Tears are clouding my vision
The shimmer in my peripherals.
The shimmer in my peripherals. It’s there, I know it is. And it knows I’m here. It mocks me, torments me. I know it’s there. I know the secret.
My name is Sejda, and I know the secret.
Walking along the concrete, I set my tunnel vision to the fissures of the pavement. My eyes can’t stray, I must stay focused on my direct line of sight, I can’t stray.
Hurrying now, past the students. My classmates, my neighbors, they can’t know. They wouldn’t understand. Must stay focused, my eyes can’t stray. The splitting gravel turns to the smooth concrete of the school’s entrance. Hugging my books tight, I angle my sight in the slightest to catch the first step under my foot.
The shimmer. I see the shimmer. And for a moment, my balance becomes uncertain.
Focus! I must focus! And again I straighten my eyes, and the steps soon give way to glossy yellow tile. Walking. Walking, now. Speeding. Must stay focused. My eyes can’t stray.
Staring. My body heats under their stares. They’re all looking at me! But I must stay focused. I must focus! My eyes can never stray. Not with the shimmer following me.
The shimmer.
The glitch.
The glitch in the programming.
It’s a glitch in this program that is life and everyone is playing. Without knowing, they play. Someone is out there. Controlling us. Watching us. Laughing at us. We run around and tire out our life force, day after day. No rest. While they watch.
No one knows. Everyone plays.
Focus! I must stay focused. I have to stay focused, I have to stay alert. Because it’s following me. Because I know it’s there. I know it’s there. I’m the only one. The guardian of this great and terrible secret. I can feel the shimmer at my back. I can feel the stares from every side. I am not crazy!
I’m not crazy and they’ll all know. I just have to get them out of the simulation. Out of the program. They’ll wake up, and then they’ll see. And then we’ll laugh. And I can be happy again. But I can’t think of that right now. I have to stay focused. I have to complete the task at hand. I’m the only one who can. The only one who knows the secret.
Walking. Walking still. All I can see are the faded converse that moves me closer to my destination. Where it’ll all start. The beginning of the end to this wicked game. It’s a cruel joke. Who would do that? Subject unsuspecting innocents to mull around in a labyrinth of perpetual ?
I don’t know, but I have to stop them. I have to end this. I have to save everyone. I want to save him. I do, I really do. I want him to look at me, give me a smile and say, ‘I knew it all along. Didn’t doubt you for a second.’ Then he’ll smile a little wider, and give a thumbs up, and we’ll be happy. My favorite person will be happy. Everyone will be happy. But only if I can stay focused.
My head is down but I know where to go. This route is my religion. I live by it. It keeps me whole. Fills me to my brink. Takes me to my favorite person. The only thing between us now is this door. This heavy, wooden door. With its glass covered in comics from the Sunday paper. Its bright colors streaming straight over my head as I keep my head down, focused on my faded converses. Focused. Can never stray.
Eyes taking in the fibers of my laces as my hand travels up, knocks on the door.
“Come in,” he says.
The sound of his voice jolts me up. My head moves here and there. Here and there. Eyes, everywhere but on the converse. Eyes see shimmers. They’re everywhere. On my left side. On my right side. In my brain. They’ve invaded my mind, they seep into my thoughts, and for the first time, I wonder why I’m trying to save everyone.
They don’t deserve to be happy. They don’t deserve an escape. What have they ever done for me? I’m their ‘crazy girl’. I’m their amusement. They deserve everything they get. But not him. They don’t deserve him. And he doesn’t deserve to suffer here. So I’ll save him. I’ll save the both of us.
Turning the knob, I accept the shimmers. Ominous or not, they stayed with me. I think that means we’re friends. They’re my only friends. Besides him. My favorite person. Who smiles at me, and asks me how I am. He cares about me, and I’m going to save him. Because I care about him, too.
I save him with a BLAM! And it’s not a pretty sight. Or a pretty noise. He’s making gurgling sounds out of the hole in his throat. Choking on red. Staggering to the floor. I hurry around his desk and aim again.
He’s safe now. He’s happy.
Sinking to the ground, I cry happy tears. I have finally done something right. I cry, and I cry, and I wipe my face. Now there’s red on my face.
There’s a lot of noise outside, and I know what it is. The miserable people of the program. They want me to save them, too. It’s too late. I refuse. So I get up and lock the door. Then I sit in the chair to the left of the desk. It’s my seat. He’s told me so himself.
The shimmers are everywhere. They are all I can see. Focus! Just one last time. I only need to focus one last time. I need to push the shimmers out of my eyes. I need to push the frantic shouts from outside the door out of my head. I need to focus. I want my favorite person to be the first thing I think of when I wake up. When I wake up from this simulation. He’s gonna be the first thing I think of, so he has to be the last thing I think of.
Focus! I focus my eyes on the nameplate on his desk and remember our first encounter. In the staircase. I was crying in the corner, the shimmers wouldn’t leave me alone. I remember the tone of voice he used. He was sweet with me. He held me without touching me. He listened to me.
Tears are clouding my vision.
Focus! I must focus. I shake the water from my eyes and take another look at the plate.
Jongin Kim
School Psychiatrist
I'm coming, my love!
BLAM!
My name was Sejda.
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