin. He feels everything but bright and cheerful.

Jongin stops in front of a jewellery shop and he smiles as he thinks about Kyungsoo once dragging him into it and admiring the different pieces in the shop. Kyungsoo loves jewellery. He would comment about how the diamonds would look perfect against his pale skin. Jongin had entered the shop five months ago and was about to buy a ring when he received a call from the hospital.

He finds himself entering the shop again and leaving with a black velvet box in his pocket.

The next morning, Jongin pushes the heavy metal door and is greeted by the same scene he has been seeing for the past five months. However there is a bounce in his steps as he makes his way towards the bed in the middle of the room.

Jongin takes a seat and smoothens out his sweater, a nervous smile spread across his face. He takes out the small mistletoe he brought along with him and droops it over Kyungsoo and him before swooping down and kissing his boyfriend.

“Merry Christmas Kyungsoo,” Jongin says. He gazes out of the window and sees snow piling on the roads outside.

“I wish you could see the snow with me. It’s your favourite kind of weather, right?”

He takes out the box from his pocket and fiddles with it, his words getting tied up.

“Remember how we met two years ago? We were at Chanyeol’s party and I got so drunk that I threw up all over you. You, who was my crush ever since I laid my eyes upon you.”

Jongin remembers how he just lurched on the nearest object, which turned out to be Kyungsoo, chuckling at the thought of it.

“When you told me you liked me too, I felt like the luckiest person alive and I know this sounds cheesy, but I could feel my heart bursting with joy. That’s how happy you make me feel, Kyungsoo.”

Jongin slowly opens the box, revealing a shiny ring in the middle of it. There’s a small, sparkling diamond sitting at the top of the band, nothing fancy at all, but Kyungsoo had picked it among all the rings in the shop.

“We’ve come such a long way Kyungsoo. We’ve gone through so much these past two years, everything from good to bad to downright ridiculous. I love you so much Kyungsoo. Thank you for loving me too.”

Jongin carefully takes out the ring, feeling the cold metal against his fingers.

“Marry me.”

He slips the ring into Kyungsoo’s ring finger and stares at it for one, two seconds before he lets himself be engulfed by how bittersweet the situation is.

He proposed to a dying man, his dying boyfriend to be exact, and Jongin can’t help but start sobbing into his palms.

He stares at the diamond glistening brightly against Kyungsoo’s thin finger and sobs harder, the tears fogging up his glasses and there’s a throbbing ache in his head.

Jongin thinks he cried so hard that he’s starting to hallucinate, for he notices that Kyungsoo’s ring finger is twitching not once, not twice, but repeatedly and Jongin almost lets out a scream.

He presses the nurse call button repeatedly, frantically, his mind in a frenzy as he tries to comprehend the situation.

Kyungsoo’s finger moved.

Kyungsoo is not going to die.

Kyungsoo might finally wake up.