The Only Chapter
Beautiful & Ugly‘I hope your voice cracks”
He said it quietly but the bitterness and the need to hurt him was there. Not physically, he would never dare lay a hand on anyone. But he wanted to cut him, make him feel what he feels whenever someone mentions those four words at him. He knows what he looks like, he didn’t need people to joke about it like it was something he was okay with.
He wasn’t.
He doesn’t think he’ll ever be.
But there are days where he completely forgets the bitterness that comes from thinking of his face, where he is happy and comfortable and people are talking, hugging him, pinching his cheeks in defence for his own attempt at ‘being cute’. On those days is when he forgets that he is not okay, where he forgets what self-love entails. And hearing it come from his own member was like a punch in a gut.
He knows that they all thought those four lettered words at some point when they first met him, but he knows that they would never utter it in front of him, out of love or respect or just plain pity he didn’t know. But the members knew that he wasn’t okay with how easily the word ‘ugly’ can be flung to his face.
And for the word to come out in a joking manner from the most ‘handsome’ of the group made him want to hurt the eldest in the same way. And he couldn’t take it. His chest constricting with the need to breath, his throat clogged in an attempt to scream- he hates it. He wasn’t going to cry, it wasn’t that type of pain and yet he just wanted people to understand. But he pushed it down, the need to shout and instead ran from the room.
Jiyong is perceptive. Any details that can be known will be known. As a leader and as a fashionista, as a performer and a composer, it was his job to assess the details; take in the situation, mix n match whatever he could to make a perfect end result. But he wasn’t a robot, no, he was too emotional when he is fired up, whenever he is angry or happy. His emotions is what makes him do what he does best - make others feel connected.
But today, today he was lost. He heard everything, of course he did. But he didn’t know what to say. Harsh words to his childhood friend, express his disappointment?
But was he?
He wasn’t angry, he was strangely apathetic to the situation because they have all thought it in their own minds. He knew it was a joke, but when he saw the tears welling up on the always smiling face, a strange surge of emotion rushed through his body.
Tears always had that effect on him. Especially on someone who hardly shows it.
Daesung saw a shadow loom over him over the green layered ground. He didn’t pay it any attention; he could tell just from the perfume alone who exactly it was but that didn’t stop him from peeking over his shoulder just in case before stubbornly staring back to the ground.
He heard a sigh before the leader sat next to him with a loud thump, his legs positioned in front of him as he laid back on his hands, seemingly watching the sky but peeking occasionally at the younger.
They both watched the birds in the grey sky, seemingly okay with the silence. Green grass pulled into strands by nimble fingers before the man emitted a long suffering sigh,
“Dae-”
“I get it!” Daesung mumbled, cutting him off before he could feel guilty,
“Get what?”, Jiyong tutted at him, a rueful smile on his face as he watched an eyebrow tick at his words. “That he didn’t mean it?”
“That he didn’t mean it! That it was a joke…” the younger trailed off, looking determinedly onto the ground.
“You don’t seem to believe it?”
Deasung had nothing to say to that, it was true.
“Dae, you’re not ugly”, Jiyong said softly before moving closer to him, his small hands cupping his cheek before his eyes went hard, “But keep on believing it and that’s what you will always be.”
They stared at each other long and hard, one resenting and one firm in his belief.
“It’s easy for you to say that hyung’’ Daesung finally managed to choke out, turning his head away from Jiyong. Those words stung him.
“Well of course it’s easy for me to say, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.”Jiyong sighed heavily before continuing, “My point is Daesung, get used to it. There’ll be plenty more of those ‘jokes’ heading your way, just like there would be plenty of insults towards me.”
He gave a bitter laugh, a rueful smile on his face as he reached to ruffle the younger’s head,
“Just, try not to be too upset when Seunghyun gets like that. Sometimes there are days where even that hyung has no filter.”
“I know…” The younger softly said, and he does. He absolutely with all his heart knows that Seunghyun was making a joke. It just seems like today of all days was when it just became too much.
“I really want you to take this to heart Dae,” the scrawny man continued, “You can be beautiful, just don’t change yourself too much before you get there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Hmm… nothing in particular.”
“I can’t be beautiful hyung!” A frustrated sigh passing his lips, “A face like mine doesn’t get beautiful!”
“Then how about handsome?” Jiyong said, waggling his eyebrows at the petulant teen.
Daesung slowly shook his head, a reluctant smile on his face as he felt his mood go up at the oldest antics
A smirk then graced Jiyong’s lips,
“Then how about pretty?”
“Hy-hyung!” A blush started to form across Daesung’s cheeks
Jiyong laughed out loud at that ,
“– You’re cute Dae…” His hand stretched out letting the younger lay his head on his shoulder – he didn’t have the body to get that cuddle factor going on but even Jiyong knew he gave the best hugs. He lazily started running his fingers through the brown messy hair, both watching the sky in silence.
“One day daesung,” Jiyong muttered softly, “One day we will be so famous people wont even care what we look like, what we wear, what we do…”
Daesung didn’t have the heart to tell him how that seems impossible but sometimes he sees it in Jiyong’s eyes. This need to survive –
He wishes he had the same strength.
“I don’t think that will happen Hyung.”
“Well I think it will, and you better not sit on your arse feeling sorry for yourself all the time. We need to be 100% into this.” Jiyongs mouth was firm as he clenched them together,
“Okay…” the younger softly whispered back.
And he will, because that’s the least he could do for a leader that didn’t want to be in a group, a braided man who wanted a solo, a rapper who gave 100% into something he wasn’t sure of – for Hyunseung that wanted to sing and for the Seunghyun that wanted to belong. He could take the jokes, because he wasn’t the only trainee that has to deal with something.
And maybe, they might really make it.
AN: Weird ending I know but I promised myself that I would finish all those fics i've started but never finished ^^ Happy New Year Everybody!
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