I walked up to the very very tall building I always see from my window. A dark night is always the best way to conceal yourself right? I mean I wasn't planning on doing this today, or any time soon if I'm being honest here. But life never works out how you want it to go. Or maybe it's just my (bad) luck.

Around 1 a.m was when I left my house, so now it's about 1:30 a.m and I'm standing in the courtyard. Looking up I see my end - or even possibly my beginning. An explosion of questions are rushing through my head at this point - Why am I doing this? Why didn't I do it sooner? Will I be missed? Is it too late? It's as if my one decision to do it today is the car crash in my mind and the questions pounding in my head are the hold up of cars in the traffic jam as a result of the crash.

From another person's eyes, one may see me as a perfectly normal female in her late teens - but nothing is how you see it right?

Each step I took up the stairs introduced unsolvable conundrums to my brain, each making the resolve in my steps weaker. But I brushed it off, my mind set with the idea that my benefit would outweigh all the consequences. Was I wrong? I mean my landlady is threatening to kick me out of my apartment leaving me nowhere to go, I have no job and I have no friends or family. No one in particular popped up into my mind when I thought about the list of people that would miss me. Loneliness was a daily routine so it actually became my companion. Quite a juxtaposition I must say.

As I thought more, nothing massive has actually happened that would make me feel like nothing has a point anymore. One big loss or bereavement might have been a better reason than mine. A lot of minor bad things happened and piled up, and I just never had the strength in me to fix any of those. All those minor bad things equate to one big thing I guess, but there is one other reason that would explain things a lot more easier. I am a weak person. But am I weak? I'd like to think of myself as strong in some aspects; I know I'm not the strongest person out there, but there's no way I'm the weakest. And by not being the weakest, in a weird way it makes me stronger. I'd say I'm like a horrible imbalance of weak and strong - the worst type of person to be.

I reached the final set of stairs and the door to the outside of the top floor came into view. But along with the door, I got a feeling of nostalgia. I ran out the door into the crisp, open air and layed down on the floor. Staring up at the sky, I started to reminisce about the last time this almost happened, I chuckled at how stupid I must have been to try it at that age. At this point I must have started to look like a crazy person as I burst into hysterical laughter. What's the difference between wanting to do it back then and wanting to do it now? If I'm chuckling at how I was before, shouldn't I be crying with laughter at how I am now? The realisation sunk in; I'm no different than how I used to be. I don't have the ability to change myself into a better person. And the fact that I'm lying  on the cold ground, on top a building while laughing proves that.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with me, but at the same time, everything is wrong.

The more I think and think, I can't remember. I can't remember the reason why I didn't actually die back then. Trying to think of reasons for why I didn't die only ended up with zero results; there is no particular reason as to why I shouldn't have died back then.

I sat up and shook my head, pretending like all my thoughts would scatter from my mind by doing that - of course I knew it wouldn't work. I stood up and brushed the dirt off of my pleated skirt. With cautious steps I made my way over to the edge, I mean I wouldn't want to break an ankle or anything. Leaning over the greyscale wall, I took in a deep breath and jumped.

My made contact with the wall and I dangled my feet down the side of the building; I had this tingling feeling in my tummy but it wasnt fear. Should it have been fear? At this point in life I don't think I feel anything I'm meant to; sometimes I feel like I've been born into a life that I don't really belong in.

Quickly taking the negative thoughts out my mind I stood up, the tip of my Doc Martens hanging off the edge, and exhaled. The cold wind was softly blowing, making my hair sweep across my face and my skirt gently rustle. A smile crept up on my lips as the thought of not having to go home and deal with my issues flashed through my mind. I don't like to think of this as 'running away from my problems' - more like a suitable solution for someone like me.

One more breath and I lifted my right foot and dangled it above the ground - it's now or never right? But before I started my descent, there was only one thought flying around my head.

It's lonely.

I've spent most of my life being lonely and here I am spending my last moments, all alone.

A couple of breaths and a jump is all it takes. Wrong. You might think you know how to be okay when you're in this position but when you're actually here, full life form standing still, knowing several seconds into your future; it's scary. Scary is a good word to describe it, not just a good word, a perfect word. But while I'm standing here facing the real terror, I don't feel fear. All I feel is emptiness.

One last look down at my destination, one last look to the black abyss above me, and one last inhale before I was ready. Is it too ironic to say goodbye though? Well if it's not ironic then it most definitely is cringey. But I guess being cringey in my last moments shouldn't be near the top of my worries right now. Three more words.

Lets do it.

"Well, what are the chances we meet like this again, Kang Yoojin?"