unbetaed.

“How much do you love me?”

“What’s with the sudden question?”

“Come on, how much do you love me?”

“So much. I love you so damn much.”

“On a scale from zero to kimchi?”

“Kimchi, with you eating next to me.”

Being a clumsy soul as always, Chanyeol almost trips over his own foot as he hurriedly makes his way to his closet after an unexpectedly long shower. He has a family dinner at seven and it is almost six thirty, yet he is still at home while—according to the messages he received—his parents and older sister are already on their way to the restaurant.

Playing Clash of Clans in the shower was a bad idea, really.

With one last look at the full-length mirror in the corner of his bedroom, he deems himself good looking enough for tonight. He then gathers his phone and wallet before driving off to the Japanese restaurant his family likes, which is located in Myeongdong. There is a small smile dancing on his lips, coming from the feeling of freedom for being able to mobile around as he pleases without a bunch of screaming fangirls following behind (he still can see a car full of fangirls on his tail, though).

Yes, it has been three years since the disbandment of EXO, and it has been two years since he became a song composer under the agency run by his father’s colleague.

The group was doing great in gaining popularity, even much better than the previous years when there were twelve of them in the group, but with the fame came the awful limitation of free time and privacy. Individual schedules were nothing unfamiliar anymore to the members, the fans seemed like they all wanted a piece of them, and taking flights to other countries was like taking a bath to them. One by one, as the time passed by, they started showing signs of weakness as the impact of the management’s greediness. It was not long before the managers gathered them for a serious talk which resulted in it is better if you guys do not renew your contract as EXO.

Of course, there were tons of fans who expressed their anger and disappointment at the decision, but the rest of them supported EXO, saying that they were grateful the members could finally have a peaceful life and wishing them a wonderful life ahead. On one fine day in April three years ago, Chanyeol did not even hold back his tears as he hugged his ex-groupmates one by one and told them that he would definitely miss their good times together before leaving the dorm he had lived in for years.

But truth to be told, he misses their bad times as well. He misses their heated arguments, their childish bickering, their terrible sarcasms—he misses everything about the members, although negative. But what happened happened, and it was for their own good anyway since they had worked past the limits their bodies allowed. Slavery contract was their nightmare.

However, although no longer together in a group, Chanyeol still keeps in touch with everyone, even with Yixing who has settled down in China as an actor. Jongin and Sehun now work for a well-known dance academy in Seoul as dance tutors, while Junmyeon helps his father run his business. Jongdae has joined a small agency; he is still a singer but most of the time he sings off-air. Only Kyungsoo and Minseok stay under SM Entertainment, but now they just focus on their acting skills. And as for Baekhyun—

Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun.

The name itself is enough to cause the corners of his lips to twitch into a smile and spread warmth all over his chest, but the aching in his heart that follows a second later is what Chanyeol hates from saying his name in his head.

Baekhyun, in short, was the best thing that ever happened in Chanyeol’s idol life. Despite the fact that the older boy joined EXO late, they only took seconds to click when they first met each other officially in the practice room. They later became the troublemakers in EXO, often causing Junmyeon to have temporary vatigue, but no one else could light up the atmosphere like they did. Sometimes both of them got into a fight with each other, but it would never be long before they talked to each other again.

Through Baekhyun, Chanyeol learned so many things, from how to sing properly to how to handle a crying person. The petite boy also taught him about feelings—that, he will never forget, ever.

Baekhyun brought so many changes in him.

Upon nearing the place he is going to have dinner at, Chanyeol takes a deep breath, willing all the previous thoughts to go away so that they will not ruin the night. Even after leaving the life as a part of EXO and living with his family in their house, he does not really have enough quality time with them, considering their individual activities, so he will never let anything get in his way to have a good family time. He has not fully caught up with them for the years he was away from them.

Sure, three years have passed by since Chanyeol was entitled as one of the rappers in EXO, but it seems like forever is what it takes for the public to really forget about him. The moment he enters the restaurant, almost all the heads turn at him before whispers and squeals of admiration can be heard. He instantly feels self-conscious about how he looks, but then he remembers Baekhyun once said that he looked hella fine in a simple black shirt and trousers (which is what he is wearing right now) and he immediately feels all better again.

“Chanyeol!”

The excited shout of his name successfully pulls him back to reality. He mentally slaps himself for spacing out in such a fancy restaurant full of people like this before approaching the table where his family is, the smile pasted back on his face.

Chanyeol should have seen it coming, should have known that there would be an addition at their table, but he chose to act oblivious of it. Someone, who called him a few seconds ago, is sitting on the right side of his older sister at the silk clothed round table, and it cannot be helped how his brain automatically commands his facial nerves to form a displeased look. Thankfully, he is quick to realize his mistake and swiftly changes his expression to a bright one, hoping that his slip up is mistaken as a mere confusion as to why he has an unannounced guest.

There, sitting in between his family members is Kim Dasom, the woman who also did not renew her contract with her agency, the woman her mother once said to match the qualifications to be her daughter-in-law, and the woman who has been coming to his family events.

Chanyeol sits next to Dasom after greeting her politely, which earns him a smile from his father. His mother tells him that they have ordered the food and are waiting for it to be delivered to their table, and his mind reels back to that moment in Barcelona when Baekhyun got childishly upset at Kyungsoo for ordering on his behalf since he was late to come down to their hotel’s restaurant. He chuckles at the remembrance.

“Why are you chuckling?” his older sister asks with amusement in her pretty eyes.

He lets out another chuckle as he remembers that Baekhyun often said he wanted to have big eyes, preferably also as pretty as your sister’s, Chanyeol. “Nothing, noona.”

The older woman is about to ask again but gets stopped as a waiter comes to their table with a tray full of mouthwatering food. When everything they ordered is finally on the table, the previous topic is fortunately long forgotten.

Chanyeol does not want any topic about Baekhyun to be brought up during this dinner. He is okay with thinking about Baekhyun, but to have a talk regarding Baekhyun… he does not think he can. Why? Because the pain gets stronger tenfold and he does not want another breakdown, not when he had a new one already after Baekhyun called him last week and enthusiastically said that the elephants in Thailand were handsome and their ears reminded him of Chanyeol’s.

“Are you going to tell your parents that you’re serious with me?”

“Yes, but I don’t know when.”

“Are you sure you really want to tell them, though?”

“Of course.”

“What if they reject that idea?”

“What is not to love about you? Even if they hate the idea of us being together officially, I’m sure they will slowly change their opinion later. You just have to wait.”

“I’m not afraid to wait. I just don’t want to wait for something that will never happen.”

“Are you coming to see Jongdae’s musical tomorrow, hyung?”

“It’s tomorrow?” Chanyeol pauses his game and blinks innocently at Sehun. They are having their weekly meet up, and this time they agreed on visiting a small bubble tea shop near SM Entertainment building, for the sake of reminiscing the old days. Now, even without much disguise, they can talk freely for a long time without great disturbance.

“Dude,” the younger man rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe you forgot—”

The sentence is cut off by a blast of Chanyeol’s ringtone. It is a personal ringtone, one he has personally set up for a specific person.

Baekhyun’s name flashes on his screen.

Without knowing, unwelcome tears start to pool in Chanyeol’s eyes and he suddenly feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing his wounded heart. He is not surprised, though, since this is a normal occurrence whenever he receives a call from the slightly older man.

Baekhyun, after the disbandment of EXO, decided to keep singing without joining any agency. He himself chooses the events he is willing to sing at and manages his own income. His independency is just one of the endless charms of his, and Chanyeol admires him a lot for that.

A month has passed by since Baekhyun last phoned him, and it has been a year since he had the chance to meet the beautiful man in person. The last time they met, Baekhyun, in all his seriousness, asked Chanyeol to never look for him although they lived in the same country, to just let fate decide everything—if we’re destined to cross paths someday, we will, Chanyeol. The ex-vocalist of EXO also told him to start loving someone else as well, but he would rather die than do it.

He wants to say that he can no longer bear the pain caused by the man he loved—and still does, but he knows Baekhyun would be disappointed in him. And, no, even if they are not an item anymore, he still wants to make Baekhyun proud of him.

He will survive—if not for him, then for the thief of his heart.

Chanyeol still does not really know how many fans know of their real relationships, but if those fans who know think that they are still together, they are completely wrong. With the separation of the members, Baekhyun and he drifted apart, too.

“I think it’s better if we break up. I’m fighting a losing battle here. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

Chanyeol choked on his popcorn and Baekhyun would usually hit his back repeatedly to help him, but the latter did nothing this time. He took a big gulp of his water and coughed. “What—”

“I’m not the one for you. You deserve someone better. I’m so sorry.”

“Baek—”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun finally looked at the said man, his voice hoarse from his unshed tears. “I’ve thought about this many times. Your parents want a grandchild, or two, or maybe three.”

“Is this about—”

“I’m a man. I can’t give birth to your child, Chanyeol. I can’t make you and your parents happy. I know we can just adopt, but I’m certain what your parents want is a child of your own blood.”

“Baek—”

“I’m deeply sorry for changing you like this,” the tears finally showed up. “Chanyeol, please go back to the old you before I came into your life. Please go back to that Chanyeol who always listened to his parents. Marry someone’s daughter, get a child or two, and be happy in the future.”

Chanyeol’s heart constricted at the sight of the man he loved crying, but he knew he could not let himself get too emotional. He wanted to believe that this was just Baekhyun’s mood swings taking over him, but the little voice inside his head told him that things were going downhill from this point on. “I want you in my future.”

Choking back a sob, the smaller man looked away. “Please don’t make it harder for me, Chanyeol. We just can’t be together. Please understand.”

Chanyeol did not even realize that his own tears had started falling. “I’ve done everything for you and this is our end?”

Baekhyun did not answer.

For a while, the only sound in Baekhyun’s living room came from his television.

“Baek——I had sleepless nights for weeks just thinking if I really saw you more than a friend back then,” Chanyeol breathed. “God, I had inner battles for such a long time for that, I finally accepted it along with the possible consequences, I act on my feelings for you as much as I can, and now you’re telling me to end what we have?!”

Baekhyun remained silent.

“Byun Baekhyun—”

“Your parents don’t want me! They want you to marry a woman!”

“To hell with them! This is about us! This is our love!”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun’s voice cracked as he looked at the said man with pleading eyes. It hurt Chanyeol to see him so vulnerable like this, but no way would he give in just like that. “My family didn’t kick me out after finding out about us, but I know they see me as a failure. They, just like your parents, want me to start a normal family with a woman… but I just can’t. That is why I’m here, living alone in this apartment and detaching myself from them. I’m a failure, and let me be the only failure in us. You were doing fine before you met me, I’m sure you can go back to that Chanyeol again.”

“Baek, please—”

Baekhyun forced out a chuckle, but it sounded weird in between his sobs. “We still can be friends, you know.”

“How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them you are thinking about how much more you two were in the past?”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and bit his lower lip hard, unable to say anything.

“I love you. I love you dearly. Is that not enough?” Chanyeol whispered weakly, voice laced with great despair. Lifting his hands to cup both of Baekhyun’s wet cheeks, he then just stared at the other man in silence. He had known Baekhyun for years; he could tell that none of them wanted this.

“You know I love you, too. I really do, Chanyeol, but I’m so sorry I can’t fight for you anymore.”

“Baek—”

“Maybe we’ll be together again, sometime, in another life. Maybe I’ll be reborn as a girl and we’ll be together again with your parents’ blessings, or maybe you’ll be the girl,” Baekhyun tried to laugh, but it came out as an ugly sob instead. “I’m so sorry, Chanyeol. I’m so sorry I’m not the one for you. I promise I’ll understand if you hate me after this.”

“I can’t hate you,” Chanyeol car