Final

Crystal flakes continuously fall down from the sky. I look up as I feel one softly land on my cheek with a whisper, and I close my eyes, hoping that memories on this day wouldn't become as cold. I let out a shaky breath to see a fading white puff of air tickling my lips which makes me unconsciously smile to myself. 

A trail of footsteps are left behind me as I trudge further, loving the sinking feeling below my feet. trees groan from the extra weight that continuously clothe them white. If they knew how to speak, would they prefer these white blankets on or off? I've always loved Christmas ever since someone told me that the snow makes me stand out. That was the first time he held my hand as he wrapped it in warmth. Yes, Kyungsoo. His hands barely covered mine as he warmed them with his breath then placed his gifts on me, one after the other. 

He whispered a soft, "Keep yourself warm Jongin." with his heart stopping smile. As if that wasn't enough to make my heart erratic, he tells me to lean down and a pair of raspberry colored lips meet my eyes. I held myself back, kept myself in place though obviously wondering how they'd feel against mine. All I could do was trace them with my eyes and memorize every curve as I feel his nimble hands arrange a scarf around my neck. "I made that myself," he told me with a blush on his cheeks and I let my hand caress his. "I love it."I love you I gave him a brief hug and said, "Thank you." for everything. So many words unspoken, but unable to bear the heavy weight on my chest, I hope these can be said soon.

Kyungsoo if only you knew how much I wanted you, would you have fallen for me then? Clear, pristine, soft to the touch, frigid ice, I think of these as I let my hand clean a trail of snow on the brick wall I pass. 

The previous warmth from my home dissipates as I continue onto my destination. Red noses sniffle, hands constantly rub for friction, and everything seems to be in motion, all but the stagnant white blanket, threatening to cover more space. 

White. White. White. It sounds dull doesn't it? I hug myself tighter as if I could stop loneliness from seeping inside me. White was always and will always be for Kyungsoo and I'd be proud to say that I can be the darkness. Not just in terms of skin color, no. White, untainted, innocent, pure. I may not exude all those and I'm not exactly proud of that either but, black and white, they always come together. I'd like to think I complete him too.

I let the excitement of others rub off on me. Pretending that someone else's arms were instead wrapped around mine as I glance at other's contented smiles and loving gazes helps; well, at least for a short while. I'll get to him soon and at this thought, my heart pumps faster. It knows its place. 

Vehicle tracks and various sized footsteps decorate the snow, forming a labyrinth–something similar to where I see myself in. Which one should I follow? A lump gets stuck in my throat and I suddenly see a certain man in my vision. I shake my head as memories dangerously loom close to replay. 

A crystal drop falls on the snow, and I was tempted to crumple down and join it. Instead, I raise my clad hand and let it glide across my numb face. I stare down at my hands.. mittens. I bury my nose in the scarf wrapped around my neck as I take a deep breath and imagine his scent. I clutch onto it, willing myself to keep moving. I'll see him soon. 

A memory suddenly visits me as I stand by the entrance of a local store. I look for a similar pair of mittens as mine, and I feel relief when none was close to the ones I have. A nostalgic smile touches my lips as I watch a couple fit mittens and furry looking hats on each other. I imagine the taller one being me and the other Kyungsoo. Both of them send me a quick glance, and I acknowledge them with a somewhat sympathetic smile before turning away. For me, no one can look as compatible as us. I fix the scarf around my neck, wounding it tighter. I grab a few things I'd need and pick up my preordered materials just in time before my phone vibrates in my pocket.

"Hello?"

"Ready?" As I'll ever be.

"I'm almost there don't worry." I feel my voice shake and it might have come off rather raspy, but I blame it all on the cold weather. Yes, it's just the temperature.

I close my eyes, clear my head, and before I know it, a familiar face begins to greet me. I inspect the venue from afar. Lights dangle from leafy branches. A spectrum of colors blink at me as if knowing my secret all along. Before I could even turn back to let go of my anxiety, a voice suddenly wakes me from my stupor.

"Jongin!"

"S-suho," I say while giving a small wave.

"Are you nervous? I know I shouldn't be the one but ahhh the preparation and all this waiting is killing me!" Suho takes a step forward to straighten my jacket and dust off my clothes. I give him a small frown. No one can stop the snow from falling anyway.

"Is everything in place?" I scan the table closer and rearrange a few of the petals.

"Just touch it up a little," Suho says before sitting at the side and bringing out a guitar and camera. 

I'm not much of a perfectionist but for Kyungsoo, everything should be in place. I take out the things I bought earlier and arrange them into place. I place the champagne bottle on the center of the table and I fold the table napkins to make them seem like the ones in those fancy dinners. After adding some other intricate details, I take a few steps back to admire what we've been preparing for a couple of days. 

"Perfect," Suho says from the side, but I couldn't quite agree. A negative feeling was constantly rocking against my chest.

The vintage table and seats were elevated by a few steps and an arch rises a few feet taller than me. Roses, evergreen leaves, and baby's breath were tangled up to cover the metallic portion of the structure. As I stare at the location, all I could think of is that this finally brought my imagination to life. Those dancing lights elegantly fall as if multi-colored droplets of rain were suspended in the air. The dullness of the white ground enhances the elevated table. A carpet of flowers lead up to the stairs and I marvel at how in contrast the shade of wine red was against the snow carpet beneath it. 

Again, I feel my phone vibrate but this time, my heart skipped a beat or two. I see the lit screen and a name that reads, Kris on it. Taking a deep breath in, I slide my finger across the screen and put my device against my ear.

"H-hello?"

"We're coming. Ready?" How many times do I have to be asked that? How will I ever be ready for this. Nonetheless, I force a smile and a nod to Suho and a soft "yes" to Kris. 

One. One smile I would never get tired of waking to each day. One heart that would always belong and beat for him, for that one person I never knew I wanted in my life until the end of time or maybe even after that. 

How long did I have to wait? How much have I given up?

Two. Two brown orbs that forcefully pulled me in with that gaze. Now, I seem to be trapped. I wander left and right, yet I fall back to staring at those eyes. How I melt before his stare, I would never figure out. Two hands that warm me by his touch. Those that perfectly fit in mine.

Three. Three words I had to hold back. Three years of watching him with someone else, of watching him fall completely and hopelessly in love, of sharing my thoughts of I love yous with myself. How perfect it was in my head, he'll never know.

How many times did I hurt because of him? I'm right in front of him, but does he see me? I wouldn't have chosen another path if I were to go back. No, I would still go through all these for him. Just for him. 

I feel the air knocked out of my chest as he appears in front of me. Lines faintly appear on his forehead, and his brows knit in confusion.

"Kris?" My name would never be first, would it? "Suho?... J-jongin-"

"Hey Soo," I whisper as I hold myself back from launching myself in his arms.

"Come on. Keep going." Kris gives me a quick signal so Suho and I begin

"Hey Jongin, I need to talk to you."

"Yeah?"

"Okay, I don't know how else to put this but... I love Kyungsoo."

I love him too, but why did he end up with you? That's alright, I guess. As long as he's happy. He always comes first. Always.

"O-oh?"

"You're fine with that right? I mean you're his best friend and I just thought you know.. I need your permission."

"No worries." I smile but not all smiles symbolize the same emotion.

______
Times ago, you see me come and go
Whatever I do, always back to you. 
So join my sorrow, choosing the past and so
I can't say the words
Sorry, I love you, thank you
Still stuck in replay
But then– why? 
Am I the only one?
______

"Jongin!"

"Kyungsoo, are you alright? Why-?" 

"Please just.. Just stay with me first."

"Alright." I'm always here, I repeat in my head as I wrap my arms around his crying form.

"It hurts Jongin. Kris he-"

"Shhh... You don't have to tell me anything." Just stay in my arms. Just like this.

______

I'm so lonely. What is this pain?
Stuck in yesterday
Apart we grow
Suddenly you stay
Are you waiting for me?
Love, what is it? Answer me
Love, what is it? Show me
All that's left for me are thorns
Too sore to care
Was it ever even fair?
______

"Jongin, it's been three years and I-" Kris sighs and helplessly looks at me.

"What's wrong?"

"This."

"A- a ring?"

"I'm going to propose to him and please, I need your help

"S-sure." Anything for Kyungsoo. Kris gives me a brief hug and turns his back on me, excited with his own plan. "A-and Kris?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm happy for both of you." But why does my heart feel too heavy?

______

Curiosity
Now, I sing my heart to you
Better than words, it set me free
Rather than pain, it gave me glee
Maybe now you see me
Love hurts but I'd always choose it
Give me yours now
I'll always give you mine
Goodbye to the past
I love you stuck for the future
I want to hurt because of love
Don't worry
I love the pain– only if it's you
Only if it's you

I feel Kyungsoo's gaze on me but I couldn't find the will to look him straight in the eyes. I'm afraid of what it would let me do. I'm frightened of what will come, a life without him. 

I stare at the snow as I feel droplets lightly graze against my skin. Biting my lip, I hurriedly brush of the tears along with what I hope is the longing I feel for him. I can never set aside my love no matter how much I'd want to. I've laid my heart out through that song, but I'm afraid that the snow has buried it layers beneath silence, coldness, and darkness. I may be his darkness but I promise my love was- is pure enough to blend with white. Do I regret this? Never. It's left there and maybe someone else would be willing to find it for me, but nothing can ever replace or cover the part where Kyungsoo stays.

"Do Kyungsoo, will you be mine?" Those words. Ones that I've always longed but will never have the chance to say. 

Do Kyungsoo I love you. Forever. I will love, embrace, and own the pain.. only if it's you. Only if it's you.